Bonjour DLP.

I’m starting a new story but a load of reviewers and a couple of people on this very Forum have advised me to find some people to proof read my stuff before publishing it. As this is the place where all FanFiction gets flash boiled in the fires of hatred I thought this would be the place to be.

Anyway, I’ve been hanging around reading a bunch of posts without commenting for the past month and I think I’ve got it down.

The FanFiction.net address is below:
Choose: the rest is in the details

I'm aiming for another 3/5 Fic, and have two chapters done. So should I be copying The Santi’s method, posting all my stuff in WbA and then linking it to this thread so the rough copy can be read continuously?

…

Cheers

 

Am I correct in assuming that that's the rating you're going for on the fic? 'Cause if so then it really isn't worth anyone's time.

Go for 5/5 or don't do it at all.

Read it and I kinda liked it. It's a bit... Joe-y though. Actually, it's really Joe-y. You might wanna work on that.

I'd be up for proof reading/betaing it depedning on whether you IRC or not. Not really much to say about my talents in that regard but if no one else offers then yeah.

 

I mean, that's not just the "Santi Method". A lot of DLP writers post in WbA and then post on FFN. It's a good way to spot errors. I haven't had a chance to read it yet (got to go to practice) but I like Joe's work.

And I agree with Arid. Shoot for a 5/5, and never lower. You always aim high.

You don't necissarily need a beta if you post in WbA, but I usually get someone to read my work constantly before posting.

EDIT: lol Portus. Wrote it on IPOD.

 

Go for 5/5, go for WBA.

If your story is called out as being shit, you'll get feedback on how to improve and develop it.

 

I loved your first story. It was all sorts of crazy and refreshing, which is a good thing around here, but it desperately needed a beta.

Post your new fic in WbA, take the harsh criticism you'll receive in consideration and try to improve without losing your innate style. I especially liked the relationship between Harry and Tam, it was unique, entertaining and surprisingly profound. If you can achieve something similar in this new story it'll be worthwhile.

And yes, everyone should be gunning for 5/5, but that's really difficult to achieve considering the distinguished and demanding userbase here. As long as you try to improve your writing your contributions will be appreciated.

Quite a few people really liked your first story when it was mentioned in Almost Recommended, so as long as you remember that you can't please everyone you'll be fine.

 

Lemme say first of all that I haven't read this or any of your other stuff. I'm also not a fan of Joe's writing style, but to say I'm in the minority here with regards to that view would be a gigantic understatement.

I have completed two one-shots, and posted one in the WbA and one in a monthly contest before tossing them onto FFn. I had Zennith beta the contest entry, and if you're anything like me, just the fresh set of eyes to give you unpleasant news like "oh shit that's a plothole" or "dude, this is atrocious" is worth the hassle.

You shoulda had them beta that post, CM. But seriously, I think the purpose of WbA is half group beta'ing, half "ooh, a promising new story; let's see what cool shit this one came up with!"

Couldn't have said it better myself (though I'll try).

If you're shooting for nothing more than mediocrity, you'll be *damn lucky* to get mediocre. If you're not going to put your best effort into it - and therefore gain enough confidence in your skills to make that mean something - then you've beaten yourself before you've much begun.

QFT. Take the criticism for what it is: your fellow DLPers trying to help you make your story cogent, fresh, and enjoyable. We could drop a ton of other adjectives (right part of speech?) in there, but you get the drift.

More sage advice right there. There are going to be people on DLP who're unimpressed with your story or unhappy about the way you go about it, and that's simply the way it is. If in the end you're satisfied you did your very best, and are pleased with your final product, well that's all that matters.

 

+1 to this. Old and New World, and even your earlier efforts in The Dark Lord's Equal, succeeded on the strength of pulpy, entertaining fun. The mechanical quality of your writing could definitely be improved, but be careful with wandering too far away from your identity as a writer.

As for the current work, I love the idea, but I never really liked the Joe-ism of interspersing little isolated snippets of commentary text inside your story. You did well keeping your rhythm with it because they were all very short, but be wary of letting them grow in size if you plan to continue to use them as scenebreaks.

 

Yeah, definitely 3/5 at best. This is definitely one of those stories that feels like an entertaining parody, but ultimately not something you could hold up as actually being good.

If you want your story to be taken seriously and not as a loosely connected comedic jaunt, then you need to ground the story's foundations in reality and make sure that everything you do would make sense given whatever initial adjustments there are from canon.

Then again, maybe you do just want a loosely connected comedic jaunt, in which case what you have is fine. I'll be the first to admit that I enjoyed your other story for what it was (though it did get tiring towards the end).

Edit: I agree with Anarchy.

 

Have not read any other stories, but I did find this one entertaining. My only real problem is that this "evil" Harry has no real cause to be so.

 

Apologies, allow me to rephrase.

A 3/5 estimation is not my implying fake humility, I spent 5yrs sparring before taking the black belt assessment, and all the early stuff I composed on the guitar was outright appallingly bad. I do shoot a full creative load on each story, but am realistic enough to know I’m about six novel length stories away from writing anything which is likely to be considered Five by Five.

So in order to improve I’m attempting to get some proof readers willing to make suggestions, I can’t spell and am rubbish at grammar, and it seems getting help is probably a good place to start.

Anyway, thanks for the replies, I’ll try and take what criticism is to be had with poise and consideration. I will be posting the chapters in WbA presently and linking them to this thread so the rough copy can be read back to back.

…

Again, cheers.

 

I noticed a few things in Chapter 2, probably didn't catch the half of it though.

You probably want to replace the him with a his there.

You had word order issues, probably from changing things around mid-writing and leaving things in the wrong places.

