Spoiler

This is way too dry to register as an actual tragedy. You need a little more than things happening and cliché words being spoken. Descriptions, maybe, or showing the characters feeling emotions.

And, honestly, the feeling I'm largely left with after reading this is a sense of "that's it?" Like, the Baron kills himself because he can't stand living in a world that doesn't have Helena Ravenclaw in it. Decent plot point. Great, even.

So why doesn't he express love before that? He sees a body that could be hers and doesn't panic, he doesn't really think about her appearance, no: all he thinks is Helena has to come home because her mum's dying. Man's a bit of a blunt instrument, isn't he? We don't really get a sense for anyone's personality, I think. Not the Baron, not Helena, and they're basically the only characters in this piece. The manservant is a one-line throwaway character who doesn't matter.

I think the whole thing is kind of tenuously linked to the prompt, too. Yes, they become ghosts but we don't see them as ghosts. If you read this without knowing canon you'd be wondering what the fuck any of this had to do with ghosts.

1.5/5.

 

Very quick repetition of 'he noted'; it would generally be considered good practice not to repeat yourself like that, but it's not the end of the world.

I know that goblins have magic of their own, so I get what this is saying, but it's a little clumsy at first pass, and wouldn't be too much trouble to clear up.

barged into

This feels gramatically inaccurate/clumsy, although I'll be honest I'm not entirely sure what a strictly correct version would look like - personally, I'd do something like "and the woman - whose name slipped his mind, but could well have been Margaret - curtsied." (And also, curtsied, not curtseyed)

information was received.

Spoiler

I feel like there's a noticeable uptick in quality once the Baron leaves the pub and arrives in Albania; I'm not sure whether that's just a personal feeling brought on by getting to the meat of the story, whether it's that the scene plays more to your strengths, or just that you focused more on that bit when writing/editing so it had a bit more polish. Whatever the reason, it definitely feels better.

However, while it is better, it's still all a bit bland. The duel is kind of interesting, with the contrast between the Baron shanking the - to us certainly, and possibly to him as well - complete stranger earlier and his refusal to cast anything more perilous than a stunner, but there isn't a whole lot here to get across a love (or obsession, perhaps) strong enough that he'll kill himself to be by her side again. I'm also raising an eyebrow at a) the Baron being strong enough/good enough at knife throwing to bury the knife hard and deep enough into her with a single throw, especially given that, as a wizard, it's likely not his primary weapon, and b) that he can do that in spite of not actually trying to hit her with it. Like, I get the irony that you're going for, but he's suspended in mid-air and half wrapped in chains.

I'd also say that there's not really much here that isn't already in canon. I'm certainly not against fleshing stuff out in fanfic, but other than the bit in the pub, there's not much more to this than the way Helena describes it to Harry, from what I remember.

It's a somewhat deft combination of the two possible prompts, which I respect. Other than the above points, it's technically OK, but on the whole, unmemorable, I'm afraid.

 

Spoiler

This was a good, fun read, well done! This works really well as a prequel-type, cut scene from canon, it’s got an interesting main character and it’s a good length for the plot you have. The highlight for me was how the Baron hints at how he understands Helena, knows that she’d like a quiet forest, and then when he tracks her down the dialogue and the way they duel tells the reader that he doesn’t know her at all and shows us what their relationship is actually like. I enjoyed the way you wrote duelling in general and I liked the ending.

If this was my story, I’d change two things. First, and this makes me a hypocrite because I struggle with this myself, but I’d cut out some adjectives and adverbs. The ones left would be much more potent that way. There were a few clumsy phrases in here as well, but another read-through and edit would fix that.

Second thing I would do is add something to the Baron’s person(ality). He isn’t bad at all, but he’d be more memorable and engaging for the reader if he had a quirk or a hobby or something about his appearance, expected or unexpected. You mention hunting a lot, so maybe something connected with that, like is he an amateur taxidermist and does he have compulsive thoughts about what she’d look like stuffed once he’s (un)successfully hunted her down and she’s dying? Probably a bit too fucked up, but for something sweet, maybe he’s a keen gardener and impatient to get back to his estate because his favourite rose (maybe a crossbreed of his own design with bluish, copperish petals) is about to blossom and he doesn’t want to miss it. Something like that would make this particular reader more interested in hearing his story.

