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Chattel by Crys - T

Discussion in 'Trash Bin' started by Alternator, Oct 25, 2009.

  1. Alternator

    Alternator Squib

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    Title: Chattel
    Author: Crys
    Rating: T (PG-13)
    Genre: General
    DLP Category: General
    Pairing: Harry/Daphne Greengrass/Tracey Davis
    Status: Complete
    Summary: In order to rescue Tracey and Daphne from Malfoy, Harry must take them as chattel.
    Link: http://crys.fanficauthors.net/Chattel/index.php

    ~~~~~

    This is a "Harry ends up with slaves" story, but better than most I've seen because it's actually thought through. The downside of being a chattel-wife is shoved in Harry's face repeatedly, but rather than simply being a 'the world hates Harry' situation, it's antagonists actively taking advantage of the situation. While Harry doesn't like the situation, he doesn't stay a whiney bitch about it the entire story, either, and learns to live with the situation. What makes me recommend the story, though, is the presentation of pureblood culture given; I see far too few stories that bother trying to do it right.

    On the downsides, there's Ron bashing, though it was used to showcase the Pureblood view of the situation rather than out of evil joy. The ending is unsatisfying, so much so that it almost ruins an otherwise excellent story. Still, I give it a solid 4/5.
     
  2. Perspicacity

    Perspicacity Destroyer of Worlds ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    I was disappointed, frankly.

    The beginning chapter, written by Blot, was the best part of the story by far. The next several chapters were episodes along the lines of, "new legal wrinkle presents itself, Neville explains why Harry can't do the right thing, Hermione gets on a soapbox over pureblood this and that, Harry laments that his hands are tied, his wives tease him, and then they find a resolution." The bashing was pretty stupid, particularly the Ron bashing...
    hell, the epilogue made him into a wife beater for no other reason than to piss on him one last time on the way out the door.
    The chapters get progressively shorter and the tone of the piece takes on the sparse feel that it wasn't completed so much as put out of its misery.

    It's clear that the author fell out of love with the story by the end and so did this reader. I'm voting it 2/5 and acknowledge that I'm scoring it so low because I don't think the second author's contribution added any fresh idea that made it memorable.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2009
  3. Ceebee

    Ceebee High Inquisitor

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    Have to agree with Pers, it was an alright read, but it wasn't one of those stories where you feel the compulsion to go and read and then follow it because you can't wait for an update.

    Ron bashing was absolutely retarded. And the last chapter + epilogue where frankly horrible, and no way to end a story. Again, Pers is probably right again, Crys probably got bored with the whole idea and just shat out a crapper of an ending.

    2.5
     
  4. QuixoticStoic

    QuixoticStoic First Year

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    This story has a completely un-real feel to it. When a girl attractive girl offers sex, any heterosexual male in their right mind accepts. The Harry of this story does not. This annoyed me:

    "Harry grinned at her. "Even if you say you're more than willing." He paused. "So long as you can't say, 'No,' it's too much like rape for my peace of mind," he said quietly."
     
  5. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

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    There's your problem, in the very first sentence. "better than most" == still shit. You can't make a retarded concept less retarded by thinking it through. In the end, it's still a retarded concept. I've read that story when I was desperately looking for Harry/Daphne (meaning, most times), and it fails. Coming from me, that means something.


    Let's see -- Daphne and Tracey picked Harry, because they know he'll treat them well and not use them for sex, and of course he does/doesn't (former/latter). He's a special snowflake like that. He virtually has to be forced to have sex with Daphne (or was it Tracey? I can't remember). Ron dropped on the head, lost 50 IQ-points and all he ever says is some stupid innuendo about Harry fucking them. He virtually talks about nothing else.

    This "pureblood culture" is something I was facepalming over -- it's highly illogical, and it uses the (very, very annoying) cliché of the "old Pureblood-law" that forces Harry (or in this case, Daphne, Tracey and Harry) to do something. There are thousand fics like that, and it is as stupid as it is an easy plot-device of a lazy writer.

