Fanfiction's Worst Reviews

Moridin · Jul 7, 2010

Inspired by a posting in the worst summaries thread.

The review that started this:

Chi-Chi1324
2010-07-07 . chapter 1
I am liking this! Please continue.

Chi-Chi Away!
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And it appears that Chi CHi was just returning the favour:

Hey Chi-Chi1324,

Fantastic story. Poor Harry, married to Severus and having to consumate the marriage just to protect himself. I can see that Severus is starting to care for Harry, but both of them being forced to consumate the marriage, I can see that pushing Harry over the edge,emotionally. Voldemort wanted Lucius to marry Harry,so that Voldemort could destroy Harry,didn't he? Can't wait to find out what happens next. Thanks,lightnshadows
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The scary part is that if I had not noticed the subject matter, I would actually appreciate the grammar...

Another one from the same story

OMG TT_TT Poor Harry TT_TT Stupid Fudge and Malfoy TT_TT UPDATE SOON you know you want to ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

love peace and chocolate ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

Blessed Be ^_^ ^_^ ^_^

Cazzy ^_^ ^_^ ^_^
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Different story, same subject apparently

OMG OMG O-M-G ! I love u for writing this story !

It's sooo good ! Love it !

I really like it more when it's in Snapes pov XD It's much more funnier ! Lol the voices in his head ! To funny !

Im soooo waiting for the next chap. ! YAY !

U are really good at writing aren't u ! I mean it's really good !
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Another

Harry is so mature in this fic. I like how Severus is not too OOC. 3
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In case you are wondering, the summary for the story in the last review is

Severus Snape is forced to marry a mute Harry Potter, who has lost his voice after his latest clash with Voldemort. It is through touch, in many senses, that Severus and Harry slowly get to know each other...
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Any others?

Shinysavage · Jul 7, 2010

Some gems from my own stories...

This one rather creeped me out:

Oh, and I forgot to add. I have seen a 'dream' in which I died -not in a nightmare-ish context, mind- and the first thing I thought when I woke up -Oh, I think I need to explain a little bit;

I was shot in the head, and darkness was creeping in. I touched my forehead only to feel the hole in my head -I was shot with a sawn-off double-barrel, hence the hole - and blood's warmth. The moment I was sure I had died, I woke up.

When I woke up, my heart was beating furiously and it took a little time to realize I was alive. So, before I checked out my surroundings, I was more focused on my own body, my heart's beating, the feel of the sheets, etc.

I think it's not common to dream of your own death, so I hope it gives a little bit of insight.
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This one just made me lol:

Harry isn't a half-blood; he's a full blood wizard because both of his parents were magical. The muggle born are those with no magical parent at all. Hermione is a muggle born. Half-blood's have one only one magical parent. Seamus Finnegan is a half blood. A full-blood has two magical parents like Harry does. A pureblood has no no muggle blood in their lineage. That's what Ron is.
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A review that has helped me improve on every single aspect of my writing:

=)
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I think the best review I've ever seen was for one of my collaborative stories, where an obvious troll simply left an entire poem from Through the Looking Glass. Sadly, my co-author appears to have deleted it

Sesc · Jul 8, 2010

... I could have sworn we had a thread like that, and I posted my shittiest-reviewer ranking there. Can't find it, though. Was it baleeted for some reason? Anyway, back then, I think it used to be; AthenaKitty, TxAGunfighter and riegert8. If you read reviews, you might recognise the names.

However, recently, I've come across a new abomination. It calls itself "ROBERT-19588", and has claimed the top-shit-spot. Forget AthenaKitty and her bad soap-cliffhanger-question-reviews.

This guy has made it his task to flatulate his unwanted opinion all over FF.net (Google lists 500 alone), that is, recommend only the shittiest and most cliché plot devices as "ideas" authors could use. He owns some sort of sentence data-base, from which he only needs to c&p respective parts of the reviews together; which makes them easily re-usable and ~~shitting~~ fitting for every story.

His House-Elf fetish pales in comparison to that, but let's start off easy:

Haat needs to get a Magical tent.

Harry needs to get Dobby & Winky to help him.

