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WIP Equilibrium by Jon (Surarrin) - HP/SW - T

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by Nuhuh, Oct 2, 2015.

  1. Republic

    Republic The Snow Queen ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Wait hold up. Can I just offer my surprise at this? I'm surprised to hear that you made a conscious effort to speed up pacing with this, considering how many people (including me) have expressed issues with the amount of words to actual stuff happening.
     
  2. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    It didn't work as well as I wanted for a first try. I'm much more comfortable meandering along. Unfortunately a lot of people have made the comment that not much has actually happened yet and we haven't reached the plot. That isn't necessarily correct from my pov, however I do understand that I haven't been blatant about it and have prefered to layer foreshadowing instead of obvious hamfisted plotshaping.

    It's something I'll have to work on either when I continue, or when I start my next thing.
     
  3. M.L.

    M.L. Groundskeeper

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    I'm a huge fan of all star wars, and this is one of the best star wars fics out there. Ahsoka has great characterization, Harry is fun to read, although his devil may care attitude seems rather OOC. The universe really seems to come alive.

    5/5
     
  4. Tartarus

    Tartarus Second Year

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    There are very little good HP and SW crossovers, but this one is surely one of the best. I love the Ahsoka and Harry interaction, although I have to agree that not a lot has happened as far as the plot goes. But even with that in mind it's 5/5 from me.
     
  5. Eiri

    Eiri Banned

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    I think the pacing issue could be more severe than you think. The published version on FF.net currently has 4 chapters and a prologue, and that has covered 2 of what you might call "arcs". That might sound decent with a cursory glance, but these arcs haven't clearly established what might be the main source of conflict, threats, or even what the motivations of the main characters are. This is a problem because at 42k words, that's more than half the length of the Sorceror's Stone. Some stories can certainly be extremely long, so the oft cited ideal novel length of 80k-100k doesn't have to be a limiter on your word count, especially if you're structuring it multi-volume or epic length story like Harry Potter; however, if I pick up a book, I expect to be drawn in to the story before the first quarter passes.

    As a fanfiction story, and a crossover at that, there are some other factors also at play, which means that those readers familiar with both canons will have a different perspective from me. I personally am not familiar with the story and world of Star Wars, so I cannot empathize with Ahsoka so readily. All I have on her backstory is what you've given me, and it isn't much. If I could really understand what was going on with Harry, that might be helpful, but your Harry is also quite different from canon. I can't see what his motivations are (he seems interested in history and artifacts, but why?), so I can't empathize with him either. Your readers that have a good grasp of Star Wars may have a better understanding of what future threats will come, and how Harry may affect the events of that world, so perhaps some are more willing to read on so they can see what changes will be wrought.

    It's always good to keep some mystery around your characters, and I get that the story is being written from the perspective of Ahsoka, who doesn't know much about Harry. But, because Ahsoka herself has no idea what she wants to do, the story is effectively being driven by Harry. Yet, you made the choice of skipping an indeterminate amount of time from Harry's arrival to the Star Wars universe, on top of giving him an unknown backstory, so the result is that you have a story about a "lost" person following around somebody that is searching for unknown items for an unknown purpose. I'm forced to wonder if your future arcs will be more of the same, except in different places. If your arcs themselves were very exciting, then perhaps it wouldn't be a big deal; however, it seems like Harry's magical powers can solve any problems they meet, so there's nothing to look forward to there, either. You've dropped hints that there could be conflict with the Sith or the Jedi, but from Harry's known feats (ie, easily defeating Darth Tyranus), it doesn't seem like anybody would be a serious threat to him.

    Ultimately, without a looming conflict, without characters I can empathize with, without riveting action scenes, there just doesn't seem to be anything making me turn the page (or press the button).
    In my opinion, this story would be better served if you had written portions of it from Harry's POV, or perhaps provided more information upfront about Harry's activities since arriving in the universe. Alternatively, you could have some scenes on how other entities are reacting to Harry's presence or Ahsoka's departure from Coruscant. I think that cutting down on the actual arcs themselves wouldn't be effective, because most of the interactions between Ahsoka and Harry are valuable to see.

    I give this a 2.5/5 for the technical writing, characterization, original story arcs, and world-building. It could go up to 3 or 4 with better pacing or as the plot thickens in a few more chapters, but it's too early to put it in the Library.
     
  6. Kulusioman

    Kulusioman Squib

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    One of the best HP/SW crossovers.Love the characterization of Harry and Ahsoka.Their interractions are pretty fun to read too.

