Dec 2017 - Submission #2

Xiph0 · Dec 28, 2017

Harry Potter and the Reason Why Dumbledore Stopped Drinking(unspecified liver poisoning with each new Defence Professor over the years).
Part One.

No matter how many times I see the castle from afar, it always brings me back to the wonder of that first evening trip over the Black Lake.

The rickety carriage ride came to a halt outside of the gates of Hogwarts and Harry Potter climbed out into the mild August rain. He had never been back this early in the year before, but then he hadn't had cause to set foot upon the grounds in nearly four years, either.

And there’s Hagrid.

Harry smiled and raised his left arm in response to the half-giant's enthusiastic waving, and long before the Keeper of the Keys unlocked the gates, Harry had swung the compact satchel off of his right shoulder and loosened the gordian knots tying it closed. He had a package waiting in his hand by the time that Hagrid swung the gates wide, and he braced himself as Hagrid stepped out and swept him into a fierce, one-armed hug.

"Yer finally back, Harry!" He tried to grin, his left arm falling somewhere around Hagrid's ribs while Hagrid's own arm completely encircled Harry's upper body like a gentle but relentless steel girder, and he managed to choke out, "So I am!"

Hagrid released him the next moment, and Harry held up the package, wrapped in plain parchment and tied with twine. He kept the wince out of his tone when he said, “I got you something from Charlie while I was finishing my fieldwork in Transylvania.”

“Yer shouldn’t have!” yet even as Hagrid said that he was unwrapping the gift, and in the next beat when he saw the contents he began to tear up and blubber helplessly. “Izzat...?” was all that he could get out coherently just then. A set of dragon’s scales, some as tiny as Harry’s own thumbnail, others ranging as wide as a dinner plate, rested there in Hagrid’s hand. They made little peals of noise in the rain, not unlike various bells.

Harry felt especially pleased at Hagrid’s response. He’d almost forgotten how sentimental Hagrid was about creatures that most people would shy back from. “Norberta’s first successful clutch of offspring shed them, yes. The biggest ones she lost herself.”

Hagrid’s voice was lost in delighted weeping. He carefully folded the package back up, taking care not to lose a single scale, and when it was stored within his large coat pocket he enveloped Harry in another bone-crushing hug.

Harry finally managed to break free before he passed out. “I’ll kip down for some tea later,” he suggested weakly, wheezing. “But for now, Hagrid, I’ve got to keep going.” He took a hard breath and said, “The Headmistress is expecting me.”

“‘C-C-Course, ‘course,” the half-giant mumbled after a tremendous sniffle. “Set s-s-ome o’ my f-finest on fer yer.”

Hagrid collected himself enough to lock the gates behind them a few moments later and the pair began the walk back toward the castle in silence other than for the occasional loud hiccough.

They waved goodbye once Hagrid’s hut was within sight, and Harry made the rest of the journey alone, feeling strangely guilty for not following after him.

When he opened the front doors a few minutes later, a hurrying Neville Longbottom nearly ran him down, arms loaded full of potions ingredients. Harry stepped back in time as Neville barreled out shoulder-first and he reached out a steadying hand when Neville came to a stumbling halt, nearly spilling the assorted bottles across the ground.

“Ah, sorry about that, never expected someone…” Neville looked up at who had appeared so suddenly and his smooth features, long refined of the baby fat he had carried all through their school years together, turned wide and bewildered. “Harry?” he uttered softly. “What are you doing back here?” His eyes settled upon the satchel. “Is this about the Defence position? No one’s been able to fill it, not at all.”

Harry patted him on the back and laughed a little, feeling better. “Slow down, Neville. It’s good to see you again. Ron mentioned you had left the force for a position at Hogwarts, but I never would have pictured you taking over for Slughorn.”

Neville looked down at what he was carrying and it dawned on him what it must seem like. He shook his head vigorously. “Oh no, no, I’m the new Herbology Professor! Pomona just retired a few months ago, and I needed a few things from the potions stockroom for the students this year according to the notes she left for me…” he trailed off and returned his stare to the Boy-Who-Lived. There was real hurt in his voice when he said, “Harry, just where in the hell have you been all these years? Not even the Quibbler has reported any rumors of your whereabouts since the new millennium started, and Luna would publish anything.”

Harry looked out into the rain. “I’m sorry, I know I left everyone hanging when I went away on my own. I… I had some soul-searching to do after the war.” He quickly pressed on. “Listen Neville, I’ve got a meeting with the Headmistress that I can’t be late for. Go ahead. We’ll have the chance to catch up later, I promise.”

He turned to go. Neville let out a frustrated noise behind his back and then he said, “You should know that the password is still Pepper Imps. She could never bring herself to change it. And I’m going to hold you to that meeting, Harry!”

Harry’s guilt resurfaced as he nodded. “Thanks Neville. I’ll see you tonight.”

He could feel Neville's stare all the way to the top of the first flight of stairs, and when he glanced out of a nearby window he saw the new Herbology Professor was detouring toward Hagrid's hut instead of the greenhouses.

I should have sent an Owl from time to time.

Still, he'd had his reasons for going to ground, and he didn't completely regret his time alone.

He'd finally found himself. He wasn't an Auror, he wasn't a Quidditch Player, and he wasn't a Duelist. There was only ever one career that he had been destined for, and it had required some time to be certain that he could step into the role.

