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Oneshot Dark Lord's equal by Carrow Alecto - T

Discussion in 'Almost Recommended' started by haphnepls, Jan 9, 2020.

  1. haphnepls

    haphnepls Muggle

    Mar 26, 2019
    Title: Dark Lord's equal
    Author: Carrow Alecto
    Rating: T
    Genre: Drama
    Status: Complete
    Library Category:
    Summary: One-shot. Non-epilogue compliant. After 10 year abroad, Harry returns in Britain because he cannot avoid his home any more, not as boy-who-lived, but as a Dark Lord's equal. Just random idea.
    Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/13441158/1/Dark-Lords-equal

    Give it a shot
    As a lover of one-shots I mostly read them and just the other day I stumbled upon this. I found it because I'm following authors' other work.

    Now, why have I posted it here?
    Because it's short, entertaining read that many may have missed and I would also like to know what you guys think about it.

    It is written in this strange, newspaper format that I liked and found it quite original. As the title suggest it follows years after Voldemort's demise in Britain and how Harry copes with the note that wizarding world hasn't changed at all. Writing is okay, with only few mistakes that I managed to find and as I said before newspaper format really caught my attention so I wanted to share it here because in my humble opinion it deserves some more attention. I hope this is enough input from me and that you too will find this read as a good one.
    I would give it 4/5 and not 5/5 just because I believe there is always room for improvement.
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2020
  2. Zombie

    Zombie Lo-fi Snake Jazz Moderator DLP Supporter

    Apr 28, 2007
    You need to tell us more about it. Why do you like it, why should anyone else here read this. Read the rules of posting in the Review Board Forums.

    Just because this is Almost Rec. doesn't excuse anyone from not making atleast some kind of effort.

    If you need quick access to the rules, check my signature.
  3. Silirt

    Silirt Order Member DLP Supporter

    Sep 19, 2018
    I can't say anything good about characters behaving in character, technical skills, or entertainment value. The story is mercifully short, so I suppose it's proceeding efficiently, but I'm otherwise baffled that it has a positive amount of favorites and nice reviews. I'm not sure what anyone likes about it. Thank you for submitting it for review, but I'm going to guess that the story won't make it into the library.
    Eclectic comments:
    We're doing the period-quotation mark-capital letter starting the dialogue tag thing, it seems. I'm told it should be comma-quotation mark-lowercase starting the dialogue tag.
    By the total absence of articles, it seems English isn't the author's first language; we'll leave it at that.
    Harry's out of character; can't tell why the ghost of Tom Riddle is talking to him unless he's seeing things.
    The 'yeet a bunch of headlines at us' approach is unconventional; I'll give you that. The headlines, however, don't really paint a clear picture of why these developments took place and seem disjointed. One doesn't lead to the next.
    'we were able to create 5-years plan' - okay, now I'm almost certain you're Chinese.
    The dialogue is not that bad for the standard you've already set for yourself.
    Oh, more headlines. Holy shit this island just can't seem to get it together.
    Who the fuck is even in charge at this point? They're getting rid of the magical creatures and fighting with the goblins, but the old dark families have lost their titles and they're suffering with everyone else.
    Oh, it's Umbridge types; that makes sense, actually. Hermione's and Hagrid's dialogue are out of character.
    Why is he sitting on a throne? Isn't he supposed to be teaching Defense?
    Oh, so he's going to be the new Dark Lord and he's made Death Eaters of all four Houses; good for him, refusing the stereotypes like that. I guess the plan is to seize power from the elected government and institute a monarchy, but I suppose there's time to party and catch up before that.
    Thanks for telling us in the author's note that you fixed a few minor mistakes; I'm sure the story would have been illegible before that.