    5/5
     
  7. trollolol

    trollolol Third Year

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    Its easy to fall into a trap of inflating ratings when something is written by a DLP author. I'm mainly just a lurker but even I find myself feeling more interest and attraction to things written by members here. So that said, and trying to be as objective as possible, I would give this story a 4/5. I think it is about as good a blend of the HP/SW worlds as you could hope for, and technically speaking I have no complaints whatsoever. I am not so wow'd that I'd give it a 5, but it is an easy 4.
     
  8. Darknova29

    Darknova29 Squib

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    4/5 Definitely. This has been a great summer for HP/SW crossovers. Does any 1 know if this is going to be continued?
     
  9. SmileOfTheKill

    SmileOfTheKill Magical Amber

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    I was attempting to think of the best way to write what issues I had with this story. Instead your entire review did it for me. I will instead contrast this story with another story that does nearly the same thing, but loads better.

    Right now the story is a romp. It reminds me a ton of the story Seven Village Stomp. It had a massively overpowered character in Ranma and his father. They accidentally steal a very important child and a clan heir. How did they do this? They attempted to crash a wedding of the said clan, and the reason why was for bloody food. Once they get caught, they steal a ton of food from the buffet and accidentally steal the children hiding under the table the food was on. Then they escape after a ninja fight and it is amusing fun.

    The point being is that story is fun. The stuff that happens is funny and the characters are having fun. Like Equilibrium, the characters are confused about how they hell they changed across worlds. The difference is vast however. Seven Village Stomp has the PoV of the main characters from Ranma, so they are relatable and funny. Their conflict they get into has a more clear cause and effect. The fight scenes are also more entertaining even if they are as broken as Harry is here.

    If you are going to write a story that can be described as a romp, you need to have bloody fun with it. A confused character being confused while following a confusing person is not fun. This is assuming your story is a romp though. Assuming it is not, you need more of a reason to care about what is happening in the present. I already assume Harry will 'win' as one would say, so the journey is what I care about... but the journey is not fun.
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2015
  10. darkklight

    darkklight Squib

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    Story Review

    Star wars and Harry potter crossovers are always amazing to read. The writer was able to draw me and differentiate his plot from other star wars overs (except one). The grammar and writing style were overall good and the writing has a good flow to it. Though I believe that this fanfic seems similar to "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For" by kathryn518. Overall 4/5.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2015
  11. andy50

    andy50 Groundskeeper

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    As normally a big fan of Jon's work, having really enjoyed Abjuration, and while not at as much i enjoyed Devil you know. This fic just didn't do it for me. Not exactly sure why, but it I had some interest in it at first, but it slowly died out after the first few chapters.

    3/5
     
  12. Lady_Dirsa

    Lady_Dirsa Squib

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    First off, I am happy to see a HP/SW crossover featuring Ahsoka. She is one of my favorite new characters of the Clone Wars series. There are few Star Wars fanfiction stories I enjoy and are of decent quality. While I have never been a huge fan of crossovers, I am interested in seeing where this one will go.

    That said, I agree with a lot of Eiri’s review. The pacing of the story is a bit slow. The main conflict and where Harry fits in the larger conflicts of the galaxy are unclear to me. With Dooku dead, will the Confederacy collapse without him as a leader/figurehead or will a different leader emerge? What is the status of the Clone Wars? As for Sidious, Dooku’s early death likely hinders his grand scheme. Will Harry have Sidious to contend with? That brings me to Harry’s purpose in the galaxy: are his motivations even related to the Republic vs. Confederacy and Jedi vs. Sith conflicts?

    I certainly don’t expect this all to be laid out immediately, but with this many words on ff.net I would expect some hint as to main conflicts or what Harry’s purpose and motivations are. Though I appreciate mystery, there is just not enough information on Harry for me to empathize with his character. At this point, I am more interested in Ahsoka and her journey than Harry’s purpose.

    As it stands, I give this a 3/5. It is too early for the Library. Still, I am curious to see where this story goes and look forward to future updates.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2015
  13. Lungs

    Lungs KT Loser ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    As to the passive and active voice stuff, (I think it's been discussed before, probably on irc, probably years and years ago) it's very clearly misused by people who have this hard-on for the english-class style of writing. The interplay conveys a narrative far better than active voice. Stuff happens to people. People do stuff when stuff happens.

    As to this... it's simply another story that will never be... abandoned. I believe.

    I don't know much about Coruscant itself (or much about the star wars universe), but rereading it again (read it early september-ish) I'm a huge fan of the imagery and the history of the places under the surface I guess.

