Story: Martyr of the People
Rating: R/NC-17
Summary: In his second year, Harry failed to save Ginny Weasley in the Chamber of Secrets. There, Voldemort returned to power. Our story starts when Harry arrives at dumbledore's office after being unmercifully tortured by the dark lord but somehow...miraculously...he managed to hold him off. A Song of War chronicles the second wizarding war and the process by which Harry is thrust into adulthood all the while fighting a war against the most powerful dark lord to ever live on the British Isles since Salazar Slytherin himself.
Link:http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7076712/1/A_Song_of_War_Part_1_Martyr_of_the_People

 

First post on this site is reccing your own story... nice...

Chapter one wasn't very good. Talk of magical cores, light arts, and a physical manifestation of twelve year old Harry's magic, theres not much potential for anything worth reading there. And a massive Author's note - what the hell was the point of the Dark Mark lecture?

 

It's not a good omen that you can't even capitalise the names of the characters... in the summary.

The premise you selected is semi-interesting. Anarchy covered most the points I wanted to mention, but I will comment on your poor grammar. Many people struggle with using commas, I concede, but you must realise that such grammar disturbs the flow of the story. Readers will feel a little discomfited.

Brush up on your basics, please.

 

Well wow. This is terrible. The premise is doable, I suppose - restarting from that point is a logical thought. However, everything else sucks, and as Anarchy points out it contains just about every single bad cliche ever written.

For your sake, I hope this is parody.

 

Prefix: [Complete, Work in Progress, Oneshot, or Abandoned]
Subject: [Title] by [Author] - [Rating]


Title: [Story title]
Author: [Author]
Rating: [Fanfiction rating, ie. T] (Optional: [Movie rating, ie: PG-13])
Genre: [Genre]
DLP Category: [Library category]
Status: [Complete, Work in Progress, Oneshot, or Abandoned]
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Posting format, edit it.

Secondly, you'd be better off posting this in work by author for critique. There isn't really enough of the story to rate, but from what I read - grammar and spelling are fine, but the story itself is just..boring. The repeated 'I have failed' and descriptions of sad Dumbledore and timid Harry just grated on me. All the characters annoyed me, for some reason.

 

This can not possibly end well.

I'd say I'm sorry for the hell that is probably going to rain down in this thread, but I'm not. Suffice to say, shortly, fix the posting format, and this isn't ready for the library or submission. I'd suggest Work by Author to get helped with it before its ready.

 

Twelve year old HP + Returned Voldemort = HP sized bloodstain on the wall. End of story. Like others have said, WbA.

 

Ok, I took the jump and read the whole thing (only took about 5 minutes, there isn't much). If anyone reads these comments before reading the story, don't bother clicking the link.

Chapter 2 wasn't any better. Magical maturity and magical cores, way too much introspection by Dumbledore, and lay off the italics and flashbacks. Your trying to make the story epic, waves of magic battling each other, random spells and describing it's classification, effects, and origins midcast... It's just falling way flat.

And pulling a wand out of the Sorting Hat? You tried to pack way too much into a few thousand words. Your definition of Dark/Light magic is dumb. Madam Pomfrey is a Dark Witch because all medical magic is Dark magic. I think you were trying to make a dramatic point, but I'm not sure what it is, and I don't think you do either.

This bugged me: "Harry Potter.

The strongest boy—man—that Albus had ever known."

He's twelve. I don't care if he fought in the trenches of WW1, he's not some African tribal guy who got married at age twelve to a 9 year old girl. I know your trying to be dramatic and having Harry experience more and carry a burden heavier than a man 4 times his age, but those lines are terrible.

Chapter 3 was no better. Of course Flamel has to be in this story, with the way it was going I'm not surprised.

The French is unnecessary and bogs the story down. It isn't making the story any more sophisticated.

I severely dislike how every character is always making comments in their head about every little thing that happens, and that just means that nothing actually happens.

Supposedly this is Harry centric, but all we've had is some shaky Dumbledore POV and Snape POV. But you've written them pretty much the same.

This may be Dark Lord Potter, but your idea of Dark, Light, Grey magic is terrible. I dislike how you make magic some sort of quantifiable amount. It's not even cliche, its just a bad contrivance. It takes more than magical power to win a fight.

Few suggestions:
-Rethink your magic system. It sucks.
-is twelve year old super!Harry really necessary? Probably not
-Chill on the introspective thoughts and italics.
-Less author notes. If you want to explain something, write it into the fucking story itself.
-we're three chapters in, we don't give a fuck about Dumbledore's past right now. Try to make us interested in the story first.
-No parenthesis in the actual story. They can be used in the story if done properly, but you didn't do that.
-Reread/edit/beta/etc. Some parts are very sloppy.
-Delete story and restart

And most importantly, read Sitra Ahra if you are really going to do a mentor!Flamel.

-edit: nearly forgot to link this: http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showpost.php?p=464028&postcount=26

 

I firmly believe that one day, a writer with the combinant talents of Nonjon, Shezza, Swimdraconian, Nuhuh, and Joe will show up out of nowhere to rec his own ridiculous awesome story in his first post and subsequently blow me away.

 

Well, that excludes me from the list.

 

I'm pretty sure you didn't self-rec yours, did you? Clock With No Hands is beautiful, if you don't rec it someone else will.

 

I didn't bother reading it because the premise is bogus. A 16 year old incarnation of Riddle is not Voldemort, therefore no war and no story.

 

That's your biggest gripe?

I find that strange, because a 16 year old Riddle still has the potential and talent of Voldemort... which is pretty boss.

 

If you want a Harry failing to save Ginny Weasley fic to compare this idea too - Forging the Sword - it's a slow build up, but instead of super!Harry, it's him gradually exploring his potential...

Sitra Ahra has been mentioned for the mentor!Flamel idea.

I used to read storys about the light arts, magical cores before coming here, but I read too many discussions about why they are stupid on the forums for me to be able to read them anymore.

The first thing you should work on is grammar, and then maybe do a re-edit of the story?

 

I agree with others, this should be in WbA. It needs feedback and rewriting. There is an interesting story trying to get out, but at the moment it's overwritten and underthought.

 

The title had me caught not that great anarchy caught thought though.

 

... what? Is this in english?

 

Shaky premise and even shakier grammar/spelling. Maybe work with the idea and get rid of some of the cliches.

 

Hope springs eternal

OP: Really? You thought this was good?

le sigh.