Cool quotes

Leibhaftige Finsternis · Aug 6, 2006

This is pretty good. The fic it came from was abandoned over a year ago, and I stumbled onto it.

‘Potter, you could join us, you could be great’ Bellatrix couldn’t help but giggle at yet another ‘speech’ Voldemort was making.

Her new-master bowed mockingly at the Dark Lord and begun a ‘speech’ of his very own.

‘Why of course, absolutely’ he said, sarcasm just dripping from every word ‘why would I not join you, first you kill my parents, then you try to kill, you almost killed one of the Weasleys, you killed Cedric Diggory, yet again trying to kill me, basically you’re a very bad boy, I suppose you ruined my life as well, why wouldn’t I join you’

Voldemort actually looked hopeful.

‘What a fucking shit-cake’ Bellatrix thought.
Click to expand...

Edit: For those of who wish to find the fic, it was Black Rose by August-Dragon, but only made it to 2 chapters before being abandoned.

Dubrichius · Aug 7, 2006

While not from Harry Potter fan fiction, these quotes, in my opinion, are downright gems.

I'd had enough. I really had. I wasn't dealing with a common or garden jobsworth or petty dictator type here. This man was at least clinically neurotic, if not an out and out psycho. There was only one way to deal with him. I leaned close to the glass and wispered dangeriously: 'I want to the time of the next train to Vienna, I want a ticket for that train, and I want to know which platform the Vienna train leaves from. If I am not holding that ticket in my hand within thirty seconds, I'm going to come around the back of your little domain there, slap you to the ground, pull of your pecker and your love sacs with my bare hands and whip you senselesswith them while I make you my donkey bitch through the bloddy new hole in your groin.'
Click to expand...

That was from near the end of chapter 28 of Incompetence, written by Rob Grant.

By now, my nerves were set completely on edge. I drained the whisky and headed for the bathroom. As my hand reached down for the handle, I froze. I could hear running water. I put my ear to the door. Yes. The shower was running. And somebody was humming, very softly. I stepped my senses down from Def Com Three. That's what was wrong with the room: it was double booked. All was right with the world again.
The shower stopped. I strolled over to the minibar and took out another whisky miniature. I settled back into the unfeasibly comfortable armchair and waited.
I didn't have to wait long. The bathroom door opened and a woman stepped through.
I say 'woman', but that hardly does justice to the apothesis of femininity that padded into my room wearing only a man's shirt - completely unbuttoned, mind - and a pair of ghostly underpants that redefined the the word 'skimpy'. You could have had a philosophical debate about whether or not they actually existed at all. They seemed to be hovering in some barely visible reality, halfway between this world and the next.
Now, a man reaches a certain age, and pretty much all women start to look beautiful. Whether that's because your standards get lower, or because the scales really do fall from your eyes is a moot point. But this woman was a heartstopper by any measure. You could have employed her in an abattoir as a humane method of stunning animals before slaughter, and, trust me, they'd have died happy. You could have stood this woman in a queue at a bank, and robbed the vaults, picked all the teller's pockets, and staged an impromptu performance of Wagner's Ring Trilogy without even the closed-circuit cameras noticing you.
Click to expand...

That one came from near the beginning of chapter 10 of Incompetence.

Her hand stretched out and the hatchway door sighed closed. She pulled the tie-up at the top of his gown and tugged it open, then slowly lowered herself on top of him. Her arms drapped around his neck and she bit him tenderly on his mouth as she started gently to sway back and forth on top of him.
'Ooh,' said Lister.
'Ooh,' said the woman with the invisible appendectomy scar.
'Aaaaaaah,' said Lister more enthusiastically.
'Aaaaaaah,' said the woman right back.
And so the conversation comtinued until an 'Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh' and a 'Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh' brought the exchange of dialogue to a satisfactory conclusion four and a half minutes later.
If you'd have asked him Lister would have said it was twenty minutes later. But he'd have been wrong.
Click to expand...