Harry needs to find out who his True friends are.
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Are Dobby & Winky & Hedwig going to be in this story?
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Here, he got his wish:

Harry should have gotten a Debet Card that worked in both the Magical and Non-Magical worlds so he did not need to goto Gringotts to get money.

I am glad Dobby is helping Harry.
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What is this guys fixation with Dobby? But ignoring that now, you'll see his shit truly hit the fan(-fic):

The fallowing ideas and questions I have, are not ment to tell anyone how to write their stories. I like characters that think, thats why I have the ideas that fallow:

Harry needs to get Her Royal Majesty Queen of Britain, Canada, Australia, New Zealand, Jamaica, Barbados, the Bahamas, Grenada, Papua New Guinea, the Solomon Islands, Tuvalu, Saint Lucia, Saint Vincent and the Grenadines, Antigua and Barbuda, Belize and Saint Kitts and Nevis, The Duchess of Edinburgh, Princess Elizabeth and Princess Elizabeth of York, Elizabeth II to help him.
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And you can feel your brain starting to dribble out of your ears.

The fallowing ideas and questions I have, are not ment to tell anyone how to write their stories. I like characters that think. Thats why I have the ideas that fallow, use them or not:

Becouse Harry and others are at war, or Harry goes back or is somehow sent back in time or goes to a diffrent dimension, or gets transported into another Universe, he needs to have a Special Magical Trunk made, and he needs make sure his Special Magical Trunk is with him, as well as have a skills and heritage test run on him, and if he has any blocks or tracking spells on him, and have a look at his parant's Original will(s).

Harry's Special Magical Trunk (S-M-T), can look like (A Ring, A Neckless, Etc.), some of protections on it are, blood based security wards, it can NOT be stolen, can not be dummend, can not be opend by others that are not key in to use it, Etc. The Special Magical Trunk is Multi-Compartment Trunk that has compartments for diffrent uses:

One compartment will have a copy of EVERY Muggle & Wizarding book written in a Library compartment, a weapons compartment, a Information compartment (with all the WINNING: Lotto numbers, Sports Stock Information, and any other Information needed), a compartment for each vault at Gringotts each S-M-Trunk owner has, a compartment for each Non-Magical account they have, a compartment for a house (with unlimited food, Etc.), a compartment for all properties both Magical & Non-Magical that are shurnken to fit into the compartment, Etc. If Harry can only take back is memories he can make sure he knows: ALL the WINNING: Lotto numbers, Sports Stock Information, and any other Information he can find.

Harry's Special Magical Trunk always be brought into a story as a FLASHBACK.

I hope Dobby & Winky help Harry as I like them.

I hope Harry will be paired with:

Hermione Granger

Luna Lovegood

Fleur Delacor

Gabrielle Delacor
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Still reading? I was having a nervous fit of laughter. Perhaps it was the "fallowing." So then, the crowning piece of fail. I shit you not, that is his review (and there are hundreds more exactly like it).

The fallowing ideas and questions I have, are not ment to tell anyone how to write their stories. I like characters that think. Thats why I have the ideas that fallow, use them or not:

Harry needs to goto Gringotts and have a look at his parant's Original will(s).

Harry needs to goto Gringotts and have a skills and heritage test run on him, as well check for any magical Blocks and tracking devices on him or his thangs.

- Harry needs to see what skills he has that he does not know about.

- Harry needs to see what other families he is relatd to, IE:

Arthur Pendragon, Godric Griffindor, Merlin, Etc.

- Harry needs to see what blocks (on his magic or himself, any tracking devices or spells on him.)

- If Harry finds out he only related to the Potters, at least he checked.

Same goes for the Blocks and spells, if he finds none, at least he checked.

Having Harry check at Gringotts would be normal for anyone.

Harry needs a list of all the business (both Magical and Non-Magical), properties, money, stocks, bonds, jewels, as well as anythang else he owns.

If Harry is Lord Black, Harry needs to nulify both Narcissa Malfoy's, & Bellatrix LeStrange's marages, as well as disowned them from the Black family, as well as the getting the dowries returned to the Black family, and any prophet from any Black family money they revived, as well as bringing Tonks and her parents back into The Black Family, if they can be trusted.

