Almost Recommended fanfiction - From barely readable to almost good

Midknight · Jun 10, 2006

Holy fuck now I know what Satan looks like, jesshh

carnivalofcarnage · Jun 15, 2006

Title: Harry Potter, the Betrayed
Author: Lord Thanatos
Rating: M
Summary: What happens when Harry Potter, the Wizarding Worlds savior gets framed for for mutiple murders that he did not commit? New Friends, New Powers, Fighting, and lots of Cursing, HarryOC, DarkButLight!Harry, ManipulateMeAndDieASadsticalDeath!Harry
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2925165/1/

This story doesn't just have cliches, it feels like it fell out of the cliche tree and hit every branch on the way down. Betrayed!Harry, Azkaban!Harry, Heir of slytherin (from Lily), Heir of Gryffindor (from James), Ragnok, Griphook, stealing from Harry's vaults, etc.
There are only a few redeeming qualities of this piece of work.
1) The way Harry is put in Azkaban is fairly original. There wasn't the whole "unfair trial" thing because there was a fair trial but a polyjuiced Dolohov shows up and confesses.
2) Harry is not the lord of Azkaban, there already was one in OOtP.
3)
"But Harry I have a Portkey that will take us directly to the Headquarters." Said Dumbledore urgently.

"I know but I like Floo better, besides it will still take me to NUMBER 12 GRIMMAULD PLACE THAT IS THE HEADQUARTERS TO THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX!" Shouted Harry so every criminal, murder, and Death Eater on the floor could hear the location and smirked at Dumbledores expression.

"Harry!" Hissed Dumbledore.

"Oh did I forget something? Oh yes, ITS PROTECTED BY THE FIDILUS CHARM!" Shouted Harry once more in triumph.

arkeus · Jun 15, 2006

ouch?
I guess harry is angry at dumbledore, but he shouldn't have been able to say where it is, or is he the secret keeper? Anyway, thanks for the warning. MAybe i should point a few unrecommended fics

zEROfrustration · Jun 15, 2006

Hmmm... just wondering but can you actually floo to a place like 12 Grimmauld Place that's under Fidelius? I mean, do you have to say the address to floo there (in which case it should be impossible for anyone other than the secret-keeper to floo there), or can you just say a code word - like "Padfoot's Prison" and if you know the secret then you can floo there?

Necrule Paen · Jun 15, 2006

Didn't people have to go through the door a lot in OotP? I recall Molly getting pissed when people used the bell and woke up Mrs. Black's portrait. But, I might be confusing Canon with Fanon.

nonjon · Jun 15, 2006

Err... anyone know what the hell a "Sadstical Death" is? (The summary claims ManipulateMeAndDieASadsticalDeath!Harry)

Is that supposed to be sadistic? Or a new word sadistical? Kinda like hilariousnessicity?

As long as there's Cursing with a capital C, and he's framed for for mutiple murders, I think I'll be passing on that one. I counted at least 9 errors in the summary, not counting the impossibility of the CAPS LOCK Harry's screams quoted after.

Though if a mod or IP82 feels like putting a second "m" in 'unrecommended' in the title of this thread, it'd probably stop peeving me.

ip82 · Jun 15, 2006

Yeah, let's all bash the poor tacos-stand foreign guy...

Seriously, the admins will have to do it, I can't edit a post that old (and certainly not the title).

carnivalofcarnage · Jun 15, 2006

I know it's horrible, that's why I'm not recommending it, this thread deals with the barely readable as well as the almost good. About the quote, it was the only thing that amused me when reading this story; in a fit of rage compromising the order's headquarters to a room full of prisoners...

nonjon · Jun 15, 2006

Not sure why I'm noticing spelling and grammar more today. Or at least, that is to say, why I'm mentioning it more today.

And I thought you pasted that quote because it's completely impossible unless the Fidelius Charm err... well, you know without a secret keeper, I don't even know what it would do. Make it unplottable maybe? Or is unplottable a completely fanon thing? Can't remember.

Ahh... my bad. This fic uses an ancient variant of it called the Fidilus Charm. I sit corrected.

And I never knew there was a time limit on editing posts before. Is it a fixed amount, anyone know? Like 1 month? 2 weeks? Just curious.