When he reached the familiar and no less ugly gargoyle guarding the Headmistress’ Tower, he repeated the phrase Neville had given him, “Pepper Imps.”

The gargoyle waggled its tongue at him and answered, “Right enough, now when’ll it change?” and stepped aside.

On the ride up, Harry couldn’t help but think, I still feel like a nervous first year caught out after hours when I find myself coming to her office.

When the staircase leveled out and deposited him before the door to his future, he ran a hand through his messy black hair and put on a smile. He knocked once, and a stern woman’s voice called out, “Enter.”

Headmistress McGonagall kept a much tidier environment than her predecessor had. The fireplace was quietly burning with bluebell flames despite the modest temperatures outside, casting a warm glow about the bookshelves and sleeping portraits. Harry gave a start when he saw that one in particular was empty, having only a royal purple armchair sitting in the frame.

Dumbledore’s gone? Before he could ponder over that for too long, a quiet tut drew Harry’s attention back to why he was here.

Minerva McGonagall had not relaxed any further since taking her position as head of the school than she had as the former Deputy. If anything, her steel grey hair had gained a few flecks of white, and the look in her eyes, while firm, carried a hint of sadness.

“Headmistress,” Harry greeted.

She nodded primly, once. “Welcome back, Mister Potter.”

He walked up to her desk and drew out the vacant chair sitting slightly to the side. “I’ve come to apply for the position of--” she held up a hand and the words died in his throat before he could even sit down.

“I am aware of why you came today, Mister Potter. I am equally aware of your every outstanding deed in the face of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, including your work as a substitute if unofficial teacher during your fifth year.”

He could hear the unsaid but, and sure enough she continued, “However, at your age, I must confess my doubts toward your proficiency in the role. We have rarely had a teacher under the age of thirty, with the present exception of myself, and therefore I am well aware of the hardships which one might endure while settling into the role. That you are also famous many times over would put you into much the same position as Gilderoy Lockhart.”

Harry furrowed his brows at that comparison. He’d never use whatever celebrity he had like that.

But he kept his mouth shut, waiting, and after a moment she raised her head an inch and continued further still, “With that said, I will not turn you away out of hand. For reasons I have been unable to identify, no one will stay on for a full term. I will allow you to demonstrate your knowledge and capacity, and we shall see what happens from there.” After a beat she added, “Perhaps you can break whatever curse remains, be it real or imagined.”

The relief on his face was evident, replaced the next moment by a small but unwavering confidence. “That is all that I’m asking for, Headmistress.”

“I trust that you will not disappoint.” She rose and held out her hand for him to lead the way back down the stairs.

Later, some several hours since he set foot on the grounds again, and Harry found himself back in her office. He was tired, physically and mentally, and he hadn’t eaten since a tense breakfast in Hogsmeade, but he felt that he had done everything he possibly could. Either she accepted that for what it was or he would have to study harder and come back in another year or two.

It was out of his hands, now. He sat down and waited as Minerva kept her own council. She did not sit, but rather stood by the window and stared out over the grounds. The rain was still pouring.

At last she turned back and posed a question to him. “Why do you want the position, Mister Potter?”

He smiled tiredly and said, “I finally understood what Professor Dumbledore saw in guiding the next generation. I caught a glimpse of that when we were defying Umbridge, but I had to know for sure, and I’ve spent these past four years doing that. I did a little tutoring in the villages I stopped at, solving problems here and there.” He sighed. “I’m not the best, and I won’t be, but I’ve learned a lot in my life. I want to pass on my knowledge.”

“And you are uninterested in fulfilling this role as an Auror?” she asked.

“I tried that for the first year. It isn’t what I was meant to do, Headmistress.”

She tutted again. But when she turned away from the window, her usual stern expression had softened just a little.

“From what I have seen today, Professor Potter, you will do better than many of the teachers I have hired.” She sat down and drew her wand while her response slowly lit up on his face, leaving him beaming. She conjured a rolled up parchment and then, to his surprise, a bottle of wine and two accompanying glasses. “You will need to refresh your stock of material before the students arrive.” The bottle uncorked itself and poured for each of them, and then vanished back to where it had come.

“I, er, thank you, Headmistress McGonagall!” he said. He accepted the parchment, adding it to his robes, and then glass that she handed him and took a cautionary sip. It was sharp yet refreshing, and he made to drink the rest down eagerly until she cautioned him.

“Take care, Professor Potter. Ambrosia is hard to brew and harder still to forget once you’ve sampled. And before you ask, I do not typically drink over new change of staff any longer. I have come to find the habit as debilitating now as Albus had over the decades. I believe the last time that he indulged was when Gilderoy joined the staff, and I came to appreciate this flavor throughout that particular year. This is a rare allowance to celebrate your return.”

Harry reluctantly set his glass down and looked once more upon the empty portrait. “I can understand that. Voldemort’s influence is still hovering over the position, isn’t that what you said?”

She sighed at his casual usage of that name even now. “Yes. I believe that whatever effect he cast over the Defence Against the Dark Arts role lingers only in self-fulfilling prophecy. Those hired believe that they will be cursed with misfortune, and so they create their own suffering until they quit.” She took a measured sip.

