Epic-fail PM fails epically

Aerin · Mar 21, 2008

Have the character killed by Snape's falling corpse.

Andro · Mar 21, 2008

What would be the opposite of being adopted/the son of Snape?
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http://forums.darklordpotter.net/showthread.php?t=8823

KenderCleric · Mar 21, 2008

Here's what I might respond with; it was written mainly out of boredom. /shrug

Dear Brainless Fangirl,

Thank you for taking the time to send me a PM regarding your challenge.

I always enjoy wasting precious time reading the drivel that halfwit fangirls like yourself manage to come up with. Luckily, during the brief moments I spent actually reviewing the digital feces that was your message I sustained no permanent brain damage. My lawyer is saddened, but I’m sure yours will be thrilled.

Now, onto the matter of your challenge let me begin by saying: thank god you know you’re not much of a writer. I can only imagine the mockery you would make of the English (or any other) language in your attempts to put your ideas into print (be it electronic or other).

First, in regards to your friends telling you that your challenge would make a good story; I feel I must be the one to illuminate a harsh reality to you: your friends are idiots or liars, or perhaps both. I suppose it might also be possible that they too are mentally challenged fangirls like you. Regardless, either possibility negates any potential feedback they provide as being worthwhile.

Next, your plot concept has been weighed, measured, considered, and found lacking in the extreme. While most authors would be content to simply tell you “no”, or perhaps an emphatic and expletive “no” such as “I wouldn’t write this pile of shit if you paid me you dumbass”, I feel that I owe you more than that. You should, at the least, suffer an amount of wasted time equal to my own in reading your PM. So let us examine exactly why I wouldn’t write this flotsam even while attributing it to Satan.

Starting from the beginning we have the single most obvious flaw, and fecal-focal point, of your plot. Severus Snape should never be used as a paternal character to any other. He is not a character that can have familial bonds or adult emotions attributed to him. The character is simply far too much of a little emo bitch who can’t move past being bullied in High School. His mental instability and stalker-like behavior toward Lily Evans further precludes him from ever having any sort of healthy relationship with Harry Potter. While I could continue further with this explanation I’m certain that your pre-teen love affair with Alan Rickman prevents any rational thought on the subject from breaching the protective bubble of idiocy you have around topic.

Moving on we come to the issue of the Malfoy family “being like his second family”. Given the correct plot, setting, and characterization this perhaps could, by a suspension of common sense, work. However, in the setting and circumstances you elude to here this plot device flatlines before it even has a chance to take a breath (and the people rejoice).

After further reviewing the rest of the drivel you defecated into a loose semblance of plot I have decided not to bother with further clarification. I shall, instead, be succinct in my closing summation.

Your pathetic little schoolgirl crush on Alan Rickman and Tom Felton has addled what little grey matter you may have once had. This unfortunate state of your mental faculties has lead you to conceive of a plot where-in every character of worth is demeaned by being forced into relationships, behavior, and sexual confrontations, that even Satan himself would wretch over. It is clear that all you desire is a homoerotic, pornographic, story featuring Rickman, Felton, and Radcliff. Why pretend you seek any true literary influence in your mind numbing fantasy?

Perhaps, rather than wasting the time of authors who might actually accomplish something you should simply visit www.nifty.org and rot what little intellect you have left on the sort of homoerotic tripe you seem to be so interested in.

Please feel free to not write me again,
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Blaise · Mar 21, 2008

TheInquisition said: ↑

Has no one read the win that is The Potter Tradition of Red?
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Methinks thou hast stumbled upon Ye Idea of Genius!
Just read the thread; everyone who hasn't seen this should follow that link NAO.

Rahkesh Asmodaeus · Mar 21, 2008

Why thank you, Blaise.

The Doctor · Mar 21, 2008

Mindless said: ↑

Hand it over to the Doctor and his anti-slash terrorists. They'll know what to do.
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I've got a better idea. I'm going to email this bitch, set up a new FF account, and shit out the largest pile of solid fail in human history.

