To create suspense, of course

This is the worst summaries thread, so when you read my intro and notice the spoiler box you're expecting extraordinarily bad stuff. Your stomach starts fluttering, your brain cells are step-dancing in anticipation of the worst imaginable or even non-imaginable abnormalities ever ejaculated by a fan-girl-boy-neuter. While you're shivering in delight upon what might hide behind the spoiler box, your trembling hand is reaching for the mouse/trackball/keyboard/whatever. At first nearly missing the correct buttons/keys/whatever, you eventually manage to highlight the area, and then the blank black field is suddenly replaced by a bright, framed text. Your eyes are hurrying over the monitor, your braincells adding up hundreds of pixels to characters, characters form syllables, syllables form single words, several words, an incomplete sentence. The process barely lasts a moment - for you it's like an aeon, but finally, finally the result is returned to your consciousness ...

And all you get is some HP-DM-BZ mpreg-stuff with a twist.

 

Title:Eventually
Author:sabeybaby
Summary:A girl becomes friends with Remus Lupin and stuff happens.

http://www.ficwad.com/viewstory.php?sid=36560

 

I saw that. "Stuff happens". Wow. Real attention-grabbing.

 

I really don't know what's worse.

The title: hold on a sec, I need to throw up.
The author's name: I don't know why it sounds so utterly ridiculous to my ears... Or is it the fact that a male came up with such tripe? A teenage girl, at least, would have had the excuse of a sudden rush of estrogens.
The summary: ... *goes back to the bathroom. Apparently, stomach isn't empty yet.*
The word count: 4798 words is one chapter, not seven.

One of the nine reviews this crapbag managed to get:

Airhead yourself, you stupid dimwit. *mutters French swear words under her breath* You can't breathe? Okay. Good start. Don't start breathing again. Thank you.

I may even take a look at the story, just to make sure it deserves a post in the awesomely bad ff thread.


EDIT: I just found a little gem, among the stories written by aforementioned dimwit:

...Throw herself off a cliff. And quick.

SECOND EDIT: The dimwit's profile is a gold mine!

No shit. How could a fight between James and Sirius involve Lily? Oh the originality... And I certainly don't have to read it. My civic duty is to boycott it.

And a certain author needs to drive out of a certain head a certain idea according to which she can write. Especially if she writes one chapter before stopping and begging for ideas.

Added for the title (how well this sums up the H/G romance: new title is needed indeed) and for the mentioning of "one-shot" in the summary, while there are two chapters.

THIRD EDIT: I just took a look at the 2nd chapter of this last fic, which is, in its entirety:

...

 

Well, not only are this guy's summaries bad, the fics are bad too. So he's two for two.

 

What a disgrace to the greatness of parodies...

Ooh, discovery-channel-esque! So this Hermione critter's habitat is the library of Hogwarts? "Carfully" I suppose, based on the prefix and suffix, means "in relation to a car" or "in a carlike manner". Well, if this isn't a slight at mysterious men...

... I wasn't aware that Voldemort had a nose to pick. Scary thought.

 

Title:Ritual of Control

Author:wimvincken [Exciting:2] Reviews - 12

Summary:Voldemort manages to enslave Harry Potter to three Slytherin girls. Some Gryffindors fight it and join the Slytherins. By saving him from enslavement, they all need to 'rape' Harry.

http://http://www.ficwad.com/viewstory.php?sid=35811

 

oops my bad, thanks for the link.

 

I think some of you are confusing Fanfiction's worst stories or Fanfiction's worst ideas with Fanfiction's worst summaries. There's a lot of bad fics out there with perfectly fine summaries.

That one killed me. Especially since Chapter One was 330 words long. Good find Tinn Tam.

 

No, I'm pretty sure I got it right. Granted, the fics could go in either thread.

