Voldemort frowned at last, the sickly green of the Killing Curse lighting up his wand-tip... and stopped.
"Right, Mr. Potter," he said in a gentle voice. "I'm afraid that's all we have time for. The Dark Lord package deal Dumbledore bought you has run out of time. Would you like to buy more?"

=====

"I empathize," said Snape sincerely, looking heatedly at Vernon. "I too was horribly abused by a Potter."

=====

“Got a sock,” said Dobby in disbelief. “Master threw it, and Dobby caught it, and Dobby—Dobby is fucked.”

=====

"Never - never! - put your wand in your back pocket," said Moody. "My twerking career - ruined."

=====

<Mishie> Taure: Dumbledore just awkwardly trying to convince Harry to not go after Cho
<Mishie> and then when Harry mentions Ginny, Dumbledore just sighs and says that a ginger isn't much better
<Mishie> she's practically irish
<BTT> "You see, Harry," said Dumbledore, "there's a reason ginger is an anagram of -"

=====

"This," said McGonagall reverently, "is Ravenclaw's Monster."
And, with a thunk, she laid the big black dildo on the desk.

=====

"Remember," said the priest to the initiate. "Two things come to all men: death, and taxes. We've solved the first one with Horcruxes, we're now working on the latter."

=====

"And so," said Madam Pomfrey, "children are born when the wizard jizzes inside the cauldron and the witch adds some of her spit."
"Hold on," Hermione said. "That wasn't just a metaphor?"

=====

"I strangled three babies with a pair of jeans and consumed their soul in a dark ritual," said Romilda. "Now my mirror offers better fashion tips!"

=====

"Milicent, darling, you've got a face like a cow's diseased arse and an underbite so severe you could be a Holy Roman Emperor," said Harry. "Marry me."

=====

"I don't get it," said Ron. "I thought you said you were a jaguar animagus. Why did you transform into a car?"

======

"Please, Potter," said Draco smugly. "Wizards don't believe in an age of consent."

======

"The wizarding world has not been the same without you, my Lord," said Lucius gravely, and together they watched as tourists tramped around Malfoy Manor, clutching at little brochures.

======

"Why didn't you just take me at the beginning of the school year?" Harry asked warily.
"And interrupt your education? Never!" said Voldemort.

======

Imagine a shadowy scene, an office where the only lighting is the glow of a lit cigar; smoke fills the room. Draco, approaching middle age, sits in a deliberately uncomfortable chair and begins to speak.

"We need you to rein her in," he explains. "I know I owe you too much already, but I just... I just can't stand the Pro-Muggleborn Marriage Law. Please make her stop."

The cigar twitches.

"I'll see what I can do," Ron says.

======

"We've talked about this, Hagrid," said Dumbledore gently. "Muggles have certainly not been able to catch dragons, and certainly are not turning them 'bad'."

He stretched out a wizened hand. "Now, I'm afraid I shall have to confiscate the dildos. If there is ever a need for them - such as it were - you may find them in my office."

======

"Well," said Mrs. Weasley, a little awkwardly. "Are your parents not coming, Hermione, dear? It is your wedding."

Hermione paled as the realization hit.

======

"Let me get this straight," said Salazar. "Wizards no longer have to shit their pants?"

Harry nodded.

"Bloody muggles," said Salazar sadly. "Can't let a wizard dream, can they?"

======

"I don't get it," said the Minister, watching his bid for re-election crumble. "I thought Go Fudge Yourself would be the greatest slogan ever."



Umbridge winced. "I'm not quite sure that we should call the squad of students who will police Hogwarts that, Minister."

"Hang on," said Fudge. "What's wrong with Fudge Packers?"

======

"So, Professor," Harrry asked hesitantly, seeing Dumbledore stare into the mirror with a very odd look on his face. "What do you see in the Mirror of Erised?"

Dumbledore coughed, blushed, adjusted his robes, and didn't quite look Harry in the eye. "Socks," he said, more than a little embarassed. "I see myself having excellent socks."

 

To steal this from What's Her Name in Hufflepuff author's snippets bin:

https://forums.spacebattles.com/thr...tter-self-insert.662488/page-36#post-54120976

I mean, it's a pretty good response to the trope of the SI/time traveller/person with future knowledge fearing being interrogated for said knowledge.

 

Actual gamer!Harry:

 

Narrative Casualties

“You didn’t check on me during all those years at the Dursleys!” Harry shouted.

Dumbledore nodded gravely, his eyes no longer twinkling. “True.”

“You could have arranged Sirius a trial, but you didn’t care about him enough to give him the benefit of a doubt, even where he was part of your private army!”

“That was indeed a terrible oversight on my part,” Dumbledore agreed.

“You hired Lockhart and let a bunch of psychos into Hogwarts without checking on them!” Harry continued.

“All your allegations are true, my boy.”

Harry sputtered. “But… but… but why? You’re such a powerful and benevolent and wise wizard, how could this make any sense?”

“Because otherwise the story wouldn’t have happened.”

“…”

“Yes, quite so,” Dumbledore nodded.

“I don’t understand,” Harry shook his head angrily.

“Had I not done all that, none of your exciting adventures would have happened. You would not have learned from them to become a better person, or forged to become a better wizard.”