Athenia · Jun 16, 2006

Eh, the whole Fidelius Charm is so screwy in canon anyway, it almost doesn't matter. When Dumbledore first talks about it, it makes it sound like it hides people so you could walk around anywhere but not be seen ('Look through a window and not see you') Then you can take it to mean anything within the hidden place is hidden (like you would see the house, but not the people in it) Then you get to OotP and the whole house pops out of nowhere, which begs the question what does a person see if they portkeyed into a Fidelius place? Then there is the whole, how did Hagrid and Sirius find Godric's Hollow if Peter was still alive, etc... And why, if you are hiding a person, not a place, would you not make the person who is being hidden the secret keeper so long as when that person dies the secret his no longer hidden.

I can't edit posts I made 24 hours ago, so I always assumed it was either around one day or after a certain number of posts where made after yours.

carnivalofcarnage · Jul 2, 2006

It's been a while since this thread has been updated but I found a perfect candidate:

Title: Taking Control
Author: fake a smile
Rating: T
Summary: It's the summer before Harry's 6th year, and Harry is wracked with grief. But what happens when Harry makes a vow to himself to take control of his life? Harry's life takes a sharp turn when he gets an unexpected visitor one night, who helps him on his wa
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2954601/1/

In this story Sirius is visiting Harry in his dreams and training him (Although the author is slowly fazing him out). This story has its problems, like the authors obsessiong with Ginny. As a credit to the guy, its been 130,000 words and there hasn't been any real fluff yet but you can just feel it coming. This coupled with the abundance of cliche's cause this fic to be a candidate for this section. Its only saving grace is the fast update speed and the amount of words per update.

Mordecai · Jul 2, 2006

your link hasn't posted up properly. I have read this fic before, and I think that on a scale of one to ten for this thread, one being barely readable, and then being almost good, this fic would have to rate about 4 IMO.

carnivalofcarnage · Jul 2, 2006

Thanks, I always seem to forget how to make the links work properly, but I've fixed it now

nonjon · Jul 3, 2006

"Taking Control" is I think a nice example of the sort of fic for this thread. I left him a long review after reading the first three chapters a while back stating this:

Alright, Mr. fake a smile, you sound like you could use a long lengthy critical review. Unfortunately, I'm not sure I can help you too greatly here. But I will impart some of my own wisdom seeing as I've wasted more years gobbling up fanfic than I suspect you could have read in the less than a year that you've been reading fanfic. So far, it seems as though this fic is just a sort of personal compilation of the best ideas you've read in other fics. By that, I mean I've yet to see much anything original. At all.

I'll admit I'm biased and having read so dern many Harry/Ginny fics that I can barely stomach them a lot of times. And this "special" friendship and closeness rings like foreplay to a loving, caring, supportive relationship. That said, you're doing it in a far far better way than most Harry/Ginny fics where it's all true love soulmates and generally eye-gouging fluff. But the whole trading letters stuff, wanting to get to know her better, Potter men always fall for redheads, unsubtle urging from Sirius, etc... it just doesn't feel like anything that's not been done before. Many times before in fact. Animagus transformation, dual forms, wandless magic, the shopping, family vault, slightly manipulative Dumbledore, Griphook's shock at being recognized, the nifty new trunk, getting contacts/fixing his eyes, metamorph powers, working out to improve his physical condition, the angsting, the "Uncle" Moony, and so on and so forth. All of these things have been done countless times before and are simply cliches I roll my eyes at when I see them done again.

Even among your favorites I saw Rosswrock's fic, which includes a great number of these exact same ideas and themes. And a number of the ideas Ross got from other sources too.

Don't get me wrong. You write pretty well. For a first fic, you have included a healthy amount of description and write realistic if unspectacular dialogue. For that fact alone your miles ahead of many other authors on here. You are obviously treating this craft with respect and putting in a fair amount of effort given how few errors or typoes there are. That's why reading the content of the story, it's so disappointing that you're practically following a guidebook on how to write a stereotypical post-OotP story. Don't misunderstand this as an accusation of plagiarism. It seems like the extent of your creativity so far though is to describe something like the same sort of training or animagus potion, only you're giving him a form of an owl instead of a... lion. Or griffin. Or whatever cliched form seems most prevalent these days.

You're not alone in this. I've seen tons and tons of authors start their first fics in manners very similar to the exact same fics they like to read. The only thing is they often realize how unoriginal their fic is before they even reach christmas. Or sometimes the end of summer. You lose the desire and will to write when you cringe at how typical and cliched your start is. I doubt it feels that way now, but it very likely will before you finish writing it. And then it may become just another abandoned attempt. When I see the effort you're putting into this, I just think it would be so much better to see you writing something different. Something of your own. I know we're only 3 chapters into this, but we are nearing fifty thousand words... of nothing but a regurgitation of cliches.

