Spoiler

This is super short. The ending has some zing, alright, but it would have had more zing with more buildup, I feel. I think you could've done something like letting the reader think Neville's nervousness is just him having nerves before making it increasingly clear that oh shit, no, his parents are going to disown him if he doesn't win.

I dig the central premise, though. Too often the Longbottoms are saints who can do no wrong, so it's neat to see them being stage parents and genuinely quite horrible. Putting him up against Harry, too, is the best choice you could've made; not only because he's the other possible recipient of the Prophecy, but also because the reader wonders what his circumstances are also in this AU you've set up. Not showing the duel was, IMO, the right choice also, because that way it kind of shows that it doesn't matter if Neville puts his all in or stumbles at the final moment when he's inches from victory, his parents think losing makes him worthless. Brutal stuff.

My main quibble is that you play with words a little too much. Doing it with "not can't, but won't come home" works even if it's a little clunky, but you'd already done it with the "make him look the hero -> trying to make him the hero" so it sticks out more. I'm also not quite sure what "red-rimmed eyes boring through his skull without meeting his own" is supposed to mean.

So yeah. You portray child abuse with a fairly deft hand, which is... good? I think? It's believably horrible and that's the worst kind of horrible, I think. I just wish you'd made it longer, though. 3/5.

 

Spoiler

Perhaps oddly, I actually feel like this is the best of the three entries on a technical level. The writing isn't bad at all, for what there is of it. Also on the positive side, there's a very interesting concept behind it - potentially, at least; reading BTT's review, I feel like we're coming away with some different interpretations of the scenario here, and I may be making assumptions based on the prompts. The way I read it, Neville's parents are dead, and haunting...Neville himself, maybe? The emphasis on them taking him by surprise is the main thing that pointed me that way, although it's by no means certain. Whether they're dead or not arguably doesn't really matter though, I suppose; either way, Neville has clearly had a more abusive childhood than he does in canon. Also, where BTT has gone for disowning Neville as the meaning of 'won't come home again', I assumed that they meant he'd die - whether in the Tournament itself or, potentially, at their hands for losing.

There are still more questions; what exactly is going on in this version of the Potter verse? How come Harry or Neville is at a different school - or is it another GoF scenario, and one of them is the Boy Who Lived? Like I say, is the Tournament to the death, or not? (assuming my interpretation isn't wildly off, but I don't think I'm crazy for that reading of the story).

There's the seeds of a really interesting story in here, but ultimately it's just too thin to really engage. I will say that, ghosts or not, the atmosphere in the tent scene is effectively unsettling, even so briefly.

 

Spoiler

I enjoyed reading this a lot! I like the premise and I loved how terrifying you’ve made Frank and Alice. They’re such one-dimensional tragic victims in canon, so turning the tables like this is great. I like that it’s short, I think that’s part of what makes it pop to the reader. You’re good at hinting at background things which makes the story feel bigger, like there’s a solid history that’s taken us here that the reader just gets a glimpse of. “Kingsley said they used to be different, before” is my favourite line in this. The last line of the story works really well too. It ties the story together and it packs a punch. I was relieved when I got to it because I think drawing this type of ending out in any way would have made it feel banal and melodramatic, but you handled it like a pro.

If it was my story I’d change some of the word choices, for instance I didn’t get that the robes Neville (and Harry) are wearing are specific ones provided by the tournament until my second read-through, and the tournament setting as a whole gave me pause as well, maybe a mention from one of his parents about how the family name hangs on this tournament, or something similar, would clarify the setting to the reader because it needs to be established by the time we get to Harry. (This might easily be a ‘me’ problem, though, which leads me to the following: “the ghost of a smile” would sound better to me than “a ghost of a smile”, but I’m not a native speaker and I might have it all wrong. It’s just before the grand finale, I like your use of the word ghost in there, so that’s why it sticks out enough for me to comment. This same handicap of mine also leads me to not understand the title at all, like I’m assuming it’s a reference or a pun on something, but I don’t get it.)

