Original Concept: 2/5
Characters: 2/5
Plot: 1/5
Pacing: 1/5
Setting & Atmosphere: 3/5
Grammar & Mechanics: 2/5

This story feels unfinished. Harry visiting Dumbledore’s office during fourth year is a fine starting point for this story, if a bit obvious a choice. When they take off for the bar though, that’s where you expect the story to really get rolling. Instead they turn around right away and that’s it.

I’ve set myself the task of close reading the first 2 pages of each entry in Docs so I can mark errors and such. For this story, there wasn’t a paragraph that I couldn’t find anything to improve upon for. There were issues with punctuation throughout, and this bled into sentence/paragraph structure too. There were a couple of spelling errors too. Overall, it didn’t quite read idiomatic.

For all that, I did get pulled into Harry Potter mode. There’s not too much description of Hogwarts. Instead, the author relies on our established headcanon of what everything looks like, and that works just fine for me. Obviously it’s not overly impressive either though.

Pacing and plot here are weird, because there’s really only setup followed by the end. It doesn’t make for good storytelling IMO.

Dumbledore is of course hard to get right. I’m still going to say this was not a version of him I liked. Him calling Harry ‘lad’ and Parvati by her first name feels off, nevermind the premise of the story. Harry’s reactions throughout were alright. I disagree with Halt on this. I can sort of see canon!Harry act like this Harry. It’s not like his other adventures so far where people get hurt/die if he doesn’t do the adventure thing. There’s not much depth to either character though.

Overall, this story as it sits is about a 2/5. There’s so much room for fleshing out the characters and having things happen that wasn’t used. The word count is <2000 words right now. I think this would have been better if the author had chosen to take advantage of the higher word cap.

Final score: 11/30

 

This is just... bland. There was nothing particularly interested, amusing, or even surprising about Dumbledore's actions, considering the build up.
I'm not good at spotting grammar mistakes in English, so there's not much I can comment on that front, but the writing did seem quite standard.
Perhaps it was wrong to make this from a first person view point. That seems to contribute to the lack of humor in the entire interaction.
This is simply a bit too forgettable.


Original Concept: 2/5
Characters: 1/5
Plot: 2/5
Pacing: 1/5
Setting & Atmosphere: 2/5
Grammar & Mechanics: 3/5

Final score: 11/30

 

Missed its mark. You took the premise at its most surface level, which isn't in itself a bad thing, but the humour didn't land. It's not the kind of humour that's wrong, it's just not all that funny. Then it tries to end on a sad note, which just didn't fit at all. The story could use some work on a technical level, too: I spotted loads of grammar issues both small and larger.

Original Concept - 3/5
Characters - 2/5
Plot - 2/5
Pacing - 3/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 1/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 1/5

Final score: 12/30

 

This is thoroughly unambitious. Reads like it was hastily thrown together in an hour with no planning of any kind and submitted just before the deadline. DLP doesn't hand out "If you try, you're a winner too!" participation trophies. Frankly, this was just embarrassing. Something I'd expect to find on FFN.

Original Concept: 1/5

I'm grading this by DLP standards, which should be high. Albus got drunk, took Harry to a titty bar... Probably the least original interpretation possible for the prompt given.

Characters: 1/5

This is too short to support any kind of character. I guess you could say nothing here was egregiously OOC so I could just slot the canon in, but even that isn't true, because Dumbledore taking Harry to a strip club is out of character and this entry has done nothing to ground this premise outside of using the prompt. The barest minimum to qualify for being featured in the competition, nothing more.

Plot: 1/5

Come on. Albus is drunk, takes Harry to a strip club, but they don't even go inside. What plot?

Pacing: 2/5

I guess this piece has some things in it that happen in a sequence and at least it went by quickly enough that I wasn't annoyed on top of being disappointed. On the other hand, no time was given to any story beat to let it develop. Everything was just chop-chop-chop, sentence to sentence, rather jarring. No flow.

Setting & Atmosphere: 1/5

Setting is canon. Nothing here that would suggest otherwise. Atmosphere is something you build with good prose and word choice... Meh.

Grammar & Mechanics: 2/5

I guarantee this was spat out and submitted without any editing. Issues with punctuation and sentence structure throughout. I won't give the lowest possible score because it's readable and clear enough, but no more than that.

Total score: 8/30

 

Original Concept: 2
Characters: 1
Plot: 1
Pacing: 2
Setting & Atmosphere: 2
Grammar & Mechanics: 2
(10/30)

First few paragraphs gave a hint of maybe something interesting, but the story fell kind of flat. Didn't like the random 'Mione thrown in there (which I suspect is probably just to troll people). Dumbledore is way OOC, even if drunk. Tease of the "Tantalizing Witch" could maybe have been interesting for a 14 year old, but nothing came of it (and that would probably be a way better reason as to why Dumbledore doesn't drink anymore). Honestly felt like the story was written on the day entries were due, so it's scored as such.

