It sucks getting beaten up, thought a young Harry Potter. Sucks means bad and this bit hurts, I'll bloody well give 'em as good as I get.
So he postured a bit and punched a few in the face. Mostly young Harry got his "ass kicked" and though that did occur he was quite sure the punches to the abdomen and face were much worse. A couple weeks later he threw a head butt.
Wesley went after Harry right in the foot path out of school. He was eleven to Harry's seven but Harry found it easy to hurt the bully, he punched him in the throat, yanked hard on his ear and ran like hell.
He grabbed a kid by the ear and caught Piers in the throat. Dudley only just managed to avoid the straight left and gather his friend off the ground the last time Harry had problems with Harry hunting. Harry had to blow the blood out of his nose and gather himself after a low blow. He proceeded to kick the prone boy in the stomach, not too hard, but a bit too hard.
Harry could run, Harry could fight, and Harry had a library card. Two years of serenity until being unceremoniously thrust into Slytherin.
Not two weeks into term, on the way back from dinner, Crabbe and Goyle grabbed Harry as he came into the common room and Malfoy rounded in front to deliver the beating. Yet he just started talking.
Crabbe and Goyle weren't even holding him that well, Harry mused as he changed levels and thrust the thick part of his skull into Goyle's face. These guys can't even fight, Harry realised fully. Crabbe tried to grab him but Harry just used his free arm to beat the boy senseless.
Malfoy didn't make it two steps as Harry jumped on him, crawled up the blond boy 's chest and sat on his stomach. Other housemates began to raise a din in the periphery and someone called Harry a queer even as the blows began to rain down on Malfoy.
Harry stopped quickly, stood quickly. Someone had alerted Professor Snape.
His face and hands were sticky with blood, and he said as a sallow-faced adult ducked into the commons, "Stop bleeding on the floor you poncy gits. Ye reckon sneaking into the lotion master's laboratory is an easy thing do ye? I'm sure he'll come for your squibs' blood soon enough lads." They whimpered mightily and Harry kicked Malfoy while he was down.
Harry hooted with excitement as the disarming charm took him, flung him, but it had nothing to take from him. He came up with a smile and a new lease.
"What in the actual fuck Potter? What have you to say for yourself?" Shape said wide eyed.
"Fuck you I'm Millwall, Professor." Snape backed up a tic, with wider eyes than before.

 

This reads like someone used AI to write this fanfic after letting it scan @Oz FFN's favorites list.

Best line, imo.

A close second.

Plot and Pacing: 1/5
You made an effort I guess. I don't know wtf is going on here, or what/who Millwall is. I feel like you could have done more in the transition between fighting Dudley and his friends to fighting Crabbe and Goyle.
Characters: 1/5 Apparently Harry was Millwall.
Prompt: 2/5 You used it. But apparently, Snape is a Lotion Master and speaks like Mundungus.
Other: 1/5 I'm at a loss on what to say.

 

Plot & Pacing: 0/5

There is no plot or any real effort to pace this snippet. It's more meme than story really, and while it has a certain (not really charm, but something) to it, I can't really call this a story in good conscience. We're dumped straight into a situation that's just confusing overall as well, and seems to jump around sporadically, shifting from action to telling us about past events. The whole thing reads like a drunk man's rambling.

Also who the fuck is Milwall?

Characters: 2/5

This is basically HP in Name only. Harry's entirely past history is wiped away from the coherent bits I understood, and he acts more a caricature than an actual person. He's funny, don't get me wrong, but in the way that you laugh at idiots on the internet and not laugh with as a friend. Supporting characters are barely given any character, and what's there butchers them with no explanation as to why (Snape speaks like Dung for example).

Prompt Use: 0/5

The prompt is first line prompt. Not only did this story fail to use the required line at the start of the story, it failed to use the line at all. No points for effort.

Other: 2/5

The formatting is fucked up. Snape is misspelled as Shape and Weasley as Wesley. The action isn't visceral and the prose unmemorable. What makes this funny is more the absurdity of it all than actually good writing.

But hey, don't let your memes be dreams. +2

Total: 4/20

 

To quote this story as part of it's own review...
"What in the actual fuck? What have you to say for yourself?"

I'll review this on the off-chance that it isn't a troll entry, but I think it's a troll entry. This is ridiculous. At least if Syed had written it it'd be strangely deep and insightful while still being this irksome to read.

Also, is this some kind of weird-ass crossover with something?

Why is "ass kicked" in parentheses? So we know that they weren't literally kicking his ass? We can infer that. And I want to see someone literally throw a head butt - seems like something magic could pull off. A gigantic ball that's head on one side and arse on the other.

Wesley? ...is it Crusher?

The "lotion master" eh? hahahahaha... does it put the lotion on its skin? Does it get the hoses again my precious? This, at least, is a pun that should be used in a much better story.

Great job not utilizing the prompt by the way.



...okay, and on a slightly more serious note, I'm not a huge fan of troll entries like this. The way this competition is set up requires everyone who votes to read and review all the stories. Reading and reviewing this - especially for someone trying hard to follow the guidelines to the letter - could be frustrating enough that they might not bother, which means they don't get to vote.

Just keep that in mind for any future troll entries. Have fun but don't overdo it!

I mean, FFS at least fix the formatting so that it doesn't make everyones eyes shrivel up in agony trying to read it. Even if it's going to be silly and stupid and not use the prompt at all at least make it possible to read it easily... but hey, 5/5 on length. Thanks for keeping it short!