As Harry is heir of at least two of the Hogwarts Founders (or should be), Harry owns Hogwarts, he needs to fire Dumbledore and not alow him to enter Hogarts ever again, as well as NOT allow anyone who has the Dark Mark to ever enter Hogwarts or any one who created the Dark Mark, or anyone that means harm to the students at Hogwarts, to ever enter Hogwarts!

Harry should also be Lord Slytherin by conquest, as Harry defeated Thomas "Tom" Marvolo Riddle, Jr. a/k/a "Lord Voldemort", by destoring Thomas "Tom" Marvolo Riddle's, Jr. a/k/a "Lord Voldemort's" physical being as a child and again his (First, Second) year(s) at Hogwarts. Harry needs to cast "Thomas Marvolo Riddle, Jr." out of the Slytherin family foever.

Harry should be Lord Griffindor, as Harry pulled Lord Godric Griffindor's sword from the Sorting Hat.

Harry should use Godric Griffindor's sword in the war agenst Voldemort & DumbleDORK.

Albus Dumbledore as well as Minerva McGonagall and Hagrid (Minerva McGonagall did not stop Dumbledore from Harry going to the Dudleys, as well as kidnapping Harry, and Hagrid brought Harry to the Dudleys) needs to made to do HARD labor, without using his Magic in the Goblin mines till they DIE, for putting Harry with the Dudleys, as well as, if ilegial blocks and or spells were put on Harry by Dumbledore, as well as the Dudleys to goto prison for what they did to Harry.

EVERYTHANG that Albus Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall, and the Dudleys have need to be given to Harry, for what thay have allowed to happen to Harry.

- Hagrid just needs a good warning about what he did to Harry on Dumbledore's orders as Hagrid is a smiple trusting person. It would be good if Hagrid could finsh his Magical schooling.

- Albus Dumbledore put Harry with the Dudleys, so Albus Dumbledore is just as responble as the Dudleys for how Harry was treated by the

Dudleys, as Albus Dumbledore was an accessory to how Harry was treated by the Dudleys.

Fawkes needs to unbond with DumbleDORK (for what DumbleDORK has done to Harry and others) and bond to Harry.

In the Harry Potter and mostly in the Fan Fics Dumbledore never gets in trubble for what he allowed Harry to go through at the Dudleys or at Hogwarts.

Snape needs to goto Azkaban for all the thangs he has done to Harry and his family.

- Snape over haeard the prophecy and repoted it to Voldemort, thus puttig Harry and his fmily in danger.

I am glad Dobby is helping Harry, I would like Winky to help Harry as well.

With all the thangs DumbleDORK has allowed to happen to Harry, Harry and his TRUE friends and Daphne Greengrass and her family need to leave the UK so Harry and his true friends and Daphne can train.

Harry needs to make Everyone who are not Harry true friends address him by his full titles when talking to him and Harry should not answer them unless they use his full titles when they address him (Harry making people use his full titles will make DumbleDORK & Snape extremly upset.).

If Harry is forced to return to Hogwarts, Harry should NEVER goto any Detentions he is given!
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There are no words. I feel like crying.

Blazzano · Jul 8, 2010

There was a review for Perspicacity's Dagger and Rose that I mentioned a few months back. It's definitely one of my favorites of the year, so here it is again. From anonymous reviewer "your ok," who will probably go on to have a successful career editing The Elements of Style :

you do know that adding s at the end of the word makes it plural, never mind bad question on my part, if you new that then you would not use a sentence like; "Hermione reddens with the comment, but nods to the Headmaster and stands to leave." see how bad that sounds, a good way to phase that sentence would look like ;Hermione's face turned into a bright shade of red at the comment, but she noded to the Headmaster who got up to leave. It may not be the best sentence possable, but it flows alot better than your's, that is your main promble you suck at grammer and makeing you work flow, you are good with ideas and conversations, i think i could get behind your work and love your work if you would just fix your grammer
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Mercenary · Jul 8, 2010

blazzano said: ↑

There was a review for Perspicacity's Dagger and Rose that I mentioned a few months back. It's definitely one of my favorites of the year, so here it is again. From anonymous reviewer "your ok," who will probably go on to have a successful career editing The Elements of Style :
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Oh wow. Thats like one giant run on sentence plus incoherent grammar as well...