    I can't help but wonder what people writing that think. It's like "It's an old pureblood-law/custom/thing" excuses stupidity. First off, why would there be such a law? From all we know in Canon, wizards and witches are quite equal. So even if you argue that it's an "old" law, there's no reason why it's still in place -- especially not if they revised said law! I'd sooner believe that there was a law excluding Muggles from the "human" definition and thus they could be held as slaves than this crap.

    Then, how this arranged marriage came to pass.

    Oh, how convenient. It's Lucius Malfoy who arranges marriages. And of two families, too. Who ever knew? And of course, he'd use it to turn fellow purebloods into slaves, because ... why? Because he's Lucius Malfoy? I think someone confused Draco with his father. That reasoning would work with him. Not with Lucius.

    And of course, this time there'd be a problem. Like, out of the blue. Oh, but then, there wouldn't be a story otherwise, right? I see.

    Naturally he would. It's just what Lucius does. And:

    No. No, it doesn't. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't add up, and it screams "Hey, I'm a plot-device", which the author hammered through the story, without care for how it affected the fictional world, and with afterwards trying to fix the gaping plot-holes this tore open by pulling things out of his ass that become more implausible by the minute; all in trying to make something work that just doesn't work.

    I guess, he could get some props for having Hermione point all that out (most fics like this simply ignore the aspect, hoping no one will notice), but all it does is highlight exactly why it doesn't work, as the answers to Hermione's questions are a mix of highly impropable situations with astronomic odds and outright nonsense.


    I wouldn't even be so annoyed if it wasn't Crys. He's decent author. There are countless shitfics like that on FF.net, and I ignore all of them -- but why would he ever think this was a good idea? And in the end, "thinking it through" is nothing but a waste of time, because for all that thinking, the only thing that makes this story better than the FF.net crap is the good writing.

    And if I believe Pers (haven't read the later chapters) the author apparently realised that too. Well, this redeems Crys -- but not the story.


    TL;DR: The "old pureblood-law" fails, as it does every time in every story, and thus the fic no longer has a working premise and fails too.

    1.5/5 maybe rounded to a 2, for the writing. Not sure on the rounding up part yet, though ...

    Edit: GOOD GOD. After reading vlad's post, I went to look for myself. Rounded down to a 0. 0/5, Fail, FAIL, FAIL.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2009
  6. vlad

    vlad Banned ~ Prestige ~

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    To beat the dead horse, this story sucked.

    Pers hit the first couple chapters on the head. The last were completely rushed, like an author just trying to get to the end. They still sucked, had little bearing to the plot, and were all-in-all fail, but at least they were short, and the author realized it was failing.

    Then the ending.

    Frankly, it went far beyond fail even before the epilogue.

    Daphne died. When Tracey revealed this, I actually went back and reread the chapter she supposedly died in, because I couldn't believe I would continue reading such a story, and yet here I was. As suspected, there was absolutely no indication that one of the three main characters actually died. It was just thrown in their as an afterthought.

    To add insult to injury, Tracey used Harry's temporary death as the legal clause to get herself released - activating Harry's will. It went against every precedent the fic had set for 'chattel', but okay, I bought it. What I didn't buy was Harry being utterly dickless and grateful that Tracey returned 'most' of his property that she got from the will. Are you serious? The net result here is that Tracey begged Harry to claim her, as has been explained, he wins her in a retarded duel, goes out of his way to protect her, works with her to get free through the loophole... and then is grateful she doesn't clean him out. Huh...

    That doesn't even touch on the rest of the characters. The Ron Bashing ^ 100. Moody respecting the DA's fighting skills - the DA having such fighting skills, pulling off commando raids. Daphne prancing around naked trying to sex Harry and him saying no because she can't say no. I could see this being the case if she was his and didn't want to be, but the 'please sex me' threw that out the window. It served nothing more than to show how super!considerate Harry was.

    Then, as a final insult to injury, throwaway line that Ron is dating Romilda Vane, and he beats her. Thanx4that.

    Least Cho didn't have a penis.

    0/5. I'm more disgusted with myself than anything else for reading the whole thing.
     
  7. KrzaQ

    KrzaQ Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    Sesc, aren't you just annoyed because he killed Daphne? ;)

    Anyhow, there's no point criticizing the original idea that Crys based his story on. Yes, it is retarded, it does utilize some impossible plot devices, and most importantly, it wasn't meant to be used out of Humor/Parody genre, but all of this is hardly Crys's fault (okay, maybe the last one is).