    I think I do agree with the reviews who say that Ahsoka's character is a little inconsistent, but it's one of those things that didn't bother me until it was pointed out, kinda like being told that you can see your nose.

    Overall, I'm a fan.

    4.5/5 D:
     
  14. Duryodhana

    Duryodhana Scrub

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    A rather good story in my opinion. Harry, though seems to be a little Dumbledorish although its bearable.
    I also like the setting and the authors take on what Harry would do stuck as he is with no knowledge of how he got there.
     
  15. Nicovi

    Nicovi Third Year

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    This feels like one of those fics that get better the longer into the story you get.

    I think the dialog were well written and suited their characters (not that I would know of Ahsoka canon character, but I already feel like I have a grip on 'this' Ahsoka).

    The 'magic' joke joke got old fast and I still can't get over the strangeness that is the beginning (Count dooku), but then again I assume its just me not getting the joke. The hologram message from _____ felt a bit careless/random and seems rather unrealistic.
    A sith lord that have been trying to hide his existence doesnt do random calls. He acts through his minions, so it felt rather uncharacteristic of him. But then again it could all be a plan way to convoluted for me to grasp...

    I really like the exploration part of the story and wonder what they will find out on their current planet.

    All in all so far I'll only give it a 3.5/5 for now, but based on the more recent chapters it could increase.
     
  16. syed

    syed Supermod

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    I personally want to see the council messed with. I have this image of the council receiving magical portraits of previous Jedi masters and Sith Lords. The ubject having epic battles, and huge arguments with every person they encounter.
     
  17. KingChaotic

    KingChaotic Squib

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    A fantastic story so far from what ive read, ive read enough fanfiction that im pretty much disillusioned to major changes in Harry's character but Surarrin does it quite well. Its too early in the story to have a very solid opinion though. So ill save deeper criticism for a more developed story if that happens.
     
  18. Yenroch

    Yenroch First Year

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    [As for the rules, I'm not entirely sure as to if this counts as necro-ing. I believe the rules don't apply to library threads?]

    Before officially starting the review, I’d just like to say that this story was just what I needed in the short period of time I have free in the day. To Jon/Surarrin I’d like to say thanks.

    Now then, as the popular saying goes, start with the beginning.

    We’ll start with the prose.

    The author knows how to write. That is clear. The grammar, spelling, and phrasing of all sentences all adds to the pleasure of reading a story with a plot that you like.

    But that is not everything that a story requires to be worthy of praise. I’ve read a few stories with a writing-style that is right on the spot, but the plot and characterization required a lot of polishing.The first chapter does not- as is the norm for the general fic that you’d pick up on a random day- only give a premise, but it gives a powerful insight into characters that matter.

    The character of Dooku for example, is portrayed with an impeccable resemblance to the CW character, which I suppose, is the one thing that immediately had drawn me towards the fic. The way the author chooses to phrase the lines, put pauses in the dialogues, and have Dooku do things- such as this line:

    And,

    All of this screams Dooku to me. I can imagine him doing all that, and that is one of the most powerful things good writing can make you do. It can automatically project an image into your mind.

    Moving onward, the switch of perspective from Dooku to Ahsoka- or well, the changing of emotions from Dooku to Ahsoka since the story is in third-person- is not an idea that I was averted to.

    [I suppose I’ll read anything that is written well enough]

    Ahsoka’s perspective does not just serve to be a few pages worth of lines that are full of angsty-teenager shit [Not to say that the betrayal wasn’t something that required that kind of reaction] but rather it highlights her position in society.

    From Jedi to someone that is- as the author would perhaps agree to- lost.

    From someone that could easily force people to act the way she wanted to someone who could barely force someone to clap their hands. From someone that had the backing of some of the strongest individuals in the galaxy… to someone that could only depend on herself. That idea appeals to me. A one man[Togruta?]-army. Now because I’ve only read the first chapter, and due to the fact that I am going to savor this fanfic by reading only a chapter a day, I’ll post the reviews of the latter 4 chapters later, although I predict that the review won’t change that much.


    5/5

    TL;DR: The story has an appealing and interesting plot, and has been executed by the author in a way that makes it something worthy of praise. The characterization and description of things though, is what really makes it something that I just want to read more and more of.

    Definitely something I enjoyed reading after coming back to fan-fiction after 2 years.

    ~ Yenroch
     
    Jon
  19. Jon

    Jon The Demon Mayor Admin DLP Supporter

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    Aw, you make me blush.
     
  20. Yenroch

    Yenroch First Year

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    ^_^

    Glad to have been able to do so.
     
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