Harry followed suit. It was hard to put the glass down again, so he turned his next question upon the subject he had been wondering over. “Where is Professor Dumbledore? I thought that he had only the one portrait made.”

“Albus has taken to spending the summers at the Hogs Head Inn, sharing the painting of his sister.” She tutted her disapproval. “If you have need to speak with him, I advise waiting until he returns.”

Harry nodded. “Thank you again, Headmistress.” He looked at his half-full glass and resisted the urge to drink any further. He needed to eat an actual meal after this, and he still had to two stops to make before he retired for the night. Not to mention importing his luggage to his new office. He smiled again at that thought as he stood up. “If I may be excused, I promised to meet with Hagrid and Neville.”

“Dismissed, Professor Potter. And good night.”

The End of Part One.

Halt · Dec 28, 2017

I was actually taken aback after reading this. It didn't feel like it answered the prompt and I had to go back and read the extended title/author's note to figure out what happened. Whenever a reader has to go that far, you've cross the line of cleverness into being too clever. A plan, a joke, an anything really, feels a lot less if it has to be explained by the author to the reader bluntly. Harry's interactions with each new character are far too short and while the story hints at plenty of events, I can't help but feel it doesn't know whether it wants to be a short piece or a long one because of how much background hinting it does that are, ultimately, more interesting than the main point of the piece.

It feels like a bit of fluff/slice-of-life, but done poorly because there's just no emotional connection there between the reader and the characters. Mechanics wise, it's actually not bad, but it can't make up for how it feels like nothing is happening. There is neither tension, nor humor, nor a reason to care.

Original Concept - 2/5
Characters - 1/5
Plot - 1/5
Pacing - 1/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 1/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 3/5

Final Score - 9/30

Eimim · Dec 28, 2017

I'm confused by this. Is the second part of the story not going to be in this competition? Are we supposed to judge an incomplete entry?
I enjoyed the beginning and the characters feel genuine, so hopefully the second part of the story will actually fulfill the prompt.

Original Concept - 2/5 (?)
Characters - 4/5
Plot - 2/5 (?)
Pacing - 2/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 2/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 3/5

Final Score 15/30

Jarizok · Dec 28, 2017

Original Concept: 4/5
Characters: 3/5
Plot: 2/5
Pacing: 2/5
Setting & Atmosphere: 3/5
Grammar & Mechanics: 3/5

This got a big grin from me after I realized what happened. We’re sticking with the unfinished stories, but at least this time that was the point.

The story would’ve benefitted from a beta read, but with deadline stories like this, that’s understandable if not forgivable (the grammar-nazi in me won’t allow it!).

Similar to entry #1, the setting is Hogwarts, and few words are used to describe it. We get the gate and the gargoyle, but both are familiar. There are hints at more, but it’s not fleshed out. It’s more palatable for this story than the other one because it’s part of the joke, but that doesn’t change the fact that the actual plot and pacing once again don’t evolve beyond setup.

All four characters feel like themselves on the surface. There’s hints at more beyond the surface, like with the setting, which makes the ending all the more frustrating.

I’d probably rate the concept 5/5 if I’d come up with it myself. Being on the receiving end is still pretty funny, but also frustrating.

Final Score: 17/30

BTT · Dec 28, 2017

I like Professor Potter as much as the next guy (by which I mean, a lot in theory, usually less in practice), and as far as setups go, this is excellent. Establishes the characters and the setting clearly and skillfully, without coming off as overbearing or infodump-y. You even have a little source of conflict, where Harry left for a while and has to re-acclimatize and be re-acclimatized to. This is the kind of first chapter that'd get me to read, for sure.

The thing is, it's a good first chapter, but it's a little lacking as a contest entry, IMO. The ending just kind of trails off; Harry got the job, now what? It's actually kind of worse, because it's a good first chapter. You're looking forward to more, then you realize there probably isn't going to be any.

So yeah, I like the concept and execution a lot, even if the way you tied it into the premise was a little weak. Just wish there was more to it.

Original Concept - 4/5
Characters - 4/5
Plot - 3/5
Pacing - 4/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 4/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 4/5

Final Score - 23/30

Zombie · Dec 28, 2017

I feel like there was an attempt at deep emotional attachment, but that the characters themselves remained two dimensional. Professor Potter is an interesting concept, and even the self-fulfilling prophecy. It's kind of bittersweet in its intention, but not in the execution. I felt like there could have been more to this to get a bit more depth of feel, instead I'm left with glimpses that doesn't entirely paint a full picture.

I wanted to connect with the characters but I couldn't. You had all the elements for a great story, but they were just too loosely tied together.

Original Concept - 3/5
Characters - 1/5
Plot - 1/5
Pacing - 1/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 1/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 3/5

Final Score - 10/30

Anarchy · Dec 28, 2017

Original Concept: 2
Characters: 3
Plot: 1
Pacing: 1
Setting & Atmosphere: 3
Grammar & Mechanics: 4
(14/30)

I liked the start, but something about the continuation was a bit off-putting. Harry felt... distant. A stranger, almost. That could be the intent, given the setup of the story (Harry spent 4 years away doing something?). But, that's not expanded on at all, so we're left just holding a loose thread. And ultimately, the snippet is barely tied back into the contest prompt at all, with just a throwaway line. That spot where it's used feels like any random line could be inserted there and the story wouldn't change at all, so it doesn't really feel complete. Yet, at the same time, It wasn't really enticing enough for me to be interested in reading a continuation.

