This might overlap somewhat with the Worst Summaries thread, but I think it's potentially amusing.

The game, such as it is, is to find a random story, post the (almost certainly god-awful) summary and critique the entire story from that. No reading the actual story allowed until you've done the critique.

First, I'm confused. So Harry's older sister was the one Voldemort came to kill? And Lily stepped aside and she still survived so any sacrifice she could have made would have been completely meaningless anyway. That's a good start.

When I first saw this I assumed that Harry was the older child, surely he needs the 'my mother doesn't really love me angst'?

Oh, wait, so there's Harry and his older sister, 'Rose', but Rose is basically a fem!Harry? Am I getting that right? Also, when you say 'Harry is raised a Snape' does that mean Rose isn't?

Ahhh, I see. So 'Rose' is where the shitty angsty 'mum doesn't love me' crap will be coming from. But she's just a fem!Harry remember. Oh, fuck. 'Rose' is going to be at the Dursleys, isn't she? Of course she is. Because Greater Good, I'm thinking. Or maybe because looking after two children is literally impossible for any Potter in the wonderful world of fanfiction. Best get rid of one, eh?

Oh, and Voldemort is now Tom for reasons and I'm pretty sure isn't going to look like a hideously deformed snake-man.

Oh good, Good Guy Snape offers succour (and the D, of course), to the widow grieving for the husband that he, in a very real sense, killed just so he could could stick it into the ginger hotness. It's good that Lily saw him for the tortured but ultimately angelic figure he clearly is. And it's just so precious that Harry gets to drop the surname of his birth father, the one who died to protect him, and instead adopt the name of the guy who got his father killed in the first place. So touching.

Excuse me. I need to go and wank over Snape's noble and self-sacrificing nature. While I do that, he's another summary:

Now this looks more interesting. I'm assuming that this is actually an unmarked crossover and Kathryn Pink is actually the daughter of Mr Pink (Who objected to being called Mr Pink because that was his actual name, psyche!).

So poor Kathryn was had to grow up with a largely absent father, and a destitute drunk of a mother who has grown to hate the man who lowered her to this and treats Kathryn like shit because she looks like her father. Poor kid has those weird Buscemi Bobble Eyes.

But her life takes a turn! Into it steps... probably McGonagall who tells her something amazing. She's a witch!

She meets Harry, Hermione and Ron and learns that being different isn't so bad. She might have a weird and fucked up face thanks to her father, but Harry has this little scar over his right eye, Hermione looks like a beaver in drag and Ron looks like someone managed to make a Pimple Golem and topped their grand creation off with a dead foxcub. She's found her people at last!

Over her years at school she stands nearby as Harry, Hermione and Ron battle evil and solve mysteries, she even occasionally interjects with helpful words that sound like they should have come from one of the other children.

And she finds love. George Weasley always said he wanted nothing more from a woman than the ability to make him laugh. Thanks to her face, Kathryn has that quality in spades. It truly is a romance for the ages in the making.

 

Ok, so let me get this straight:

The summary tells us that:

- Harry is not happy.
- Harry is not loved.
- Harry is not cared for.
- He has no friends.
- He has no family.
- He has no place to call home.

That's a pretty shitty situation if you ask me.

But then the summary tells us that none of that matters because Harry actually has someone.

Tom! Which I assume means Tom Marvolo Riddle, also known as Voldemort.

But wait. The summary flat out tells us that:

- Harry has no friends.
- Harry has no family.

So Tom is not Harry's friend and not Harry's relative.

The summary also tells us:

- Harry is not loved.
- Harry is not cared for.

So Tom does not love Harry and does not care for him.

So, what purpose Tom has here? None. He has no purpose.

The summary is self-contradictory. It tells us that all of those things Harry doesn't have don't matter because he has Tom. But if Harry still doesn't have these things with Tom, then Tom doesn't matter at all.

Which makes sense given that Tom is Lord Voldemort.

 

In a world where there are no women at all, but which is nontheless a beacon of gender equality and non-heteronormative forward thinking, Harry finds himself in a love triangle.

After a heated discussion wherein Harry and Ron argue which of them should carry and anus-deliver their first child they have a falling out. It becomes clear that Ron only wants Harry for his anus and his fame, so Harry seeks support from Neville 'The Fathermother Fucking Adonis' Longbottom.

