Here comes the next one. Randomly chosen.

This one is spiked with hints on the personality of the author. Let's start with the data-sheet.

The author isn't able to sit at his keyboard and write an adequately long text. He is impatient, lacks of concentration and fantasy. Otherwise there won't be any need to post a chapter of only 397 words, even if it is the prologue. I usually don't look at a fic below 2000 words/chapter.

Ah. Romance. 9:1 that the author is female or gay. No normal straight male would write Romance only. He would include either Action/Adventure or Humour (crude humour).
Rated T? Softporn, probably done written by an eleven year old. (No sane 13 year old would write below M – but then, is heshe sane?)

That's easy. He luuurves Gerard Butler.
Ok. I admit I had a look at his profile page to clear this up. The profile also reveals the author has a serious foot-fetish concerning Sean Bean. Somehow I start to believe it's indeed a 'he' ... and not a straight one ...


Now the summary itself ...

Confirms the lack of fantasy.

Serious hint towards slash. Fanon!Lupin is gay. No exceptions. Ok, sometimes he lives in denial. To label the 'new teacher' as female later in the summary might be a typo or a precaution to avoid slash-bashers.
'new subject': Canon doesn't matter much in this fic. So no spoilers. For nuffing.
'new teacher': In itself nothing unusual. The second half of the sentence, however, cries MarySue.

Foursome instead of trio It's redundant to mention the canon pairings later. We already know what will happen uke:

PrankWar? Not only Romance but also Procuration? By Hogwarts teachers? Utterly horrible and disgusting. Perhaps the rating is wrong. Probably intentionally rated too low to lure innocent kids into this piece of ... yeah.


Conclusion:
It's all said. Probably some adult-MarySue softporn or perhaps even illegal hardcore stuff with a canon-pairing fluff feast.


Crosscheck:

Hmmm. No reviews yet ...

.
.
.

Hmmm ... ah ... there is a review

Crosscheck Ok.

 

This already indicates that it's a bad fic. All the good fics have at least a rating of T. So we can tell that it won't be an action fic from this, which means that I'd usually have ditched it right now. But let's continue.

In case you don't know, I hate romances. Especially those without a plot or action. Except for Jeconais's.

It seems that the fic is decently lengthed. The first and only good point.

FAIL.

Ah. A teenage fangirl. So we can now tell that not only is it going to be a romance; it's going to be a piss-poor one at that.

This means that either that the author's writing a decent fic with an unpopular pairing or that she's writing a shitty story with a popular pairing. But since we already know she sucks at writing, she's writing a shitty story with a popular pairing.

And he is either Snape, Lupin, or Black because only these people are 40 in the universe involved in popular pairings. So it's either SB/RL or HP/SS slash.

The author deserves to die for that stupid-ass abreviation. Even in fanfiction there are standards to be maintained.

I was right. HP/SS for sure.

Here comes the half-bloods or lower must marry a pureblood scheme.

Right again.

I'm getting good at this.

Wtf is she on?

Thank God.

No. The day that happens is the day this happens.

At least the author has the decency to point out that it's slash.

 

1.

Here's you first clue that something is very wrong with this particular piece of pre-pubic hair masturbating material. HPDM.

---------------------------
[Teacher Thal] What's that translate into? Come on class, I know you know this one...

[Students] HARRY POTTER and DRACO MALFOY!!

[Teacher Thal] That's right class! And what have you been taught about Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy? All as one now!

[Students] THEY DON'T FUCK EACH OTHER IN THE ASS!

[Teacher Thal] That's absolutely right! You all recieve a Gold Star on the 'Felton Doesn't Felch' starboard!
---------------------------

This right there already should raise a big time SelfFuck!Fangirlism alarm. These four little letters have become the staple for what good author's have come to abhor about the next generation of fanfiction writers. This disease has even begun to invade the very livlihoods of good well rounded readers.

I can't even walk into a Subway anymore and ask a female employee for Hot Pastrami with Dijon Mustard without suddenly gnashing my teeth at the though of those four letters in an actual food that I eat. This in turn causes me to reach over, snatch said female eployee by the shirt and start smashing her head repeatedly aginst the glass sneeze shield, screaming 'HOW CAN YOU SUPPORT SHIT BABIES YOU FREAK!?'.

Poor bitch doesn't even have an idea on why I'm beating her. So you can already see why H P D M can cause major trauma to the human psych.