Rin · Jul 8, 2010

you do know that adding s at the end of the word makes it plural, never mind bad question on my part, if you new that then you would not use a sentence like; "Hermione reddens with the comment, but nods to the Headmaster and stands to leave." see how bad that sounds, a good way to phase that sentence would look like ;Hermione's face turned into a bright shade of red at the comment, but she noded to the Headmaster who got up to leave. It may not be the best sentence possable, but it flows alot better than your's, that is your main promble you suck at grammer and makeing you work flow, you are good with ideas and conversations, i think i could get behind your work and love your work if you would just fix your grammer
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Oh ferfuckssake. Someone kill it with fire.

Any chance on a direct link to the review? I'd love to e-mail them a correction of their fail.

Oz · Jul 8, 2010

Some reviews for my trolling.

For 'Can't Give You Up' (my rick-roll):

Obama Momma said:

What the fuck is this shit?
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LiteraryAtrocity said:

Thanks for wasting my time with you idiotic attempt to give a written Rick Roll. You're pathetic. Go off yourself. The plonkers who believe this is some original well-written work of art are almost as fucking moronic as you.
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Perhaps my favourite one. The vitriol! The rage! The srs bzns!

Culle-Girl-4-Life said:

Uh, this is a bit sad. All you did was typed out the lyrics to "Never Gonna Give You Up", which is a song. This isn't even a story, or poem, or whatever you called it.
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DistractedButSerious said:

Hahaha, Harry and Edward that's funny!
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(S)he also favourited it, me, put me and my story on their alert list (even though it was marked as complete?) and doesn't seem to have read it at all. They later removed it from their favourite list of hundreds of other Twilight fics. ;_;

Blazzano · Jul 8, 2010

Rin said: ↑

Oh ferfuckssake. Someone kill it with fire.

Any chance on a direct link to the review? I'd love to e-mail them a correction of their fail.
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The review is here, but since it's anonymous I don't think you'd be able to go so far as e-mailing anyone, alas.

Rin · Jul 8, 2010

blazzano said: ↑

The review is here, but since it's anonymous I don't think you'd be able to go so far as e-mailing anyone, alas.
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That's too bad, but I guess cowardliness is all you can expect from such a stupid review.

On the few times I've reviewed fics, I did so under my account and accepted replies. Fuck them.

iLost · Jul 8, 2010

shinysavage said: ↑

Oh, and I forgot to add. I have seen a 'dream' in which I died -not in a nightmare-ish context, mind- and the first thing I thought when I woke up -Oh, I think I need to explain a little bit;

I was shot in the head, and darkness was creeping in. I touched my forehead only to feel the hole in my head -I was shot with a sawn-off double-barrel, hence the hole - and blood's warmth. The moment I was sure I had died, I woke up.

When I woke up, my heart was beating furiously and it took a little time to realize I was alive. So, before I checked out my surroundings, I was more focused on my own body, my heart's beating, the feel of the sheets, etc.

I think it's not common to dream of your own death, so I hope it gives a little bit of insight.
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I about had a heart attack. God damn! LOL. Weird coincedence this is. The person who posted that. No-name, writes just how I used to when I left reviews on ff.net. Over use of hyphens, disjointed thoughts, etlc...

To make it even more bizarre, I actual left a review like that, detailing a dream where I died. I actually thought that WAS my review, till I found it and saw the date. LOL. I left my review around the turn of the millennium.

Still bizarre.

Ceebee · Jul 8, 2010

Sorry guys, I think this series of reviews has to take the prize. It gave us many lols on IRC.

Reviews are for Nuhuh's Retsu's Folly HP/Bleach story.

Lupus O'Fluna said:

Hi, this has defonetly sparked my intrest, it has well writen cariktors and well thought out plotline, the way you pase the story is just about right and the motevathion behined peoples acthions seem ok.

where I'm woryed about this story is the power levels... harry seem's to be way to powerfull at the moment, though Itchigo had simeler power he was lacking the controul to use it propoly while Harry seems to have this controal and that worrys me, god-like/super caretors make good storys crap and tends to ruin it for me.

