Spoiler

I quite liked this! The premise was engaging, and it was fun to go along for the ride.

You did a great job setting up the bullies as cruel without being over the top or absurd, in my opinion. They felt like just the right amount of malicious.

Hagrid's voice felt a bit off to me at times. The accent went full Scottish it seemed (in my limited knowledge of accents) , which I don't generally associate with Hagrid. The amount of insight he showed when Rolf wanted to read the papers also seemed out of character and a bit forced.

The sub plot with Humbert was well set up. I thought it was executed well, right up until the end. The turn around from 'I've lost my best friend' to 'my best friend is alive' was very quick and gave me a bit of whip lash. I didn't have time to fully process the emotional turmoil Ralph was experiencing. Difficult to do with such a short word limit, but I think by moving the 'reveal' to later in the story, that would have made a difference.

Overall, an solid story that I enjoyed reading! No real technical issues I noticed, strong characterizations, and minor pacing concerns for the sub plot. 4/5

 

Spoiler

This is pretty good, but let down by its lack of a real ending. Rolf is bullied, obviously, so the natural expectation as a reader is that he'll use the magical beasts to slap their shit silly or something. Or show that he's above them, thereby achieving catharsis. But that scene was missing. He gets picked on, they apparently try to murder his pet, he moves on.

Same for his efforts to save the Skrewts. The deadline is artificial - I dunno that most creatures used in the maze will be killed, either post facto or during the task - but there's an opportunity for a good, clean resolution there and you miss it. In the end grandpa goes "well, ok, if you say so I'll save the buggers" and while that's huge for the Skrewts in terms of story resolution it's someone else coming in and solving the problem.

Also Humbert puts his tongue into people's orifices and that's just fucking weird.

So yeah. Technically competent, but lack of catharsis lets it down. 3/5.

 

I read a decent chunk of this expecting some big explanation as to why they seemed to be repeating history with the next generation and their tournament, until I remembered that Rolf is Luna's husband, not her son...

Spoiler

I rather liked this. I don't have an awful lot to say about it, unfortunately, at least of any major depth; it's decently written, with a nice premise, and feels in character despite Rolf never actually appearing in anything canonical, although he maybe reads a little older than the 12 year old he actually is. I liked that you remember that it's not just Slytherins who can be little shits, and the glimpses of the canon world near and far. Beyond that though, it's...unremarkable, I suppose. Which isn't a bad thing, necessarily, but in the context of a competition might be a drawback. Solid entry though.

 

Spoiler: spoiler

So wait. This is harry's fourth year? I actually thought it was a generation later repeating the entire thing until the very end. That may be on me...but I might ground that a bit better. Maybe? Dunno.

Few general constructive bits before I hit on what I like:

Humbert: Introduce him better. I actually backtracked when reading the story trying to figure out who he was exactly since its not clear what/who he is until well *after* Rolf finds him. So it just threw me. I think even a line of like "his pet" "the puffskin" etc when he is first found might help that.

The other general advice is. Mmm. So what is the thrust of the story? By that I mean it feels like there's two stories merged together here, and they dont go together. One is the adventures of Rolf. His bonding with Hagrid, focus on the Skrewts and his pet puffskin. This incidentally is the arc that worked better.

Then there's the tri wizard tournament bit and harry winning. And that just seemed tacked on and not connected to the rest? If you wanted my advice, id put mentions of harry/dumbledore at the *start* of the story (so the reader is anchored chronologically) and *end* not with Harry suddenly returning and stealing the show with the big diggory reveal, but with the Skrewt/Puffskin resolution. and I think if you did that, you could flesh those storylines out a bit too (they each need just a TAD more written so it doesnt feel abrupt.

What I really liked in this story was Rolf. That;s your strength. You have a well rounded 3-d character whom I identify with and care about.

You did a good job with the skrewts and hagrid and humpret (haha even if i dont know how Rolf could be so dense with the h.w thing).

