"ubi solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant" - where they have made a desert, they call it peace. Tacitus, the most twisty historian of that most Slytherin race, the Romans.

"Don't worry lads, they couldn't hit an elephant at this dist-" US general at Battle of Spotsylvania.

"For pure, vacillating stupidity, for superb incompetence to command, for ignorance combined with bad judgment, in short, for the true talent for catastrophe, Elphinstone / Albus Dumbledore stood head and shoulders above them all." The original line is G.M.Fraser on the Brit commander in the First Afghan War, modified in an essay on Dumbledore as war leader. Both authors concluded that their subject (would have) made a rather good Headmaster.

"A modest man, with much to be modest about" Churchill, on Clement Attlee.

"Professor! Harry's invading France!" Hermione, in a teaser from Jeconais for his next fic.

 

From Syndicate Wars:

 

Well, hello, dirtbags.

 

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean there's not an invisible demon about to eat your face" Harry Dresden

 

“Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell.”

"Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

"It can't happen here" is number 1 on the list of famous last words.

“To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and whatever you hit, call it the target.”

Never tell people how to do things: Tell them what to do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity.

If your doctor doesn't have candy, they must be imposters! Vampires! Yes, all doctor offices without candy are really just disguises for vampires to steal blood.

What does not learn does not change. What does not change does not live.What does not live does not die.

Duct Tape is like the Force. It has a Light Side. A Dark Side.And it holds things together.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you

My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes.(Harry should learn that one.)

It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?

This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.

 

"This won't be a fight. This is going to be a slaughter."

 

"Profanity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers."

Ultimately, most problems can be solved by applying a large brick to the correct skull. Difficulties arise when you do not have a brick, or cannot find the correct skull. The devil is in the details....

You sound reasonable ... time to up my medication.

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

It was blasphemous, it was sacrilegious, and it was a little bit too much fun.

"We're Americans. Do you know what that means? Our forefathers got kicked out of every decent country in Europe."

"In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which happen from time to time." -- Edward P. Tryon

Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.

While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.

"The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia is thinking that they're conspiring." -- J. Kegler

"Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed." -- G.K. Chesterton

"A child becomes an adult when he realizes that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong." - Thomas Szasz

I was actually slightly taken aback. I'm not used to receiving offers of sex from people whose names I haven't even learned yet.
At least not at the kinds of parties where people wear their clothes.

"The key is to commit crimes so confusing that police feel too stupid to even write a crime report about them." -- R. K. Milholland

"Please don't lie to me, unless you're absolutely sure I'll never find out the truth." -- Ashleigh Brilliant

"Sex is a beautiful thing shared between 2 people. Between 5 its fantastic." -- Woody Allen

"It's nice to be loved, but there's a lot to be said for CRINGING RESPECT!"

I can't find words to express how I feel about you. Stand by for gestures.

"IT TAKES A VIKING TO RAZE A VILLAGE."

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength; loving someone deeply gives you courage." -- Lao-Tzu

"You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you." -Eric Hoffer

Note to self; In the middle of a black op I should not stop to ask a guard to validate parking.

ST House Rule #3; Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is preemptively vetoed.

“He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting "All the Gods are bastards."” - Terry Pratchett

 

"Did I do anything wrong today, or has the world always been like this and I've been too wrapped up in myself to notice?" –Douglas Adams

Committee- a group of people who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. -Fred Allen

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?" -Brady's First Law of Problem Solving

No matter what a man's past may have been, his future is spotless. -John R. Rice

On the way back, they sang a number of tuneful and reflective songs on the subjects of peace, justice, morality, culture, sport, family life, and thobliteration of all other life forms. -Douglas Adams

If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it. -Leo C. Rosten

Question: Why does God allow evil in the world? Sri Ramakrishna: To thicken the plot. -Sri Ramakrishna

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. -Bill Watterson

Among life's perpetually charming questions is whether the truly evil do more harm than the self-righteous and wrong. -Jon Margolis

If the whole world depends on today's youth, I can't see the world lasting another 100 years. -Socrates

You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentothal.