After having Neville's foot-long shoved into his butthole multiple times Harry realises his folly, for it is Neville that is his true love, not Ron. Also, Neville thinks Harry's scars are 'totally kinky'.

Can Harry cast off the shade of his first love, Severus 'The Sexy ManBeast' Snape, who was shoving his penis into Harry's butt from the first day he entered Hogwarts and who died tragically during the final battle with Voldemort?

If you don't like this story I think you should check your privilege.

 

Heh, I didn't know I wanted this thread so much

Frozen Hearts Melting by mandymld reviews
Lucius visits Death and is sent back to right some wrongs and fix his family and the Potter boy. Narcissa and he learn to trust not only one another but the outside world and find freedom in their choices. Lucius guides Harry but this isn't an adoption story, as he moves towards his destiny regarding not only Voldemort but Hermione. Rated T for now but it will be rising to M
Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 25 - Words: 149,718 - Reviews: 476 - Favs: 420 - Follows: 774 - Updated: 4h ago - Published: Oct 19, 2015 - [Lucius M., Narcissa M.] Harry P., Hermione G.


Well, let's begin with the obvious. For some reason, Death is an anthropomorphic entity that for...reasons, sends someone to make Harry's life better. Now, this already stretches the suspension of disbelief, but of all people in the whole world, it chooses Lucius Malfoy, bigot extraordinaire. Ah, he's there to 'fix' his family too, which makes you wonder what's the significance of the Malfoy family to an entity of infinite power...if you answered Lucius' fabulous hair, you're right.

And apparently, Harry is destined to be paired with Hermione. I know I know, Harry could finally tell Voldemort with real life experience backing his word that indeed, there are things worse than death. Nevermind that, it pretty much implies that the existence of a certain couple is essential for the welfare of the universe, and if they don't get together, well...a few billion years before life blossoms again and Hermione nagging at him for the rest of his infinite afterlife.

Funnily enough, the author did try not to challenge the reader's SoD further, since Lucius didn't adopt Harry, but became some sort of mentor.

...but that's strange too, since I can't imagine Dumbledore letting a former Death Eater that isn't Snape around a ten mile radius of Harry if he could help it. Oh well, I tried.

 

Oh boy. Let's take it from the start.

Cool? Apparently MoD is a Thing and not a metaphor for one who does not fear death. I can get behind that.

Ooh such an intriguing possibility. Truly, what would happen?

Gasp! What if Death was a woman? What would happen? I want to know!

Why would Death visit him? What would happen if she did?

... Oh. So that's what happens. Boy do I feel silly for getting so caught up in all those questions when their answer is right here. Apparently Harry's attitude changed (though we don't know to what) but at least there's no veil of deception over his eyes now. Which I assume is a needlessly long metaphor and not an actual veil.

Wait. Didn't he become the MoD earlier than in canon? So this is set before that? Presumably before or around Year 6?
Damn, but Death seems to be a cougar.

Far be it for me to condemn a guy in pursuit of babe-nabbing.

What I figure from this summary is that Harry is assaulted and molested inside his home from an older woman as a child and is heavily traumatized. He exhibits this trauma by his endless need to 'nab babes' and reassure himself that he is the one in control.
Daphne, Hermione and Fleur. Wildly different women with wildly different circumstances. Our Harry is a busy bee. Nothing much for the Master of Death though, surely. No doubt his Mastery over Death also makes him a smooth player. Or something.

Or maybe the girls are drawn to deeply psychologically scarred guys with a past of molestation. Who knows.

 

Bad idea: there was one story I came across in passing that had Harry's "secret of being a submissive wizard capable of becoming pregnant" revealed.

I wouldn't open that story for all the bitcoin in China.

 

Alright, let me tell you the story of a normal girl that gets to attend Hogwarts, a girl like you and me.
Wait, actually, not like you, because this is my story, so its about me. Although that would be boring, so its going to be a bettor version of me. Better means having film stars as parents and living in Hollywood and having Leonardo DiCaprio as an uncle, because he's cool and dreamy and has won an Oscar so that means he's successful.

Anyway, since I'm an American lass I should be going to an American learning institute rather than Hogwarts, but that's where the plot is, so let's go there instead. Problem is, none of these idiotic pureblooded dunces know my parents because they're Muggle film stars even though they are Wizards (Americans are progressive like that. Just don't let Glenn Beck hear you say that), and obviously I'm not going to tell them about it, because than they'd find out that my mother is actually the time-traveling child of Draco, Nymphadora Tonks and Edna Krapabble (because how else wood anyone think up the name Dymphna). So basically, they're all idiots.