That final one was from Part 2,Chapter 1 of Red Dwarf: Last Human, by Doug Naylor.

BloodLust · Aug 10, 2006

Draco’s face drained white as the list of accusatory questions went on. ‘I did no such thing!’ he shouted. ‘My father was – he was – he was my father! Only a total psychopath would murder his own father!’

Once again, everyone turned to look at Voldemort, who rocked his head back in protest. ‘What?’ he said. ‘If you all had known my filthy Muggle father, you’d have murdered him, as well. Can’t a man get any sympathy around here? Besides, that is hardly the same thing. Apples and oranges.’ He waved one hand dismissively.

also Murder at Malfoy Manor

Mercenary · Aug 14, 2006

Death can't be too bad. I mean, you've never heard a dead man complain, have you?- Citizen Soldiers

KeshinNoAkui · Aug 18, 2006

Elemental Genesis said:

"It is getting out of hand. Let's remember the case of one Brian Jennings." At the two groans that greeted the mention of this one name, he grinned. "You both know he's the perfect example of constant reincarnation."

"I forgot what his purpose even was," admitted Melania.

Black Wolf gave a sharp bark. "I can't say I blame you there. How many times has he been here? I think it was 2,659 times since 1633? I swear that in his unconscious mind he knows us."

Thanatos stifled a laugh. Sending a glare in his direction, she nevertheless replied, "You know that can't be right. Reincarnation totally erases the soul's memory of the past and of here."

"I have to agree with the old stone statue here, that guy does probably recognize us. He happens to hold the record for 'Most Incarnated Soul', for your information. I bet that Annie Kentworth is going to throw a fit if she even sees him again, much less picks him up."

"But I can't send him off yet! You know the rules! As great as my cunning and deviousness is, I can't get around that."

Black Wolf sneered, "I bet you haven't tried. He probably never will make it to his final judgment anyway and he's the only one at fault. Everyone knows that you shouldn't cheat on your wife, ESPECIALLY when that said wife has Viking blood running through her veins. Did you notice that her reincarnated soul is the one that keeps killing him?"

Thanatos blinked. "No. Did you, Mel?"

"Unfortunately so. Remember that time he came back five months after we sent him off in August 1974?"

"Yeah. His mother got into a car accident and miscarried him. Annie picked him up. Again. Why?"

"The driver of the other vehicle was the reincarnate of his wife. In every one of his lives, he's been killed by whoever has his old wife's soul. Talk about revenge."

"Ouch."

"Well, you get the idea. Now both of you, quiet. I'm reopening the doors." She snapped her fingers. The huge carved black doors at the end of the hall slowly opened. But before they had opened completely, the loud voice of a female reached their ears.

"I've had enough of this! Boss!" A blonde woman in her late twenties angrily swept into the room, dark green eyes flashing dangerously. Behind the fuming, black-robed woman was a thirty or so man looking very confused. Seeming to forget who she was in front of Melania and Thanatos, she pointed at the male and screeched, "Again! This makes it the thousandth time I've picked him up! His wife's reincarnate killed him again. It involved poison, a gun, a knife, a six-pack of beer, and his girlfriend's betrayal, who happened to be the reincarnation of his mistress! How does this always happen to him?! I'M SICK OF IT!""

With a bemused expression, the man asked, "Don't I know all you people?"

Black Wolf turned to the shocked Melania. "See? He's back! Are you ABSOLUTELY SURE you can't do anything?"
Click to expand...

Chapter 9 of Elemental Genesis, which has some funny moments.

The-Hyphenated-One · Sep 5, 2006

here are some interesting quotes

-Assassins do it from behind.

-Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.

-Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his students?
A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

-I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.

That Wench · Sep 5, 2006

I can't remeber which story I got this quote from...but I found it funny at the time.

(sirius) "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! JAMES! I'm dying! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

(james) "Huh?!"

(sirius) "I'm bleeding to death!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

(james) "Sirius, that;s not blood. it's ketchup you silly fucker."