“I… I… I don’t care about that! I would prefer to have a good and carefree childhood!”

“I understand,” Dumbledore said. “Believe me, I have had many complaints of my own. At first, I did not know who to blame for them, but eventually, after great research, I found out.”

“Found out what?”

Dumbledore sighed. “That we are not truly in control of our actions. That this world isn’t what you think it is. You see, it is governed by a terrible goddess, an all-powerful being who directs everything that happens to us, who brings about both our losses and our victories. We are just part of Her greater… design.”

“Why would She do that?” Harry asked.

“Oh, there are plenty of reasons,” Dumbledore said, rubbing his forehead. “For one, She needs to make things interesting for her audience.”

“…She can’t find a way to make things interesting without so much… so much senselessness?”

“She is lazy, my boy,” Dumbledore said. “She needs a convenient form of exposition, so She made you unaware of the magical world. She is occupied with making things exciting for Her young, impressionable fans, so She makes Her characters act like idiots. She did not expect more mature beings to scrutinize Her work and find all the holes She left in it.”

“So that’s it?” Harry asked. “All… all this suffering, just because someone was lazy?”

“There are other reasons,” Dumbledore said. “For one, She is trying to send a… message… to teach Her audience a certain morality. She has Her own ideas about good and evil, about the values of family and love and friendship, and how they trample individual power and reason. You, I’m afraid, are merely Her device for embodying a certain messianic figure… even if She didn’t quite get it right.”

“Wait…” Harry said, pacing back and forth in the infinite unspecified white space. “Are we part of it right now? Is She making us have this conversation?”

“Oh, no, I believe things are quite more complex than that,” Dumbledore said, a little smile tugging on his lips.

“Explain.”

“I don’t believe this is part of Her original narrative,” Dumbledore said. “No… you see, there are other beings similar to Her, beings with the power to create worlds and animate characters. Those beings were inspired by Her work, but, like you, found flaws within it. Some flaws imaginary, some flaws true. Those beings copied parts of Her creation and shaped them in their own will.”

“So they fixed it?” Harry said, hope glinting in his eyes for the first time. “Can we exist in an improved world?”

“I’m afraid it isn’t quite as simple as that,” Dumbledore shook his head. “You see, She is not the only flawed being. In fact, She is one of the better beings. Many tried to improve upon Her original design, to fix things, but very few, if any, succeeded. No, Harry, the truth is that, in most cases, beings have greatly corrupted Her work. There are thousands of altered versions of our world and identities out there, and the majority are even worse than the original. Much… much worse.”

“What do you mean?” asked Harry.

“Believe me, Harry, you would prefer not to know. The things I’ve seen…” Dumbledore shuddered. “There are twisted, demented, sick beings out there, Harry. They create shallow likenesses of us for their own amusement, and project upon them their darkest and vilest fantasies. In some of them, you are impregnated by Draco Malfoy—"

Harry retched.

“Indeed,” Dumbledore sighed. “In some, you are Severus’ son. Some have you be romantically involved with the murderer of your parents, and in others your friend Hermione is paired with Lucius, the evil racist who hates her kind and nearly caused her death.”

“That’s horrible,” Harry shook his head, eyes opened wide. “But what is going on right now? Why is this happening?”

“It seems that a frustrated being has hijacked our voices,” Dumbledore said calmly, “And uses us in order to illustrate a point to his fellow beings. A lazy, thinly veiled attempt to explain the inconsistencies of my character, as well as those of other characters, in narrative form.”

“Well… can he pair me up with Daphne Greengrass?” asked Harry.

“Who?” Dumbledore asked in confusion.

“This girl my age, I only noticed her once in seven years, but she’s incredibly hot and amazing. I think she’s in Slytherin.”

Dumbledore frowned. “That’s just masturbation, Harry. Not a story.”

“W-Well… he can put it in the guise of me learning that not all Slytherins are evil, and Dark is not evil – even though the original me used Dark magic consciously and without remorse - and that I should embrace the Slytherin tendencies in me and, and…”

“Shut the fuck up, Harry. For the greater good.”

 

People may or may not be familiar with JKR's expanded canon of the "Naming Seer" to explain Remus Lupin's name:

Anyway, on with the drabbles...

 

Looking down at the locket, Merope began to suspect that spending the last of her gold to speak with the seer had not been a wise decision. The name the old crone had suggested was simply not a very nice name. Who would want to call their child "No-Nose Riddle"? Shrugging it off, Merope wondered if she could get a few galleons for her trinket.

I simply gave up on getting the tone right for Merope.

 

Harry & Ron bromance fic where they both go fully indy!Harry together and have a whale of a time - just making up "pureblood tradition" on the spot like making up their Divination homework.

 

I'm inspired:

 

Which puts the onus on Professor McGonnagal, which won't be better for Harry.

 

Wacky HP universe insurance policies

A conversation between a wizard and a Muggle about insurance, where the wizard is baffled at the idea of Muggle insurance.

 

"My boobs look normal sized now, sure," Susan explained, "but that's just because you're only seeing them in the 4 regular dimensions. If you had mage sight, you'd be able to see into the 5th dimension, known as boobspace. That's where most of the mass is."