 

Dumbledore thinks Harry's behaviour is abysmal? I'm not sure if this is supposed to be an AU, if I have different social standards to the writer, or if I'm mis-remembering canon; I'm not saying Harry was date of the year, but he was just a little clueless, wasn't he? Parvati ditches him after one dance.

A little nitpicky, perhaps, but it rather undermined the whole premise, as I couldn't see why Dumbledore was shocked enough by Harry's actions to conclude that booze and strippers were what he needed. It's the mention of James or Sirius approving that really kills it though, as it highlights the fact that if this had been Harry and Sirius rather than Dumbledore, it would have worked (at the basic premise level, at least). Then there's the fact that nothing really happens. I felt like this was thrown together in a bit of a panic, but I don't think it's unsalvageable.

On a technical level, I spotted some spelling/grammar errors, and the writing is average - again, not unsalvageable, but easily the weakest entry on that basis.

However, we're not just marking this on its merits as a piece of writing, but as a response to a prompt, and in fairness this is probably the entry that most closely cleaves to that prompt, which I'll give credit for.

Original Concept - 2/5
Characters - 1/5
Plot - 3/5 (credit given for adherence to the prompt)
Pacing - 2/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 1/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 2/5

11/30

 

Original Concept: 1/5

Nothing about the concept of the story jumped out and grabbed me by the jolly bits - very run-of-the-mill stuff here. A jaunt to the strip club could have manifested into something worth reading, but the fun ends even before it has the chance to grow a few curly bits.

Characters: 2/5

Strength of characterization tends to be a big factor in whether or not I'll enjoy a story, and this one missed the mark widely on that score. As something of DLP's resident Dumbledore-voice expert, there's little here that hits the right notes for me - the author slathers on a few token stock phrases and mannerisms that are hallmarks of the Headmaster, but without much substance to hold them up, everything falls rather flat in the end. I do concede that Dumbledore is perhaps the most difficult character for writers to nail, so nothing here to be ashamed of. Harry is also decidedly off, and as this story appears to be canon-compliant, it detracts from the quality of characterization in the end.

Plot: 1/5

The plot starts off at trot, but then slumps breathlessly well before the finish line. I'm not sure if time constraints or a lack of ideas hampered the advancement of the plot beyond the initial premise of drunken-Dumbledore takes tries to take Harry to a strip club, but the ending was rather abrupt and rather disappointing, I should add.

Pacing: 1/5

The storytelling moves at a brisk pace, and though there's something to be said for brevity, this hurts rather than aids the story.

Setting & Atmosphere: 2/5

Not much to see here. Immersion is hard to do in 1st-person pov, even in the hands of more experienced writers, and with a max-word limit no less. It's a bit of a subjective ruling here, but within reason, as a reader, I much prefer writing that paints with words than ones that leave the reader to fill in most of the blanks, and there isn't really much to see here beyond bare-bones storytelling.

Grammar & Mechanics: 3/5

For what it's worth the writing is far from unreadable, with few grammatical errors. I'm going to go out on a limb and say the author is still fairly new at this craft, there's a clear absence of an identity or flourish that is indicative of someone who's found their feet well enough to begin having a distinctive style. Not bad, as far as efforts go, but there's definitely room for improvement. Stick with it, OP! You'll get better as time goes on.

Overall Score: 10/30

 

I'll have to echo the general mood on this one. It just felt...disappointing, I'd say. The beginning was good enough, the set up of how Harry talked about Dumbledore was solid and the older Harry voice was rather well done. However, once the younger Harry took over, it's when the story started to lose me. Young Harry didn't feel at all like Harry, which isn't necessarily a bad thing as many of the good HP fanfics have Harry sounding nothing like his canon self. The problem was that Harry was replaced with a boring, bland "why I would never" kinda character.

What could have worked would be Harry saying that he did say these things, that he was appalled at what Dumbledore offered, in order to sound responsible but in the flashback we see him doing the opposite. Or as other said, have them do something there rather than just turn back.

Drunk Dumbledore wasn't as entertaining as he should be and the one shot felt more sad than funny, which is fair enough but I honestly don't think you've aimed for sad.

So yeah, good effort but it didn't really do it for me.

Original Concept - 1/5
Characters - 1/5
Plot - 2/5
Pacing - 2/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 2/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 2/5

10/30

 

Original Concept: 3/5 - It's mildly original, there are a few intriguing little bits in here.
Characters: 2/5 - the characters don't feel right.
Plot: 1/5 - the plot doesn't really exist.
Pacing: 2/5 - The pacing was running and then hit a brick wall.
Setting & Atmosphere: 3/5 - Pure average to me.
Grammar & Mechanics: 3/5 - A lot of little technical issues, but not horrible ones.

