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The setup for this story is kind of expected one to say so, but having Lucius as a MC is something different.

I think his tone was well done concerning the dryness but I think it lacks some lip and sneer action, especially since it's set around OotP.The mission alone is believable but it is sort of side thing in the end, with Tonks bits actually consuming the most of the story. She's also a bit out of character in a way she would react to someone like Lucius, judging by the canon, but I guess you had to tweak them both a little to make the story possible.

The setting is made magical for new year in splendidly stupid wizard way, I like that, but the story is maybe not completely rounded, in my opinion. Almost there, to say so.

 

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Not bad. A few technical errors here and there, nothing too major - stuff like Lucius twisting his ring with his 'tumb' rather than thumb - but overall fine on that front. The setting has a few nice touches; I like the bottles floating around ready to refill, feels very Potter. What doesn't quite feel Potter is Lucius or Tonks...in Lucius' case, admittedly, it's perhaps less that him making preparations for losing the war is out of character, more that him having the opportunity to do so feels wrong. It's also hard to picture Tonks willingly engaging with him, even undercover. That said, it all feels like a believeable AU, one where the broad strokes remain the same but a few key details have changed. I wonder whether setting it just a year later might have worked better? I could certainly buy Lucius being more desperate by that stage.

 

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This one was rough, I'm sorry to say. Far too many times I was jolted out of the moment by a wrong or lacking word that made the matter come across rather stilted.

Lucius doesnt feel very in character even from the start. And I'm still a bit hazy on exactly why him attending the party is such a bad thing for him, to be spotted there? Shouldn't he have been in disguise then if it was that damning for his future under Voldemort?

The prompt was certainly there. Not hard to miss that much.

I think this one needed a bit more time and a beta reader to help nail down what you were going for. Clean up the grammar and charactarization, really narrow in on your goal with this, and it could be a good slice of Lucius' life.

 

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The opening line immediately seemed weird to me right off the bat, honestly. Lucius isn't the kind of man who'd just think that something is not "his thing". I don't think he'd use that wording, and I also think that he'd elaborate, which I'd encourage the author also to do. What's so objectionable about it? The fact that it's a press event? The fact that there's so many common people there, people of a lesser worthiness than Lucius himself? A missed opportunity, I think.

Similarly, I think Lucius "escaping" the Minister is also weird. This is the man he's held in financial thrall. Lucius must have planned something to say to the man, no? Allow him to shoot of a thin-lipped smile and a reminder of some business they'd agreed on.

And again - "had to admit they did a marvelous job"? "he could put his whole arm into it"? The Weird Sisters, who are IIRC a teenage-y rock band, playing during a Ministry Gala event? The "baldie"? It just runs counter to the sort of character voice I'd expect from Lucius. Think curt, think clipped, think witty repartee.

Lucius dancing with Tonks-in-disguise is the worst example, though, I think. I'll give you props for the tell that she "tripped over nothing", that's pretty well done. But the event itself is weird.

In the end, it does make sense that Lucius has set up a countermeasure even if things go wrong in the war. Rather believable, really. I don't really buy that this is the way he'd do it, though. The man's a dedicated blood purist whose only redeeming feature is his love for his family; trusting the goblins seems like not something Lucius would do. But then, I think that's the issue at the crux of this entire piece, really.

 

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With your opening paragraph and the giveaway reference, I thought for sure that this wasn’t Lucius at all but someone who had polyjuiced themselves into him. Not sure if that’s on purpose on your part, maybe setting up the scene for people in disguise?

I like your setting a lot and I think it’s an interesting time in the pottervere to base your story in. I agree that Malfoy would have made plans B and C to make sure he and his family and his wealth survives. I’m not completely sold on how Lucius is acting and speaking beyond that, and definitely not sold on Tonks. Their interaction together makes no sense to me, although I think you write with great finesse to show that the bald little man isn’t polyjuiced but that he is in fact in some other disguise. More of their respective established mannerisms would help, but I also think their conversation would be a lot more hostile on Tonks’s part and I’m sure Lucius would find her completely beneath him, would he even speak to her?

I like the details of the celebration, and I think it’s quite fun that it’s the Weird Sisters playing. This is exactly the band a slightly out of touch Ministry worker turned party planner would hire to try and make the Ministry seem hip and down with the times. It would be a tough gig and an awkward time for everyone, but that’s the way it is. Love the kegs of dragon barrel brandy.

 

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Big no no. It makes us confused as to who is speaking. Also went for a shrug is mid at best tbqh.

Big no no is unfortunately also my impression of this entire story. While the technical ability is there, and so is the prompt, everything else feels completely off. In fact, I would go as far as to say it's not well-though out. Forget about Lucius not acting like himself (throwing off the minister, his inner dialogue, his charming back and forth with his niece in law or whatever Tonks is, dancing with her - I'll remind you that to everyone else there it looks like Lucius just invited a fat bald man to a dance) and remember when exactly this snippet is taking place. This is Harry's fifth year, which means this story takes place literally a week after Arthur Weasley gets attacked guarding the prophecy and almost kicks it, which you'd think would color Tonks interaction with one of the men responsible for it. This is also not Harry's sixth year, when Lucius's screw-up prompts him to fall down Voldemort's esteem. This is when Lucius is at his peak being Voldemort right-hand man, leading his Death Eaters, and planning the mass Azkaban breakout which Canonically happens shorty after Christmas. Voldemort hasn't even moved into the Malfoy Manor, for pity's sake, he does that in the summer before Harry's sixth year, after Lucius screws up with the prophecy, and does so literally as a punishment. Canon Lucius is living his best life at the time this story takes place, thinking Voldemort is going to make him Minister once he wins, and even if he doesn't who cares because he's still rich and powerful and has the actual Minister sucking his dick. It makes no sense for him to be making contingencies with goblins of all (non) people at this particularly point in time. In Canon, Lucius only starts to reconsider his career choices once his son is sent in a suicide mission to kill Dumbledore, again, as punishment for fucking up with the whole prophecy expedition, and only turns at the very end to ensure his son's survival. None of that is congruent with what you wrote here, not even a little bit.