ScottPress · Dec 28, 2017

This reads like the beginning of something ambitious, but with a 10k limit necessitating a short fic, I feel like this whole setup chapter is kind of... unnecessary, to be honest. At least as the final entry. It hangs on the promise of something bigger and better, but as is, it's an unfinished piece that doesn't even fulfill the prompt. I also thought that McGonagall excplicitly explaining the drinking felt forced. This would have been much better conveyed by showing, not telling.

Original Concept: 3/5

I like the idea of Albus getting drunk because of the Defence teachers he hires, I do. So why the average score? Well, you told me the idea, but you didn't show it. I got the elevator pitch, but there's nothing to follow it with. This is reflective of the larger issue of the submission being the setup and nothing else.

Characters: 4/5

I find no fault with characterization. It's a brief look at four well-established canon characters that hints at what might have happened with them after canon. Competently done, but again, it's kind of like seasoning without the dish, so I'm not awarding full marks.

Plot: 1/5

Nothing really happens. The piece is, as was said upthread, on the slice-of-life, fluff side, but with no followup to flesh out what's hinted at. Hard to speak of plot when the story beats add up to a few short conversations, and only one of them moves something forward, but then we see nothing that ground this supposed change. McGonagall hires Harry, but nothing really changes.

Pacing: 5/5

Things move from character to character, from place to place well. The fact that the whole thing ends abruptly doesn't play into this portion of the score.

Setting & Atmosphere: 2/5

The setting is fine. I'm not expecting a fanfic to describe the places I know from canon and hundreds of other fanfics. The atmosphere feels kind of... pleasantly lazy? I don't know how else to describe it. I mean, it's fine, but I'm not sure what I'm supposed to expect. Humor? Slice-of-life played straight? Something on the serious side? As a result, it feels, hmm, subtanceless to a degree. Like rice. Kinda bland and colorless. Once again, the fact that it's only the setup chapter leaves me hanging.

Grammar & Mechanics: 4/5

I spotted this:

he still had to two stops to make
Click to expand...

Apart from that, it's nice and clean. Perfectly fine, but nothing to make me sit up and notice something about the writing.

Total score: 16/30

Sorrows · Dec 28, 2017

The writing of this one is very well done. The setup as has been said before is expertly handled. Had this been a first chapter on FFN I would be settling in, anticipating a competently written Professor Harry fic. The prompt is I think, more restrictive than originally intended but then it does lead to interesting takes on the idea.

Original Concept - 3/5
This is an interesting twist on the prompt, I had to read the end twice to get it. I think it may suffer from being a bit too subtle. For the purpose of a story it would work well as a funny interlude. However considering that this was a competition based around a prompt perhaps a bit more attention/detail/energy could have been focused on that detail.

Characters - 5/5
Very well realised in the space given. You only introduced us to a few and they all felt real and true to canon. Professor Harry was interesting to me at least and felt like an adult who you might actually want to teach children which is unusual amongst the Hogwarts faculty.

Plot - 4/5
I confess I was a bit disappointed where it ended but reading it through I appreciate the deliberatly build up and I think you played on people's expectations for these entries well. Can't mark you down for a good bait and switch even if it ment most of what's here is setup.

Pacing - 4/5
Again I can't fault you for the ending. It was deliberately paced to subvert reader expectations. It felt like the lazy build up to a longer fic. I do think perhaps a little more energy could have focused the readers attention on the key link between the prompt and the story.

Setting & Atmosphere - 4/5
Very well done. The walk up to the castle may have been unnecessary to the plot but it was a neat bit of atmosphere building and served a number of narrative purposes.

Grammar & Mechanics - 4/5
Nothing glaring. Possibly a weakness as well. The lazy feel of this fic had not particular stand out moments.

Overall this is a quality bit of writing, it's main flaw is its tenuous link to the prompt and perhaps its over languid style though that is only a weakness in the context of this competition. I would happily keep on reading.

24/30

Shinysavage · Dec 28, 2017

Very nicely written! It's not the showiest piece, but it's really smooth and engaging, with some really good character touches - I loved the scene with Hagrid, it might be the best moment I've seen with him in a fanfic. Neville and McGonagall felt recognisable, although Neville's scene was a little rushed. It's a very promising beginning to a fic, perhaps not one I'd be eagerly awaiting updates for, but one that would put a smile on my face when I saw the notification.

On the flipside, it has fuck all to do with the prompt. It's a nice little joke, but you could easily miss it as well. Equally, I read this a few hours ago, making notes to comment on later...and I'm struggling to think of anything else to really say. Not necessarily a good or bad thing, but worth mentioning.

Original Concept - 3/5
Characters - 4/5
Plot - 3/5
Pacing - 3/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 3/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 4/5

20/30

Ched · Dec 29, 2017

I'm going to read/review without reading any of the other reviews first. I personally do this by opening the thread twice, then hitting 'reply' on one of them. Then I make comments as I read.

Great first sentence. Good imagery and now I'm curious to keep reading.