This unfortunately felt much like a big tease. The setup was good enough, getting me interested in the concept and wanting to see where it was going. But the conversation felt a bit off, more than just due to the intoxication, and there were some odd turns of phrases that didn't work for me.

I can accept some OOC business if it leads somewhere interesting, but it didn't hit the humor mark for me. Or the "What was the point?" mark either. Ultimately it's not funny enough for me to excuse the lack of point.

Score: 14/30

 

Original Concept 4/5

I like the idea that Dumbledore sees Harry's fuck-up, and decides to rectify the future problems. Whilst it isn't sensible, the idea that Dumbledore is trying to do well, even through an eccentric method, is something I don't tend to see frequently. I would've preferred to see this expanded on though. I dislike the framing device of an article, because it doesn't add anything - it just makes me think Harry's a bit dim: "I don't mean to disparage his reputation, but my old teacher got blackout drunk and tried to take me to a strip-club, then a gay bar".

Characters 1/5

We see no decision making going on. Dumbledore (who acts nothing like in canon) had a stroke of genius, and pulled this on Harry with no warning. Harry stammers and stutters his way through, which is fair enough, I guess, but there's little to nothing that makes me think these characters are linked with their canon counterparts. This could just as easily be Ron and Dumbledore, or Rick and Morty.

Plot 2/5

Simple, and not something I've seen before... And then it stops and goes back on itself. Nothing happens.
You could have had them go in, and finish up with a hungover Harry waking in a hotel room with strippers and fairy dust, which would have shown at least the story happened.
But you had a beginning, middle and end, so it's not the worst I've seen.

Pacing 1/5

Dumbledore starts from "Let's go to a strip club". In less than three paragraphs he goes through "I'll do whatever the fuck I want", to "you're gay, fine!", to "urgh, let's go home".
There's no real set-up, other than Harry's thoughts in the short walk to the office. He then spends about ten lines drinking, then twenty lines at the bar, then goes home. It all feels a bit rushed.

Setting & Atmosphere 3/5

The idea of the neon sign is about the stand-out thing. The rest is all a bit meh.

Grammar & Mechanics 2/5

New speakers need new lines.
Try not to repeat words too soon.
There were other issues, but mostly minor things - Harry's phrasing didn't always seem to work and so on.

Total score out of 30 13

 

Edit:
I went back to read the rules of reviewing the stories, and found this:

I suck at writing reviews English, it doesn't come to me naturally
So i'm deleting my review.

 

Original Concept: 3
Characters: 3
Plot: 1
Pacing: 3
Setting & Atmosphere: 1
Grammar & Mechanics: 1

Your concept is fine. The prompt is vague enough that you can do as much or as little as you want with it. However the main problem here is that you don't do anything with it, the story ends before it picks up. This could have been fine but with your narrative framing you created a situation where the reader is expecting a certain type of story that will convey a certain amount of information. In this case a humorous story about how much of a bad drunk Albus is. Unfortunately your writing style doesn't fit humour and the story is too short to show us anything that could realisticly cause Albus to never drink again.

In regards to the other categories, there isn't much of a setting to speak of and the text is riddled with spelling and grammar issues that word would have picked out.

A little more effort could have made this a decent read.

Total: 12/30

 

I could see that the story would be ending soon and I was wondering how you would put everything that might happen in a strip club in those few paragraphs. The answer being "you didn't" was quite a letdown. I'm guessing the deadline rushed up (as they always do) and you had to wrap up before anything good could happen.
In a way, Harry tries to tell the story of how Albus wasn't a stick in the mud, just to show himself being a stick in the mud.


Original Concept - 2/5
Characters - 2/5
Plot - 1/5
Pacing - 1/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 1/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 3/5

10/30

 

Original Concept - 1/5

First check: How does this answer the prompt? Poorly. The answer is Dumbledore takes Harry to a strip club. It's unambitious, and the execution is not nearly creative enough to compensate. It's a somewhat unsatisfactory reason as well.
Second check: What about the broader idea behind the entry? N/A. The fic does not have much of a scope beyond answering the prompt, although I guess Dumbledore lamenting Harry's terrible skills with women is an added bit but it fell flat. Doesn't make much sense for Dumbledore of all people to be doing it - even if drunk - but so be it. Getting ahead of ourselves there, though.

Elaboration: Albus goes/takes Harry on an inappropriate adventure is the most obvious answer to the prompt, but that's salvageable if it's done really well or has a twist on it. Neither of those happen. I guess Albus aborting the adventure counts, but that actually makes it worse. Balls up and pull the trigger next time. If that's the concept you're going for, commit to it. Buy Harry a hooker or something.