Maybe because of the word limit... but I think a few htings need to be fleshed out and youve got an AMAZING story. Let the ending no feel so rushed or get distracted with Harrys return. Explore the whole skrewts/puffskin lines a bit more instead and i think you have a 4/5 or 5/5 story here. As is I think you have a great 3/4 of a story and a bit of chaos at the end. But a little editing/tweaking and it would be awesome

 

Spoiler

I liked the premise, all the pieces were there, and though it felt a bit rushed (perhaps due to the word limit) overall it's a fine first draft, if indeed it requires some polish.

Two problems though:

Hagrid. Did not really enjoy Hagrid’s voice unfortunately. His accent felt somewhat fake and quite inconsistent, and that hurt the rest of his characterisation. Fortunately for you there’s a DLP thread that might help you fix the form, if not the substance; Writing Hagrid's dialogue. In all honesty though, there’s always the choice to ditch the accent altogether, which is not ideal, but would work better than what you have.

Humbert. Now I was ready for the resolution to that subplot to be a choice between the Puffskein and the Skrewts. Or maybe Humbert got eaten after all and then Rolf would have had to choose between helping them out or take his revenge. Or even have him save the puffskein at the last moment by killing the skrewt. Or something. But nothing, is in fact, what we had. So what was that all about, really. It’s like you want us to feel the relief of Humbert being fine but you have forgotten that you put him in peril in the first place, and that this peril deserves some sort of resolution. Like what actually happened to it? Did it escape, was it never in any danger (and the bullies were just teasing?) Was it saved by Hagrid? I would have liked to know.

I also noticed several references to various Canon happenings/characters (four if I’m correct; Luna, the Chamber, Hermione, and, obviously, the events of the fourth task), but save for the tunnel, all of them felt rather ham-fisted. It seems you really want us to notice that you’re making a reference to these things which ironically detracts from them, because I already know I’m reading a Harry Potter story thank you very much. I would even make the argument that not having Rolf overhear Harry’s return from the graveyard would work much better for your story. Not only does Rolf’s narrative not have anything to do with Harry’s (and its resolution is markedly different - and comes with his grandfather’s letter), it would be quite dramatically ironic for Rolf to think that the commotion that allows the skrewts to get away comes from the twins - and thus be grateful for it - instead from Cedric being found dead.

Anyway these are just my thoughts. I got a few more below, if you want to read them.

Spoiler: Minor stuff

According to my calculations, someone free falling from a tree fifteen meters high starting at zero velocity would take exactly 1.749 seconds to hit the ground. Hardly enough time to react, much less twist mid-air in panic. More to the point, this reaction just feels underwhelming, I’ve read ‘spike of fear’ so many times in my life it just doesn’t transmit anything anymore.

Don’t really dig this shift in perspective, but if you must, at least use cursive (‘Not damaged, good’), otherwise the reader is left wondering who exactly is passing judgement on the omnioculars not being damaged.

Lol

Why is this boy slamming into a wall, does he not its bad for one’s health. In any case, if he stumbled down the steps or something, and that’s the reason he’s hitting stationary objects I would suggest making it clear. It reads kinda weird otherwise.

I require a comma before a speech tag, Niez said.

Knobs, wankers, etc. Not entirely sure that ‘dickhead’ wouldn’t be thought of, but if you can add a briticism here or there whyever not.

This reference to Luna is a tad ham-fisted.

hybrid twice

Huh?

The Luna reference might have well been a tad ham-fisted but this one was very well done.

ew

Lol, the reference to Hermione is ok, but let's not over do it.

Petrifying charm?

Choose one emotion my dude, you can’t have both.

Not once in her entire seven book series does Rowling use ‘fuck’, ‘fucked’, ‘fucking’ or any variation thereof. I would suggest you do the same.

Spoiler: Rating

Who knows, though I have a handful of points and it would surprise me if I didn’t give some of those to you. Good job on the whole, despite my comments, and thanks for participating.

 

Spoiler

Protagonist:
The characterization of Rolf was easily my favorite part of this story. I loved how you showed us the kind of person he is — and having him interact primarily with Hagrid was a great choice. From the very start of the story, I instantly liked this sweet, smart, weird kid (he's very like his grandfather). Rolf really knew his stuff in a believable way. I'd love to read about more of his adventures and his friendship with Hagrid.