 

1. Screwdriver by Indee
HD. When stuck between a rock and a hard place, Draco chooses the rock. Harry chooses the hard place. They meet somewhere in the middle.
Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2635 - Reviews: 0 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 12-5-06

I don't see how a screwdriver fits anywhere in that scenario.

Changing Yesterday by RainynDawn reviews
Verus Fatum: True Destiny. Hermione must face her true destiny when in the wake of war a mysterious object pulls her through time. There she must sacrifice all to save those she loves most. HGSB
Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 46 - Words: 165755 - Reviews: 951 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 12-21-05

I always thought that the books were called Harry Potter and the Philosiphers Stone, not Hermione and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

4. Harry Blade Potter & The New Beginning by 666 Black Panther reviews
Updated at long last, chapter 5 up, finally. Not much action in this chapter but M for violence and Language overall. Pls take note of AN. Thks
Fiction Rated: M - English - Action/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 20838 - Reviews: 28 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 8-29-05

The summary tells me nothing that I havent seen on TV and I don't know anything about blade except it has something to do with vampires and a location in somewhere that is not britain.

5. For every Wrong there is a Right by Trins reviews
Hermione Granger thought her life was perfect, but in the space of 24 hours her life is turned upside down.
Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2032 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 12-4-06

Oooooooo! I am SO interested in Hermione's 24 hour romace with the vampire/veela/Elf/Flying toiletmonster that is Snape, Draco, Male Blaise (Blaise is a female!), Draco polyjuiced as Ron, or just plain OC. Thanks for playing. Goodbye. Get out!. Not interested!

6. Falling Into Place by Indee reviews
It's 1998 and while on their quest for the Horcruxes, Harry and the rest of his friends get a bit distracted by life, love and demons. HarryDraco, GinnyLuna, RonHermione
Fiction Rated: M - English - General/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 24992 - Reviews: 3 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 8-6-06

I believe that in book six Draco is clearly defined as a frickin enemy!

Walk Through Time by fragonknight01 reviews
Harry Potter was summoned to be Salazar Slytherin's soulmate. Did he mess up time, or did he help the Founders fulfill destiny? SLASH, MPREG With Ch 6: Violence and adult theme begins...
Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 6 - Words: 14992 - Reviews: 35 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 12-1-06

Hmm. MPREG saving the world while making it wish it had died in the first place. I'm taking General health and I don't think that shitbabies are possible.vEven with their lurv magic.

You're my Healer? by MorganisM-Lve reviews
Student Healer Ginny has been assigned the youngest Malfoy as a patient.
Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1028 - Reviews: 2 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 12-5-06

I don't even need to comment on this one.

Shrinking Snape by Srforests reviews
The classic setup Longbottom botches a shrinking potion that causes Professor Severus Snape to shrink until he's three inches tall! And guess who gets to look after him? HARRY! THIS WILL BE SLASH, for all of you who are asking and complaining.
Fiction Rated: M - English - General/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 8289 - Reviews: 48 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 11-20-06

Hmm. What would make this story funny is if Snape was the sheep and while he was small he got Mpreged. I wonder how the fangirls would explain that.

I unfortunately Do by Femmina saporita reviews
Forced to marry.... could life get any worse for Hermione? Could Draco make her life any worse? Or will things change? Rated M for later chapters
Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 33 - Words: 73160 - Reviews: 541 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 3-16-06

Oh my god this is the thousandth one I've seen today. You know what that means kids! Tell Her what shes won Johnny! You've won an all expense paid trip Fanfictions worst summaries. You are also awarded the title of asshole casserole! Thanks for playing! Yall don't come back now!

14. Acceptance 2 by Calypphire reviews
Sequel to Acceptance. The triplets are growing up and Remus and Shay are still going strong. What adventures are there to be had? Please read and review.
Fiction Rated: M - English - General - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1777 - Reviews: 1 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 12-5-06

he first five words made me uninterested.