The-Hyphenated-One · Sep 5, 2006

heres a quote from The Sorcerors Stone Uncut by Spymaster E

“I should have known you’d be here, Professor McDonalds,” he said.

Prof. McDonalds stood up. “Good evening, Professor Dumbledork,” she said. “How did you know it was me?”

“Ronalda, you forgot to change into a cat.” Dumbledork pointed out.

“Oh.” Prof. McDonalds looked down in embarrassment. “Damn.”

i thought this was actually pretty funny

sirius009 · Sep 6, 2006

Mine too!’ Voldemort said, then cleared his throat. ‘I especially enjoy the chapter on the changing enchantments and hidden rooms.’

‘Chapter Twenty-six!’ Hermione exclaimed.

‘I have a first edition.’

‘Really?’ Hermione squeaked. ‘How in the world did you find it?’

‘Stole it from the possessions of some old lady I murdered.’
Click to expand...

murder at malfoy manor

Maybe,’ she said, ‘we ought to make a list!’

‘A list?’

Lists were one of Hermione’s favourite things. They were so useful, and she made them for every aspect of her life: books to read, homework to do, things to buy, ways to improve herself, pros and cons of kissing Ron Weasley…rhymes and reasons to put order into her day-to-day existence. Now, she thought, a list would be most beneficial. ‘Yes, sir,’ she said. ‘With some parchment and a quill, we could get this thing organised. We’ll make three categories, one for each of the deaths so far…or perhaps four, counting Mrs. Malfoy’s near-death. We’ll write down the probable causes of death, motives, opportunities...I could make a graph! And perhaps a matrix!’ Hermione became more animated as she rattled off the ways in which a list could help them solve the mystery.

Voldemort regarded her with an unreadable expression. ‘A list,’ he repeated.

Hermione nodded eagerly.

‘I think,’ said Voldemort, ‘that it was you Snape had in mind when he used to complain about his students, and how some did not know when good enough was enough.’
Click to expand...

malfoy manor

Mordac · Sep 6, 2006

You only have power over people as long as you don't take everything away from them. But, when you've robbed a man of everything, he's no longer in your power - he's free again. Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

Xiph0 · Jun 17, 2007

William Pitt the Elder said:

I invoke the genius of the Constitution.
Click to expand...

Bill Clinton said:

There is nothing wrong with America that cannot be cured by what is right with America.
Click to expand...

Charles James Haughey said:

I could instance a load of fuckers whose throats I'd cut and push over a cliff.
Click to expand...

Russ Feingold said:

We, as a Congress, have to stand up to a president who acts like the Bill of Rights and the Constitution were repealed on September 11.
Click to expand...

Russ Feingold said:

It's time to stand up - not to cheer, but to fight back.
Click to expand...

Cato said:

Wise men learn more from fools than fools from the wise.
Click to expand...

Carl von Clausewitz said:

War therefore is an act of violence to compel our opponent to fulfill our will.
Click to expand...

Carl von Clausewitz said:

All war presupposes human weakness and seeks to exploit it.
Click to expand...

Ulysses S. Grant said:

Leave the matter of religion to the family altar, the church, and the private school, supported entirely by private contributions. Keep the church and the State forever separate.
Click to expand...

Isoroku Yamamoto said:

I would never invade the United States, there would be a gun behind every blade of grass.
Click to expand...

George Washington said:

Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable; procures success to the weak, and esteem to all.
Click to expand...

George Washington said:

Let us therefore animate and encourage each other, and show the whole world that a Freeman, contending for liberty on his own ground, is superior to any slavish mercenary on earth.
Click to expand...

William Wallace said:

We come here with no peaceful intent, but ready for battle, determined to avenge our wrongs and set our country free.
Click to expand...

Stephan from "Braveheart" said:

In order to find his equal, an Irishman is forced to converse with the Almighty.
Click to expand...

A few of the ones I like.