The other thing I’d do, even at the risk of making the story less tight, would be to add a paragraph in the beginning. I’d focus it on Neville, make the reader more sympathetic to his plight but without yet explaining anything. So maybe have him try and fail to heal an injury he’s just sustained from a last-minute practice duel or have his hands shake as he drinks a potion meant to keep him awake after hours of practising and not being allowed to sleep, something like that. Give more time for the reader to grow worried for him and confused about what he’s gotten himself into, then reveal who has gotten him into it.

 

Spoiler

There's a lot of drama and tension that lacks proper buildup. A lot of implication and suggestion, but it's asking the reader to do a lot of the heavy lifting in terms of imagination and detail. For example, the remark from Kingsley that Neville's parents "used to be different, before" lacks narrative weight when there isn't much information to establish the contrast, mum didn't smile and didn't look him in the eyes, dad puts a hand on his neck without Neville noticing. Those imply a fair bit but don't show me much of the parents' characters aside from the explicit 'trying to make him a hero' sort of pressure.

The ending is also very abrupt. I don't have time or reason to get invested in Neville's character and then Harry presumably ends him. "Neville didn't come home" feels more like a punchline than a denouement. Most of the verb economy is spent showcasing Neville's nervousness and fear rather than any of the action. As much as I'd like to root for an underdog here, the second Harry shows up I no longer care because I want to see the hero that I know win. The contrast here is clearer, Harry's exhausted yet calmer, and presents more competently than Neville.

Overall I come away from this pretty unsatisfied. There's a lot of ambiguity with little concrete story. I can appreciate the clever little bits of wordplay but mostly I'm just amused that Neville fuckin' died.

 

Spoiler

I enjoyed the hunger games vibe, and I think the title in particular was a good choice. The length is fine... I think a bit more flesh would give the AU elements more room to breathe, but there's also something to be said for brevity.

I think you missed an opportunity to really wrench peoples hearts with Neville's conversation with his parents. Really dig in that Neville's parents know that they are feeling the warmth of his skin for the last time. That Neville knows it too, but no one is saying goodbye, because that's admitting preemptive failure. I see that some of the other reviewers interpreted the appearance of Neville's parents as them being ghosts. I think they are real (from the line about Neville's parents sparing no expense for his look). This makes me wonder about the background AU. From Harry's muggle shoes, I assume his parents are dead (lmao right). So Neville's parents must have avoided/escaped Bellatrix's clutches. I also don't think it's a coincidence that both of the prophecy boys are in the Triwizard Tournament. Maybe, to align with the bloodthirsty Hunger Games aspect, Voldemort is in charge of the Ministry in this AU and this is one of his power moves.

This is one of those snips where the tragedy comes in waves. You're asking the reader to fill in the blanks, and the story rewards when they do so. All in all, a fantastic short piece of fic. I'm a huge fan.

 

Spoiler

An interesting ambience, an interesting premise. Hunger games Neville and Harry. Harry looking still muggle raised, Neville's parents still looking the worse for being tortured even if Voldemort... won? Shit happened. Who knows.

Technically, nothing objectionable.

Flash fiction, flash story. Not sure I can call it a story though. I don't think it meets the essential criteria, in my mind, of having a narrative. We get set up, we get inciting incident, we get obstacle, we get resolution. But we're missing two key bits - any sort of adaptation by Neville, and also what it means. How it changes either him, or Harry. Even a line that when Neville is on the ground and Harry is about to execute him, seeing some change on Harry's face, or some change on Neville's parents' faces in the audience? Something like that. Needs to have changed the world for having taken place, I think, which I'm not sure it does for the people here in a way that I can see.

 

Spoiler

Its like shadow puppetry. You can't see whats going on, but whats there is certainly interesting. Its just too short to get more than Neville strugglign against his parent's goals, and then failing. And then they killed him? Banished him from the house? its not clear, but its ok that its not clear there.
I want to know more, why are the parents assholes? It seems harry likes him, how did that happen?

