@Rhys: No, not those one liners. I meant the hard-boiled italicized crap in between scenes.

As for his sociopathy(or lack thereof): You might very well be right, but if that is so, then I need a reason for him being so OOC. I just can't see canon Harry acting like this... well, ever. He just isn't this funny. So while your character is more interesting, I still need some justification of why your Harry is what he is.

And on the Voldemort parts: I think my problem was tone. Chapter 1 Voldemort is hilarious. Chapter 2 Voldemort is a cackling villain cliche. I want more of 1 and less of 2.

 

Thank you for the feedback. This is what I've learned:

The 1st Person page breaks don’t seem too popular, but the consensus appears to be ‘keep them short’ and ‘keep them on point.’ I opted on using them to explore the divergence from canon without flashbacks (which I’ve been informed are amateurish and stupid.) The original CH1 was a big monologue going over everything that had happened leading to the opening scene. Unfortunately it sucked so I deleted it. A small spoiler would be that it diverged because of Black’s getting Kissed at the end of PoA, or more accurately a realisation made during the summer before 4th year.

I might be able to roll with that if you guys think it’s a better method. The divergence would remain the same, but Harry could be thinking back to brief moments and seeing them in a new light. I actually quite like this idea.

Now I hope not to make the post too long, but I need to tell you HOW I go about writing stories. The above quote asked “how am I going to handle the fact…”

I don’t think like that at all. The way I wrote my last two Fics was more, “Hey, author brain, what would Dumbledore and the Phoenixes response be to Harry and Cedric not returning?” … and … “What would Voldemort command done to an alive prisoner tied to a gravestone?”

When I ask my brain questions, the answers it gives me tend to be pretty obvious, and then I attempt to think through as many of the implications as I can. Bizarre schizophrenic writing style or what?

…

There was a comment about my using Lord Malfoy in CH1, which I acknowledge is in the Pet Peeves Thread, however my Fics are all interconnected, and the title is in line with my description of the Wizengamot (if you really hate it please ignore it.)

A second comment about using magic to take down a Giant… Can it be justified if Harry was trying to beat it to a pulp rather than kill it? I mean, he could have just shouted an AK, and it’d be over. Acceptable explanation or stupid author plot hole?

What else? I need more grounding in reality, I need to get to the plot relevant reason for all the Animagus and Crucios, Voldemort’s motivation for not killing Harry, I need to introduce a pairing, come up with some reason for a return to Hogwarts (I already know HOW just not WHY), and lastly reassure everyone that I’m not going to angst on and on about betrayal, either real or perceived.

AND I need to make damn sure the thing doesn’t degrade into a bunch of stupid jokes like all my other stories tended to.

…

Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback. Rhys especially for the spelling/grammar corrections, I appreciate the help.

…

This post is too long. I’m sticking CH2 onto FF.net and am about to begin typing CH3 right after.

 

No, you need to make sure that it doesn't degrade into JUST a bunch of jokes. The jokes and general craziness were what kept your previous story entertaining as hell. Keep it that way, and instead of changing your style you should build up on it.

Take the jokes and your unique style of humor as a foundation and then try to improve the rest. It's probably going to be very hard to find the right balance between humor and plot, but if you drastically decrease the amount of jokes your stories would probably lose a big part of their uniqueness.

Well, that's at least my limited opinion.

 

My best explanation of why Giants and other large magical beasts like Dragons, Nundus, and Basilisks don't just fall to AKs and the like is the D&D concept of "Spell Resistance". Spells that have innately magical effects on the target, such as a Jelly Legs Jinx, an Imperio, or an Avada Kedavra, have trouble affecting innately magical creatures.

However, certain spells which just produce psuedo-physical effects at the moment of casting such as Reducto, Depulso, Bombarda, and the like ignore Spell Resistance. These spells are mostly magical right at the moment of casting, but afterwards they're just physical effects created by the magic. In this model, chucking a Reducto at a Giant isn't that different from levitating a rock and launching it at it.

Obviously none of this is even close to HP canon, but if you want an explanation of how a wizard could fight a Giant without being able to just summarily kill it, there you go.

 

Yup - otherwise, the Killing Curse would just be a universal 'Dark creature disposal' spell.

Maybe add in something that there's a great price to be paid by using the Unforgivables, which prevents them from being used casually, and Bob's ya Uncle.

One fic' I read that worked somewhat within canon's limits, was that using an Unforgivable set you upon a proverbial slippery slope - Harry couldn't cast the Cruciatus properly at the DoM fuckup, and was a little horrified that he tried it afterwards, but as the war went on and he kept using them due to dire nessescity, at the Battle of Hogwarts, when someone spat on McGonagall, he fried them with the Cruciatus angrily and without a second thought because they didn't show her respect, and he actually thought it was acceptable, showing that his mindset has subtly changed overtime without him realizing it - it was Hermione that had to point it out to him.

 

High praise indeed. Happy to see you've started a new story. As others have said already, I really do love your writing style (otherwise I never woulda posted in Almost Rec), and your ability to balance humor and plot is spot on. You don't need to change that, just improve upon the skills you already have. And get a beta. Or keep posting in WbA, that works jut as well.


And Jor, what story are you talking about, sounds like an interesting read.

 

I honestly can't remember who it was by, and I'm not sure if it even had Harry or Harry and Hermione as the character pairing (not 'ship).

It's on ff.net somewhere, though.

 

Run that by me again? by Sarah1281

A moderately amusing collection of drabbles if I remember correctly, first chapter is especially good.

 

Ahh DLP. You always supply the best comedy for that 1am chuckle.

 

I need to give the antagonists, probably one of the students, some kind of monster power boost at around the ¾ point. The only thing I can think of is midgame Time-Travel, and I’m not certain that’s such a good idea. I mean, I’ve already done that in the other story, would it come across as stupid and repetitive?

P.s. I’m about 2k words through CH3. It’s been hard going because Theo doesn’t have enough characterisation yet to make writing easy. I’d forgotten how much more difficult the early chapters of a story are compared to the later ones.

Oh and thanks for the DnD link, it was interesting. I’m actually running with Unforgivable exposition at some point in this story because I don’t think they are technically Dark Magic at all. (I’ll not explain here because it will be in text.)

Thanks again for all the comments.

 

Well, excepting Time Travel, the Ravenclaw Diadem in the RoR is still largely undefined in usage and power and conveniently sitting in Hogwarts. Not sure if you mind the student being mostly possessed by Voldemort or not, but there are probably ways around that.

 

Well Rhys I’m running with it, well, a more detailed version of the idea at any rate. As it was your suggestion I’ll PM you the notes if you want.

Now I have to figure out how to do foreshadowing

 

Have you thought about having a Badass!Neville as the antagonist? He was sequestered, and now that the war is in the endgame, Dumbles and the light need, and get, a hero.

There are a hell of a lot of cliches in fanfiction for making an overpowered Harry very quickly. Why not subvert that by giving them to your antagonists? Ron is found to be the Heir of Gryffindor, Collin Creevy is a phoenix animagus, Hermione trains with a time-turner in the Room of Requirements for a month and becomes the next Morgana leFay.

On another note, I would be happy to proof your stuff, if you want.

 

I’m not particularly happy with how CH3 came out, but after two weeks stumbling around without much progress I’d better just post it and try to go from there.

Anyone want to proof read it before I post on FF Net?

Also, how do I send it if you want to beta … Do I just Private Message 5000 words or something?