I'll call the account "HarryDraco4Eva!" to put the fangirls off track.

Just imagine the first chapter:

Seven-year old Harry James Potter gazed up at the foreboding building in front of him. His Uncle pushed him forward roughly, and he hesitantly knocked on the door.

A male opened the door. The first thing little Harry noticed was how handsome the man was; billowing black hair framed his face, his dark eyes hiding a hidden warmth. Harry could see a muscly chest again the white singlet he was wearing. The the man cracked a smile, and Harry returned.

He held out his hand. "I'm Harry Potter, sir."

The stranger shook it, giving him an appraising look. "My name is Severus Snape. I was a friend of your mother, you know."

"You knew my mother?" Harry asked eagerly.

"Oh yes," Severus said. "She was a lovely lady." He glared at Vernon. "You may leave now," he said coldly.

Severus escorted Harry inside his house, and brought him to the Living Room. A fire was in the grate, illuminating the photos on the wall, most of which were of a young woman with red hair.

"What do I call you?" Harry asked suddenly.

"I don't know. How about Daddy?"

"Ok," Harry agreed. "Daddy, what's that in your pocket?"

~~~~~~

Dun dun dun!!!!

Sorry guys, had to do that! lol you'll have to wait for the next chappie!

Eloise.*
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*That's assuming I can't come up with a crappier name for myself. Mercedes? Destiny? Hope? Placenta?

Jenkins · Mar 21, 2008

This is too good an oppurtunity to waste, somebody absolutely has to write this, DLP style.

Why would she PM Shezza about this kind of thing though?

Mordecai · Mar 21, 2008

Really Shezza, take it s a compliment that you're 11th on her list.

And that 50,0 thing is to do with ff.n cutting off 0's, its mucked up a few of my reviews/flames before.

Dcotor, genius. That snippet was so amazingly better than what a fangirl who was being serious about would write I'm still laughing.

Viper · Mar 21, 2008

50,0 words and 25 chapters?

Kender : She mentions MPreg! You cannot forget to bash MPreg in the reply.

Doctor : Hilarious work.
As for the suckish name, try Titilanda or Tatyana or Desdemona. All Mary-Sue names I've encountered over the years.

Big D on a Diet · Mar 21, 2008

Here you go, Sheeza... send this to the bitch.

Dear SnapePotter

I'm quite flattered that you would pick me out off all of the available authors to complete your opus. For a story of this quality, It will be my honor to put all of my own work aside so that I can submit to your muse. Frankly, just between you and me, I was planning to delete Denarian Knight once I got to 1000 reviews anyway, just to fuck with people, so this works out nicely.

However, I did feel the need to make a few minor changes to the plot that you sent me, in order to better bring it into line with my own writing style. They're small enough that you might not notice them, so I took the liberty of putting them in bold for the sake of convenience.

Please get back to me at your leasiure concerning your thoughts on these changes. Thank you.

Sheeza

I have a challenge for you. I really do enjoy your writing, so I thought you would do justice to the plot I have. I am not that much of a writer, I never have been. So, that is why I am asking you. So I really do hope you accept this, and will write this story. I've thought about this plot but I never
really thought it would be a good story. But my friends say it sounds really good, I just need some fine tuning.

Ok, so it’s a four part story.

The first part of this story is where Harry comes and brutally murders Snape with a fucking meat cleaver and how his twitching, mutilated corpse grows into Harry’s personal toilet, as he repeatedly empties his bowels and bladder all over it . How Harry did it for the lulz and how Snape deals with being a shit-covered dead body with Harry’s urine filling his gaping, empty mouth and such. You can pick if Harry decides to set Snape on fire and roast marshmallows over his charred corpse whilst whistling a jaunty tune. Also the Malfoy family are secretly being pimped out to muggles by Dobby, who has discovered how to enslave humans and is preparing to launch a bloody war of conquest against the house-elf oppressors, in the name of the great and wonderful Harry Potter. Both Harry and Draco were never raised together because that’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve ever heard of, but Harry does end up selling Draco’s body to Hagrid’s brother Gwrap, who ass-fucks him to death, then eats his blood and cum stained corpse. This makes sense, because all Malfoys are raised to be cum dumpsters in front of everyone (i.e. mean, except Narcissa, who Harry takes as his personal slave, and who’s only job is to tongue-wash his asshole after he takes a shit) but be hide close doors Lucius is busy making money sucking cocks at a muggles-only gloryhole. They are