I also think you may need to use more poetic devises in your wrighting, for instens insted of 'he glow with silevery light' when discribing Harrys glowing body you could have used somthing like 'his shon as if he was the sun, but incased of a hot saltheres light like that glowing orb in the sky he stod, wraped in ethreal moonlight so thick that it made all things around him glisen in his silvery shadows' this sort of thing helps the reader 'see', 'hear', 'smell' etc the inviroment around them and though that might not have been the best exsampel I hoped It helped to get acros what I'm triying to say.

Its a realy good story, keep on wrighting;

Lupus O'Fluna
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Lupus O'Fluna said:

Good chapter, defenitly intresting chose for a zampacto you had there... make shure not to overpower it though it should still be at a shinki power level so what I hope youve done is made it so that the more blood it 'drinks' the stronger it gets and cose he killed 100 or so thugs it was a bit more stronger then ushel.

I love the relathionship between Rangiku and Harry it was realy well worked out and set up... hope Kenpachi sarvives, he might have a good funy relathionship with Harry and generely well done

Lupus O'Fluna
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Lupus O'Fluna said:

As I said before this fic is good but runs the high risk of making harry a super-harry. As I've said to many wrighters before harry is realy not how most wright invishen him (Inderpendent, strong, intelegent, Hirowic, brave etc) he's realy 'just harry' (a normel, shy, kind, and reletivly brave boy who is thowen into a world of adventher, fame and challenge he never wanted but never realy had a chose in so just did the best he could to be as happy as he could; he realy isn't a 'shining prince in armer'/Hiro/whatever you call it... he could be anyone and thats his charm).

but apart from those littel things this is a grate story, keep it up:

Lupus O'Fluna
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Oz · Jul 8, 2010

Oh shit, someone post the "May your sword stay sharp" reviews Nuhuh got. They rocked! xD

iMessing · Jul 8, 2010

Originally Posted by Lupus O'Fluna
Hi, this has defonetly sparked my intrest, it has well writen cariktors and well thought out plotline, the way you pase the story is just about right and the motevathion behined peoples acthions seem ok.

where I'm woryed about this story is the power levels... harry seem's to be way to powerfull at the moment, though Itchigo had simeler power he was lacking the controul to use it propoly while Harry seems to have this controal and that worrys me, god-like/super caretors make good storys crap and tends to ruin it for me.
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I really pity those people that try to leave honest reviews but are hampered by the inability to spell correctly :| Nevermind typos

but still lulz all around at the other 'reviews' .

EDIT :Ninja-Snipped

Iztiak · Jul 8, 2010

his shon as if he was the sun, but incased of a hot saltheres light like that glowing orb in the sky he stod, wraped in ethreal moonlight so thick that it made all things around him glisen in his silvery shadows'
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I lol'd at this line. It's just... Wow. ;]

Trojan Knight · Jul 8, 2010

Amy Ehren
2010-07-07 . chapter 2

I can't help but giggle a little maniacally as I finish the chapter. Harry's never gonna know what hit him... But it's gonna be sexy. Hehe.

I can't wait for the next three parts. And hats off to all the workers on the story, including the beta. (I absolutely hate having to give reviews, especially to a beta'd story, where I point out grammar, misspellings, or comma errors.) I didn't see any errors, which really makes me feel relieved and happy.

Although I'm actually kind of surprised that neither Harry nor Draco (especially the latter) has made any kind of comparison between David's flying at first and Neville's, it makes sense as to why not in this chapter. The first thing I thought, though, was, "Oh goodness, Neville's poor protege."

Keep the smexiness up, I love it! ^3^
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smexiness?! Can anyone tell me which two words are blended there? Or is it just a typo?

I can never understand these fan girls.

Kari Black · Jul 8, 2010

Smut and sexiness maybe? I'm not sure.