But who knows. For a first fic, this may be exactly the sort of story you want to tell. It's just so far, the number of cliches in this not only doesn't interest me, but actually turns me off from reading it and recommending it. Even if you take it in a brilliant original direction from here on out, it's still fifty thousand words of well-written uninteresting been-done-before bits.

Sorry, because I know this doesn't really help you. And more than likely discourages you. For what little it is worth, I am an overly critical picky reader, who enjoys bashing Ginny and can't stand whiny, angsty, emotional, lovey, "you're my real family." one-big-happy-weasel-family types of stories anymore. When I first read fanfic, those were enjoyable and a number of the first few fics I found. But eventually, I suspect even you will sicken of Harry/Ginny and prefer the lesser used ships, and the less canon-friendly stories. It's a common progression. And if you ever reach that point, I highly recommend checking out the DLP forums. That's darklordpotter(.)net and there are a great number of Independent or "taking control" type stories. But yours, I'm afraid would get torn to shreds by the trolls there.

I say these things in the hopes of helping you. And if you feel too disheartened, by all means, ignore me completely. I certainly don't want to discourage you from writing more. Just sharing my opinion. And I'm only one person.
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And just for those curious, I don't think the author would mind me posting his response:

I'd like to start off by just saying thank you for the review. You found a story you weren't particularly into, but you still took the time to write me a constructive criticism of it, and that's exactly what I've been looking for. I know that my work isn't really original. I know that most of what I'm doing has been done before. Has it been done well? Not nearly as often as it's been done. Can it be done better? I'm hoping so.

This is my first piece of fictional writing, and I don't consider myself all that creative. I write well, and I needed an outlet to write something. This is it. I don't expect it to be an incredibly original or brilliant piece of work. But I'd like to think that it'll be a fresh take on the storyline.

At this stage of the game, I don't see much that can be done, while remaining canon friendly, that hasn't already been done. So I may not be entirely original, but I think that the story will eventually make its way into a new direction, or at least one I haven't yet seen done. But as you said, there's a lot to get through that is largely unoriginal content, and some aren't going to be willing to read through it. And I can't grudge you on that, especially if you're not into HG. It's not hard to tell that it will eventually turn into an HG pairing, though it will be a long time coming.

All that said, I hear what you're saying, and I definitely see your point. I'll try to minimize the rehashing of the tried and true, and focus more on some more original or fresh ideas, but as I said, it's never going to be completely original. Thanks again for the review.
Click to expand...

So give it a try, if you like this sort of fic. It is miles ahead of many with good spelling and decent descriptions.

Oh and thanks for whoever edited the title of this thread.

ip82 · Jul 3, 2006

Honestly, I dropped this fic as soon as Harry sent Ginny a letter...

arkeus · Jul 3, 2006

Shrugs. Not a *bad* fic, but he doesn't even make the effort of changing the characters, or developping them :/ Also, the whole "Potter curse was hard to swallow. I like my Harry having choices, as he is what-16?

madeyemoody · Jul 9, 2006

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3035159/1/ pretty funny but not worth a thread

Mordecai · Jul 9, 2006

that was boring, and uninteresting and not particularly funny.

carnivalofcarnage · Jul 10, 2006

Wow... that was one of the lamest attempts at humor I've seen in a long time.

On another topic, is this thread going to be deleted now that the thrash bin has been created? Personally I think that the entries from the "awesomely bad" fic thread show go there (if at all) but this thread should exist. I always thought this place was good if you wanted a quick read and didn't want to go through all the fics you've read before. A place where cliched but not overly cliched fics go that could provide a nice waste of a few hours. This concludes my not so subtle plea at keeping this thread open.

Brooklynight · Jul 10, 2006

My first post in this thread.

Category: Harry Potter
Title: Unsung Hero
Chapter: 9
Chapter Title: Chapter 9
Genre: General/Romance
Rating: Fiction Rated: M
Summary: There are two things to know about Harry Potter. One: He kicks
ass. Two: No one cares. Why? Because Daniel Potter is the Boy Who
Lived. Book 6 compliant. Takes place in year 7.

URL: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2900438/9/

Basically another Harry isn't the Boy Who Lived fic. This story has a few good elements to it, Smart!Harry is resonably well written and Hermione seems to be characterized alright. The brother is a total ass and well done. There are a few good fight seens and the author invented a few good spells.

The reason I'm not recomending it is because the blatent shipping is really out of place. Lilly and James's negligence of Harry is really over the top and unrealistic as is the professors' inattention to Harry.

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