loving the way Harry and Dobby treat them, because they know that the only other option is to be ass-raped by dementors in Azkaban.

The second part is how Harry develops a relationship with dozens of wet, horny witches, and how they come when he plays with their clits and such. Where Harry comes into Daphne Greengrass’s mouth, as the rest of the Slytherin girls play with his balls and he also finds out the he’s not fully human and that he has creature blood in him. (You can pick if he’s the hair of Chuck Norris, Spider-Man, or Elvis.) Draco also finds out the he’s burning in Hell with white-hot barbed wire wrapped around his cock and balls, and not fully human demons are raping his mouth and ass, and that he has creature sperm in him. (More specifically, in his bowels, where it is growing into a spike-covered baby demon, who will tear its way out of his ribcage when it’s ready to be born) Both Harry and Dobby grow and learn about life's lessons and how serving the Light is for pussies and emos. This part of the story is where Draco is still in Hell being forced to breast feed his new demon baby while Harry is chilling by the pool with all his bitches They learn about blumpkins, ass-to-mouth, donkey-punching, ballsack bandit masks, double penetration, and such. By the end LV should be peeling the skin off of anyone who dares to call him “LV”, and they are ready to start the muggle apocalypse when the third part of this story comes into play.

The third part is where Harry, Dobby, Winky, and the all of Harry’s whores get transported to a different world. They learn that Neville is the real hero of the story, who fucking pwned Nagini with a sword and bravely led the resistance at Hogwarts while Harry was off camping in the woods with a broken wand. In this world their Snape, Draco, and the Malfoy family are all dead so it saves Harry the trouble of having to kill them again, even though he does kick his alternate self in the balls for naming his poor, innocent son “Albus Severus”. They help and destroy LV, but not without taking the time to feed Wormtail to Crookshanks and disturbing Dumbledore by telling him that he’s really gay. By the end they return there own world. Also Lily, James, Sirius, and Remus are all rotting in the fucking ground.

The fourth and last part is where the Malfoy family has there unhappily everafter. Draco is turned into a demon brood mare, pumping out new soldiers for the Army of Hell and nursing them with his bloody nipples, while Lucius chokes to death on a particularly large muggle cock and Harry takes away Narcissa’s toothbrush, telling her that if she didn’t like the taste of curry squirts, she shouldn’t have become a Death Eater. This is about family and lulz and trying to pick little pieces of corn out of Narcissa’s teeth.

1. This is also a Lords/Lady theme. Guess who the fucking Lord is! Bow down before the power of Longbottom, motherfuckers!!!!!
2. Fucking of H. Granger, and Molly W. Ron stays a virgin forever. Or, better yet, dies horribly.
3. Ginny is LV Lover/Whore, but no one holds it against her because her mother set such a bad example.
4. Percy is a serial killer clown.
5. Each story is has to be over niiiiiiiinnnneee thhhoooousand!@!!!!
6. This is a Dumb and Retarded story. With poor spelling, no plot, and abuse of the English language. "Moronic" rated.
7. Umbitch and Fudge smut scene is required!!!! U/F 4eva!!!!
8. Granger is whoreing herself to Harry and to anyone else he wants. (As you can tell I really think she’s hot and wet.)
9. Mpreg also at some point. (Draco with the demons, remember?)
10. Harry and Dobby are both physically, mentally, politically, and magically powerful.
11. Harry and Dobby never went to Hogwarts or any of the European School. They come all over McGonagall’s saggy titties when she asks them why they didn’t receive their letters.
12. Oh and of course they all have to be in-character. (Good luck with that, smarty-pants!)