Characters - 2/5

First check: Do the characters sound/act like their canon counterparts? Dumbledore is a hell no. Even for a drunk Dumbledore. Harry is eh. Voice isn't right.
Second check: If no, does it matter (ex: Is it AU? Is it bending to a genre? Is there aging up or whatever at play?). Drunk!Albus qualifies, but it's not an accurate representation of Drunk!Albus to me.
Third check: Is the characterization good? Not really. Even for a one-shot it's bland.

Elaboration: So yeah, like I said, Dumbledore doesn't make much sense nor is there anything going on to make him make sense. Drunk or not, this is a wildly out of character thing for Albus to do. If he's going to give Harry relationship advice, it's not going to be "let's make a man out of you". It'll be vague advice. If he's drunk it'll be drunk advice and some innuendos. Annoying thing is that I think you kinda get this. Up until Albus says they're going on an adventure, that's more or less how it seems to play out. And Harry felt more like a vessel than a character, and Narrator!Harry wasn't done in a way that compensated. I'm willing to write it off as missteps with the past/future voice blend, though.

If you just committed and went full absurd like Elephants, then you could've pulled off the OOCness like it did. But you didn't, and the fic suffered for it.

Plot - 1/5

First check: How well does the plot service and execute the concept? Not very well. Granted, concept is inherently flawed, but the story was never able to sell it to me.
Second check: Looking broadly, is the plot engaging? Well structured? Good? Nope. It's hardly there. Skipped straight from conflict to resolution. Like, c'mon. That's story 101 shit.
Third check: Let's talk about the meat of the story. How well did the plot play out? Eh. It wasn't really funny despite sometimes trying to be. Lead-in was okay but then the rest was bleh.

Elaboration: Plots have a beginning, middle, and an end. You forgot about the middle, and the end wasn't any good either. The anticlimax was a bad call to begin with, and you didn't pull it off. Overall a disappointment.

Pacing - 1/5

First check: Could I make it through this in one sitting easily? Yes, but the short length guaranteed it.
Second check: Is there anywhere that overly dawdles? Anywhere that is overly rushed? Yes. The ending goes by in a fucking whirlwind to the point where on my first pass I though I skipped a paragraph or several. But no, it was actually a rush job.

Elaboration: Yes, just because the limit is 10k words it doesn't mean you should feel obligated to use all of them. You should still feel obligated to make use of the space you have. I'm willing to bet that you plowed through the ending just to get the thing finished, and it suffered accordingly.

Setting & Atmosphere - 2/5

First check: Does the story provide descriptions as necessary? Kinda. Only in the first part of the story. Barely in the second half.
Second check: Do the descriptions set the scene? Hand in hand with the above. Some touches at the start, and not even really bothered with in the second location.
Third check: If there are canon places, do I feel like I'm there? Only by virtue of my own imagination and concept of Dumbledore's office. And I guess the fact that Dumbledore's there.

Elaboration: The password change was a nice touch. Good job there. You do okay at the beginning, but it's like you didn't give a shit about this category after the first chunk of the entry. That's a major problem. We're all very familiar with Hogwarts; nobody needs to write poetry about it beyond getting the atmosphere going and putting the reader in the right mood. Then you leave Hogwarts to somewhere that's not a familiar location, and you do fuck all to establish it. There's really nothing to make the second setting feel different than the first, and that's a failure. Of course, we're there for all of ten seconds so...

Grammar & Mechanics - 2/5

First check: Does the author have a solid grasp on the English language? Is this readable? Yes. Congrats, you get more than a 1 in this category.
Second check: How does it do on typos? Does it clearly need another editing pass? Boy does it. A few typos, a whole lot of comma abuse, overwording, etc. Really needed a beta to go through with hedge clippers.
Third check: More broadly, how's the prose? Bland. Gonna include the perspective here, which in this case is a first person retrospective. I think it caused some problems. Needed to commit more fully to it to get a consistent voice.

Elaboration: Not gonna go full grammarian and whatnot here. A fresh set of eyes (either yours after a period of time, or somebody else's) should cover most of that. The style is a more deep set issue. Two examples:

“Harry, would you like a glass?” That was only one of the things that threw me off, the first being him offering me a drink of what was surely Firewhiskey." Does this qualify as a long-winded tautology? 'Dumbledore offered me alcohol, which threw me off, because he offered me alcohol'. Absurdly redundant. It's like you're focusing more about the structure of the sentence more than the substance.

"It was like what I’d imagine talking to a homosexual great-great-uncle about girls would feel like". No shit Harry, that's because you are talking to your homosexual great-great-uncle about girls. This is a useless sentence. 'It was like what I'd imagine' is also awkward phrasing and more overwording.

Also, you time your paragraph breaks poorly. It's terrible for the flow.

Overall: 9/30

This is an entry that was probably procrastinated on until it was rushed for the deadline and never got anything but a cursory editing pass. Add in a flawed and failed concept and we have a subpar entry. Author needs practice and some good betas if they want to make use of the glimmers of potential hidden in here.