    What he did with the idea, though, is his fault. When he started the story, I was really interested what an author who can string a few sentences together and distinguish "your" from "you're" would do with Blot's idea in a "serious" story. At first, I liked what I saw, but with each new chapter I was more and more disappointed.

    Ron and Dumbledore bashing is, unfortunately, present. Dumbledore is shown as senile old man who can't see obvious-for-everyone-around Snape's manipulations. Yeah, I remember clearly from canon, AD's IQ was around 70. Oh, wai-- Compared to Ron, though, Dumbledore still is quite in character. At least he isn't actively evil, didn't steal from Harry, didn't dose him with potions or whatever else he does in evil!Dumbledore stories.

    Ron, on the other hand... in three words, he's evil!retard!Ron. That's pretty much all there is about Ron in this story. I'd hoped that Crys made him this way because it was important for the plot somehow, but I was wrong, he made it just because he didn't like the character.

    Malfoy getting away with almost killing Harry was hardly believable, but I guess Harry did get away with almost nothing after he almost killed Malfoy in HBP. I loved the prank-gone-bad idea, though.

    It's quite clear in canon (and real life too), that once you die, you stay dead. Nobody failed to follow that rule. Well, in this story, apparently Harry can die and go back with no problem. I do understand that it was a plot device and that by the time Crys wrote that chapter, it was quite clear that he was tired of this story, but I'd rather see no updates rather than updates of this quality.

    Someone mentioned DA's fighting skills and Moody's respect. Well, while Moody's respect for their fighting skills is rather stretched idea (unless he's loosing it), the DA was under Neville's command for around 18 months, and if he prepared them for fight the whole time it might be possible. Besides, they didn't have any super skills, they took advantage of their numbers.

    Lack of smut is usually a good idea in a story with an actual plot, but hey, Harry was completely dickless here. I didn't want, or need, any graphical smut, but if he was limp when a hot, naked girl pranced around, one has to consider if the story wasn't slash.

    Then there is ending. I really hate bad endings, and since Daphne dies, it's anything but.

    TL;DR:

    It's a story where you want to punch both protagonist and author in the face. Logical fallacies are common, author introduces some original characters with canon characters' names (Ron, Dumbledore), and there is no good-ending. It still was somehow pleasurable to read, though.

    2/5 + 1 for making somewhat readable, serious story out of Blot's rather ridiculous idea.

    3/5
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2009
  8. brad

    brad Third Year

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    While it wasn't a perfect story - I thought the chapter with the actual battle was anticlimactic and awkwardly written - I didn't have the problems others have mentioned here. To the contrary, in fact.

    Harry's refusing to go along with most readers' fanboy expectations and have sex with the girls? Good on him! He didn't want to have sex with slaves. He didn't want to upset his best friend, Hermione. He wasn't 'in love' with either of them. He was only 17 and didn't realise he was expected to get laid. He didn't want to force himself on someone who couldn't say 'no'. Pick any or all of these reasons. I'll grant you that the last one, the one the author focussed on, was the weakest, as the girls weren't *magically* bound to do his bidding, like house elves; the chattel arrangement was merely one of wizard law. Inside the bedroom they *could* have had freedom to say 'no', given the nobility of their master. But, as it turned out, Harry didn't want to have sex anyway. Good for him.

    Tracey seizing the opportunity to reclaim her freedom? That makes perfect sense. She went along with the whole chattel thing in the first place because Harry was the best way to stay safe from Draco ... but she was still a slave. Maybe Daphne fell in love with their owner, but Tracey didn't; her #1 priority was to regain her freedom. She's a Slytherin. When the opportunity came for her to achieve her personal goal, she took it. She's also not an 'evil' Slytherin; she *could* have stripped Harry of his assets, but didn't; they had an arrangement. He got out of it practically unaffected; and she got back her freedom. That was her highest priority.

    The story was rushed and that battle chapter, with the switch in narrative perspective, let the whole story down a notch or two, but the two big complaints that have been voiced here aren't that grievous at all in my opinion.
     