Wondering who it is that is listening/watching these events? I have the impression that whoever had the italicized bit is separate somehow, but it made a few things read oddly as I reminded myself of the POV. It's minor but it did make me blink and think.

Genuine grin from me at Neville taking over for Slughorn. The Potions position? Neville as the Potions Master? Well done. I mean Neville corrected the mistake quickly - Herbalism, of course - but it still made me grin.

He wasn't an Auror, he wasn't a Quidditch Player, and he wasn't a Duelist.
Click to expand...

Well, good. Those are overdone, though granted it's because they make the most sense. I've sometimes envisioned him as becoming an expert in wards and traveling about (though that wouldn't work for any of my story ideas). Curious what you'll pick. Professor, if he's here to apply.

Also now I feel that the italics are Harry's after all. I think the initial confusion is at the start when you say that Harry Potter climbed out of the carriage - makes it seem like whoever had those italics was watching from the outside.

Loved the Ambrosia bit.

...and, done? The writing itself is high quality. Good description, good characterizations, good details to make the world feel real. But I've no idea why Albus doesn't drink and I'm not sure Harry knows either. Granted it does say Part 1, so I assume more is incoming, but for purposes of the competition I'm not sure what to do about that.

Original Concept - 2
Concept is good, but 'Harry goes back to apply for the Defense position' isn't super original. I have the feeling that yours is going to have a lot more going for it than that but it doesn't quite yet. Breaking the curse isn't super original either. The ambrosia is, and I'd give you an extra point there, but I think I'll do that in Setting. Also, uh, you didn't really get to the prompt.
Characters - 5
Characters feel right and you've also made them interesting. McGonagall feels older. Harry feels wiser. Neville feels like himself but grown up. Hagrid loved the dragon scales. Even Dumbledore's portrait is hanging with Ariana, which feels right.
Plot - 1
I don't feel like we've gotten to it yet. The writing is skillful enough that I can see it coming, but it's not here. So far I feel like the seeds for the main plot might have been planted but I'm not sure what they are.
Pacing - 4
Great fun reading this. Flow nicely, doesn't get bogged down, but still provides description.
Setting & Atmosphere - 4
Very nicely set up Hogwarts as it is now. Ambrosia was clever. Story feels serious but also nostalgic.
Grammar & Mechanics - 4
Solid - but missed the 5/5 because I got confused somehow with the POV at the very start. That's probably my fault but nywaaah, too bad.

Edit for TOTAL: 20/30

You're good, whoever you are. Very good. I want to read the rest. But for purposes of this competition I don't think this entry quite qualifies as of yet.

AlbusPHolmes · Dec 30, 2017

I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to judge this, given that on the whole it doesn't fill out the bookends of the prompt at all. Still, let's give it a shot, shall we.

Original Concept - 2/5

Based on the strength of your writing in general, I really get the sense you were going to take this somewhere, but that remains to be seen (hopefully the second installment gets posted too). Judging from the bracketed blurb, you get a three for having me somewhat curious (-1 because you never delivered)

Characters - 3/5

I'll confess I was slightly... frustrated by the characterization in general. It's like watching the pixelated image of a tantalizing woman load to 90%, only for your internet connection crap out. I got the sense that while there were well-rounded characters moving about in the story (for that you'd have received a 4), but it's almost as if you nerfed them before you could truly flesh them out (I assume in order to write quicker and make the deadline). There were flashes here and there of what-could have been, but in the end your characterization ends up being firmly 2D in scope, not precisely flat, but just agonizingly shy of being good. I'll update this segment of the review with a specific example if I have the time, for example the story is told from Harry's pov - there are a lot of times when you begin to draw me into his headspace and his general sense of being, but then you pull back at the very last second and move on. I got very same impression with the way you wrote both Neville, Hagrid and Minerva as well. You had good ideas, but the execution was rushed. I'm kinda tired now and want to move on to the next section of the review but OP, if you're interested, you can shoot me a pm once official scoring is done, and I'll see if I can expand on this. I docked half a point for that.

Also, from what I could glean Harry's been AWOL since the war, and is only now returning. With that in mind, the character reactions to said return was very much muted. I docked another half specifically for this. That, and Minerva's characterization missed the mark for me. She's a surprisingly complicated character to write, and I think you fell into the pitfall of painting her as somewhat austere

Pacing - 1/5

The story moved way too slowly, and in my honest opinion much of this section could have been cut in favor of moving to the actual highlight of the story. The story of Harry's introduction to Hogwarts could have been painted in broad strokes, or even cleverly skipped altogether, but you spent way too much time on pointless character interactions and telling us things we simply didn't need to know, so much so that you didn't get to write what the story was about in the first place.

Setting & Atmosphere - 3.5/5

My criticisms here tie in very strongly with what I said about Characters. By and large you do rather good descriptions, but they either suffer from being half-realized, or getting a tad indulgent on unnecessary details unfortunately. It's a hallmark of a writer just on the cusp of getting really good, so kudos on that score - you're nearly there. You just have to learn how to trim properly and lead the reader's eye effectively around a story.

Grammar & Mechanics - 4/5

Grammar and mechanics were largely fine, so for what is here you get a good 4.