2.

Ok, first things first, the sentence is fucked up. Already I know that one hand was used when it was typed. So what, I type one handed all the time. What I don't type one handed to are sentences that carry 'Harry' 'Sweet' and 'Snape.' Oh no, not just Snape. BAR Snape. Boys and girls we've got a new god damn shortened fangirlism on our hands.

Bar!Snape. Possible translation? I'm not sure yet but I think the term Bar! has something to do with a metal dildo, and the term !Snape has something to do with shitstains.

Now on to Harry being a sweet boy. At first glance you might go 'Oh, Harry! That sweet boy that helps old ladies across the street!' But as your eyes continue to burn at that sentence you start to realize something. 'Sweet' has nothing to do with being nice. 'Sweet' has a much more diabolical meaning...

3.

...which is only confirmed when this lovely little statement causes blood to suddenly shoot out of your ear. Your ear is shooting blood because you just got an anyuerism. An anyuerism is when, for whatever reason, a part of your brain decides it's fuckin' had quite enough, and tries to off itself. I should warn you now not to stare at this summary for too long or you might just suffer this fate.

Now that we understand that 'Sweet' is not 'Nice' and that 'Sweet' is somehow referring to 'Harry', we've come to understand that this fangirl has no idea that a dude and 'Sweet' should ever be used in such a way. Last time I checked, which I think was last week, bitches tend to choke when you bust in their mouths. Why? Because we're not 'Sweet' girlies. Oh no, if you listen to the older girls in your high school locker room that are hot and actually get laid, dudes are actually pretty damn 'Sour'.

4.

Now here's where most normal people have already off'd themselves and there's brains and fecal matter splattered all over the computer screen. But I believe DLP'ers are made of much more resiliant matter so I'll try and continue, granted if I can quite trying to slash my wrists with a good for nothing Taco Bell Hot Sauce packet.

So Harry knows exactly how 'Sweet' he is? With this bitches earlier usage of the word, one would misconstrue this entire statement into some mental image of Harry skeet'ing in the shower and trying to catch it in his mouth.

Holy mother of Moses is that a bad mental image.

But see? That's the kind of shit Fangirl's tend to cause. Seriously, if this idiot text'd this summary to my cell phone while I was driving, my body would shut down and I would slam into a semi, causing it to vear off and kill a bus full of mentally challenged children.

And it would be this bitches entire fault that I got sent to Hell. Fangirls...the Anti-Christ.

But I stray from the topic at hand. Ok, so Harry is sweet. He knows he is. Now 'let the sugar rush begin'? Hold up, let's park here for a moment. Sugar rush. She's tied in Sweet and Sugar Rush. I can only pull two ideas from that snippet. Either the big adventure that happens every Hogwarts year is that the entire student body is going to have cavities, or this idiot just stated outright in her summary that Harry is going to give one lucky boy a nice Crest Fast-acting Brite Smile.

You know, I'm starting to see a connection. OH! There it is! This bitch is a Slash!Fangirl! Who'da thunk it?


5.

^~~~ Now. What. The. Fuck. Is. That?

Now if you're like me, you saw in the summary as well and it stuck out harder then a Negro penis in an KKK porno. Who the hell puts a in their damn summary?! What is that supposed to symbolize? That when you get YOUR Brite-Smile that you stick your tongue out at it instead of taking in the face like a real bitch?!

-------------------------------------

Ok, so we've established this thus far. HPDM is not in fact a sexually transmitted disease contracted from the noryl plastic of Logitech keyboards to fatass virgin snatches. It in fact means Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy. We've learned that Bar!Snape doesn't mean Vash got drunk and chased underage minors as they left elementary school. It means Snape, which, well we won't go into that. We've learned that being 'Sweet' doesn't mean you suck on Jolly Rancher's with a big damn smile on your face. If fact, it's a term I'm gonna spout off the next time the chick I'm giving Brite-Smile to tries to spit. And we've also figured out that this girl likes to wag her tongue at the thought of Tom Felton/Daniel Radcliffe having a round of 'Plug That Gloryhole'.

So the only thing left to do is translate this title.

6.

Azúcar. It sounds kind nice actually, almost Latin in nature. Maybe even Arabic. Wow, I bet it must mean something cool. Something so cool that this Fangirl took all of 5 minutes looking it up.