 

Spoiler

This is good. I really liked the opening line and the build-up of Neville's emotions. Hinting at the right places, and shadowing the world, that was both pretty good, but what this misses the most is actual words. You could take any motive you already had (crowd cheering, Harry's more calm posture, Neville's feelings, or his parents' expectation) and expand on it - creating a tenser scenario, building up to that lovely finishing line with much more force, and, overall, giving the story some sense of the story.

As it is, unfortunately, it feels like a smaller part of a bigger story. It's sort of like a flashback, and it leaves me slightly disappointed because of it - because the actual story doesn't exist. Which is a real shame. You've accomplished so much with only a few words. Imagine how much you could've with double the amount.

 

Spoiler: Three

Good, but lacks ambition. Next time make it less than 200 words so people reviewing have to write more for the review than you did for your story.

 

Spoiler: edit: forgot spoilers

Interesting take and I like how it seems everyone interpreted the story slightly differently. The premise is definitely an interesting one however I felt that it lacked something that I can't quite put my finger on it. Like the other reviewers said, it just isn't enough on its own. It feels like a flashback or something of the like.
However, I feel that despite it using the least amount of words, it was still the best entry out of the three. I feel like you can build off of this and make a very engaging story. I hope you do, you do have a very enjoyable writing style in my opinion

 

Spoiler

I'm not sure whether to discourage or encourage this kind of thing in the comp — setting up an interesting story and just shrugging and giving up when it's time to write the climax. I've seen it in several past comps, and I really don't like it. But, we're all busy people, and I want comps to continue to have lots of submissions. Maybe in order for the comp to endure, we just all have to get better at writing 300-word stories.

Here's what I'll say: A story still needs to have a climax, even if it's just a sentence. I would argue that "Neville never made it home" is falling action, not a climax.

I've tried to give a couple examples of lines that could've properly brought the tension in this story to a head:

Or...

The writing in this entry was strong, but some of the word choices felt a little odd. I find that when people try to phrase something in a creative way, my brain will stumble on it, which lessens the power of the line. I can't decide if my advice below is fair or not, but it's just personally how I felt.

I would've phrased it something like "Neville rocketed to attention, lighting sparking up his spine. She'd caught him off guard again."

Red-rimmed threw me off, I thought she'd been crying.

I don't feel like this is a thought that would make me shudder, per se. Give me an image or line that makes me shudder, if you're going to make Neville shudder.

But there was notice, since the order of this paragraph leads us to believe that he spoke to him before putting his hand on his neck.

I realize these phrasing notes are nit-picky, and I could see a lot of people disagreeing with me. I don't feel as strongly about my feedback on the phrasing as I do about the climax issue, but again, some word choices threw me off enough that they bugged me. I don't think I would be this easily bothered by this kind of stuff if the story were complete, but it's not, so I feel like every word has to hit just right.

All that being said, the characterization here was top notch, and the sparse, tense dialogue was chilling. I would say 5/5 protagonist, 5/5 antagonist, and 5/5 dialogue. I felt instantly invested in the characters, and robbed when the story was cut short.

However, I have to give you a 1/5 on plot and 1/5 on prompt use, since the story is so thin. I also can't rate the climax or the theme, because I would argue that neither exists in this story. I would give the prose 3/5, which I bet could've been improved if the author had spent a little more time on it.

But yeah, I just wrote 700 words reviewing a 300-word story, so clearly I was invested. Just write a complete story next time.

 

Spoiler

This is quite a short snippet but I really like the idea. I’d like it more if it was a bit more of a typical one shot length becauseI think I'd really enjoy a full out story of this. I liked the punchline of it, Neville becoming a ghost. Maybe it is his fault, maybe it's not. Could be Harry accidentally doing it, or Neville purposefully letting him. I like the open-endedness. Poignant.

Overall, there's not much to point out since it's good. Punctuation after the dialogue from his parents seems off.

Also, for this part

maybe use two different synonyms? The latter part more so, but the whole sentence doesn't flow as nice as it could like the rest of the piece.

Lovely idea OP.

 

Ched, I hope you plan to write more of this. It really hooked me, and I would love to read the full story. It's awesome how much you care about the comp, and it's inspiring me to put in the time and effort to submit an entry next time. I hate that you lost your LitRPG