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This is basically the same idea as #6, except you tell the whole story and the story remains the same anyway across cultures.

I do think it's elegant that you don't actually need to change the story much to get the point across, but I really would've appreciated a burst of extra creativity. Hagrid said that if the muggles were to know of wizards then they would've just kept begging for all their problems to be solved - why not do something with that? Tie that into witch-burnings like you have here and you would've received full marks from me, no questions asked.

As is, though, I have to detract points for retelling Hansel and Gretel without much changes, except elaborating on the witch's background somewhat. You throw "the Yaga" in there (Baba Yaga, I presume?) which is a bit weird in itself. I don't recall her being anywhere near the original story, geographically or narratively.

Finally, I think you could've gone about "fading back in" from the fairytale to Narcissa telling the story better.

 

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I wasn't a fan that the whole fairy tale was italicised. Though it spared you speech marks all over the place, so I get it. It just made it a bit tedious to read.

Otherwise, I like that it was a story within a story again. It reminds me of number 6 in that way, but also number 10. However, the retelling of Hansel and Gretel, while very well serving Narcissa's purpose was a bit flat. It worked well for the story. It made sense why she wanted to do that one at Christmas, around the time of his birthday, and her goal was well evidenced. I think the actual telling of the tale was just a bit simplistic. Why was Yaga in there? Just to make him think of the poor wizarding child? Then why not play up her agony etc. You had 300 words spare.

It was well-written technically. Always nice to see the Malfoys as a family.

I just think that you could've pushed more into it. I think you could've made it less flat. I like the combination of elements. But adding wizarding elements to a tale was done better elsewhere, and the family framing dynamic was done better elsewhere, too.

Still, it's a very good effort, and although it won't be in my winning two I think it's something to be proud of. It could be really great with more of a push.

 

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I'm quite a fan of your Narcissa and I thought it was very creative that the first witch to be burned was the one in Hansel and Gretel.

I can't say I loved it - I think part of that would be because it seemed a bit brief to me for what it was trying to do, though while I look through it, I'm not quite sure there's anything else to say either. This is for sure less clumsy that some of the other canon character focused fairy tale tellings. At the very least I didn't hate it, the same which couldn't be said for the vast majority of the competition pieces.

 

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This was a fun idea. A Muggle tale from a witch's POV. I think the fairy tale itself should've had more detail and structure. The story of Hansel and Gretel has plenty, after all.

I also don't entirely follow Narcissa's logic, even though it's canonical ("Mother didn't like the idea of me going to school so far away"). I mean, even if the Malfoys live in Scotland (an idea that makes me laugh), Draco still won't be able to visit them very often at all if he attends Hogwarts. Would Narcissa really see Draco any more frequently if he went to Hogwarts than if he went to Durmstrang? Wizarding transport makes it pretty easy to go home every holiday.

But I suppose that, even though that's her argument to Draco, that doesn't necessarily mean that's what matters to her, specifically. If she has other issues with Durmstrang (which is likely), I think it would be not only clearer but a more compelling story if you spelled that out for the reader.

Overall, though, the story was fun to read, and the characterizations were strong and fun to read. I think I want more from this story because it's close to being a strong story. There just needs to be a little more to it.

 

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It is interesting that you try to elaborate on canon to answer the question "Why did Draco end up at Hogwarts instead of Durmstrang?" and the answer "he's a mama's boy," is fitting of his character earlier in the books.

The Hansel and Gretel story that Narcissa uses doesn't quite fit her manipulations though. Your deviation from the story is that the witch is lonely and contacts her daughter, who is far away, but perhaps a different fairytale would have fitted the frame better.

I stumbled on the beginning at first too. The line that "this was all hers" makes it sound like Narcissa was at one time broke, which she wasn't if she was a Black (?), and also like she has the book out of a sense of frugality (a story for each day, lasting as long as possible). Maybe that was just me misreading though.

 

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It's a character study more than anything, and that's nice.

Repurposing a well-known story into a wizard's perspective was a neat idea. I liked the switch, it's fun to put a twist on this sort of thing.

Like many of the others, your story was a bit limited by its length. It feels like you haven't really explored enough of their family dynamic, and I think it's the one thing that was really cut short in the end.

 

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I liked this line,

didn't like this one. My thoughts were that overall you could've made the story she told flow better. As a riff on Hansel & Gretal you could've made this one better thought out, there's been tons of twists on this old tale and yours was uninspired.

You disappoint me.

 

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At first blush, I did not like this one. But having sat here for a little longer and considered, I think you tell an okay tale. Not the greatest, but also not as bad as I was treating it initially. Narcissa manipulating Draco for her own purposes is alright. Not really sure why it matters that she wanted him to go to Hogwarts and Lucius was vying for Durmstrang, other than Dumbledore, and for some odd reason, Narcissa is telling Draco muggle fairy tales turned to her own interpretation.

On the fence about this one, ultimately. Good enough but not great.

 

Spoiler

Solid entry. Well written. Interesting premise, well-sketched characters. The only problem was in the execution (oof).

First, the opening line. I wrote on my first reading; ‘I love fairy tales set in the backdrop of a divorce. Sets the tone up perfectly I find.’ This is due to the fact that ‘fighting over a child’ brings up, at least to my mind, custody fights (RIP me I know).

This really doesn’t sound like a couple fighting over which school to send their child to, imo. And this misconception dogged me all the way till the end, where I was confused how a retelling of Hansel and Gretel was going to make the son want to stick with his mother when his parents divorced, nor why his opinion would be all that relevant for the proceedings.

(Also I don’t know what you imply with that last line in the opening (were the Malfoys pauper’s before Lucius married Narcissa - was she the brains behind getting Lucius free?) and whatever it is, its entirely irrelevant to the narrative.)

Then the tale itself. It doesn’t hide that it's a twisted version of Hansel and Gretel and that’s fine. Not overtly imaginative, but I guess twisting a common fairy tale to have a different meaning that its supposed to its creative enough. My main concern with it though, is that it doesn't do what its supposed to do. I don’t know how that tale - burning witch and all - is supposed to make Draco want to go to Hogwarts instead of Durmstrang. The main takeaway for me would be ‘don’t trust muggle children’ not ‘stick with your mother in the unlikely situation that your father dies you are in Durmstrang and some rando muggle children get her wand from her and roast her in the oven’.

Also you are too telly at the beginning. Narcissa outright narrates to us in the few first lines how she is going to use her secret weapon to manipulate Draco into her choice. Given that Lucius is just going to flat out tell us at the end (you viper, etc) for those of us who are a bit slower, I fail to see the point in that in the first place. Also why Yaga? How does she tie in to all of this? Did you only do it for some name recognition? you goosey goose, you.

So yeah, not bad, but nothing to throw up some fireworks for either. 3/5 maybe. I like your portrayal of Narcissa though, so maybe a 3.5. I would have liked to suggest an alternate fairy tale that could be twisted into having the message you want it to have more cleanly, but my brain seems to be working very poorly recently. Sad.