Licius, eh? Sounds fascinating.

Here's one more:

It's probably worth mentioning that this fic was entitled "apples and oranges". The summary wouldn't have struck me as quite so bad if not paired with such a bizarre title.

Don't read the beginning? wtf?

 

Wow. That was informative.

She He-Woman!

What?! Ginny's a male? Slash just became more popular than I ever realized.

And the title of "The Potter and the Riddle" didn't give away this mysterious person at all!

 

What? the power of the gaping anus

 

Obviously Harry is trying to recreate goatse.

 

There are no words that can describe this fic.

 

Say hello to your worst nightmare.....

"Harry Potter and the freaks in Bikinis and Thongs" Author the wicked pigtail

Here's the summary: "This is PG 13 for my freakiness but I hope you like it anyway. LOTR crossover. *GASP* Harry in a Thong? *GASP* a girly wirly mob? *GASP* Legolas naked? *GASP* Dumbledore gone? *GASP*Who's the new headmaster? *GASP* New Dresscode? LOTR Crossover"

 

::Twitches:: The new stuff I found just doesn't compete with the weirdness and wrong images caused by that summary. I bow to your Horrible-Summary Finding Abilities.

 

My eye is twitching...Wow that was really bad. What kind of household does a person grow up in to think that people would actually want to read something like that?

 

Element ...........LMAO

Dark Monarch that one.......was just plain wrong.

Wow really I wouldn't have known.....

 

Oooo... the excitement... I can't wait to kill it... erm read it.

Right like we all want to read this captivating plot idea.

Sounds as exciting as the dictionary...

Thats... Ugh... Just UGH!!

 

What. The. Fuck. I'm afraid this motivates me to throw up rather than read it. So sorry...

 

Paired with the title "Useless Thing I Wrote Because I Have No Life". This was about the third summary I saw when I opened ffn's main HP page. That's definitely something that could turn readers off the site.

What? Who are these people? Were a bunch of new characters introduced into HP when I didn't notice?

 

First Love by Harry Clone
Hermione's fallen in love, love...
Complete - Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 699 - Reviews: 4 - Updated: 7-22-06 - Published: 7-5-06

Please observe how remarkably informative this summary is. Even the title tells volumes of exactly what's going on in the fic.

The Next Generation of the Hogwarts Gang by LaNaHwAnNa
Well it is the next series of Harry Potter... Harry and HErmione got married and had a child, Rona and Luna have a child, and what is this Malfoy has a child and what happens when they all meet nad there is a new evil about? Ok not the best summary but i
Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance/Action/Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 10604 - Reviews: 9 - Updated: 7-22-06 - Published: 6-17-06

My brain just died. I have to go now

 

I hate those next generation stories. Its the same thing except its written badly and the characters names are changed.

 

I know I said I may give you yet more vomit-inducing summaries after my last post here, but then while I was looking through the pages for things to mock I remember starting to gibber, and the next thing that I knew I was wearing a VERY confining jacket surrounded by strange men in white coats... Anyway, I've managed to break into one of their offices, so without further ado, coming to you live from the nuthouse, I give you:

Vayne's Fanfic Summary Roundup V2.0, now with added spinach!

Hmm, maybe it's the way her wand's short, fat and made of metal? Oh, and hums and produces a blade of light when she presses the buttons on it.

... It seemed that over the summer the houselves had turned his bedroom into their own private strip club, complete with poledancers. What really stunned him, however, was that the girl gyrating on the stage seemed strangely familar. That red hair, the slim, boyish figure, those A-cup breasts... "WEASLETTE?!?" he screamed, before his eyes rolled up into his head and he collapsed.

OK, at what point did this become choose-your-own-adventure fanfiction? I'm almost tempted to look at it just to find out how the complete lack of a defined partner affects the fic. Almost. Instead, I'm going to speculate wildly:

Hermione ran her soft hands through her lover's thick...
If your character has dark hair, scroll to paragraph 2
If your character has red hair, scroll to paragraph 3
If your character has blonde hair, scroll to paragraph 4
If your character has brilliant hair of any colour, sparkling mauve eyes and a name that sounds like a cross between one of Tolkien's elves and a stoned hippy then stop reading Harry Potter fanfiction and go back to your deluded daydreams, and take your crappy Mary Sue's/Gary Stu's with you!

Generally when you mix them together you get Draco getting bitchslapped (verbally or physically). I'll admit it's not exactly what I'd call pandemonium, but given that this author is satisfied enough with their inept attempt at fiction they quite clearly have very low standards.

