them.

I mean, okay, but... what?

Dumbledore using 'right' feels out of character, especially when you have Harry do the same in the next paragraph. I'd have ended it after earlier instead.

See, this is kind of my problem with this story on the whole. There's stuff happening, but no reason for why. Petunia can, apparently on her birthday, wish hard enough for magic to reach out and respond. Okay, that's neat, but then we suddenly skip (edit: realized I was reading the date wrong at the start, derp) and Harry's owl is talking and it's all part of some mystery that, as far as I can tell, is this: Don't ask Why, or Magic will answer in weird ways.

Which, I mean, okay, sure, that's abstract, but not in a clear or, really, coherent sort of way. And then Privet Drive vanishes at the end and I'm just left staring at my screen and wondering "what?" Harry realizing his aunt's a witch made the place vanish? I dunno man. I'm not entirely feeling this one.

With that said, and looking at the dearth of entries around here, I have to at least credit you for submitting.

With the meaner critiquing out of the way, I will go ahead and give you kudos for the characterization. Everyone felt pretty canon compliant, aside from that one 'right?' from Dumbledore that I already mentioned.

 

I really like this line, it comes at an appropriate time in the story and perfectly encapsulates its essence. My favorite sentence from this entry.

Conversely, the flow of the conversation between Dumbledore and Harry was off. This sentence especially:

Although Dumbledore's characterization is clear, his explanation doesn't clear anything up for me. It left me more confused than before, and for a long time I thought I was reaching the wrong conclusion because of the way the idea is put.

Frankly, this holds true for a lot of Dumbledore's dialogue. Outside of the usage of "right" that Zenzao pointed out above, it sounds like Dumbledore, but the obfuscation in his words goes too far. Dumbledore is cryptic, but concise.

Other than that, I really liked this entry. The whole idea behind it is incredibly fun, and I think you did a good job putting it to words.

 

so i really like the atmosphere you create in this story, especially in the first two sections. i really felt Petunia’s nervousness and Harry’s bewilderment and fear. you also have some great moments writing-wise: apt metaphors, good pacing and rhythm, characterization. but i find the plot to be a little lacking and confusing. by the end, i’m not quite sure why people forget Petunia, how it is she is a witch, what the connection to Lily’s birthday is. i know the prompt was abstract magic, but i feel like these parts are disconnected rather than abstract.

some more specific comments:

Spoiler

i like the quickness of this first sentence. it reminds me of the beginning of Sorcerer’s Stone. something strange is happening or going to happen and break through the Dursleys’ veneer of normality.

i like this seat belt simile. Petunia straps in her family because of whatever it is is bothering her. really adds to her characterization and to the atmosphere full of nervous energy.

you have a pronoun mixup: “him” should be “them.”

great and unexpected language when you say Petunia does something unusual then, “she didn’t reach for…”

The pacing and feeling of your writing is just great. the “very quietly” really makes Petunia seem sad, melancholic here. “Nothing happened” like the rubber gloves detail is very nice. it creates space for us to feel what Petunia feels. and the phrase “But sometimes, on this day, the day she was born…” has a sinuous quality to it that finally reveals why Petunia is so anxious. that ellipsis leaves so much unsaid but expresses so much.

great characterization of Vernon too. he has such a Vernon-ish reply. that storm and crash seems supernatural for Petunia, but he’s oblivious.

Good way to pace this bit of the narrative by breaking up the line. who knew clean dishes were so haunting? the “petals” simile is great too since Lily and Petunia are flower names.

after the break to Harry’s perspective the writing is a bit rougher and pacing seemed slow to me. i think here, so near the beginning of this section, the narrative slows down with these rhetorical questions.

i like this weird conversation with the Malfoy/Hedwig apparition. it amps up the strange, creepy atmosphere from the first part of the story. it took me a while to realize we were in Hogwarts since you mention that Harry wakes up in his dorm very quickly. although it being February, I should have realized it was during Hogwarts term.

- - -
the scene with Dumbledore had a rougher transition and seemed to move a little more slowly for me. why does Dumbledore forget what he’s talking about with Harry? also the enchantometers’ weight isn’t noted until the end of the scene, so why does Harry draw the conclusion Petunia’s a witch before he realizes that it’s the same as the Bones enchantometer?

edit: p.s. i agree with Zenzao and Utsane that the Dumbledore dialogue was confusing

bit repetitive and the second “it wasn’t until” is much longer so it doesn’t work well creating a parallel rhythm in these lines.

i feel like this last sentence and the ending as a whole comes a bit unexpectedly. Piers and Dumbledore have forgotten Petunia and the Dursleys, but why? and i know Harry wants answers, but his need for her comes very suddenly too.

thanks for your submission! i really enjoyed the writing in the first half of your submission and hope to see an expanded version of this.