  9. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

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    Yes -- that was partly why it suddenly dropped from 1.5 to 0 >_>

    I hadn't read much further than first five or so chapters when I first found it. But honestly, it was more the way he did it, not the fact on it's own ;)

    Disagree here. If it's in his story, it can be critisised as such. After all, he could have changed it, tweaked it, adapted it, done whatever with it, yet he left it the way it was. Only, of course, that the only realistic way to have it work would have been to get rid of it :p

    Edit:

    I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. Also: How you can even type all this

    while keeping a straight face, I don't know.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2009
  10. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    There's probably a manga or anime with this plot.

    Thus, 1/5.

    The fact anyone could bring themselves to write this is just bullshit. Most of the story's chapters are almost completely dialogue, the mark of a writer of limited talent.
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2009
  11. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    This I agree with ^

    This I do not^


    I assure you that I am a heterosexual Male, and I have and do turn down sex on principle. The fact that you do not/would not does not in fact preclude the rest of us from making a different choice.

    This being said, He was technically married to them and she was willing, I doubt I would have said no in his place.

    Then again, the 'Harry Potter' of cannon (and most fannon) seems to have a more uptight moral code than I do, especially the way cry's tends to write him. I find it plausible that he would do exactly what he did.

    As for the Ron bashing... Again, Cry's style. He doesn't like him, and with the way Ron was written in the story it is in fact a plausible (if unnecessary) addition as well as a good reason for the girls to visit Harry.

    Overall I liked it and feel it's a step above the usual stories with a similar plot.

    4/5
     
    Last edited: Oct 25, 2009
  12. brad

    brad Third Year

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    Heh. I didn't say it was the MAJOR reason. But if you tell me Harry has absolutely no concern for Hermione nor her opinion I'm sure we can find some excerpts from the canon to prove you wrong. As well as the story under review.

    And I think her opinion of Harry having sex with his chattel came through loud and clear in the story. Given the absence of actual 'love', a dominant rutting instinct or Vulcan Pon farr I dare say her opinion might have mattered, to *some degree*, to Harry. Just one of the reasons why Harry decided not to take advantage of his generous act in protecting the girls ... no strings attached.
     
  13. Sesc

    Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

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    Oh, I'm sure you can find some Canon-excerpt to prove that. This, however, does in no way change my reaction to reading that sentence in this context.

    And thanks(?) for reminding me -- wasn't there some scene in there where Hermione flipped, only because she thought Harry might have taken advantage of the girls' status?

    Yeah, I hated that too. So, so much.
     
  14. Kensington

    Kensington Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    I think the only this story would have worked at any level would have been if Crys had somehow made it into a comedy. Or introduce the slightest bit of humor into this overly serious piece of crap.

    I believe...that the only theme in this story is that women shouldn't be treated as property. There's some disappointed expectation that there would be some romance involved and an incredibly pathetic sideplot involving killing Voldemort, but the only prevalent theme here is that women should not be legally considered property. Oh, and Ron is an abusive lolicon.

    My rating: One tier below Unsung Hero on the fail scale.
     
  15. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    Meh, Me is a Cry's fan, I don't deny it. Take any rating I give his stories with a grain of salt. (That being said, if someone wants to re-write this into a smut/kill off fic I'm all for it :D)
     
  16. Vesvius

    Vesvius High Inquisitor DLP Supporter

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    I enjoyed this at first, but chapters 8, 9, and 10 all were pure crap.

    I'll give it a 2/5.
     
  17. Dirk Diggory

    Dirk Diggory Seventh Year

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    So Dickless Harry went through all the trouble of fighting to save them, protecting them, being a eunuch, getting them freed and then Tracey still jacked some of his shit? Lawl. That's the only (unintentional) good thing about this story.

    1/5
     
  18. vlad

    vlad Banned ~ Prestige ~

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    In fairness, probably the best trueSlytherin!OC there ever was...
     
  19. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    Nah, true slythern would have kept the money and such, not returned it... Though it's possible she would have married him afterword. outta pity you see.
     
  20. fuubar

    fuubar Headmaster

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    1/5 for reasons already stated.

    Decent writing but the end is a complete insult to the reader. >__>