Vegemeister · Jun 20, 2007

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.
- Stephen Leacock

"Reports of my death were an exaggeration."
- Mark Twain.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

You're depraved, cold, and rotten to the core... I've come to admire that in a person.

Jesus is coming...hide the porn!

I only got 5 words for God. You'll never take me alive" - Profile of sephiroth's sword.

"Welcome to the internet, where men are men, women are men and the children are the FBI." -Mizua

Instead, he would take this lemon the Fate thrown him and make a lemonade the kind of which his backstabbers had never seen before. - Yin and Yang

There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, jury, and ammo. Please use in that order.
- Ed Howdershelt

"I'll tell you one thing that makes my blood boil - crematoriums."
- Tim Vine

"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd."
"To hold a pen is to be at war."
"It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue."
- Voltaire

"Now is no time to be making enemies."
- Voltaire (When asked on his deathbed to denounce the devil.)

"I think I had an evilgasm." -Order of the Stick

"It's as true today as when I started adventuring: "When in doubt, set something on fire." - Belkar, Order of the Stick

Remember, pillage first - THEN burn.

The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. They don't alter their views to fit the facts. They alter the facts to fit their views. Which can be uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.

Harry chuckled and shook his head. “I wouldn’t dream of it. It’s just from what I’ve heard so far, you folks are one well placed orchestral march away from being declared the evilest evil empire of them all.”
-Browncoat, Green Eyes

"I’ll do the talking, Dumbledore. It seems to me like every time you open your mouth, such magnificent drivel as has never been seen before spouts out of it." -A Slytherin Revenge by Stained-Future

“But I see it, sir. Numbers drive me mad every evening, night and morning,” she hesitantly began, “They eat my brain every hour during Algebra— and Algebra can be very aggressive, you see. It’s quite like my mind blindly falls into a pool of a generating world of fantastic equations— although rather empty sometimes— in random occasions they’re terribly hideous, and with a chalk in my hand I enjoy beating it mercilessly until it becomes a simple line, its raw solution, quite like exorcising its demons and regurgitating a saint,” continued Alice, “It’s somewhat similar, won’t you agree? That my world is much like this one.”

"...this is a civilized discussion, no need to set your caps to Jihad."

Nemo me impune lacessit. - No one provokes me with impunity.

(in relation to the reclassificaion of Pluto)
In fact, here's a little something to help everyone remember the change:
Many Venerable Elderly Mnemonics Just Shifted Unto Nothingness

There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with "or die." -Alistair J.R. Young
Click to expand...

Woah, pulling the better stuff out of my Quotes.txt ened up being more than I thought.

World · Jun 20, 2007

“I can’t believe Dumbledore let a Death Eater into Hogwarts! Good Lord, I thought he was intelligent! I’m going to kick his ass from here to Constantinople!”

“I don’t think that’s possible,” Remus said lightly. “It’s called Istanbul, now.”
Click to expand...

For some reason, this made me laugh out loud.

Robo Jesus · Jul 2, 2007

My quote file (text), posted as an attachment in a rar.

thisperson · Jul 3, 2007

I particularly enjoy:

"The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources"

"The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift."

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

All gotten from here

Decibels · Jul 8, 2007

“Hermione?” Harry broke in Hermione’s musings. She blinked and looked up, frowning as she identified the speaker. “Could you do me a favour?”

“What is it?” Hermione asked cautiously.

“Could you close that book and sit there silently?” Harry asked in a semi-polite tone, his usual biting tongue seeming to have swallowed along with roast pork he had had for dinner.

“No,” Hermione exclaimed and looked at Harry with disgust and annoyance. She glared at him and ducked her head back into the massive tome on her lap. Almost immediately, she was muttering again, frowning in concentration as she ran her finger over another line.

“Hermione?” Harry asked sweetly. Hermione gave an impatient sigh and broke away from her book, looking particularly bothered as she glared at him.