 

Spoiler

Petunia somehow having magic (all along? since some time?) is interesting, but nothing really happens in the end. Petunia doesn't do magic until she does, at which point the world self-corrects past that for some reason once Harry realizes that's what's happening - maybe. Harry is taught no valuable lesson whatsoever except not to question things, which is a terrible moral for many reasons.

So... Yeah. What was the point of it all? Abstract magic was involved, but it leaves no trace, no mark on anyone except Harry, who does his best to pretend it didn't.

Like the others, I felt your Dumbledore was off. Leaving aside the magical core-weighing enchantometer (there was no better name available?) his speech didn't fit. And him getting his brain blasted by abstract magic without doing anything about it is weird - I expected him to take some measure against that, but he didn't and everything just sort of ends immediately. It's weird, and not really in a good way.

In summary, a 2/5.

 

Spoiler

I loved your Petunia scene. Petunia's characterization is great, and the inner conflict you chose for her is lovely. You do a great job building tension, and the scene's ending is magical and satisfying.

That scene accomplishes what your other scenes do not.

Your decision to give Hedwig the sudden, magical ability to speak doesn't really work, imho. Sorry, but it's just weird, not whimsical. And, besides, your story contradicts itself. Hedwig tells Harry not to ask why, but then what does Harry do? Immediately goes to Dumbledore to solve the mystery and have things explained to him.

Also, your characters seem to make some strange logical leaps in this story. For example, this:

Spoiler

“She told me not to question…” he licked his lips. “I suppose, it sounds even sillier to say this, but it’s like she read my mind. I was just thinking about the prophecy and how I survived the killing curse, and then Hedwig appeared. She said to not question things too much—that—”

is how Dumbledore figures out that Petunia has a little bit of magic in her? That seems like a stretch, even for Dumbledore. Harry's owl spoke to him, and therefore... Petunia can cast magic? I couldn't make sense of that. And I also don't buy a Harry Potter who is able to come to the Petunia realization so quickly, considering how vague Dumbledore is being.

My opinion? Have Harry and Petunia come to this conclusion together, not Harry and Dumbledore. Think about what an interesting, awkward, compelling, confusing, emotional conversation that would be! At the end of the day, isn't that what fiction's all about? Characters grappling with people and incidents that shatter their preconceived notions. I think you would accomplish that much more effectively by putting Harry and Petunia in a room together, rather than Harry and Dumbledore.

I think you want this interaction to happen, too. You hint at it in the last couple lines of your story. And, OK OK, perhaps Dumbledore needs to be in this story to connect the dots for everyone. But I at least want Petunia to be there when he does.

Sometimes people learn from these paradigm-shifting experiences, and sometimes they don't. Maybe Petunia and Harry would have that shared moment, and walk away better for it. Or maybe it would damage their nonexistent relationship even further. Either way, I'd be interested to watch it unfold.

--- Post automerged ---

Spoiler

I realize now that Hedwig's speech was a warning to Harry and foreshadowed the story's ending (the disappearance of No. 4 Privet Drive). This doesn't totally make sense to me, but I am intrigued to read more. This feels like the beginning of a story, rather than a complete story, and I think you sense that too.

 

Spoiler: Hello

I thought: better to review than not review, as I have read it. Apologies if this isn't very organised or useful, I intend to just ramble on and provide any meagre thoughts I have, better to get it out then never say anything at all. On a first read through, a few days back, it was very confusing.

I think there's a few things that have led to this, and most of all is that we're doing an abstract magic concept and mistaken it for fluffiness I think.

I get that the magic needs to be abstract, but your writing doesn't. In fact I think it actively should be the opposite, it should've been grounded, concrete and definite in every part. The contrast between the magic and world would've been sharper here. We could've better comprehended how it had hit the world.

I think your fluffiness comes from a few things.

Firstly, after the first scene, your phrasing and your perspective becomes imprecise. Just the narrative itself. You become a bit woolly once that first 3/4 of that first scene with Petunia is done. I think maybe you could've alleviated this with sticking with one perspective for such a short fic.

Petunia is the one with a wish, but Harry is the one who is confused and is trying to figure out what's going on. Whichever one you decide has the most compelling goal, and the most essential reason to pursue it, should be the one we see all the way through. A prologue isn't needed for this length of story, as it just means we have to sympathise then sympathise again.

I think the ending could've been done better. Truthfully, I only (kind of) understand what has happened because of the other reviewers. The concrete consequences of the abstract magic should be clearly laid out. It feels like you truncate the story prematurely. Harry finds his revelation, but not his answer, truthfully. He's only fully comprehended the result not the resolution, and denying us the resolution makes this unsatisfying.