 

Spoiler

So right off the bat we’re introduced to The Baron, a pool of blood and a town in Albania, so we’re already given the premise and the ending of the story. Unfortunately that had me looking for some sort of twist or canon divergence that never appeared. Instead all I have is a rudimentary sequence of events; introduction, fight scene and death.

The most built up tension is in the beginning, setting the scene in the pub and shaping the atmosphere with silence and dread, but the tension all bleeds away before there’s a real climax. The dialogue with Hugo creates a sense of urgency in the baron but doesn’t make sense. He’s got men-at-arms and a servant right there, why doesn’t he take them with him?

There are a number of odd word choices such as mahogany ‘seat’ instead of chair or throne, which also begs the question why there would be mahogany furniture in a pub. There’s also a few redundancies; lacero grazing his thigh is enough to know that it leaves a small cut. Likewise, ‘effectively’ baking the golem doesn’t need to be said when you’re telling us the effect.

As for the characters, Helena has the strains of a fleshed out character with the tone of her dialogue, but the diction reads very much like a child trying to sound impressive and archaic, especially with her ‘How dare you’ apropos nothing. The Baron, on the other hand comes across as simple, both in prose and in mind. I don’t get much sense of his personality other than his obsession with Helena.

Overall, you’ve done a good job fitting canon details in the right places but the entry lacks a hook and lacks depth. Everything that’s written on the tin is in the tin, and it’s largely telling without showing. Telling us he intended to distract her by throwing his knife is especially contrived. I can appreciate the simplicity and straightforwardness but I don’t find it particularly good.

 

Spoiler

It's an interesting enough place to take the story, and you had ghosts(to-be) and duelling.

The bad:

Your formatting was off, in a few places. It's really simple, but really affecting. Triple paragraph spaces where you don't meant to break the scene is distracting. Curtseyed rather than curtsied. Would've benefitted from a double checking before submission. At one point you slip your perspective briefly so that we are watching the Baron from the perspective of Hugo for a few paragaphs, and this is definitely not intentional (and if I'm wrong, then it shouldn't be).

Your dialogue is clunky, and you rely on 'telling'. "He felt a flare of anger", rather than "Anger flared", 'he felt his heart speed up', rather than 'his heart sped up'. You have trouble subsuming your narrative in your narrator. This is a mild thing, and in truth, labelling it anger would still not be a fix, but it's just the one I can remember without going back to quote stuff. You need to look out for places where you're dictating what your character is feeling as a judgment. Bah, I'll go back:

How would I go deeper into the perspective here?

"The ground was loose soil, with sparse lichen and a few wet blades of grass, cold on his knees as he examined the ground. It would do. He jabbed his wand into the earth and shadowy footprints appeared, crunching away into the forest. His heart beat a little quicker, and his mouth was dry. She was his."

The duel between Helena and the Baron was interesting, if a bit modern, including ?bint. I suppose it all felt a bit modern. The revelation that Rowena was on her death bed was something that I wasn't sure if he were lying about or not. It's a twist for Helena, not for us surely, so we should know whether he's lying or not.

The good:
It was a short and sweet story, and I think it set up a good arc for him wanting something, and getting it in a way that he didn't want. I can't say I particularly cared for them by the end though, it was just a bit too shallow for that. But it was logical and intelligible and I understood what was happening. It knew what it wanted to do and got in and out, which is always a commendable achievement.

 

Spoiler

Eh, I understand this is mostly personal rather than a valid objection, but something about the stylistic part of this rubs me in the wrong way. It seems like something with the tempo of the story is off, as if there are too many commas missing.

The narrative isn't personal enough for my tastes, as I kinda think that tragedy is always personal. It isn't in the rationale of following the love of your life around and then killing her, but rather the selfishness of it, the sheer refusal of letting go, the stubbornness to suffer alongside each other for eternity... It's an obsession and twisted sense of love, in my opinion, that you've wanted to highlight here in order to make the whole thing more intense, chilling, and ultimately, tragic.