So, what do you think? Would you be up to the challenge, where many couldn't handle this? If not, then could you tell me who might be interested in it? I have asked 10 people about this challenge and all the response I got was vomit on my shoes.

So what do you say, are you up to the challenge?

~ SnapePotter
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Aerin · Mar 21, 2008

*Rib shatters from laughing*

Oh fuck that was classic!

That was epic WIN!

yak · Mar 21, 2008

Big D on a Diet said: ↑

Here you go, Sheeza... send this to the bitch.
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Hell, yeah.

It's a funny flame and insightful. I actually want to read that story.

Yak.

Darius · Mar 21, 2008

LOOOOOOOOOOL BIG D - good stuff man.

Shezza, dont let this cunt distract you from DK.

I never thought Id hear myself say this but...even the lulz arent worth it this time.

Humbolt · Mar 21, 2008

Big D that was fucking hillarious, you made my day.

If you wrote that I would so read it.

Pure win!

Shezza · Mar 21, 2008

Ah, so many different replies that I could send. Tomorrow, I'll merge them all into one and send them off- with an end-tag of "From DLP, with love". I just hope I get a reply back....

BigD: I was giggling over my keyboard for about five minutes when I read your post. So, yeah, good work

fash · Mar 21, 2008

as a response why dont you just link to this thread?

Randeemy · Mar 21, 2008

This is the funniest challenge of all time. It has absolutley everything we all hate so much, and to quote Eric Cartman "I'm not just sure, I'm HIV positive"

Big D on a Diet · Mar 21, 2008

Thanks, guys. I'm particularly proud of "Percy is a serial killer clown". Personally I think that's the funniest sentence I've ever written.

I've got a bunch of other things I'm trying to work on during my vacation, including my Daphne/Susan wet t-shirt contest one-shot, which is pretty close to finished and I hope to post sometime today, but ideas for this one keep creeping up on me. For example, I'm pretty sure that it's going to begin with Harry receiving a letter informing him that Snape is really his father, which makes him curse God and go batshit insane. And Narcissa's probably going to end up wearing some kind of leather g-string and dog collar combo with little chains attached to nipple rings while she acts as Harry's personal bidet.

Blaise · Mar 21, 2008

Giggling maniacally, and I don't care who knows it!

@ Big D: When I hear that some useless teen cried herself to death in front of her computer screen, I'll know whom to send the thank-you note :-D

malwastyle · Mar 21, 2008

Big-D that was hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing!

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Hi there, Guest

Epic-fail PM fails epically

Aerin Seventh Year

Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

KenderCleric Lord of Plot Bunnies

Blaise Golden Patronus

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Big D on a Diet Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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Humbolt Seventh Year

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fash Seventh Year DLP Supporter

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Big D on a Diet Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

Blaise Golden Patronus

malwastyle First Year

Epic moments in HP fanfiction

The Good Seven-Year Fanfic Epic Saga: A Crumple-Horned Snorkack?

Harry Potter Character Tags and Traits

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DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Epic-fail PM fails epically

Aerin Seventh Year

Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

KenderCleric Lord of Plot Bunnies

Blaise Golden Patronus

Rahkesh Asmodaeus THUNDAH Bawd Admin DLP Supporter

The Doctor Unspeakable

Jenkins Forum Bike DLP Supporter

Mordecai Drunken Scotsman –§ Prestigious §– DLP Supporter

Viper Fourth Year

Big D on a Diet Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

Aerin Seventh Year

yak Moderator DLP Supporter Retired Staff

Darius 13/m/box

Humbolt Seventh Year

Shezza Renegade 4 Life DLP Supporter

fash Seventh Year DLP Supporter

Randeemy Headmaster DLP Supporter

Big D on a Diet Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

Blaise Golden Patronus

malwastyle First Year

Epic moments in HP fanfiction

The Good Seven-Year Fanfic Epic Saga: A Crumple-Horned Snorkack?

Harry Potter Character Tags and Traits

Epic Fantasy

What happens at your drawing board?

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