15. Time Changes Everything by Pentunia Potter reviews
COMPLETE: The Ministry of Magic has put a new Temporal Portkey into production. Dumbledore has gotten approval for the sixth year students to try it out. What happens when Harry Potter travels 13 years into the future and finds out that his rival, Draco
Complete - Fiction Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 20459 - Reviews: 133 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 9-18-06

Even the ministry would be smart enough to not allow a group of sixth years to test EXPERIMENTAL time travel devices.

16. Beauty is the Beast by QueenGen reviews
HD. Story finished, now to just post chapters. Draco gets a curse upon him and the only person to help him is a man with a scar on his head. Based off Disney's Beauty and the Beast.
Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 12 - Words: 20056 - Reviews: 48 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 11-20-06

Where Are You Christmas? by SeulWolfe reviews
SlashHet::Father Christmas needs Harry and friends help this year because he's laying in the infirmary as Albus Dumbledore after helping Harry defeat Voldemort in the final battle. Harry must get past his own insecurities and past demons to truly learn w
Fiction Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2451 - Reviews: 10 - Updated: 12-5-06 - Published: 12-1-06



All of these were on the first page. I only picked the ones that really stood out.

 

Isn't Harry's best friend... oh, I don't know... RON? Then again, that may explain the story's title: A Forbidden Relationship by dracozluver. With a username like 'dracozluver', how could the story not be good?

Yeah. Mine. Who does this Snape upstart think he is, horning in on my territory?​

 

Hah. He got ya. You fell for it. Harry's best friend is, of course,

ALEX​

.

That's about 2/3 of the first chapter.

Who the fuck is Alex?

 

A character in one of my original stories actually... wtf does that "dracozluver" think heshe's is doing with Alex anyway? That's so ooc, Alex wouldn't like someone like Ginny!

I'm going to kill the next person who writes this goddamned plotline. With my cheese grater and a toothpick. Slowly and painfully. What kind of name is Latoya anyway?

 

She was some girl in the original line up of Destinys Child...

God I know some useless information.

So at least it's going along with the whole 'singer' thing.

 

With this summary that's really not a question. There's no one to love you.

 

I hate people who say that the summary is inside just so you look at their story.

 

But I thought Sirius wans't a Death Eater. So unless he's constantly going to masquarade parties, what's with the mask?

It's about time. That's what you get for being a bitch with a superiority complex. Ron tries to cope with his overw... what? His overweight sister, who suddenly expanded into the mirror image of Molly Weasley? By 'tries to cope', does that mean he fails?

That's right. Katie's relationship with her mother and father. Does Oliver know?

I wonder... hmm... does it involve retarded threesomes? Can I get back to you on that?

One mistake in which Harry forgets to use a condom, blah blah blah. He sees the bitch working the streets, and is about to ditch her before he sees, but unfortunately, she wants a second go. At least she brings two better looking girls with her, who enjoy answering the question of "who's your daddy?"

I'm much better at this than at the Summary Surgery.

 

Ooh, exotic... like walk-in porno! Come to the Zoo and stare into the glass, we have SMEX to see! Well, I guess witches and wizards wouldn't be an exception. I've always suspected that they have a closet-fetish for the exotic. So, moving on this fanfic contains info on what muggles can do with a spoiler-shortage. Well, I suspect that they can eat their food in peace if it's not spoiled.

So, Umbridge is working for Voldemort! And Voldemort's right had man no less! Help and hurt the students at the same time? Is this masochism I sense?

OMG! Like, TERRA!? She's that girl from Teen Titans with no nose who controls rocks and was easily manipulated by Slade to betray everyone! So, maybe this is before she lava-toasted Slade and she's spying on Harry for him in order to determine whether he's worthy of being recruited as Slade's apprentice!
Then he can become a super-dark-lord-right-hand-man to Slade and take over the world with him fighting Robin, Star, Cy, Raven, and BB until they realize that they shouldn't be fighting. Harry will ultimately switch sides and become a TT and get free cable on a big screen TV!