Antagonist:
I know there’s never any rhyme or reason for why bullies target the people they do, but in fiction, I still want a little insight into the antagonists’ motivations. At the very least, I feel like it might be best to first show the bullies witness Rolf at his weirdest — like when Rolf is completely unfazed with a Puffskein putting its tongue up his nose — then see them react to it with bullying. Then, maybe a professor could witness that bullying and take points away from Ravenclaw, and later the Ravenclaws respond with more ruthless (and more discreet) bullying against Rolf.

The nickname the bullies use for him (“Scammy” and “Scammy scam”) sounds a little too childish for 13-year-olds. I feel like 13-year-old bullies would maybe gravitate to “Salamander,” and then just accuse him of being gay after that. “Oh look, it’s that poof from Hufflepuff” could work as both a standard "you're gay" insult as well as a reference to the pink Puffskein.

Plot:
Although you structured the story well and built it up well, I don't think the plot really works. It's a little too far-fetched. Rolf certainly puts in the work, but I feel like there are some issues with the plot:

• "Not many will survive the tournament, and those that do won't get a chance to breed in the wild." Wait, but why not? They're literally already breeding. Hagrid doesn't seem to care what the Ministry thinks of illegal breeding at the beginning of the story, so why would he care by the end?

• Half of Rolf's concern was that the Skrewts would be killed in the Tournament, but he doesn't set them free till after the tournament. So, any killings that would've occurred have already occurred. Wouldn't it make way more sense to try to set them free before the Third Task? Maybe that could be Rolf's initial plan that the bullies could later derail, leaving him with no choice but to try it during the Third Task?
• Wouldn't Rolf's main concern be figuring out how to corral a bunch of deadly animals out of an extensive maze and into a literal pipe in the forest? I recognize that luring them with their favorite smells could work. But if you're trying to get, say, a group of hyenas from Point A to Point B, you're going to have to research more than just what they eat.

Climax:
The fact that the distraction Rolf needed turned out to be Cedric's death and Voldemort's return really throws off the tone of the story and makes it hard to celebrate Rolf's victory. I recognize that you have to work within the bounds of GoF, but man. This is a rough second-to-last paragraph to end on:

Dialogue:
Your Hagrid dialect is a little off (Hagrid doesn’t say “nae,” “tae,” “aye” or “lad”). FictionAlley took down their excellent "How to write Hagrid" dialect guide, but I think this is also pretty useful: https://manu86.livejournal.com/25048.html?page=2

Other random notes:

^ I had some trouble picturing the movement here.

^ Lol, I recognize what you’re going for here, but it doesn’t work. Also I would cut these two lines (it’s a little too much):

and instead move the wink farther down, when Hagrid makes up a sudden excuse to leave Rolf alone with the essays.

General Opinion:
My main advice is that I'd really prefer to read about an adventure of Rolf's that is completely separate from JKR's plots, because I think you struggled to fit him into the bounds of an existing plot. I hope that you continue working with this character, because I really liked this little nerd.

 

Spoiler

So I was liveblogging this, my computer restarted and I lost it all. Time makes fools of us all.

It's fine.

I think your opening line could be stronger and more engaging than it is. Didn't like the sentence where Rolf used the word speciation for the first time, or the time after. It feels too muggle a word.

["Hey, Scammy, we're talking to you." Loretta Cornhill said.] - should end in a comma here in the speech I think.

[Maybe next time we'll--] you can insert special characters. I always think the double-hyphen for an en dash is horrid to look at, when you don't have to do that for anything that's not the most basic of text docs - and if that's where you write, fine, but fix it before you post.

[chimeara] - misspelled.

[ "Hagrid still hasn't figured out what they eat. I have the spell to enhance the smell of something they'd follow, and I can make a trail to lead them here, but how the hell am I supposed to trot them off from under everyones nose after the third task!?"

Humbert purred right against Rolf's neck and some of his anxiety drained away. Rolf petted him.

"Thanks buddy," Rolf said. "Alright]
So I think this example of Dramatic Irony for your readership, is fine. It's a wink and a nod, but it's not exciting. We know the answer. And Dramatic Irony is best where we know the problem they'll face, the challenge they don't know they'll face yet. But we, here, can predict the solution. Es no so bueno. Let your readers anticipate difficulty.

