Summary-Sometimes choices are easy, sometimes, not so much...

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4436590/1/Behold_The_Man

I know the summary doesn't say much about the fic, put I think that it works, kinda. Anyways, this is in first person, so if you aren't crazy about that style of writing, then I guess this could be a warning.


Please, let me know what you guys think and what I could improve on!

PS-Anyone want to guess where the title comes from?

 

I think you should leave.

http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=101

And that you should strongly consider whether you should write another chapter for your story.

 

If you are going to post a story for review, please follow the proper format listed in the sticky.

Go read the sticky, then edit. Or look at any of the other stories listed for review.

 

1.5/5

Its cluttered. Cliche'd and it isn't captivating.

 

Thank you Andromalius.

 

I tried to read enough of your work to honestly review it. That I hadn’t the stomach or patience to get to the end became apparent right at the start. That I couldn’t even read past the fourth paragraph might be my fault, but I’m going to blame you. I pray this is satire. My ability to read does not at all correspond with your ability to write, so let’s leave it at that. Can’t rate.

 

Well I got farther than Cy Block, and read the whole chapter, albeit skimming some parts. I didn't read it all because of your writing ability, but simply because it was a story where joins Voldemort. There is an appalling lack of them. I figured someone who was at DLP would write a somewhat decent story. I was wrong. Your story came off as unrealistic in many aspects. The first one was Harry losing his virginity at 12. The second one one was Harry almost getting assassinated in Voldemort's fortress. It's fucking Voldemort's stromghold, an assassin shouldn't be anywhere near Harry, the Dark Apprentice. The third one was Harry killing a Death Eater, just because he felt like it. The fourth one was Voldemort ordering Harry to kill more of his Death Eaters. He is raising an army, if he just kills people when he feels like it he won't get many people clamoring to join. You have Voldemort as some kind of idiot who kills his own people when he feels like it, which is usually instant FAIL.

You had way too much elemmental magic, at first I was alright with it, but then everyone started using it, and it lost it's importancce and impact. By the way, the Fiendfyre curse is supposed to be extremely dangerous. Harry used it about 3 to 6 times. He would have been exhausted after the first two, since it's it;s very taxing to control it especially when he is making dragon or wolf shapes.

In the end you had Harry caught after Voldemort abandons him. I'm assuming you are going to have Harry join the Order. Great! You just followed the plot of a shit load of other stories.

Oh and the format you posted the story in is wrong. Read the fucking stickies!

Edit:

Fuck, that is my 300th post. I was saving it for something special, instead I waste in on this shit.

 

LOCKED. OP is pimping his own fic that from what I skimmed has no chance of making it to the library. Post for help in Work By Author if you're desperate.

And definitely read up on proper posting format before wasting everybody's time.