It has been a long time since I've had good enough quote to bump this topic.

This one is from Murder at Malfoy Manor by Sophiax.

‘You’ve read Hogwarts: A History?’ [Voldemort] asked.

[Hermione] smiled wistfully. ‘Oh, yes. It’s my favourite book.’

‘Mine too!’ Voldemort said, then cleared his throat. ‘I especially enjoy the chapter on the changing enchantments and hidden rooms.’

‘Chapter Twenty-six!’ Hermione exclaimed.

‘I have a first edition.’

‘Really?’ Hermione squeaked. ‘How in the world did you find it?’

‘Stole it from the possessions of some old lady I murdered.’

‘Oh.’ Hermione realised what he had said, and a mix of horror and sympathy played across her face.

 

Another one. From Dumbledore's Payback by Laume. Cool one-shot.

“Alright. So a child comes to you and tells you a problem. What do you do? Albus?”

“I erm…offer a lemon drop?”

The rest of the class groaned.

“Ye-es, but after that?”

“After that I offer some really vague advice and twinkle at them?”

The majority of the class was now banging their heads on the tables.

“Albus…this is childcare 101. Have you ever even SEEN a child?” the teacher asked exasparated.

“Well…I did work as a teacher and headmaster for about 100 years,” Albus offered.

“That must’ve been a disaster,” one of the other students said through clenched teeth.

“Enough for today. Homework, read chapters 10 and 11. Albus…I have some complementary reading for you…”

About a dozen books were thrust in the headmasters hands.

“Thank you, my boy,” the headmaster twinkled at the pale and desperate teacher.

 

I have one from Harry Potter and the Overdone Plot Devices:

Here's another from my all-time favorite :The Ultimate Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue:

 

Can I have links to those stories Lady Almaren?

 

Harry Potter Cliche Catalogue: http://www.fictionalley.org/authors/clam_chowder/TUHPCC.html

Harry Potter and the Overdone Plot Devices: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1788260/1/

 

This one isn't HP, but when i heard it it was really funny;

It's from SG:A, if you didn't guess, in Rising pt. 2.

 

Make a Wish by Rorschach's Blot

Harry Potter and the Dream Come True by grand admiral chelli

 

Harry Potter and the Dream Come True

 

Here's one from Slave of Dragons http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2553767/1/:

And heres another:

 

Another from Harry Potter and the Dream Come True,

 

This one is awesome.

“This is the famous seer Ima Totalfraud. She lived in isolation on top of a mountain and fasted for a month and then began seeing visions.” The figure slowly began to speak. “Lo, the fates have spoken that it shall come to pass, that it has been foretold, that it will come to pass, that the red-haired one shall discover her heart’s deepest love in the dragon of the slicked-hair. Forsooth, they shalt be wed, and from their union will come many, many, many, many bad fanfictions.”

From Harry Potter and the Overdone Plot Devices: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/1788260/8/

 

My favorite quotes come from Harry Potter and the Defiance of the Hero:

 

I want to post something from my own story, but I know that would be arrogent. That said:

Edit: Yay! I'm finally a Death Eater.

 

These are some quotes that I liked...

I'd Kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Keep smiling. It makes people wonder what you're up to.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

When everything is coming your way, your in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

 

This is from Chapter 3 of Darkness Unleashed by MadnessPersonified

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3031704/3/

I figured I would post this one here, simply because of the death by kitchen utensils theme.

"Accio kitchen utensils," said Harry without a wand or replacement wand in hand. After a second pause, the kitchen utensils zipped off the shelf, flying through Dudley, and impaling him, causing Dudley to die instantly. And what was worse, Dudley didn't get any cake before he died.

 

Not from a HP story, but I found it quite funny nonetheless.

 

I'm sure we're all familiar with the works of Lunakatrina:

There were plenty more but I wouldn't have been able to fit them ALL in.

 

From a fic I doubt (m)any of you have read due to the pairing, from the ever quoteable lunakatrina (segments of various chapters from Something Lost, Something Found):

And another:

Yet another:

And finally:

 

From lunakatrina

 

This one is from Darkness Unleashed by MadnessPersonified

You want what? by lunakatrina