Seriously good. I want to give a full critique, but...well, it was just great. I much prefer this to Skitterleap. That said, Alexxey is right: there are several sections with spelling errors, or simply where it seems bits are missing entirely. Case in point,

Spoiler

"Welcome to the party at last, Mr. Potter," said Voldemort, hissing gently. There was no sign of madness in his eyes as Harry stared into them, only the cold intellect of a sociopath. "You've arrived just in time to watch your friend die, Harry. But don't worry, you won't be far behind him."
"That's funny, I was just thinking the same thing about you," replied Harry softly, his eyes glittering malevolently. Voldemort stared at him for a moment and then gave a derisive laugh.
"Idle? If that's what you want to think Tom," replied Harry and stared intently at him. "Go ahead, kill him then."

Maybe I'm just missing the nuance, but going from talking about killing to idlness with no obvious link was a little jarring.

Other than that, I felt that what we saw of the HP/HG was a little advanced. They're 13, but acting a lot older. Not a major complaint, but still.

4/5, but nothing a little clean up wouldn't fix.

 

This fic brought me out of almost a year of lurking but I had to comment.

Fuck this was insanely good. Dumbledore has always been one of my favourite characters and your characterisation is top notch. His manner, word usage and overall demeanor is almost canon, just better.

The fic itself was great, for me though it just it ended too quick. I know this is sort of an extended prologue and I really hope to see more.

EPICCCCCCCCC

9000/5

 

By laughing Voldemort is dismissing his threat as Idle. I should probably clean that up though.

A couple of people have commented on the HP/HG acting a little old and yeah they do slightly. But you've got to realise they're both wildly intelligent and people who are very intelligent quite often try to act more mature than they are.

 

Yeah, I never had anything against your HP/HG stuff in there. Especially because I don't mind the pairing at all, either.

 

Sorry I left without finishing the discussion, I'm currently incommunicado vacationing.

OK.

QUOTE by enembee:

Spoiler

Besides, we're re-living Harry's life, not Neville's. It's Neville who protects the Philosopher's Stone, Neville who kills the Basilisk, Neville who beats Harry to the end of the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Neville is just as much a hero as Harry

Spoiler

That's exactly my point. Obviously, Neville has some accomplishments: protected the Philosopher's Stone, slayed the Basilisk. So, supposedly, he's Harry's equal in power/magical prowess (whatever). You said that yourself (cf. the quote above). That's what makes it a problem; whenever Harry and Neville are together, it's Harry that saves the day: he confronts Voldemort, not Neville. If Neville is Harry's equal, they should have faced Voldemort together at the same time, but you have instead Neville fight Voldemort alone and get him beaten, only then Harry steps up and saves Neville. Is that the relationship type "equal-equal", or "superior-equal"? Say, put Ron Weasley in Neville's place. Ron is a lazy character, easy to have fun with. He doesn't kill off Basilisks, but he is a good friend (which in literature means, the one to sacrifice himself so that the protagonist can face the antagonist alone). So, my point is: either a) place Ron (or Hermione) in place of Neville, b) make Neville truly (not supposedly) Harry's equal, or c) make Neville Harry's inferior, like Ron or Hermione, by taking away his accomplishments.

Also: are we really speaking in spoilers? I don't detect spoiler material. Though I respect your wish.

 

I prefer spoilers to be used when discussing the plot and such on the first page of the thread. Sorry if it seems ott.

I never said Neville was as equally skilled as Harry, just equally heroic, two different traits. Neville is the equivilant of canon!Harry where as Harry is the equal of a young Dumbledore or Riddle.

 

This story was very good and as such I don't have much to say about it.

I really enjoyed the feel to it that the reader had to work a little to understand what was happening and to connect the dots between the events. The depth of intelligence it suggests is what I often really appreciate in a story.

Well done. 5/5

 

No need to clean it up actually, I rather liked it as it was. I was going more for the legimacy angle and that riddle had been thinking too loud.

I'd also like to point out that while yes the HP/HG interaction was a little mature, there's not so much as a implication they did anything beyond kissing, and kissing while a bit youngish at 12 is not uncommon.

It should really quit surprising me when a solid five story actually deserves it's allocades, but it still does. I found this to be a very thought provoking story, it's mix of symbolism and insight lending to it a very realistic and gritty picture of a world where horror begat horror in a ruined empire. The helopath surprised me a bit when it made it's dramatic comeback, and while the exit pushes suspension a bit, it's easy to get caught up in the grand sweeping gesture it's intended as.

As an aside I'm also quite glad that you immediately took away the critter's vast sweeping power as soon as they returned to the 'real' world. My only complaint is that if it had so much power in the 'in between' why was it forced to stand guard on the outskirts rather than pursuing it's prey to the heart? The only thing I can think of is that it's powers balanced the elf's and Harry's releasing of it was such a surprise attack that the elf didn't have time to counter it.

Final note. Albus' absence is easy enough to explain. After Harry jumped, the hole sealed, Albus couldn't follow until the fight was over.

All in all, top marks. 4.7/5

 

epic. 5/5 Can't wait to see what you've planned for the sequel

 

This has to be one of the best Alternates I have ever read. Definite pluses on how enembee created such a new world of magic that we can immerse in. I can't wait for the sequel. Harry as prodigy learning Old Magic under Dumbledore is a win.

Rate 5/5

 

Slightly 'over the top' in some places I felt, both in the battling and the HP/HG stuff.

Still, it is an easy 5/5 for a very good original story.

 

<3
5/5
Agreeing with most of the above.

 

Conceived a day later with very slightly different genetic make-up. It's the divergence point from canon.

Thanks guys, for all the comments <3

 

Ah. So he wasn't born on the 31st of July, he was born on 1st August, which gives us a viable point of divergence since he wouldn't be the one talked about in the prophecy at all.