Total Score - 13.5

Nemrut · Dec 30, 2017

It was an interesting start for a story but it was really not going for the prompt. This feels like a story you wrote with something else in mind but then you loosely connected it to the prompt theme with one line. And even then, it's not exactly fitting outside of the notion that Albus drunk a bit.

Characters were decent if a bit boring, Hogwarts was nice, McGonogall's speech was a bit meh since this line really annoyed me:

However, at your age, I must confess my doubts toward your proficiency in the role. We have rarely had a teacher under the age of thirty, with the present exception of myself, and therefore I am well aware of the hardships which one might endure while settling into the role.
Click to expand...

That's a weird thing to say, seeing that we literally just met Neville not even two minutes ago who was very much a teacher and also at the same age as Harry. So that felt off and wrong.

Your take on Hagrid was fine, Harry felt a bit muted, Mcgonagall was okay and I quite liked your Neville. The Luna will print anything was a bit awkward, but yeah, overall, decent stuff but I'll have to say, not that engaging. In a longer story, I would have continued to read but as it stands it's not something I would be following, as there is no real hook to me outside of Harry teaching at Hogwarts. And as a one shot, it kinda lacks impact and emotion.

Original Concept - 2/5
Characters - 3/5
Plot - 2/5
Pacing - 2/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 3/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 3/5

15/30

Jeram · Dec 31, 2017

Original Concept: 2/5 - To me there's nothing here that original - Professor Potter DADA at large is a common idea.
Characters: 3/5 - Hagrid felt right, as did McGonagall, but Harry was a bit off.
Plot: 2/5 - Perhaps it's due to the "Part One" aspect but this felt incomplete.
Pacing: 3/5 - No real complaints except that it ended abruptly.
Setting & Atmosphere: 4/5 - Really liked the feel of this one, had a great sense of the Hogwarts in transition.
Grammar & Mechanics: 4/5 - Only needs a touch of cleanup.

I thought the opening to this one was quite strong, but I had a real problem with a) the fact that it didn't go anywhere and b) that it didn't address the prompt within the context of itself. The quality of the writing itself is good, no question about that, but although I get the "I'll post what I have" (almost did it myself and I have before), I don't feel like there's enough of a cliffhanger to make me say "Gotta know what happens next!".

I think as a larger part of a bigger chapter, this is fine -- future!Harry isn't really my scene though so I really need something unique and interesting for me personally to get interested. My issues here are that inherently there isn't really anything beneath the prose and ambience.

Score: 18/30

Thaumologist · Dec 31, 2017

Original Concept 1/5

Harry abandons everyone and comes back to teach defense. Neville is teaching plants, McGonagall is headmistress. This doesn't feel like anything I haven't seen before.
However, that's limited by the scope of the challenge - Harry visited Charlie and Norberta, and the mentions of teaching in villages makes it seem like there's a decent enough backstory that just wasn't shown yet.
Marked down further because whilst the title sort of makes this fit the prompt, I missed it on reading through and then checking again.

Characters 5/5

No issues here. People felt in character, but without being stifled to canon, especially as time's passed since then. The character voices also sounded distinct, which can often be a problem.

Plot 3/5

Beginning, middle, and sort of an end. Whilst I feel you could probably mark this as a completed one-shot, the concept extends beyond it. Which is fine, a longer story is great, but the plot hasn't had a chance to get off the ground yet.

Pacing 3/5

Flows nicely, doesn't really drag or jump anything. Everything feels like it takes the time it should. Whilst I'd probably go on to chapter 2, I'm not sure I'd bother following if we didn't have it already, as there isn't a hook.
Slightly marked down because we get a timeskip of several hours during the day, in which he leaves the grounds? I get it was supposed to be where he showed off his knowledge and skills, but that took the re-read to get, and I still don't know why they left the grounds.

Setting & Atmosphere 3/5

Hogwarts as an adult, but with slightly less description than the books as we're familiar with it. No issues with that. Ambrosia was a nice touch.
However, nothing outstanding.

Grammar & Mechanics 4/5

Very good, only really little niggles set anything off.
I was confused about no teacher staying longer than a term, which is a third of a school year. I guessed this was just an error, or due to unfamiliarity with the British school system.

Total score out of 30 18

However, I don't feel this filled the prompt. The slight effort involved towards doing so in the title makes me feel you were aware of this, but decided to chuck this in anyway.

Meerkats · Jan 1, 2018

I was confused when I finished the story, and only understood what you were going for after reading other reviews and the little plot summary you provided. It's a great idea to have the reader deduce what was going on, but your execution fell flat. You need to bring more attention to the key parts of the story you are trying to to tell. The characterisation was pretty good I feel. The characters and their personalities felt very authentic however sometimes they would speak like a literature text book rather than actual human beings.

There is not really any plot here for me to rate, they story feels more like a prologue to a much bigger fic than a self contained story that begins and ends conclusively. It didn't have an impact, something that is the greatest advantage smaller stories have compared to longer fics with larger scopes.

