Wait so this isn't a quality review?

I'm not sure I want to live on this planet anymore.

..you douche nozzel donkey ride-ism perverted scoundrel.

 

Mashed potatoes are the basis of any civilized society. Everyone knows that.

 

Mashed potatoes made the British Empire strong and tamed uncouth tribal barbarians.

 

This is odd because a "Fusion" is a specific type of crossover... but by the definition with which I am familiar, that story is not a fusion. So they're bitching barking up the wrong tree.

If it were a fusion, HP and LoTR would be blended so that they both existed in the same world. Hogwarts would be a magic school in Middle Earth. Muggleborn kids in Gondor would be getting owls with letters, telling their parents to hitch up the wagon and journey to Hogwarts in September. Dumbledore would know about Gandalf and, likely, the reverse would be true. The Wizengamot would be arguing about whether elves are magical beasts or beings.

And this would all be normal because these characters and places have always been in the same world together.

Spoiler

The closest this story comes to being a fusion is that, at the end, we find out everyone goes to the same afterlife.

But, hey, that's just the definition I know, of made up shit on the internet.


Pro Tip: Usually fusions are shit. I don't want to read about Hogwarts: School of Bending or Hogwarts, the Jedi Academy.

 

Warlocke, how 'bout reversing the fusion? Instead of replanting Hogwarts in the Middle-Earth, stick Barad-dur in the Middle East.

 

Oh god, not again.
I had hoped beyond all hope,
haiku threads were dead.

 

Not quite a fanfiction review, but fits better than creating a whole new thread:



For one of my YA books. The internet, it knows how to sting.

 

Holy shit, ouch Joe. D:

 

Anton Ego on critics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-brgtjwq4k

Keep fighting the good fight, sir.

 

Why would you slam an author that hard, and yet give them two stars rather than one?

 

Heh. It's why, as an author, it's best to almost avoid reviews entirely and just get to work on the next one. I mean, take a look at this one for my other YA book, Crystal Force:



...would've liked those stars, mate. Heh.

I developed a thick skin over the last decade with fanfiction, but original fiction is a whole new type of blade.

 

"So in general, it deserves more than the stars I give"

...But when I went to click "5 stars". I got a popup from the illuminati (turns out they control Amazon too, of course) saying that my review would be rejected unless I toned it down a little. Not a lot, just a little.

 

I'm not going to post it here because it's far too long, but check out PaC's review of The Rise: https://www.fanfiction.net/r/11495129/3/

It even got its own thread on Reddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/HPfanfiction/comments/3mrkbw/

As summarized by a redditor:

At the time of writing, the review was almost as long as the fic itself!

 

I saw that, and I'm stuck between morbid fascination and laughing at the absurdity of it all.

 

The nature of reviewing

 

This one, for its sheer level of off-topicness and irrelevance:

https://www.fanfiction.net/r/1995083/0/2/

 

Were they even reading my story?

Line by line:

1. Sure, When a Veela Cries isn't for everyone. No problem there.

2. Um, okay?

3. I love this one. It's the "read the next two chapters and learn why" issue.

4. ??? I thought it was pretty clear in the text there were literally hundreds of Death Eaters in my story. Oh, and also, see #3 for clarity.

5. Because no dying man would entrust a fourteen year old to a legal adult capable of protection him?

6. I guess I should use paragraphs of exposition, rather than leave it vague and let it become part of Harry's overall growth in understanding magic.

7. 1000s of Horcruxs . . . what? Can anyone who read my story tell me where I even hint at that?

------------------

I sent the reviewer a PM basically saying what I just said, and inviting him to re-read the story, but this time, actually read what I had written, rather than what he thinks I wrote, and to let the Author actually tell the story.

Doubt I'll ever hear from him again.

 

I'd forgotten why the reviews of 'A New Man' could be so tiring to read through. I knew there was a reason I never bothered to read them.

Thank you, Guest, for your insight. I had, until this moment, been hopelessly misinformed!

Guys, the gaping plot hole! Okay, so you have to squint a bit and assume Harry actually cares what a couple of muggle academics are waffling about, and you have to assume that they're totally cool with telling a complete stranger the details of their work but that changes nothing! The story is ruined FOREVER. And God forbid you try to try to make a story "cool", fucking scrub.

Every story should be a joyless procession of grimdark and dark sarcasm. I have seen the error of my ways.

 

I kind of concede the point on the first issue this reviewer raised, because other people have complained about Sirius getting captured, but the other two? First one is completely ignoring the context of the entire chapter that scene is in and the last is just stupid Ron-hate. I was not at all surprised to see praises towards Harry/Ginny shipping and Ron bashing listed as a favorite trope in the user profile.

Just ugh.

 

Don't you love how sometimes it feels like they're reading a completely different story than what you've written?

Also, just sayin', if they think putting up a protest against CR!Harry's homicidal lifehacks is considered whiny, they're right psychopathic cunts themselves. This dude is not well-adjusted.