All in all, and in conclusion, git gud/5. Don't make me go on more autismo rants again.

 

Spoiler: Review

This is really a POV piece, giving us a character study on a more minor character from canon and letting us get to know them better. aWhich is unfortunate, because the one thing you really don't get right at all is your main character.

I'll leave the autismo canon compliance rants to better-educated and more naturally crotchety reviewers that can do it much better than I ever could. What thoroughly bothered me was voice. This man just doesn't sound a bit like Lucius Malfoy. He lavishly compliments the workers that did decor, even though I can't imagine Lucius sparing more than a single thought of 'Well, at least they can handle such menial tasks'. He draws humor from a chaotically enchanted alcohol bottle and the antics it causes, when I imagine a single bit of disorder should curdle his lips like milk. He is far too nice to Tonks. As in, so nice you would never guess she's a half-blood shame to the Black side of his family. He also uses the word baldie over, and over, and over again, when one usage had already strapped my suspension of disbelief onto a torture rack. These are not even close to all the examples, because the problems never really stop. Almost every line felt off.

I do like his opinions toward Narcissa. I appreciate that there's warmth there, even if I struggle to imagine prim old Lady Malfoy as a dance-floor demon. It would work a lot better if he were his usual snide self to those around him, though, so that there was a bit of contrast. I think he's a bit too warm toward Draco too, or at least too comfortable with his choice to make real sacrifices just his son's future.

From the first line these voice troubles are obvious. Really pay attention to phrases. "Hardly his thing" is just not language the Malfoy Patriarch would stoop to. Also, tumb. A typo in the first few lines is the worst kind, it leaves a really poor first impression.

Here's the bit with this extreme praise he's suddenly giving to menial workers. I ranted about it above, but yeah. Not a good move.

Honestly, I was going to do line-by-line stuff for most of the piece, but there came a point when I realized it just wasn't worth it. Too much is wrong and not enough is right. I honestly think the only way to fix it would be a complete rewrite-- if there's any fixing it at all, with the plotholes in the premise.

Thanks for entering. Better luck next time.

 

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This could be a great story, if it were not focused on Lucius. Engaging in chitchat with people of lower standing? Dancing with random people? Confiding in them? Lucius' arrogance and zealotry is entirely absent.

This is a terrible line for Lucius. You ought to have him play coy here.

His trust in the goblins, when he works for a cause furthering the purebloods at others' (including goblins) expense, is puzzling. Andromeda's betrayal was glossed over. Story needs more setup or some hint that this is not canon.

Oddly enough, philosophizing fits. A devoted Lucius works.

A few rounds of editing and corrections are needed, but it won't help your characterization.

 

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This story has promise, but was very confusing. I really liked your characterization of Lucius. I think you should work to 1) flesh out your other characters and 2) make your sentences clearer and less confusing.

I understand that your characters in this situation would speak discretely. However, if the exposition is so vague that the reader is unsure what is happening, then it's just frustrating.

So this is essentially a banking transaction, albeit a shady one. Is that it? Anticipating a wizarding war, Lucius is moving his money into the equivalent of an offshore trust fund. That's the climax?

Another thing. Tonks in this story didn't feel like Tonks at all. Not a single quip from her? She doesn't have a single sharp comment for Lucius? I understand that he has the upper-hand in this interaction, but I don't think she'd be able to help herself. The Tonkses would have never had any sort of rapport with the Malfoys, so why is she suddenly so quick to have a civil conversation with him? "Tell me about it" is a weird thing to say to a Death Eater. Yes, Tonks and Lucius are related, but I can't imagine Lucius was ever kind to her in her life.

I encountered a lot of run-on sentences with a lot of overly verbose language. Here are some examples, with my suggestions about how you could rewrite them:

For the pickier sort, bottles of higher stock floated around the crowd, gently prodding folks with empty glasses. One of them had gone rouge and had to be chased down by a couple of security detail.

Kegs of Dragon Barrel Brandy floated high above, charmed into stars on a black sky. Spirits poured from the stars, were you to raise your glass and wiggle it, without a drop spilled.

What are you referring to here?

a maintenance employee

Peg? Narrow down?

His would not do as beggars, like Weasleys. He had just ensured that, if Narcissa and Draco survived, they could flee in comfort.

 

Spoiler: Review

I like the characterization of Lucius. A man who loves his family more than anything, and wants to have an out just in case things go well. In this, you do well.

However, I have to agree with some of the other reviewers that the timing of this story doesn't make sense. It seems to be in OOTP, which means Arthur's attack. Tonks wouldn't be dancing with Malfoy at all. Plus, Lucius would have been at the top of his power and feel no need for escape.

This story should have taken place pre-OOTP. Perhaps GOF with the stirrings of the Dark Lord returning. You also need to have Tonks being a pretty young woman, not a balding man... as why would Malfoy be dancing with an older man. That would cause a lot of attention.

Overall, I like the story but the more I think about it, the more issues I start to see with it.

 

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I think this is well written. Personally, I think it suffers from lack of conflict, though. It’s one thing if Lucius is on a mission for Voldemort, and he encounters his niece. That sort of emotional reunion would’ve been interesting, but what ends up happening is just some chit chat. I think both Lucius and Tonks are out of character; Tonks is far too forgiving, and Lucius is practically Dumbledore in political disposition.