But aside from my feelings about how this should be done, you did fairly well. It has all the right components of the story, and it doesn't leave me hanging, confused or unsatisfied. The whole knife motive is excellent, and that detail where Baron tried to stop bleeding even though he knew it was in vain is exactly what I am talking about. That's the strongest point of the whole story, as it's both absurd and tragic at the same time, and gives the story the depth that is missing. The following dialogue is then okay, and that I'll never leave you alone is dramatic enough, but the tragedy of the whole thing could be highlighted with the concept of freedom.

It's what Helena wanted, and it's what Baron denied her. Free of her Mother. Free of him. But unable to. Now and forever, even though he is the one in chains. A beautiful opportunity, right there, alas...

Now, don't get me wrong, this is fairly good, and I enjoyed the idea, but as you can see from my review, I'm kinda seeing what it could be and I'm pissed af that I didn't write it first (Not that I could write it better, but I just like the idea.) Anyways, cheers.

 

Spoiler: Two

A minor point. He noted, he thought, anything that indicates thought or reflections, just like dialogue, should be preceded and followed by a comma.

Ex:

There was nothing like a good wine, he thought, as he pressed a battered goblet to his lips


More importantly; this is the whole of the Baron’s story as per DH. It’s less than two hundred words.

Does your fifteen hundred word story add or improve this in any sense? Because if not, you might have to go back to the drawing board. (Hint, instead of just showing the scene the Grey Lady narrates, you should go back a little bit more. Why was Helena not willing to go with him? Why was the Bloody Baron so despised? That sort of thing.)

It’s decently written, a few typos aside (and no ‘bint’ plx), don’t get me wrong, but there’s almost nothing there.

 

Spoiler

It was solid, but the crux it falls on is missing a critical line. Why does she not do anything in response to a knife being thrown at her? Does she not raise a shield? Dodge? blast it out of the sky?
Presumably, given that its goblin made and you set it up that it was unable to be affected by magic, she should try to deflect it or block it with magic, and be surprised when nothing happens. That's what I think you were trying to set up.
From calling her a bint to her surprise stabbing could have a whole paragraph of new information, her reaction to his name calling, her deflection attempt. I get that we are seeing it from his perspective, but it would be great to have some of her verbal response.
Also, bint doesn't feel very old englishy swearing. Etym online puts it at 1855, which is fine, but it certainly was a jarring shift.
The bones of the story are solid, the Baron's character is well established by the opening setup. some more flavor in the forest, animals, wind, leaves, smells, the night sky, would be nice. It's helena's favorite kind of place, what makes it her favorite?

 

Spoiler

Technically, doesn't fit ghosts since they're not ghosts yet But I really like it anyway.

It's an interesting look at what a founders era fic could be. The bloody baron's characterization is decent. He's arrogant, violently angry, and greedy. What little we see of canon ghost!him is arrogant/remorseful, quiet and angry. Not as awful as here pretty much. His death changing him of course makes sense but perhaps having him think more about what he's done, showing more of the horror and regret he's feeling before he kills himself, would add more to the story. Picture him feeling remorse, thinking about how he never meant for this to happen, his honest love for Rowena, him thinking of killing himself to make up for it. The audience will start to feel for him, he's had a bit of a redemption. But then the greedy small twist at the end with his, "I will never leave you alone." would make more of a punch to the reader. It hits harder than him just having crazy eyes.

The beginning could be spruced up more. It's a lot of cliche words being used like scoundrel and arched eyebrow and yet he's just a cartoon-ish bad guy without even any of the pizazz. He picks up his knife from the floor and cleans it with a rag and sure he cares about his knife a lot but he couldn't summon it or anything? Not to mention 'hastily' putting it away. He's a bad guy, a noble? wizard, yet he's acting sheepish and not arrogant or with much presence despite you trying to aim for that with him, I think. With stuff like 'drinking out of a battered goblet', maybe have him transfigure it or add a bit more to why he's not complaining about how shit the pub is? There's just a lot more you could add to his character even in a snippet just by changing how he acts and careful word choice.