I could be wrong, might just be an effect of having read SilverAegis' orginal version but isn't everything proceding a little to quickly? Development of feelings of possessiveness on Harry's part for example when he barely knows her. A huge shakeup in the power structure of the school. Lily on the path to training.

 

I think I understand what I'm doing now. I'm layering the original with some cosmetic and original improvements, but the base things that were detriments in the original are still here. One of those things was the pace of the relationship. It was exaggerated by the pedophilia, and the way the author chose to have Lily be a foil for his, for the most part, omnipotent Harry.

I'll work on it.

 

I am in fucking heaven.

 

Andromalius~

I'll start by saying that there are way too many threads about this story for me to figure out which one you are having discussion of the rewrite specifically in. Can you link me so that after now I only post there please?

That said, I may be repeating things others have said but like the above multiple thread issue I couldn't read every post so skip over things people have already talked about.

Having read your rewritten chapters I see a marked improvement in the mechanics of writing. So the general quality has definitely gone up. Thanks for that, it flows much better for it.

1) I wish I had seen this before because I wanted to mention that Harry's speeches through his sister are really annoying. They are the cornerstone of typical indy fics where Harry makes scathing, articulate condemnations ad nauseam. If you could tone that down, or make that flow better I think it would improve the story line much more.

2) The mental bond: The original author like many before him/her took the easy path of giving a telepathic connection and having the users immediately proficient at it. In this case presumably Harry already knows how to do it so it wouldn't make sense for him to be stumbling over it, but Lilith has just discovered it, so when Harry asks her to give him access to her body, or memories, or whatever there should be a learning curve or at least a "how do I do that?" instead of Lilith immediately saying 'okey dokey' and Harry can use her body to throw a punch, etc. So a little explanation, or depth to that would be better.

3) I think you have already picked up on this, but their relationship development was paced erratically in the original. I already see signs of easing that in your rewrite, I hope that is something that you are doing consciously. As a fan of Harry/fem!Harry, I am not concerned about the pairing, I just want to see it done in a much less fan girl kind of way.

4) The original story felt very much relationship driven, which is fine in general because it is an odd pairing, but it sacrificed description, mood, environment, pacing for the sake of it. If you can squeeze a line here and there to set those things up it will feel more like a real story with a world of its own than hurtling through one set of Lilith's feelings to another and then another etc, while plot is just a filler.

In conclusion it looks like I've become quite demanding, and I have to say that I don't really know to what level you were planning to rewrite. So it's possible much of what I have said doesn't apply to what you want to do, but these are the things that I saw were lacking in the original work.

This is a story I really want to read, and I read despite all the things that usually make me X out of a fic, so I am glad you're cleaning that up. Good luck.

 

Hey,

Fortunately, I immediately have the answer to one of them. The mental link costs energy. I think this was a transparent effort on the part of the original author to make it less godly. However, as I said in the other thread, Harry will have to struggle hard to make things go right, and so that energy becomes more and more scarce.

Also, I adjusted the system. Instead of posession, it's much less intrusive. Harry sends prompts, or perhaps brain signals, to Lily/Lilith, who has the choice of accepting them. The whole extreme trust is dampened too.

 

From SilverAegis' profile.

I'm glad I'm writing my own thing lol.

 

I'm on the 4th chapter right now and it is excruciatingly painful to continue. Tell me people, just how did this get into the library? The ideas might be 10/10 but the actual writing itself just fails. FAILS

1/5 just because i cant give lower to this trash

 

Another authors taken over this
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4040192/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Girl_Who_Lived

 

well the way I see it this is going to be an independent!super!harry with a manipulative Dumbledore cliche, and the only exception will be that lily will take Harry's place and harry will be the one who trains her pretty much like the rol taken by the unspeakables or the flamels in way too many stories.

 

I can stand cliches. I even liked the idea about reaching magical maturity around age of 35. But flood of spelling and grammar mistakes forces me to rate it 2/5.
Oh, I forgot to mention hurried plot. And the fact it's abandoned. That pretty much sucks, too.

 

Back in the day SilverAegis had some lasting effects on the fandom, though more with his 'Neville as BWL' story than this one. But even this story was mother to many clones, each worse than its predecessor That way SilverAegis not invented but helped to set the standards of awesomely bad indy!Harry fanfiction. His ideas, and this very story, inspired even authors on DLP.

Thus SilverAegis really deserved a spot on this forum - be it in 'Almost Recommended' (back then the Recycling Bin) or further down the road. Sadly, or not, he abandoned his stories, and his other fics eventually got deleted on fanfiction.net.



As I learned today (half a year after the fact) SilverAegis did a kind of huge necro and, eight years after abandoning the story, he posted a oneshot that’s intended to summarise how this fic should have been going.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11525673/1/Harry-Potter-the-Girl-Who-Lived-Ver-2

It is 7000 words long, and the first half actually differs from the original. ‘Lily’ is now called ‘Rose’, and some plot elements I checked, like the First Task, are handled differently.



It's just meh, perhaps bad, but certainly not awesomely bad, and as it is a kind of summary it eventually goes 'rocks fall, every problem dies'.

Nevertheless reading it I got nostalgic. I was thinking back to the good old days of pre book 6 and 7 Harry Potter fanfiction, when everyone and its forum Admin started some more or less bad indy!Harry, and everyone else enjoyed reading it.

For me, reading this more or less averagely bad oneshot closed a chapter of Harry Potter fanfiction that was already lying around half-open for too long. Now if only Rosswrock would do the same…

Now I think, everyone who once had more than just a look at the original, and perhaps even at some of its clones, should get the chance to have a look at this. Read it, or skim it, and then decide for yourself if we actually missed out, or if we have been spared.

 

I don't suppose the original is archived anywhere? I was looking through my favorites out of nostalgia and found out this story was deleted. there is the rewrite/summary oneshot but it's like a hundred steps down from what the original was. Any help would be appreciated

 

Oddly enough, that's exactly what I have in mind. It will take me awhile to bring myself up to speed and get caught up with HP, but I still have all my original notes and outlines. As I promised so long ago, I will not abandon the story. But it won't be completed as originally intended. But I feel responsible to so many to at least post a summary to what would have happened. No estimation of a update date yet, but it will come eventually.