Except that one guy of course. He's arrogant and snobbish, but also dreamy and I'm sure he has a chocolate filled, gooey center. If only someone could get him to show it. Obviously not me, because I hate him. For now.

Because all my housemates are racist assholes, my only friend is Hermione whom I have met and befriended in the library. We bonded over our love for learning and wanting to be the very best, like no one ever was. We're both super smart and stuff, but I'm not a know-it-all like her.

Let's hope no one finds out I'm not actually a Muggleborn, that I'm actually descended from Salazar Slytheirin's daughter and Brigstinstoke Ravenclaw and can speak Parseltongue. It would be mighty inconvenient if that came out during, say, a Dueling Club.

Oh yeah, there's Harry Potter, but he'd be nothing without me and my help, so fuck that guy.

 

Jesus damn, World!

The most painful thing about that is that such people actually exist.

 

Holy shit, I can't stop laughing.

 

The Most Depressing part of this thread is just how easy it is. Scroll down FFnet's newest Harry Potter stories and you're almost guaranteed to find one worthy of critique. Anyways:

I'll start with a relatively easy/not awful sounding one. Firstly;

The fuck did he do that without catching an Avada Kedavra? From memory, the graveyard scene wasn't exactly a walk in the park, when would he have had the time to have a vision?

So, either he's faking his own death and making a new identity, or he's just straight-out declaring himself to be Snape's son. Neither of these make any damn sense. I'm assuming it's not the latter because it's just an incredibly bad idea, and would not help anyone at all.

So Harry's faking his own death, and then posing as... the son of a Death Eater spy. Did he not think Voldemort would not think it curious that Snape didn't tell him this? And if Snape himself pretended like he didn't know about his "son," then that's still pointless, since Voldemort definitely knows it's Harry, disguise or not, even if Harry suddenly became a great actor. I can almost guarantee that this entire plot point is just to jam in some "Mentor Snape."

Also, those "new problems" seem to be:

None of those are new- literally all of those "problems" are ones he's had before.

Aaaaand it ends with some wonderful genericness, courtesy of "Summary Writing for Dummies".

 

The stories to not need to be bad, oh no! You can, if you like, choose a popular story that you have not read, and work out the entire story from its summary instead.

For example, lets take a look at the most popular HP/aSoIaF crossover:

Wat. I don't. Why? Uh, just give me a second here. I need to compose myself.

Because this fic is, clearly, beautiful in a way that few here will ever be able to really appreciate.

The war against Voldemort goes poorly, and Dumbledore is pushed to extreme measures (or, he would be if he was a decent man. As it is the only thing stopping him from twirling his moustache constantly is that it's too long and gets all tangled up). He needs more men, if he's to have any hope of defeating Voldemort. Fortunately for him, though, there's a tribe of 40,000 gay men on horses who can easily be bought with gifts of the flesh.

And Harry is just so... so... damn sexy. How could Khal Drogo resist his mascul... femi... uh, wiles?

Harry does his duty, as he always has. When Drogo comes to him on his wedding night he lies back, and he thinks of England. Drogo then turns him over, shoves his penis roughly into Harry's arse, mouth and nostrils (a tight fit). Harry's screams of pain mixed with ecstasy echo across the Great Grass Sea.

There was something there, though. When Drogo was ruining his anus for the third time, he ran one calloused hand over Harry's face. In the moment before he used that hand to pull Harry's face roughly back, to give him better leverage, Harry was sure he felt something more. Tenderness, perhaps even, dare he say it, love?

As he lay awake that night, Drogo's semen oozing from his various orifices, something beautiful started.

In time Dumbledore will come to fear the boy he sold to the Dothraki, for he has become a Queen, and a Queen with 40,000 Dothraki Screamers as his, very literal, back.

Sometimes there are no words to describe our true feelings. Sometimes mere language does not suffice. You can see why it is the most favourited story in its category.

 

Wait, why the fuck would Dumbledore need 40,000 muggle horseman, who fucking rape, pillage, burn?

Why the fuck would Khal Drogo want to marry a boy?

Why the hell didn't Harry tell Dumbledore to fuck off?