Imagine my surprise when I stumbled across this, taken from dick-tionary.com

Azúcar - noun.Azúcar is the ancient practice of taking what some believe to be a dried animal penis, usually from boars or even wild buffalo, and beating fat tribeswomen that made disgusting cave paintings depicting acts of lewd and sexual conduct between two male stick figures. This was normally done after tribesmen would shove a heated rock up the tribeswoman anal regions for an expanse of 9 months, then removing it and forcing her to carry it around in a blanket. The process was believed by many researchers as a form of ancient rehabilitation for women that the tribe believed 'Unpure' in the eyes of their gods.

Now kids we all know the horrible consequences of letting Slash!Fangirls behind the wheels of fanfiction summaries.

 

Another one – with a twist (to fall back into the ff.net-summary-language- to-gain-even-more-attention-from-fangirls). Please don't follow the links before you have read the entire posting.

It looks like a usual "Harry vanishes and is raised by someone else" story. He is probably trained in different things, certainly various kinds of magic and often also martial arts. Then, totally unexpected by the wizarding world, he enters Hogwarts. Harry might be sorted into all houses, most likely Gryffindor or Slytherin. Most of these stories provides some sort of conflict with Dumbledore and the staff, especially Snape.

Nowadays the whole concept is a cliché, but some stories are quite good indy!Harry fics – if you can stand the common martial arts crap. Sadly sometimes it degenerates into badly written super!Harry. Luckily the worst super!Harry authors usually announce their godlike!shit in the summary.

The strange part of the fic is the title.

The hint that the story might tend to the worse kind is the ratio of 1924.5 words per chapter, but the ratio is far better than the worst crap.

Now, dear reader, have a look at the summary and scrutinise if I missed something.

If you are done, have a look at the spoiler box.

Spoiler

The author's profile reveals her parents named her Amber. Or she named herself – be as it may.

The fact that the first thing I do inside the spoiler box is to provide her name should ring several bells.

Paragraph one of the story:

Harry Potter was very good at several things. At five years old, he could cook anything you wanted, weed the garden and navigate the lawn mower—no mean feat when you take into consideration the fact that the machine was 4 times his size. But for all this, his relatives hated him. ​

Paragraph three:

Amber the Orphan was also five years old. She was good at several things too. She was good at pick-pocketing, stealing and shop-lifting. She could also fly, transform into a wolf cub at anytime she wished to, and perform magic wandlessly. ​

Paragraph five:

Neither was aware of their destiny, nor that they were fated to cross paths. Not until Amber decided to explore Muggle London—a place she was as familiar with as anything. Flying around, she found herself in a new place—Little Whinging. Flying around the area lead her to discover a small boy in the backyard of a house, pulling weeds. ​

That's just the prologue. Halfway through chapter one the story switches towards September 1, 1991 – both kids ride the Hogwarts Express – literally – and manage to smuggle into the school. At the beginning of chapter two the author provides a short summary of their abilities.

The boy’s name was Harry James Potter, and since discovering his magic, at the tender age of five, he had fixed himself up a bit. The first thing he had done after accepting the offer to leave his abusive relatives from his sister—the wolf beneath him—was fix his eyesight. He would never need glasses again.

His sister was named Amber. Her full name was Amber Dawn Ailes, and she was the last of the once great Ailes line—now thought dead. Harry smirked wider. When they learned her heritage, they were going to die of shock. He knew it. She was also, it should be noted, of a non-human lineage, with born werewolf traits and the wings that carried them to sit comfortably in the rafters of the meal hall. That was why she was a wolf now—she could transform into one anytime she wanted to.

Of course, having stolen the proper books for Animagi training at age 9, both she and Harry could transform into other creatures. Her main form was the winged unicorn (Outside her wolf, of course) while his was the thestral his necklace featured. Of course, they didn’t hold to the book’s standards about forms, and, being far more in tune with magic then they should be—not that they knew or cared—could transform into any animal they wished to. ​

Sadly I was correct with super!Harry. What I really hadn't been able to anticipate was MarySue feast with self insertion. When one by one the kids reveal themselve in the Great Hall, Several teacher faint, including Snape (!). Both are sorted into Slytherin.

The morale:
Even if the summary contains only the slightest hint at a bad story, expect the worst.

Nevertheless I'll wait at least for chapter three. I still hope there might be some good Snape and Dumbledore bashing.