If I'd written something with that many synonyms for 'meaty arse' packed into it, I wouldn't admit it either.

 

Don't think it takes all that breh. I in a moment of nerves did something silly.

Literally twelve hours later, i came clean. Be easy.

And yep, i did make the three sex scenes very graphic, but looking back they were jarring to the rhythm of the telling, so any others will likely be much more tasteful and short.

And yep, proudly an assman and unashamed of my loyalty to the glutes of bubble butt women the world over.

 

This does not body well for your writing. Or my will to plow through it.

 

Is there something you rather be plowing instead?

 

That was bad, and you're bad.

 

YOU STAND BEFORE SCOOTYDOWOP OF THE HOUSE AOOO, THE FIRST OF HER NAME, THE UNEDITED, QUEEN OF POOR CHARACTERIZATION, QUEEN OF THE ANAL AND THE FISTING MEN, KHALEESI OF THE GREAT FANFICTION SEA, BREAKER OF THREADS AND MOTHER OF SELFADVERTISING.

Better?

 

Quite, Now go write that Harry x Fleur fic we all have been waiting for, thr Promised One, the one that will cleanse the sea of filthy sub par fics that darkens it. Or you can even write an ASOIAF Crossover one, you do have a talent for titles

 

Wait so there's an anal scene between a straight couple, one of whom is a legitimized Jon (Lord Hoarfrost ROFL) despite the fact that Jon as a legitimized noble has a duty to his house to reproduce and provide an heir?

If your couple is gay then the anal is whatever because there isn't any other option for intercourse, but it sounds like Jon is ignoring his obligations, which is hardly a thing the character would really do, not sure I can knowingly read something that off-base.

tbh if Lungs is going to write an ASoIaF fic I don't want it to be a crossover with anything, it should be a trippy AF thing that shows how the absence of House Dayne is what is causing all of the problems with the current course of things in the books, and how Arthur Dayne winning against Ned would actually shape things in a better way. If their fight happened before the battle of the Trident (I don't remember anymore which order some things before the books happened in) then Arthur might have kept Rhaegar alive, but Jaime still kills The Mad King, meaning we get a very different setup 15-18 years later...

 

Indeed. Buttsex is the true villain here!

 

I'm a guy, so that would be king.

Might i ask what part of the story struck you as being poorly characterized?

Just so i might keep it in mind for the future updates?

 

The adjectives have to go. Use less adverbs as well. You have a strange, awkward way of describing things. The dialogue is awkward too. And that name, Hoarfrost, is fucking terrible.

I completely skipped over the Davos parts. I skipped a lot, actually. I can't really tell you how to improve, save read more. And not fanfiction. Good, critically acclaimed stuff. Maybe some writing books/blogs too.

 

Take this over to WbA please. Suffice it to say, CxJ basically hit the nail on the head.

I can't remember if "A Time for Dragons" by Dolorousedditor was posted at all. The premise is that Rhaella Targaryen's other children didn't die in infancy or childhood. It also assumes that Lyanna hid Jon as a child of Robert Baratheon, and all that entails.

Characterization is, as usual with Dolorousedditor's stuff, fairly well done, and what we've seen of the plot fits well into GRRM's low fantasy style. Quality wise, it's on par his other pieces, and unlike Our Choices, it jumps into the thick of things fairly quickly. I'll be following.

 

Finally, greatly appreciated.

Looked some things up, and the excessive adverbs do need to go.
But i will say in my defense, i recall Martin using plenty in the books, so i was simply following his lead.

Adjectives i love, so i can't promise anything there.

Dialogue is something i've always gotten rave feedback over, specifically because it never came across as stiff or dissimilar to how people really talk.

But i'll definitely keep on the lookout for awkwardness in the future.

Hoarfrost is terrible because it's a First Men derived name. And even people in story find it laughable, that's kinda the point.

But thank you for the constructive feedback.

 

Criticism isn't useful if you're just going to say "yeah, thanks, I like my way better, but thanks anyway."

Want an example? This post. Improper capitalisation, akward phrasing, starting a paragraph with but... There's also the fact that in the hilariously weird anal sex scene (that makes no sense whatsoever after a marriage that was arranged ridiculously fast and for no reason at all) you used the adjective meaty to refer to Amerei's legs or ass once per paragraph, at least, some times using it on three phrases in sequence.

 

Hey, just post your story chapter by chapter in the following area: [Link] I'm sure you'll get a lot of feedback on your story to make it better.

As for the name, GRRM said he styled First Men names that described something. For example; Stark, Strong, Flint, Reed and so on. Each word can be found in a dictionary. So, even though the name is a bit cringe worthy, I believe it fits GRRMs naming conventions. It's just I feel that you didn't really tells us why such a name was chosen.

 

I agree with that hoarfrost point. When one of the characters (Jaime, I think) commented on it and made fun of it, it made it less jarring. By standards of Hp fanfic your story isn't that great in terms of writing quality but it's a hell of a lot better than most asoiaf works. The plot drags on the davos chapters really. If it's a stark fix it fic maybe keep it more centered.

I'm not as down on your writing as others even if by no means what you are posting is a finished product. Again come to the wba and hopefully you can get some criticism to help you.

 

What? How is this even possible, given that Robert never slept with her?

And didn't the Rebellion last a year or so?

 

The author changed that bit of the rebellion. Somehow Lyanna managed to escape from whoever had her held captive and travelled all the way to Storm's End. Then she convinced Robert in attacking the crown(for harming her family), married him and in the little time between all this a son was conceived.
Robert came back to lift the siege and found Lyanna dying.
Thus he hates house Targaryen a great deal.
What the author also did was have Rhaegar convince the rebels (right at the eve of the battle which in OTL was the Trident) to switch sides to his own and depose Aerys. All it took was a good speech.For some reason Lyanna was in Storm's End to endure the siege. The people inside starved but somehow she managed to carry Jon to term.
Lyanna claimed to have been held by the Knight of the Laughing Tree and no one asked how she escaped.

 

That's completely and utterly retarded.

Thank you for posting that and thus allowing me to skip reading something that awful.

I have to ask though: what happened to Robert once the other rebels switched sides?

 

Nothing. Robert fought with Rhaegar.