Where did the Khal come from? Why did no one in Brittain see 40,000 tan skinned nomadic tribe causing shit in Britain?

Why didn't a Death Eater kill Drogo?

Why does this fic exist and why does the author still exist?

 

I don't know what would happen, fam. How about you try telling me?

From the description, I like to imagine that each chapter is a different "what if" question on the Harry Potter series written from the perspective of a friendly drunk. "Like, what if Snape was Dumbledore's illegitimate son from the future, maaaaaan? What. If."

Snape wasn't killed. Nagini had a sleeping draught in her fangs for a nefarious reason only known to the now sadly dead and utterly confusing Lord Voldemort. But everyone's favorite Potions professor wakes up from a magical coma to find himself somehow engaged to Emma Watson by Ministry of Magic fiat. That's okay, though; he woke up as a younger, hotter Alan Rickman.

Through the trials of frantic shagging and being misunderstood by everyone when they actually fall in love, our lovely couple manages to find that a forced marriage to a spouse decades removed from your own age and experience works out surprisingly well.

Wow. Even without reading this, I am envisioning an epic the likes of which I have never seen. Just imagine:

Hagrid: "Harry, you're a butt-baby!" Harry: "I'm a what?" Hagrid: "Well, er, yer see, when two people who hate each other very much decide to shag the fury out of one 'nother ..."

 

Well, let's begin by limiting our search by favorites, for stories updated in the last month. This should give a good handle on where the ff.net zeitgeist is at.

I'm immediately confused by why, exactly, Voldemort didn't kill Lily and James. Perhaps they escaped? Perhaps, I dunno, they made some sort of pact with him to protect their son in exchange for working for him?

Well, that's shot immediately by the next sentence, wheren we learn that Harry somehow has a sister, Voldemort decided to shoot her with a death curse despite letting Lily and James live, and, somehow, our precious original Potter sibling™ survived.

Immediately, the same parents who would have died to protect their son feel that he isn't quite worth the hassle, and shunt him off to the Dursleys for...some reason. Despite being highly competent magicians, the Potter parents apparently don't actually check to ensure that their infant child makes it there, and he goes missing.

Harry, now somehow unrelated to his biological parents, will use his lightning elemental powers to break a sentient lightbulb, or perhaps a talking torch.

HOT SHAGGING, everyone! Indulge your desires to see fictional 17/18-year olds have sex with people that they absolutely despise! Be enthralled as every single character with caharacterization breaks it, and multiple minor characters somehow ensnare people they have never interacted with before! Be sure to view the steamy scenes between the nazi-analogue and the author mouthpiece!

This is probably set in HBP. I'm gonna try to figure out the plot from that.

Hermione, in tears because Harry is lusting after Ginny and Ron is attempting to sleep with a more attractive woman than her, decides that the very public great hall, after curfew, is the best place to cry about her appearance without anyone near her. Draco, on his way back from conspiring with his bigot terrorist group to murder half of the students, sees her there. Instead of mocking her, attacking her, or leaving her alone, he feels an overwhelming attraction to the girl who punched him out in 3rd year and would gladly do the same once more. Hermione, her red, glistening, vulnerable eyes alighting on her golden-haired savior, immediately loses all characterization from the previous five books. When he decides to take advantage of her confused and vulnerable state, the 15 year old author mistakes coerced sex for true love. They live happily ever after, especially after Harry and Snape decide to conceive a child together.

 

For extra challenge, I'm going with the Google translated version of a Spanish summary.

Okay... Where the hell do I start.

So James and Lily get stuck working together on a project together, that sounds reasonable. Some romantic tension starts being introduced, and then...

So some random OC named Nick gets introduced? Watch out James, you have random OC competition!

Clearly the first sentence means that Sirius and Snape also have unresolved romantic tension. Then Sirius, in the cranky part of a tsundere mood takes things a bit too far, and sends Snape off to meet Remus at the wrong time of the month. My alternate interpretation of this is that it's actually an mpreg fic, and that Sirius has gotten pregnant with Snape's lovechild, and now they are forced to debate whether he should get an abortion. Sorry Snape, but Sirius was joking when he said he was on the pill.

Wat.

So Wormtail and some Weasley relative end up stuck in a broom closet together?

If this is version 2.0, I don't even want to imagine what version 1.0 was like.