Skeletaure · Jul 8, 2010

I just got 3 reviews in a row from the same guy, one "kalo beng", and he's... a bit odd. Either that or a prominent DLP member trolling me. Either way, here goes:

Review #1

Story: Yes, Minister

Wowsers! This deserves all the rep points it can get at DarkLordPotter! Kai
Shek will be green with envy! Tell the Pirate King I said "Hi"!
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Review #2

Story: Harry Potter and the Lords of Magic I

Wow! More rep points due to you at DLP! Giovanni, Death in a Pink Boa, and
Sree will be including you on their favorites lists, even after that little
kerfluffle back in '06!
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Review #3

Story: Return ABANDONED

Abandoned? How will Pro-Tom, The Physician, and Lord Fingus react ? Most
distressing news for the DLP Gang!
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As you can see, he has something of a fixation with DLP. I'm having trouble remembering the guys mentioned in the 3rd review though. "Pro-Tom" rings a bell, but the other two I don't remember at all.

Trojan Knight · Jul 8, 2010

Taure said: ↑

As you can see, he has something of a fixation with DLP. I'm having trouble remembering the guys mentioned in the 3rd review though. "Pro-Tom" rings a bell, but the other two I don't remember at all.
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Probably a poor chap buggered by DLP crew.

LadyKitti · Jul 8, 2010

You know what I hate...reviews that ask the author to make the story a certain pairing. I especially hate it when they ask the pairing to be slash when the author has expressly said Harry will NOT be gay.

The Honorable Incitatus
2007-09-08 . chapter 5Lol. I like this story a lot. I have to say I was a bit disappointed when you mentioned in an AN that Harry would be straight. XD

Anyway, great plot! I love the originality!

Ckarrine
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RRW
2007-10-22 . chapter 14I agree. Great Chapter. Hey, now we know Dumbledore was gay, I say the more, the merrier. Don't just stop with the Weasley twins. I think slash makes a story so much more interesting.
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Obsessive Child
2007-12-14 . chapter 23again, another Amazing chapter, keep up the good work. I simply love your story, and hope that this will be a HArry/Ginny, simply because I can't stand HArry/Hermiones. I'll add this story to my favs if you DONT make it a Harry/Hermoine. *pleading eyes* Please make Voldemort fond of Harry as a father would... please... *Sirius' famous puppy eyes* Well, update soon. If you actually do read your reviews, indicate that somehow, or I won't think you do!
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I mean come on..is it the AUTHOR that's writing the story or is it the reviewer. This isn't a choose your own adventure story.

ummyea
2007-12-17 . chapter 23PLEASE dont make this into a ginny/harry story it is overplayed please im sorry for not leaving a real review but the story seemed fine and im not good at editing
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Then don't bother to review! gosh

Butterbutt
2007-12-22 . chapter 24 OMG There are TWO of them *babble gurgle drool* HOT! Twice the Tom , I LOVE it.

You know what, that's not fair. Cuz now I'm thinking "Harry Sandwich" and you already told us that there won't be any lovin'. *sigh*

Fantastic twist. This story is beyond words.
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Sigh this REVIEW is beyond words..

Moridin · Jul 8, 2010

Taure said: ↑

trolling
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Nah, looks more like a troll to me, especially with all the 'inside references'.

DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

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Fanfiction's Worst Reviews

Moridin Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

Shinysavage Madman With A Box ~ Prestige ~ ⭐

Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

Blazzano Unspeakable

Mercenary Snake Eater

Rin Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter

Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

Blazzano Unspeakable

Rin Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter

iLost Minister of Magic

Ceebee High Inquisitor

Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

iMessing First Year DLP Supporter

Iztiak Prisoner DLP Supporter

Trojan Knight Third Year

Kari Black DA Member

Skeletaure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

Trojan Knight Third Year

LadyKitti Second Year

Moridin Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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DLP Flash Christmas Competition + Writing Marathon 2024!

Hi there, Guest

Fanfiction's Worst Reviews

Moridin Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

Shinysavage Madman With A Box ~ Prestige ~ ⭐

Sesc Slytherin at Heart Moderator

Blazzano Unspeakable

Mercenary Snake Eater

Rin Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter

Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

Blazzano Unspeakable

Rin Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter

iLost Minister of Magic

Ceebee High Inquisitor

Oz For Zombie. Moderator DLP Supporter

iMessing First Year DLP Supporter

Iztiak Prisoner DLP Supporter

Trojan Knight Third Year

Kari Black DA Member

Skeletaure Magical Core Enthusiast ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

Trojan Knight Third Year

LadyKitti Second Year

Moridin Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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