There needs to be that using in there, and he couldn't be using something intentionally if he didn't know he was doing it. "Instinctively" sort of fits, but you use it in the next sentence so you might want to rearrange that whole area.

I'm pretty sure you need those commas there, but I'm no expert. I'm fairly confident you definitely at least need the latter one.

As for the story I loved the chapter, the strongest part of Old World and New World was the cool dynamic Harry had when working with a team, and this little giant adventure had a similar feel.

 

Question: how are you going to handle the fact Cedric and Harry disappeared after the third task, and no one came back to explain?

 

Oh; now I understand what you were getting at. To be honest, you really don't need two separate threads. The only reason this is being done for Santi is that before the separation of story and discussion it was immensely difficult to locate story posts due to the sheer amount of other posts. This isn't a problem for 99% of WbA, and it probably won't be one for you.

 

Why would anyone aim to be 3/5?

If you want to improve, shouldn't you be constantly pushing yourself? By aiming for average, you're not getting anywhere. Aim high or don't bother at all. Get your attitude on quality right first, buddy.

Don't misread this to mean that your story HAS to be a 5/5. If you want a 100, aim for 200. Only if you aim of a 5/5 will you be disappointed by a 3/5, which would then make you want to improve that much more. I keep hearing people say "I want to be realistic" and stuff, but in my opinion, you need to be unrealistic in order to push your brain.

 

The first few screens were really hard to read. Too heavy on adjectives, I guess.

Totally agree. It's probably the interludes. I hate joe6991's interludes ramblings, so a biased opinion here. But yours were tolerable. Especially the one just before Harry's fight with the giant was spot on. I suggest more of these, and less ramblings.

And again, need beta.

EDIT:

Yeah.

 

I didn't like it at all.

It is not original, witty or anything. It reminds me of one of those evil Harry fics that were popular a few years ago. Harry would be brilliant, sarcastic, Voldemort would trust him wholeheartedly (before Harry overthrew him, of course). You would have a manipulative Dumbledore, Hermione... Everyone pretty much.

It makes no sense why Harry would join Voldemort and hate Dumbledore. Voldemort KILLED HIS PARENTS. There are very few reasons why Harry would ever join Voldemort. It would be more believable for Harry to make his own dark minions than join Voldemort.

It feels like a very bad parody. ._. Sorry

I'll be honest, it did do one good thing; made me want to update my Harry joins Voldemort story... A part of a reason why I began my story was to go against stories like this.

 

Last paragraph:

I'd usually agree with you concerning this point, but right now we know nothing regarding Harry's reasoning, how AU this story is and consequently how the past 4 years at Hogwarts and/or his childhood differ from canon.

And judging by 'An Old and New World' I can confidently look forward to how LoS is going to surprise us. It's way too early to judge the plot right now, Harry could be a time traveler, he could be a very talented occlumens, there are an unlimited amount of possibilities. Hell, we don't even know what happened to Cedric.

 

Groovy indeed.

It's all a giant cliche. Evil!Harry immediately adopted as Voldemort's protege to teach Dumbledore a lesson. You're only missing the slash for a perfect storm.

That said, the reason thing become cliche is because the ideas behind them are simply too cool to be used only once. Look at Circular Reasoning: Time travel. Check. EvilAsshole!Harry. Yup. Last heir to some long lost family line... But Circular Reasoning is awesome. And this could be too.

My biggest problem with the story is that there doesn't seem to be a reason for Harry's insanity. And his is (or ought to be) insane. He resurrects the monster who killed his parents, he asks for crucios like candy, and he decides to slug it out with a giant. He is a sociopath with masochistic tendencies. I like that. But I don't understand why.

Your little italicized intermezzos of quotes from the past don't do it for me. I get that Harry hates Dumbledore, i get that he like evil, la di da di da. Give me reasons. I think the best approach would be brief flashbacks, maybe a simple image or emotion: the Hogwarts letter, his discovery that he can't use magic on the Dursleys, the first time he killed something... There are a lot of little turning points (at least in a good story) that someone would go thorough before they became a cold-blooded killer.

There were some parts I really liked. AKing Wormtail was attention-grabbing. I loved the little bit about pillows and evil. And the giants worked.

Cut down on the Voldemort parts. The story should be about Harry. Voldemort can and should be used to raise tension, but it only works if Voldemort screen time is a limited commodity. Get rid of the Voldemort POV, or minimize it to create some distance. Don't have Voldemot worry about animagus transformations, have him worry about the fact that Harry is planning on killing him.

That's done. The story has some potential. Make it a little less obvious, get rid of the overblown one liners, and give us some back story, and this could very easily be a 4/5. Right now, it needs some work. 3/5 for now.

 

Noooooooo! The one liners are awesome.

As for the other stuff, I'm not sure if Harry is sociopathic exactly, he's just more focused on hurting someone he perceives as his enemy (Dumbledore) instead of his parents' enemy (Voldemort). I think a lot of Harry's change in attitude might be due to Sirius already being dead, as was alluded to in one of the scenebreaks. The loss of Sirius cuts Harry's best remaining tie with his parents and probably implicates Dumbledore further in one false swoop.

I for one, like the exchanges with Voldemort played for a certain amount of comedy. Part of the attraction of this Harry is that he's so utterly nuts he'll banter with Voldemort even while being crucioed for it.

 

It started quite fun, though the writing style could improve. As Phys said, the one liners are awesome - as exaggerated as they are - and are part of what makes it fun.

I lolled.

Second chapter, started to lose a bit of interest.

I guess the fun part of chapter 1 was the comical interaction between Harry and Voldemort. Second chapter didn't feature that and felt more like a poorly written Independent!Harry fic over the parody-like nature of the first chap.