“What?” She snapped. Harry’s smile disappeared and he stared at her coldly with glinting emerald eyes.

“Shut the fuck up,” He said softly, but dangerously. Hermione gaped at him, flinching at his language, while Harry settled back down in his seat and stared at the fire again.

“Excuse me?” Hermione said in disbelief, her eyes wide.

“Your voice is grating on my brain like a lawnmower grates up human flesh,” Harry says slowly. “So, shut the fuck up.”

Hermione’s nostrils flared and she snapped her book shut, looking angry and determined. She stood up, shrugging off Ron and walked forward to before Harry.

“Can I help you?” Harry asked lazily and gave Hermione a cocky smile through half-lidded eyes.

“No, you can’t help me,” Hermione said loudly, breathing deeply as she stared at him resolutely. “Do you know what your problem is, Harry Potter?”

“I have lice,” Harry replied. “It doesn’t matter what I do, the little bastards keeping coming back. I’m thinking of nuking my hair, just to get rid of them once and for all, but I’m a little worried. I don’t want a Chernobyl situation running down my ears.”

“There,” Hermione spat out loudly and the common room quietened, students looking up to watch the spectacle. “That’s it right there. You always have an answer for everything, some stupid smart-aleck line to say.”

“What can I say?” Harry said lazily and shrugged, feeling quite amused. “Nobody’s perfect, except me. Don’t worry; you’ll eventually have an answer for everything as well. Trust me; the meaning of life will be a real kick in the balls for you. You won’t be expecting it.”

“There you go again,” Hermione cried out and stamped her foot on the ground. “You just don’t get it, Potter, do you? You’re not funny! Nobody thinks you’re a rebel, or that you’re cool. You’re just a pathetic bully who laughs at his own bad jokes!”

“You really think that?” Harry asked softly and Hermione nodded.

‘I laugh at your jokes, beloved,’ Meciel said. ‘That must count for something.’

“Ah, you’re wrong,” Harry said and dismissed Hermione with a wave of his hand. “My invisible friend just told me that she laughs at my jokes. That makes two, at least.”

“You just don’t get it, do you?” Hermione said and gave a short bark of laughter. “Everybody around here is too afraid of you to tell you what they really think of you, but I’m not. You, Harry Potter, are nothing more than a big bully who thinks it’s funny to belittle other people. You have no respect for anything or anyone. You treat everybody like garbage, even the people who are nice to you, and you strut around like you own the place. If you keep this up, Harry, then you’ll never have any friends and your life will lonely and miserable!”

Harry cocked an eyebrow as Hermione stopped to take a breath, an amused smile on his face.

“Care to tell me something I don’t know?” He asked in amusement.

“Oh, I will,” Hermione said, breathing deeply as she jabbed a finger in his direction. “Everybody else may fear you or hate you, but I don’t because I know why you act this way. I bet you had a horrible childhood. Maybe you were bullied, or maybe you were abused, or maybe everybody just ignored you, and now you always have to be the centre of attention. The others might see a big bad rebel but all I see is a tiny little boy crying out for attention he’s always wanted.”

Harry’s face had grown darker as Hermione had continued and by the end, he looked positively murderous. His eyes were glinting coldly and Hermione flinched as she stared into them. For a second it almost looked like they were on fire and something ancient and powerful flashed back at her, but then they cleared up. Hermione blinked in surprise as Harry changed from murderous to contemplative in an instant.

“My God,” Harry said softly and stood up, staring at Hermione with sad eyes. “You’re right. You’re totally right. Can you…Can you excuse me while I…go find religion, give up drinking, start smoking so I can give it up and renounce my cruel and evil ways and behaviours?”

Hermione shook her head in disgust while a few of the watching students, including Ron, smiled in amusement.

“What gives you the right to be such an arrogant…bastard?” She snapped after finding a suitable word. “What makes you think that you’re better than any of us?”