["I can't let you read papers from my students, especially not the ones sitting on my table next to you. That'd be a breach of ethics as a professor, it would."

Rolf stared at him. What?

Hagrid stood. "Oh, I almost forgot, I need to go the castle."

What? "What?" said Rolf.

"Bathroom, you know. Urgent like."]
This is from the Dumbledore playbook, not the Hagrid playbook. Hagrid idolises Dumbledore, and I guess I can see him consciously copying his particular methods - though as an adult would he be exposed to them in quite the same way? Hagrid is the man of the inadvertent slip. This may reasonable, but it struck me as less Hagrid-like as I read it, and I thought I ought to point it out.

[Most importantly she had evidence backed conclusions] Eugh. Not a fan of this characterising Rolf as a Science-supreme sort inside a magical world. Could you not have made him feel like the scientists of a couple centuries ago - rather than using modern-style forms?

[he wanted to add] - who's he talking to? Zip, zero, stingy with dinero. It slips your perspective here, look out for it.

["Where's Humbert," ] - ? not ,

[ Rolf's foot bashed into the corner of a bookshelf as they were unceremoniously pulled through the aisles and tossed out of the library.] You had a much stronger image with Pince picking them all up by their collars, after a loud bang. Then you write this. Does it add anything? The injury to his foot best be incredibly important to his ability to move the skrewts. This best matter, otherwise why have you pointed out this particular detail of literally no importance, no atmosphere, and no impact?

[ petrificous] - wrong, and not italicised as a non-english phrase. Also - this is your 'It goes wrong' moment, and the way you describe it as coldly and evenly as if you were discussing your latest variation on thin gruel just completely robs it of tension.

[ Wingaridium ] - Incorrect, man. One of the top three most famous incantations in the series. What are you doing? Did you proof read this?

[the third task about to start. ] *was.

[And, he thought with a rare flash of rage in his heart, they had robbed him of the chance to finish learning bombarda.] You can tell you're writing things as you think of them and then not looking to see if they undercut what you've already done. You lead with something much more horrifying to Rolf, and then you specify that the much more dispassionate insult that has been done to his learning is what gives him a 'rare flash of rage' itself an incredibly 'told' way of characterising him. This doesn't fill my tummy with fizz, if I'm honest with you.

[Rolf vaulted over the railing outside Hagrid's hut and into the pens where the cages were, frantically glancing around for a flash of pink fur.

His heart skipped a beat when he heard a familiar chortling behind him.
...
For a full minute he stood there, clutching his best friend and letting the relief flow through him] - how rational of him. I often let relief flow through me after a hard day, but I try not to overindulge. On a day where I've a lot to do I genuinely tamp down on the relief flow, sometimes even close off the valve completely. Only temporarily, mind. Good stuff, fellow human.

Also, you do the first part of the quote a lot. You're A) falling for that amateur of trap of overly specifying movement from one spatial position to another, thinking we have to know how he's moved and his route to understand what's going on, and it's one of those fanfic things you see that you don't in real books, because it makes your MC feel like a puppet being pulled along on a string. And B) you keep putting 'told' reactions first and then putting the event after. Like a thesis statement. It again, makes each line weaker.
----> In the pen behind Hagrid's hut there was no sign of Humbert. No clues, no clumps of pink fur, no sounds of frenzied feasting.

A familiar chortle came from right behind him, and then Humbert was on him, tongue tasting ugly tears, and Rolf's shoulders were shaking and his fingers were running over pink fur.

The important thing is here, look, you don't have to use frantically glancing, when you can just describe what he sees (and we understand he's frantically glancing). Remember, as a writer, it's not your job in a limited 3rd person perspective to stand there with a pen and paper and record what your character does and then the results of his efforts like you're undertaking a confidential enquiry for the court. Try and get in their head and write from there. Don't say he looked. Say what he sees. And the way you described it is the adverb. Is the way that he's looking, and his frame of mind.

