Well, I approve! Molly going over to the Percy side is a very nice change to the average betrayed cliche, and the fact that Harry is still thinking in post-GoF mode (still attracted to Cho, doesn't care about Ginny) is included very well.

Not perfect, but a very fun read, and I can't wait to see what happens next.

-J

 

I dunno about this fic. IMO, everything seems too rushed. Bam- Harry goes to Knockturn, Bam- Meets this vampire who instantly decides to mentor him, Bam- called to court.

The idea is good and original, but I think you could work more on flushing out your characters and giving it some more depth.

Overall, a good fic, but could use a little bit of tweaking to elevate it to great status.

3.5/5

 

not bad story just started to read it. has some word errors i noticed of the bat for example

"where he stuffed his few clothes into a plastic bag before prying up the loose floorboard under his bed and throwing in his photo album, his Firebolt and the Marauders Map. He then draped the invisibility cloak over his arm and dragged the trunk downstairs. Harry gazed upon the door of his cupboard, beyond which lay his old bedroom and-more importantly-his school books and his wand.

At this point Harry grew angry, ‘Filthy Muggles!’ he thought to himself ‘how dare they try to deny me my heritage!’ and with that thought the door imploded silently revealing the dank inside. Harry was speechless…had he done that he thought to himself? But there was no time to waste and Harry grabbed his trunk and emptied the plastic bag into it, before draping his invisibility cloak over himself and walking calmly out of the front door.

end quote

u need to decide if hes got the trunk in his room or not.

 

Oh goody, I can review again....like I said on FF, Ron, Hermione & Ginny ARE annoying even in canon. Keep 'em, Kill'em, I don't care.
Tho only thing I did not like in OOTP, was that Sirius died. I think he could be invaluable to Harry regarding training, so if you the author are going to do this story a wee bit different, I'd keep Sirius. I might kill off Umbridge at the end instead or better Bellatrix. Recommend.

 

Hey, I haven't reviewed in a while. I still like were the fic is going. As for Harry's friendship with Nevile and Luna I think that it can be done well but I'd urge you not to rush into it and simply make them replacements for Ron and Hermione. Your characterization of Umbridge is the best of any character you've wirtten so far IMO. Snape is also well done, oh and did Harry recieve any Potions lesson's from Mulo during break because if no then Harry's performance in Potion's shouldn't really change.

Keep going.

 

He didn't get any specific Potions tutoring, he read the books etc but no hands on experience.

Harry is partnered up with Tracey Davis in potions and because she is a Slytherin Snape has a dilemma, whether to grade unfairly to reflect on Harry, or grade well to reflect on one of his Slytherins. In the end, he's going to be grading the mark as fairly as Snape can grade but he's going to end up belittling Harry alot more and taking more points off.

 

I still say some of your chapters can be combined to make one long chapter..

 

Yeah they probably could but nyeh, I don't really want to. It's my personal writers gimmick im afraid.

 

I like how your Harry is powerfully but not all powerful. Stories that have Harry as the best and most powerful student as a 5th year student isnt really realistic most of the time if its canon since he isnt the best student or the most brillant. Yes he is talented at DADA and probably knows more about DADA than most other students in his year since he prepared for the 3rd task. But 7th years would no much more in theory.

Some stories have Harry like how i see Tom Riddle at Hogwarts. I see Tom as brillant student fully capable of becoming a Dark Lord. He is supposed too be brillant, poweful and know more spells than most because thats what he learned when he came too Hogwarts.

But Harry didnt study nonstop. He wasnt the most powerfully, though he is obviously 1 of the stronger students as shown in his 3rd year. But power without Knowledge is worse than useless.

Sorry for getting off topic But my point is your Harry is good for the fact he isnt unbeatable. He is good but not the best.

 

see thats what i don't understand

if he was so called marked by voldemort as his equal


he should be way more powerful than anyone at school currently (i can understand some maturation but still)

 

He has all the magical resources... but Harry does not know how to use it. It's like a bulldozer... He is sitting on it, but doesn't know how to drive it.
Look at Hermine. Not very powerful but much knowledge. In the end she is more useful than Harry...

EDIT: Drancos Avatar says it in a much shorter way. I like the Avatar.


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The story was a bit rushed, true. I would have liked to see a slow development between mulo and harry. This was... fast.

Ginny: If you want to kill her... go on!
Ron + Hermione: Well, I like them. But for a good plot I can sacrifice them.
Sirius: Can you kill him? Please?
Neville + Luna: I liked them in your ff. I hope you don't change them, like giving them superpowers. A few good friends is all what harry needs.

The good side on your story are the scenes. Like the one with luna and the glass pyramid.
It seems to get better.

4/5

 

Nooo don't kill Sirius he's my favorite character, what do you have against him?

 

I like the story but it's a bit too much ranting for my tastes. Why doesnt he learn from the experiences and use the other people to his advantage? Harry doesnt really behave much more mature than in canon, though the storyline says otherwise.

 

i am confoozled.

Lots of ranting? where? I mean there's some but that's because he can' go from canon Harry to some mature bloke in a split second.

and use who to his advantage?

Please elaborate on your post, I can't improve it if I don't know what you're talking about.

 

Sorry if that confused you. I mean, he antagonizes a lot of people with these outbursts and doesnt check what he says. For example the scene with Angelina.
He proclaims in the great hall that Umbridge is a "Ministry Sycophant". How much emotional control has he gained to make scenes like these? I'd like to see him use peoples reasoning against themselves, like he did with Herman and the houseelves, that was brilliant.

 

Thanks, the scene with Angelina, is admittedly, him losing control a bit. He does manage to keep his outburst fairly quiet, but I thought he should be able to lose control a bit sometimes. It's not going to be a regular thing though, and eventually he's going to rise completely above big outbursts.

 

Terrible start aside, this story turned out a pretty decent read. Unfortunately, justy when I'd start to enjoy myself, some half-arsedly done stupidity would screw up my experience, mostly lousy characterization and unexistent motivation of basically all characters.

Still, a decent light read IMO.
2.5/5

 

Ahh! lol, IP82 could you please post what characters were badly done and the reasons, so that I can try and improve them? That would help a lot and I'd really appreciate it.

 

First of all, Harry's motivation to improve is glossed over. Why would he want to better himself? He doesn't know about the Prophecy. Sure, I can see how he might decide to study harder in school, but at that point, he still wasn't dissilusioned by the Ministry (remember, he wanted to be an auror).

Also, his decision to visit Knockturn Alley is OOC, considering his character from GOF. And how come there weren't invisible guardians looking over him, like in OOTP?

Why would Ollivander offer to help him? Does he recommend dark books to anyone who stumble in his shop?

Why would the Vampire guy, Molo, chose to help Harry? We don't see his reasoning for making that decision.

So you decided to bash Ron, Hermione and Ginny? Ok. But then, from scene to scene, you had them approach Harry over and over again, even though Molly had clearly forbidden them to interact with that boy... aside the fact that they don't even seem to like him. It seemed to me that you only kept them around so Harry could bash them. Oh, and Harry's animosity towards them is overblown from the start.

Why wouldn't Neville be intimidated by Harry? Why would Harry think he he had started coming out of his shell, when that happened only when he entered DA in OOTP?

Why would Harry get so close with Luna that fast? Luna and Ginny where best friends in canon because they were both outcasts. Would Luna dump her for a boy she had never spoken a word with in her life?