“Maybe because…” Harry started and gestured to himself with his hands. “Maybe because I defeated the Dark Lord Voldemort as a baby? Is that good enough for you? Remember the muggleborn hating git with the glowing eyes and the green light of doom?

“That was thirteen years ago!” Hermione scoffed. “And you were only a baby!”

“Yeah,” agreed Harry, a superior smile on his face. “And if I hadn’t, you wouldn’t be here.”

Hermione frowned and Harry sighed, rolling his eyes.

“Let me elaborate it for you so you can understand me,” Harry said slowly. “Voldemort win, muggleborn no do magic because muggleborn be dead.”

“I know that!” Hermione snapped, but Harry had snapped his fingers as a thought struck him.

“You know, in a way, you owe me,” He said slyly.

“What?” Hermione snapped, her eyes looking as if they would bulge from their sockets. “I do not!”

“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be able to do magic anymore,” Harry concluded.

Hermione seemed to have been struck speechless as she gaped at him, her eyes wide with shock. Her fingers were twitching as if she wanted to grab her wand and hex him at that very moment, but a flash of Harry’s murderous eyes was enough to make her stay her hand.

Harry gave her an arrogant grin as he yawned, stretching his arms with a lazy expression on his face.

“Don’t worry about shutting up,” He said, still grinning. “I see you’re incapable of keeping your mouth shut. I’ll just go to my bed and get an early start. After all, it’s Christmas tomorrow and I’m sure you need to prepare my present. You know, because you owe me and all.”
Click to expand...

this is from The Denarian Renegade by Shezza88, i thought it was rather amusing, and rather original as its not often that you see a sarcastic harry with a fallen angel in his head after all.

Dain Bread · Jul 8, 2007

"If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?"
- Charles Pierce

"For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program."
-???

" Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. "
-God's Original Manuscript

"No one is a virgin, the world screws us all"
-???

"Be careful whose toes you step on today because they might be connected to the foot that kicks your ass tomorrow"- My uncle

"If you’re one in a million, there are six thousand people exactly like you."
-Logic

"There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."
Pauly Shore

"Shh...I'm listening to reason." Pee-Wee Herman

Klael · Jul 8, 2007

"I hear voices in my head, but they speak in Spanish. I have no idea what they're saying. I wish one of them would get a job."

-Daniel Tosh

The-Hyphenated-One · Jul 8, 2007

Classic.....

"Fucking Chuck Norris"

-Ben Stiller, Dodgeball.

The-Hyphenated-One · Jul 13, 2007

I am assuming double posting is o.k here, if not you have my sincere condolences.

"I've had enough of these motha fucking snakes on this motha fucking plane!"

-Snakes on a Plane or Epic Movie
-Samual L. Jackson or the guy in Epic Movie

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Cool quotes

Leibhaftige Finsternis First Year

Dubrichius Groundskeeper

BloodLust Banned

Mercenary Snake Eater

KeshinNoAkui Seventh Year

The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

That Wench Skittles Addict

The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

sirius009 Minister of Magic

Mordac Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

Xiph0 Yoda Admin

Vegemeister Seventh Year

World Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Robo Jesus High Inquisitor

Attached Files:

quote file.zip

thisperson Denarii Host DLP Supporter

Decibels Squib

Dain Bread Second Year

Klael Headmaster DLP Supporter

The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

Political Jokes & Quotes

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Cool quotes

Leibhaftige Finsternis First Year

Dubrichius Groundskeeper

BloodLust Banned

Mercenary Snake Eater

KeshinNoAkui Seventh Year

The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

That Wench Skittles Addict

The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

sirius009 Minister of Magic

Mordac Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

Xiph0 Yoda Admin

Vegemeister Seventh Year

World Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Robo Jesus High Inquisitor

Attached Files:

quote file.zip

thisperson Denarii Host DLP Supporter

Decibels Squib

Dain Bread Second Year

Klael Headmaster DLP Supporter

The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

The-Hyphenated-One Chief Warlock DLP Supporter

Political Jokes & Quotes

Useful Searches