[Rolf waved his wand to levitate the bundle and sat out at a jog towards the forest.] - Similarly, can you just say levitated here and drop the 'waved his wand'. Or can you say waved his wand at the bundle and drop the 'to levitate' Also, 'sat out at a jog'. If some peculiar wizarding yoga is an integral part of how Rolf is going to pull off his plan you should mention it before now. Or else, if that should be 'set out' then you should proofread your work.

[Where was his distraction? The task had to be done soon, the champions had been in there for ages. There'd been a commotion a bit ago, sure, but there'd be announcement once a winner took the cup. If he tried this now there was no way the audience would miss the skrewts streaming out of the maze into the forest!]
-- Feels like filler, rather than important and interesting and anxious thoughts that heighten a sense of danger. It doesn't, by virtue of its content, well convey the anxiety that you're trying for. Free indirect speech, I think, is suited more easily to interpersonal scenes, but it's not suitable here, in this case, for him breaking into a maze of monsters when our attention should be on the environment and you're yanking our attention internally, to Rolf.

[and he pushed it all down and away from him. He'd think about - that - later. Rolf dragged his mind back on task, refusing to allow any thoughts not related to his current goal to gain traction.] - you're just not dealing with important emotion well in this story. I'm sorry to say it. He doesn't read like a real person. You're making him do what you want him to do, and it just doesn't fit. What are you saying here really, what's your authorial purpose, I imagine: Rolf understands and reacts normally for a wizard who understands the magnitude of this event, but he also needs to complete the plot and dealing with this news would interrupt the plot.

[and watched as every living skrewt in the world tumbled out of the maze and followed his trail towards the forest, farting fire as they went.

He hadn't moved two hours later when his grandfather's owl found him.]
- What are you doing, are you tired? Is this a pity submission from that extension, completely composed in two days? If so well done, you've done amazingly, and I'm sorry that you decided you were done and needed to sleep here.
- So he's spent two hours at the end of his trail, surrounded by skrewts, smelling of food? Tight.
- So he's spent two hours at the end of the trial, post Voldemort return, powered down, like a robot? Tight.
This is lazy. So, so, egregiously lazy.

[For now he wouldn't think about the fact that Cedric, a prefect in his own house who often helped Rolf with his homework, might be dead.]
I'm starting to feel 'fuck you, reader' vibes. Well done. I'm sorry it took me two tedious reads to get it.

[hopped up] Hopped up where, man? Explain yourself. Explain every physical movement he has. Don't break the habit now.

1) Character Arc - felt like it should be about Rolf relinquinshing childish things or a coming of age, where's he able to show what a conservationist has to overcome and how he'll rise to the challenge - based on the antagonism that the bullies revolved around. Except at the end, his final thoughts don't match up with his actions, where he's just sticking his head in the sand. So that doesn't work.

2) Antagonists - you should put as much, or more, work into your antagonists. Here they're stereotypes without distinguishing feature. I, at this point, can no longer remember if you described their house, how they looked. Could've been nice symmetry if you'd contrasted his responses against what we know of Luna, who he ends up marrying (iirc), but you didn't. Draco and Snape were bullies, and they were extremely distinct. You didn't even get so far as picking 'posh' or 'tall' or 'rage' out of a hat for the individual bullies here. Give them something to be memorable. Also, there was no conclusion to the arc.

3) Humbert - what was the point of that? What did he contribute. Don't waste your story elements. Don't make a cute pet, and have him do nothing but be a hindrance with no personality beyond a penchant for chortling.

4) Your letter didn't work. At that point of the story, it doesn't add anything, doesn't help anything, doesn't really signal a shift in Rolf's thinking. I think it was supposed to, it was supposed to be the answer to point 1) in this review, wasn't it? He's grown up. But the letter doesn't signal that change in thinking, because he just goes 'ah sweet, an adult is coming'. So...
Wasted paper. Unnecessary Cameo.

There's more. I'm tired. Look up scene structure, make sure they all turn around something changing, that matters. Like, this story was fine. If this wasn't a competition, I'd have read it and forgotten it and never thought about it again in my life. So there's that, but that's probably not what you're aiming for.

I'm not proof reading this reply. One kind turn deserves another.