I think there's two essential things to any stories:

1. Character - the progression of the character is the true point of the story. How what they have at the start, and who they are at the start, is different at the end. The more substantial the change in every feeling and circumstance the more compelling the story.

2 The Climax - the more inevitable the story feels, the more that a hundred thousand possibilities were in fact, in retrospect, only ever able to lead them here - once they get on the roller coaster - the more satisfying it is. The best stories I've ever read are those where the story ends in a way that it felt like the completion of everything that made up that character. Difficult, I'm sure, in a fanfiction of established characters, but aim for it and fall short and it can't be a bad thing.

I think the essential problems of your story therefore come down to A) Weak structure/progression of the core concept, and 2) fluffy technical writing.

I hope this gives you something to consider, and helps in the future. All the best!

 

Spoiler

I'm going to get the negative out of the way first, here, because it's really just one fundamental thing: it ends before it begins. There's a lot of really interesting potential here, and nothing happens with it. If this were to be continued, I'd...well, knowing myself, I'd be very pleased to see that happen, and fully intend to follow it, but eventually forget about it; the point is, there's the basis for a really good story here that never quite gets going. It's a prologue at best, a story concept at worst.

But! Fully on board with an adult Petunia somehow awakening latent magic within her. Weird and wonderful magic rewriting lives/memories, prompting Harry to investigate a mystery? Hell yes. Talking Hedwig seemingly outside a dream? OK, that one I can take or leave, but it's a nice scene in and of itself.

Technically fine, but there's some odd details which, to be fair, might be in relation to the mysterious goings on, or simply down it it being more of an AU than the obvious - Sirius's death seeming to have happened by the end of February, rather than the end of the academic year being the main one. The Dursleys having turkey in February is very much a niggle, but struck me as unusual.

3/5 as is, but like I say, I'd love to see more.

 

Spoiler

I really liked this entry just because of the beginning and how eerie you made it, Petunia being able to do magic one day of the year? Thats definitely abstract, but then you didn't build upon it and instead went with Harry's POV, I'd have liked it if it was just Petunia(excellent characterization by the way) and then Harry at the end finding pivet drive is gone. The open ended ending was alright but there needed to be more buildup to it imo. I think Harry could have panicked a bit more then he did, he should have freaked out when Dumbledore forgot everything because at that point he thinks Dumbledore could handle anything.



I'd really like to give this a better rating but I can't give it anymore then 2/5

 

Spoiler

I guess it's just a bit too short.

You spend quite a bit of time building up to the framework of a mystery, but we don't see much of the mystery itself before the story ends. I really enjoyed the beginning bit with Petunia, but it feels like it sort of cuts off before Harry really starts to unfold that layers of what's happening. I think you could have gone two ways with this, either a) spend more time building up the exposition to make the ending more meaningful, or b) expand on the story to create additional exposition for a different ending.

And I guess the plot would be better off if it was more circular. I think it would have been much more fitting if it closed off with Petunia, rather than with Harry, because the story feels like it's more about her than anything else.

also sentient Hedwig??!?!??!??!?!?!?? I have no idea what that added to the story. I guess it's some sort of abstract magic in a sense, but again, the story's about Petunia, isn't it? I don't see why it's necessary for Hedwig to speak. It's kind of secondary to your narrative, but you spend a bit too much time on it.

 

Spoiler: and then there were none

Strongest opening by far. I really liked the characterisation of Petunia in this story (your interpretation of her character), particularly enjoyed the dishwashing scene, but then we got to talking Hedwig and that felt like a bath of ice water but unfortunately I couldn't turn the faucet back. Initially I thought Harry had gone mad but unfortunately that did not seem to be the case. I will not elaborate all the ways in which that particular plot device was awful, others have been kind enough to do it for me. I suppose it lends itself to the strange atmosphere of it all (and very strange and very well done it is) but I just can’t take that image in my head seriously. Also the end was suuuuper abrupt. We have no space to breathe in between Dumbledore somehow realising that Petunia is a witch and then forgetting all about it for some reason. If this were a chapter one of a story I’d understand (though a barebones chapter one it would be) but it's not really a standalone story as far as I can tell.

Lastly, a few things I picked up on.

Spoiler

Right of the bat this doesn't sound like Vernon. He’s too nice and too well spoken. I am immediately suspicious that this is someone under polyjuice (joking, but only to a point).

unwrapped them

silenced an nonexistent, and thus by definition, silent, onlooker? this whole phrase is weird.

I really like the imagery, but I think it would be even better if instead of the generic ‘light of the television’ it were the actual program playing (or the reflections of the figures on the tv).

Do phoenixes snore? For both our sakes I hope not.