Harry and the other two members of the trio were sitting at Florean Fortesque's enjoying sundaes during a break in their shopping for magical trunks, spare wands and dark arts manuals, when their collective attention was drawn to a mindbogglingly beautiful witch, who had brilliant ruby red lips, deep azure eyes that seemed to have gold flecks dancing in their limpid depths [I don't even know what that means] set in a beautiful tanned face framed by rich black hair that had been dyed green at the tips. Hermione shook herself from her stupor as she noticed the beauty approaching their table, idly twatting Ron on the head to draw his attention from the newcomers firm 36D breasts that were barely concealed beneath her Weird Sisters t-shirt. The vision before them parted her ruby lips and, in a Californian accent, spake thusly, "Hey, aren't you, like, that celebrity kid? Boy-who-lived, yeah?"
Harry was somewhat perplexed by both her impressive physical charms and her unexpected address to him, but he quickly gathered his wits and stammered out "Um, yeah. Do I know you?"
"Nope, you've probably never heard of me. I'm a witch, but when I started doing accidental magic everyone thought I was a mutant, so I was sent off to Xavier's school for the Gifted."
"Oh, well... That, that's great. Now if you'll excuse me I've just realised we need to go and get some, erm, owl treats. For our owls. Right now. Great meeting you though." Still burbling to the strange girl he caught Hermione's eye and they both rose, grabbing Ron who had once again become engrossed in ogling the newcomer's assets, and together the trio left the sparkle-eyed girl behind.

[Urgh, writing that left a horrible saccharine taste in my mouth. Remind me never to try and parody Mary-Sue authors again. Still, how is it I can write the fic in a paragraph whereas it's taken the author 5 chapters and it doesn't appear to be done yet?]

I would go with 'the book is in fact a very graphic 'how-to' guide to magical sex techniques', but Rorschach's Blot beat me to it in his fic 'Let's do the time warp again', and I hate being derivative. Instead, here's something original and probably a lot less funny.

Sitting at a library table with Hermione and Harry, Ron finally reached the end of the thick tome in front of him. Closing the back cover with a very satisfied-sounding thud he leaned back in his chair and let out a long sigh which drew the attention of his companions. "Holy crap," exclaimed the redhead, "I can study!"
Harry eloquently responded to this outburst with "Huh?", while Hermione's far greater intellect lead to her choice words being "What do you mean?"
"Well," the besiblinged one replied, "I've finally realised that I can learn things by reading books. You know what that means, don't you?" his gaze swept his colleague's bewildered faces, and he grinned at their perplexedness before continuing. "It means I don't need you anymore!" he crowed, shooting a brief glare at Hermione before standing up from his place at the table. "No more putting up with your being a walking bloody dictionary, or listening to your lectures before I can copy your homework! I'm off to practice my flying, then I think I'll do my transfiguration homework. Without a rant from you on me being lazy!" He wandered out of the library continuing to talk about his bright new future in tones of wonderment, leaving the other two at what had been his table with similar looks of bafflement on their faces.
"I must say I didn't see that coming." Hermione was the first to recover, breaking the stunned silence. Harry blinked a couple of times at her words before responding, "I know, who'd have thought Ron would figure out how to learn?"

---

I'll probably keep doing these, though I'm not sure if I'll keep with the pseudo-parody style I've (mostly) done here. It's funny (at least it is to me) but time-consuming; I can't ridicule as many summaries like this as I could otherwise. It may depend on how people take it, so feel free to send me a PM if this makes you laugh, or quote favourite bits or whatever. On a side-note, partial blame for the D/G fic parody probably belongs to Yarrgh, because without the house-elf scene at the start of the latest chapter of Fury of the Hellspawn I'd most likely not have come up with the house-elf strip club. If you've no idea what I'm talking about then go look at it, it's on Ficwad.

Well ladies and gentlemen this is it for now. I was going to do more, but I think I can hear the men coming back; it sounds like they've realised I managed to get out of my room. I must admit, it is very comfy in there with the padded walls, and I should really be getting back. Until next time, sayonara, goodbye, adieu, farewell and bon voyage, and remember, life is like a box of chocolates; there's a little card inside the lid that has all the important details on it.

 

I feel highly insulted. Why is it that half the OC characters in fanfic from America are from California and moreover resemble a three year old on a sugar high? I realize there were one or two early 90's movies that liked to depict either the San Fernando Valley (my childhood home) as full of half brained twits or the general LA areas as more of the same, but is it really necessary to make all Californians be the idiot Southern California mindless, inarticulate stereotype, especially when Ginny or Lavender can perfectly well fit the necessary requirements?

 

Because that particular crime against nature was intended to parody exactly the sort of fics that have the cliche Californian Retard Mary-Sue OC. I'm aware that not all Californians (or Americans in general for that matter) are as idiotic as my parody OC, just most 13 year old girls writing fanfiction don't seem to be. And in this case Ginslut and Lavender didn't fit since they were never 'mistaken' for mutants and lived in the Xavier school for the Gifted.

 

12253. Harry Potter and the New Revelation by Kelbacca reviews
Major GoF spoilers . . . yadda, yadda, yadda . . . Harry/Hermione . . . read and REVIEW (please) the gang's in their 5th year . . . yadda, yadda, yadda. . . ect. now read, please??
Fiction Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 34840 - Reviews: 250 - Updated: 8-2-00 - Published: 8-2-00


No comments. Seriously.

 

Reviews: 250 What. The. Fuck.