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[Abandoned] Control by Anonymous58 - M

Discussion in 'Dark Arts' started by Andro, Apr 13, 2010.

  1. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    This newest chapter continues in the same vein, but something, not necessarily a problem, that's become more pronounced is Harry's internal monologue.

    He seems so passive in making these observations, kind of listless. I feel like I'm playing a JRPG of some sort with the character having thoughts in a thought bubble.

    Harry has these bursts of fire and passion that are great.

    Again, Bellatrix is unpredictable,

    her killing her own unborn child is a pretty good example. The author's going in with all guns blazing

    and her dialogue is just so right. Clinginess, vulnerability, then the classic blood purist.

    The distinguishing feature of this Bellatrix is that she has real mental problems. I mean this beyond the obvious meaning. She is so off-kilter and so deranged she simply isn't functional, it's not just to make her fascinating or to please fanboys.

    I also like the fact that the author is trying to develop a theme, on dark wizards and control. This is a story that will most likely have a brain.
     
    Last edited: Apr 18, 2010
  2. SmileOfTheKill

    SmileOfTheKill Magical Amber

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    Any story that has dark wizards being as they should be, AKA evil and insane, that is a good thing.
     
  3. Inert

    Inert Auror

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    Couldn't have said it any better myself.

    Frankly, I was stunned by this fic. I had read the summary and had immediately thought that this was going to be some post-OotP piece of shit. I was more than happy to be surprised. Bella's characterization is done expertly, Harry's skill set is reasonable(somewhat), and the description of Azkaban is refreshing.

    In regards to the latest chapter, it is more of the same good shit. The only discrepancy I have is Dumbledore and his motives. I feel that the author is either making him int the master puppeteer(not all bad), or some all light seeing moron who only believes in the best of people.

    4/5 from me, only because of the early angst.
     
  4. KrzaQ

    KrzaQ Denarii Host DLP Supporter

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    Dumbledore could simply be a realist. If he really believes Harry to be the prophecy boy he knows he has no chances if he continues his half-life in Azkaban. As to him insisting it wasn't Harry's fault: can you see a head of Wizengamot admitting to releasing a criminal from prison?
     
  5. Ceebee

    Ceebee High Inquisitor

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    While a good start, Dumbledore really irks me. I'm fine with a bit of a manipulative DD, thats ok, but it can go overboard and mega puppet master DD just feels so silly.

    I can dig DD not being 100% certain on who exactly the prophecy refers too, so he wants to keep Harry in the reserve. But to release someone he knows is a murderer, because I got the feeling that he doesn't really believe in the diary possession story he's selling, into a school is ridiculous.

    I can get maybe releasing him into some kind of house arrest under a caretaker/tutor (Tonks?), but to release him into a school full of children, well how the hell is he going to sell that to the public? Especially because he'll be going back when the Tri-wizard is on, I don't think Beuxbatons and Durmstrang would like some crazy (he has been both possessed, AND has spent a year with Dementors) multiple murder just walking around where their students will be.

    This is a 3.5, with the main deductions being mega mind magics that everyone uses, despite canon giving the impression that its an old obscure magic that very few know. Pretty much that whole mind magic system really, crazy representations, imagined conflict/fights within the mind that has tangible results outside, the embodiment of Harry's magic is the fire makes reading those sections a bit of a chore to me.
     
  6. Sin Saiori

    Sin Saiori Death Eater

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    Hell no I can't. There's no way that Dumbledore could have done that without giving the court a really good reason or having some amazing evidence proving his innocence. He couldn't do the former and didn't have the latter, so he made his own evidence.

    It's kinda damn shocking that this story's portrayal of the justice system is probably the best I've ever seen in HP fanfic: Harry kills people and goes to Azkaban for life, then under the pressure of supposedly irrefutable evidence, release him with a full pardon. I don't know whether to laugh or cry that everything works normally when you take the celebrity status out of the equation.