Destiny is as destiny does. If you believe you have no control, then you have no control. -Wess Roberts

A man who is a master of patience is master of everything else. -George Savile, Marquis of Halifax

Eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart. -Bible, Ecclesiastes 9:7

 

I found this to be pretty damn funny. Taken from Invictus by opalish.



Dumbledore's eyes sparkled, and Harry suspected that the Headmaster knew exactly what was going through his mind.
"You know," Harry said blandly, "all that twinkling can't be good for your health."
He had the dubious pleasure of seeing Dumbledore startled speechless, if only for a second.
"That sort of thing makes you go blind," he added, unable to stop himself. An odd strangled noise emerged from Draco's lips. Kingsley actually grinned, his teeth shockingly white against his brown skin.
Dumbledore...blushed.
"I don't understand," said one of the portraits - Armando Dippet was the inscription on the frame - in bewilderment.
"I'll explain when you're older," another portrait, Phineas Nigellus, drawled.
"I think," Kingsley said, his tone rich with laughter, "we should be leaving."
"Yes," Dumbledore agreed a little too quickly, still rather red-faced. "Perhaps you should."
Harry couldn't help it, he really couldn't. "You mean you aren't going to give me The Talk?" he asked, blinking. "But you've just adopted me, right? It's your job to tell me about that sort of thing."
Draco wheezed and Kingsley closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. A little voice in the back of Harry's mind crowed in victory - he'd actually managed to ruffle the supposedly imperturbable auror!
Dumbledore, however, had gotten over his embarrassment, and now had a rather demonic light shining in his eyes.
"The Talk?" he repeated, bushy eyebrows rising. "Very well, then." Harry's eyes widened in horror and Draco blanched. "Now, there are wands, and there are holsters..."
Five minutes later, a mortified Harry vowed solemnly to never, ever, ever again bait Dumbledore. "Wands and holsters indeed," he muttered as he grabbed the portkey.

 

It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you.


I like me-Caboose

 

I thought this part from Rorschach's Blot's; Make A Wish was funny:

"Just a few numbers," Moody shrugged. "36-23-33."
"Now why would Black have taken the time to code the measurements to this month's 'Playwizard' centerfold?" Dumbledore mused aloud.
The Order froze and several members began pinching themselves nervously to check if they were in the land of dreams.
"Albus?" McGonagall.
"Um," Dumbledore chuckled nervously, "they have good articles?"

 

"A university professor set an examination question in which he asked the difference between ignorance and apathy. The professor had to give an A+ to a student who answered: 'I don't know and I don't care.'"

All men dream but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes to make it possible. --T.E. Lawrence

"Harems and their polygamous brethren are tools of the virgin fan-boy." - Shuujaku

 

If you're looking for witty quotes, I'd try here: http://www.quotationspage.com/, or more specifically, here: http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Henry_David_Thoreau/ . As boring as hell as it was to read Walden, Thoreau is really good at making sense.

Here are my favorites:

 

"Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow?

'No!' says the man in Washington, 'It belongs to the poor.'
'No!' says the man in the Vatican, 'It belongs to God.'
'No!' says the man in Moscow, 'It belongs to everyone.'"
--Andrew Ryan, Bioshock

"Sounds like big trouble. You're going to need plenty of legal advice before this thing is over. As your attorney, I advise you to rent a very fast car with no top. And you'll need the cocaine. Tape recorder for special music. Acapulco shirts. Get the hell out of L.A. for at least 48 hours."
--Dr. Gonzo, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

"I'm a relatively respectable citizen. Multiple felon perhaps, but certainly not dangerous."
--Raoul Duke, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

 

Series of ScrewUps to Destroy HG

This is so full of win that I had to post. GO HP/LL!!!

 

"It is not true that life is one damn thing after another − it is one damn thing over and over."

- Edna St. Vincent Milay

 

The First Annual Ginny Kill-Offs
by ChuckDaTruck

 

Harry Potter and the Ascension of the Dark Lord By Big D