Original Concept: 3
Characters: 4
Plot: 1
Pacing: 3
Setting & Atmosphere: 3
Grammar & Mechanics: 4

Total: 18/30

World · Jan 3, 2018

It's a good part one, but having to judge it on its own there's a lot missing. Many tantalising hints of a good backstory but all in

all a bit too short and basically lacking the answer to the prompt. A bit more flesh to Minerva's dialogue on that bit would have

helped.
All in all, I would continue reading the story, if it had a point to it (i.e. a plot that's not based on the prompt)

Original Concept - 3/5
Characters - 4/5
Plot - 2/5
Pacing - 3/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 3/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 4/5

19/30

Oz · Jan 3, 2018

First off, I really like this as a fluffy slice of life kind of thing. Mechanically I think it's great; didn't spot any spelling or grammar mistakes; the pacing was spot on, it never felt rushed nor did it drag on or linger unnecessarily; it did a good job building up the setting with the few details shared and without info-dumping.

There were a few negatives for me as well though. Characterisation-wise, Hagrid seemed too... weepy. And McGonagall is just a bit off. I can't imagine her being quite so frigid with Harry, and her comparing Harry and Lockhart's fame threw me for as much a loop as it did Harry. I could see another character making that comparison but not her. In terms of plot, it's incomplete, and not enough happens to satisfy me. I' left wanting more but only because it's unfinished. I've given pretty low marks for "original concept" as well as I don't feel it did enough to answer the prompt.

Overall, really well written and polished and I'd like to see part 2. <.<

Original Concept - 2/5
Characters - 3/5
Plot - 2/5
Pacing - 4/5
Setting & Atmosphere - 3/5
Grammar & Mechanics - 5/5

Final Score - 19/30

Stealthy · Jan 4, 2018

Original Concept - 2/5

First check: How does this answer the prompt? The answer itself is nice. Albus stopped drinking because of the revolving door of DADA Professors. Problem is a lack of exploration of that answer.
Second check: What about the broader idea behind the entry? Harry returns to Hogwarts to teach. Yeah, hardly original. No sort of spice to it, either.

Elaboration: So main issue here is the obvious one: you barely address the prompt. It's easily missed, and the entry would lose nothing if reference to it were omitted. it's not like the prompt has to be the be all and end all of the every entry (see: Druidstone), but it needs more spotlight than the throwaway line you gave it. And the actual focus is hardly creative. Professor Potter is not a new idea. Granted, this is a nicely written first chapter to a Professor fic, but we're not tackling execution here. If you explored the answer more, you would've easily gotten a 3 here. Maybe even a 4 if you did something rather inspired with it.

Characters - 3/5

First check: Do the characters sound/act like their canon counterparts? Neville is solid, Hagrid mostly there.
Second check: If no, does it matter (ex: Is it AU? Is it bending to a genre? Is there aging up or whatever at play?). Main one is McGonagall. She's definitely feeling older and more tired than her canon-self, but you sold me on why that is. Similarly, Harry's got some glimpses of his canon self but I understand the changes in character.
Third check: Is the characterization good? Kinda? Hampered by how we only get glances at Hagrid and Neville - not that this is a bad thing. Just how it is. Still, what we got was fine for the amount of screentime allotted.

Elaboration: Just to run down on each character. Neville? Good. Feels just like a slightly older version of him. Hagrid? Definitely sounds like Hagrid. He and Harry walking towards the castle in silence is not remotely in character but that's more a pacing thing. McGonagall? Sold me on the grief and years tiring her out, and in a long-form thing that'd be nice to see explored. She's too stiff, but you still kinda have it. The decision to monologue was a bad one, though. Harry is missing a bit of something. This is definitely a Harry that's been off soul-searching for a few years, but I think you leaned slightly too hard in that direction. Got too far away from the core character. That said, him bringing back scales for Hagrid was a very good touch. Well done on that.

Plot - 2/5

First check: How well does the plot service and execute the concept? This isn't a self-enclosed story, but that's intentional. If we consider the concept "A long-missing Harry Potter returns to Hogwarts to apply for a job", then yeah. Mission accomplished. He gets the job, and we get a sense of how his disappearance affected things.
Second check: As a whole, is the plot engaging? Well structured? Good? N/A. There's not much of a plot. Just some slice-of-life style scenes stacked up together to setup a story.
Third check: Let's talk about the meat of the story. How the well did the plot play out? The start with Hagrid and Neville were nice. McGonagall's where the holes started popping up.

Elaboration: Deciding to skip Harry's demonstration/audition/whatever was a bad call. Not only did we miss out on something interesting, it just majorly screwed that sequence. Harry leaves McGonagall's office only to wind up back in her office all of a sentence later. C'mon.

The conflict of "should McGonagall hire Harry or not" then resolves itself as we literally skipped from the beginning to end. Plus, it's a puzzling conflict to begin with. She mentions his youth, but then there's Neville. Then his celebrity, but the comparison to Lockhart is silly because McGonagall knows Harry's not like him. She has him demonstrate, but what's he demonstrating? His skill at DADA? He's good. Everybody knows that. She opens up saying that. His ability to teach? She mentioned his work with Dumbledore's Army. He did good, everybody knows that, and she doesn't mention wanting qualifications on top of that. And who's he demonstrating to, anyway? Students? They aren't around yet, which is why you're allowed to let Hogwarts feel empty. Or is it just a private show for McGonagall?

Pacing - 3/5

First check: Could I make it through this in one sitting easily? Yes. It wasn't too long, granted, but it was nevertheless an easy read - just as intended.
Second check: Is there anywhere that overly dawdles? Anywhere that is overly rushed? It all plays out slowly, but again, that's the tone the fic is going for. A slow roll and setup, for better or worse. The scene breaks could be a touch better but not they still work okay enough.