    @Ceebee: I don't call shenanigans on PuppetMaster!Dumbledore until I see withheld wills, stolen bank property, or things like that. The portrayal of character insanity is much more hardcore than in canon, meaning that the first war was probably far worse than we know. When faced with a somewhat vague prophecy concerning the potential of their world, Dumbledore comes off as far more desperate than manipulative. Does he believe the bull he fed the Wizengamot? EFF NO he doesn't, but he needs answers and reassurances, neither of which he'll get with Harry in Azkaban.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2010
  7. Cxjenious

    Cxjenious Supreme Mugwump

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    I've nothing else to add to you all's raving reviews except to say that this story intrigues me. I'll be looking for more.

    4.5/5
     
  8. Imariel

    Imariel Order Member DLP Supporter

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    Pretty much the only recent story I've read that does not make me want to vomit at its indistinguishability.

    I do not care about the apparant cliches and Dursley abuse, the tone is well set, it's intriguing and well written. Not to mention his Bellatrix made me feel fuzzy inside.
     
  9. Thorn

    Thorn Professor

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    The fic is so good because it takes the cliches and runs. I didn't mind one bit when I read the same twists I've read again and again, because it's written so well.

    5/5 thus far.
     
  10. turtle7

    turtle7 Backtraced

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    Lol there's something wrong with you then, for liking a mass murderer the same way as liking a cute doggy or something.
     
  11. Sin Saiori

    Sin Saiori Death Eater

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    What makes you think we get all fuzzy inside from puppys?
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2010
  12. turtle7

    turtle7 Backtraced

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    People with a bad handle on spelling and grammar generally fit in that category.
     
  13. Aekiel

    Aekiel Angle of Mispeling Prestige DLP Supporter

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    If you don't find mutilation and torture amusing in any way I'm afraid you're in the wrong place. Especially considering that incestuous rape fics and The Office are par for the course here.
     
  14. Skykes

    Skykes Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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    Bella says 'ickle' way too much. The baby voice is in character, saying ickle 5 times in one sentence is not.
     
  15. Torak

    Torak Death Eater

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    Stop with your lies brah
     
  16. Hashasheen

    Hashasheen Totally Sirius

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    ... She's a psychotic Dark Witch with a hard-on for killing the impure. I'm pretty sure she'd say ickle as much as she wanted and felt like.
     
  17. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    Good point, it is overused a bit.
     
  18. Aekiel

    Aekiel Angle of Mispeling Prestige DLP Supporter

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    Okay, maybe I overstated how tame The Office was, but Harry/Lily and Harry/Fem!Harry have pretty good followings here, if you haven't noticed.

    Also, the Thank God You Raped Me thread.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2010
  19. Seratin

    Seratin Proudmander Prestige DLP Supporter

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    ...I totally forgot about that thread.
     
  20. Dark-Stallion

    Dark-Stallion Professor

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    By all intents and purposes I should love this, but I just don't.

    Like already mentioned, Harry is ridiculously powerful at a young age. You may try to argue he just applied himself, but to cast at least 2 successful Avada Kedavra's before your 13th birthday (and a whole slew of Dark-Arts capable of extreme damage) is just obscene. Luck or no luck, he killed 2 fully trained arurors and now has the ability to cast the Cruciatus curse with a necklace. I've not even mentioned his Ligilimency, which he doesn't seem to need an incantation for.

    I can usually see past this kind of stuff, but when the writer is clearly competent and able I lose any semblance of patience I have and become quite critical. The characterisation of Bella was good on average, but again I was expecting better from the reviews given; there is still definite room for improvement.

    The description of Azkaban is mediocre to decent, somehow the illusion of it being an impregnable fortress is broken when a 13 year old is able to use magic and walk around freely.

    Dumbledore, again, annoys me; there are few people who, in my eyes, are able to write him well. The shock at Harrys' use of Avada Kedavra, for instance, irritates me, and then we get onto the transparent manipulation attempts.

    Overall it is well written, but it feels as if the author is setting up an attempted epic of proportions I don't believe he/she will be able to manage. Very few can. I'll rate a tentative 3.5/5 (rounding down to 3/5 for now), and perhaps read it again after the first few chapters are posted. That said, it being only a prologue I'm sure that it will improve, unless it implodes which I fear it may.

    Dark Stallion.