Elaboration: Two main flaws here. First is the skip between scenes. I get that you don't want to drag out the conversation with Hagrid to last the entire walk across the grounds, and it ended fine, but "they walked in silence" is just... well not how that would work. You can do a glossover here, and that'd be better. Similarly, we rush out of Neville's conversation a bit quick. Again, I get that Harry's trying to move on but it chops off too roughly. Then there's the random timeskip between the two halves of the McGonagall conversation which... well why was that there? So Harry would have time to do an audition you didn't tell us about? C'mon, dude.

Second flaw is how McGonagall basically monologues through Harry's job interview. As said above, the "conflict" resolves itself. As we're looking at this from Harry's perspective, the pace changes from a lazy river to a strong current boring down on us. Spent that section waiting for Harry to get a word in, but nope. Second half is better, but the first was overbearing.

Setting & Atmosphere - 2/5

First check: Does the story provide descriptions as necessary? Eh. It's all Hogwarts, so there's not much necessary, but there's not much description regardless.
Second check: Do the descriptions set the scene? Is the tone appropriate? N/A, frankly.
Third check: If there are canon places, do I feel like I'm there? Only from my imagination. There's not a huge sense of place here, aside from McGonagall's office.

Elaboration: Yeah, this was weak. Didn't distract from the casual tone, but didn't add anything either. The tone wasn't set by the prose, but by the pacing. Don't need descriptions of Hogwarts, but you still could've set the atmosphere better... or at all. Given what this was, it's forgivable enough to get more than a 1, but some more effort in this category is still called for.

Grammar & Mechanics - 3/5

First check: Does the author have a solid grasp on the English language? Is this readable? Yes.
Second check: How does it do on typos? Does it clearly need another editing pass? Pretty good. I see a few things a beta would catch, but the nature of a contest gives leeway.
Third check: More broadly, how's the prose? Nothing special. The lazy tone allows for this, but the style was kinda basic.

Elaboration: So, in my mind a 3 is a solid score in this category. Means that you don't really need to correct errors as much as make some improvements and tune-ups. Just wasn't anything special here, really. Wasn't a fan of the first sentence. Reads more like the start of a first-person perspective story rather than Harry's thoughts. Beyond that it was okay, but just that: okay.

Overall: 15/30

Thaum nailed it when he said he'd go on to chapter 2, but wouldn't come back if it wasn't there. Nothing to really make me click a follow button, or a hook to make it memorable. Usually not a big deal for one-shots, but given that this is structured like the first chapter of a longer story, I feel that it's worth pointing out.

This is a nice entry. Not a great one, but a nice one. I will say that there's a difference between being intentionally casual and being bland. I've been erring towards the former, here. I hope I'm not wrong to do so, and I occasionally worried about that. If you turn this into a longer fic, then you need to step it up. Can't always stay this lazy, or else the reader will get bored. This fic has potential to be good but just as much potential to flop, tbh.

H_A_Greene · Jan 4, 2018

I should probably wait for Xiph0 to make the official closing announcement but it's technically past midnight in his part of the world so I'm going to address some general notes now and then properly respond to comments later.

So first and foremost, yeah, this is my entry. This is roughly draft four, which is a whole different story from the first three drafts. I wrote this in about four days starting on the afternoon of the 21st and submitted the morning of the 25th. I was hitting my head against the wall trying to compile the lacking fourth scene at the Hog's Head Inn, which is where my actual answer to the prompt was meant to come into play, and I was worried about missing the deadline with the holiday and the ambiguous phrasing of 'before the 27th' in the announcement.

When I couldn't get the tone for Aberforth or Albus right I went back to editing the McGonagall scene and as I was working on her speech with Harry, it occurred to me that when she talked about 'not drinking with every hire', I had an answer to the prompt if I just expanded on that a little for Albus. So that's what I did, if only barely, and at the last minute before I sent to Xiph0 I stuck the title on as a sort of on-the-nose 'here's the prompt guys'.

I agree that McGonagall's overall speech is poorly constructed, not only because she has recently hired Neville so Harry's age shouldn't matter, but the comparison against Lockhart. I had it in my head that Harry's final victory over Voldemort pared with his sudden return to England would reignite his fame and have him running into students who wanted to bog down his classes or office with questions and such, but like most of this I did not stop to expand but went ahead with the first or second version of a line, and Harry's thought about not using his fame that way kind of screwed even that up.

I'd also wanted to expand on what Harry has learned so he could demonstrate to McGonagall his research and fieldwork(remember Quirrell was supposed to be out in Albania doing something to that nature before he met Voldemort?) but ended up cutting any progress there to wrap up McGonagall's scene and get the story sent in.

Once I'm done with draft five and the original prompt, I'll post the story to the WbA. Thank you everyone who read, rated, and gave some much needed response.

I'm not satisfied with what I sent in and I promise to fulfill any future prompts fully rather than insert a throwaway reference.

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DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Dec 2017 - Submission #2

Xiph0 Yoda Admin

Halt 1/3 of the Note Bros. Moderator

Eimim First Year

Jarizok Auror DLP Supporter

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