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[WIP] Hallowed by Shinysavage - T

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by Quiddity, Apr 24, 2016.

  1. Quiddity

    Quiddity Auror

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    Title: Hallowed
    Author: Shinysavage
    Rating: T
    Genre: Adventure/Drama
    Status: WIP (85,000 words now)
    Library Category: The Alternates
    Pairings: Harry/Lisa Turpin
    Summary: Once upon a time, three brothers came up with a plan to change the world forever. Centuries later, wizards still fight over the scraps of their power. However, only one person can truly lay claim to their destiny. AU.
    Link: FF.net WBA 1 WBA 2

    Basically, the AU is that Voldemort goes after the Deathly Hallows instead of Horcruxes as a way to conquer death, and everything else proceeds from there.

    This was the first place winner in the 2011 August/September Competition, and I imagine it is only by oversight that it has missed out on the library for so long.

    The original reviews (spoilers for the opening 1-2 chapters):
    I posted this because I'd just caught up on the last 3-4 chapters and wanted to post a review on those, so this is mainly in respect of those.

    I had this at 4/5 originally, because I thought it progressed from a strong opening into a slightly bland Hogwarts sequence. I don't know quite how to describe that, except that the prose seemed to lack a certain colour or vitality. It's been a while since I formed this view, so don't put too much stock in it.

    Reading the last few chapters and I have to promote that to a 4.5/5. I am greatly impressed with the creativeness of the new tasks, the characterization seems more distinctive, and my criticisms of the prose have vanished. The brisk pace remains, but seems more appropriately so.

    So, great work. 5/5 for ratings purposes.
     
    Last edited: Apr 24, 2016
  2. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box Prestige

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    Thanks Quiddity!

    Pairing is Harry/Lisa Turpin, although that isn't listed in the story info on ff.net.
     
  3. Quiddity

    Quiddity Auror

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    Ah, I wasn't sure if that was set in stone enough to list. Updated
     
  4. crimson sun06

    crimson sun06 Unspeakable

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    First off I really like the originality of the fic. A story centered around the Hallows with Harry as an unlikely protagonist without a prophecy to make him special. The plot is engaging and does give something to look forward to even if the end-game is visible.

    So far so good.

    But then come the characters. None of them are particularly interesting and this is more so for Harry himself who is nothing like his canon counterpart. Not that that's a bad thing but he just seems a little too bland.
    Another thing that bothered me was how reactive Dumbledore is.
    He allows Voldemort to gain access to Hogwarts and endanger Harry's life twice.

    Voldemort himself seems like an afterthought. Making sporadic appearances and doing his stuff but never quite being the ominous presence that he is meant to be. So while we are told there is conflict and sometimes shown, but I never quite felt it. There doesn't seem to be any dread or urgency that should come with an on-the-loose dark lord.
    And now that I know that it is a Harry/Lisa fic, I find myself a little disappointed as
    It didn't seem like Harry ever interacted with Lisa in a meaningful way before he asked her to the ball and now they're in a serious relationship.

    If it was just a high-school fling it wouldn't be so bad, but as the main pairing I'll admit I feel a little letdown. But these are early days and maybe the romance would grow on me.

    The tasks were original and imaginative and the OCs are serviceable if not entirety memorable.

    3/5 for now.
     
  5. Myrrdin Emrys

    Myrrdin Emrys Disappeared

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    Original fic is original.

    Things I like about the plot are listed below: PLEASE NOTE THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW!!!


    1). Dumbledore's characterization has been skillfully done and he is just a pleasure to read.

    2). I like that instead of looking for adventures, Harry seems to find them on his way.

    3). Voldemort has some amazing lines... still not as good as Dumbledore's though.

    4). Dumbledore and Voldemort's fight scenes are always refreshing to see and read, and so you get the appropriate props for that.

    All in all, with little to no grammatical issues and good prose, you get 5/5 from me, Shinysavage.
     
  6. Averis

    Averis Don of Delivery Prestige

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    I was really impressed with Shiny's writing on this one. Everything from the small twists in characterization of minor characters to the broad changes in world-building seems well-designed. It captured my attention from the get-go and I finished the FF.net chapters relatively quickly to be able to catch up in WbA... only to be tremendously let down when I realized there's no more story to read.

    That, in itself, proves that this story is a 5/5. Are there ways that it could be improved? Certainly. No one is flawless. But this story has potential to be one of the best of its ilk, with a completely original Triwizard Tournament and the type of Harry we all like -- smart, well-balanced and the antithesis of Malfoy. Riddle is captivating, as well as his quarrel with Dumbledore, who I find is the best character in the story thus far.

    Great work, bro. Hope this review helps to urge you forward on a new chapter!
     
  7. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box Prestige

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    Averis: 2000-odd words into the next chapter, which I'm hoping to have finished in the next couple of days. Thanks for the review!
     
  8. fiendfyre

    fiendfyre Muggle

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    I liked it , you don't follow a lot of the clichés in HP fanfiction , one gripe I had was that in the later chapters your focus to much on the romance in the story for my tastes. Overall the story is great I eagerly await a new chapter
     
  9. Myrrdin Emrys

    Myrrdin Emrys Disappeared

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    I've read this story three times. Gets better every time. So, Shinysavage, when do you plan to post another... because I've been itching to post this very post a hundred times just to emphasize upon the fact that I LOVE THIS STORY!!
     
  10. Blinker

    Blinker DA Member DLP Supporter

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    Be cool, you'll scare him off...
     
  11. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box Prestige

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    Myrrdin Emrys: next chapter is 4000 odd words/about half done. Will (hopefully) be finishing it this week.
     
  12. Myrrdin Emrys

    Myrrdin Emrys Disappeared

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    Nah, Shinysavage would never do that. He's too fucking good.... right?
     
  13. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

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    Alrighty. I came to the Review Board, I saw this thread, I started reading.

    Short review: how did I miss what's got to be one of the best fics by a DLP author ever written?

    Let's start with the mundane and technical. The spag is practically spotless, with an occasional slip up that can be waved off in the face of everything else this fic does right. The pacing is great. Shinysavage unfolds the plot at a nice rate, with enough well-crafted filler to flesh out the characters and world around Harry, but not too much to boggle the story down. And reiterating the many times repeated praise in the WBA thread, the dialogue is just great, some of the best I've seen in fanfiction.

    Characterizations of the key players, including Harry and Dumbledore are well done and consistent, though personally I think Harry's been mostly static throughout the post timeskip chapters. He's a smart, resourceful Claw and there's been little in terms of character development, as in changing as stuff happens, but what is there is a good portrayal of an AU Harry we had to get to know before Shiny started changing him, so it's more of a nitpick.

    I do have to say that Anthony and Terry kind of blurred with Ron, all sharing the characteristics of a snarky, funny friend. I actually liked the OC Triwizard Champions.

    Oh yeah - the Tournament. It's one of the best takes on it I've seen and I absolutely loved the Transfiguration dueling. I must note that the First Task and the final were, at the core, the same thing, but well enough executed that I didn't mind it much.

    The things next to the main plot, like the pairing (which I actually like, because it's well done, without over the top stuff) and James' POV are nice additions that actually add to the story without seeming like unnecessary filler.

    Look at me gushing, but I really have no major criticisms about Hallowed - maybe except that I think Voldemort was kind of a non-entity after the timeskip.

    I could cut half a point for the things I pointed out, but it wouldn't matter because I'd be rounding up anyway.

    So - is Hallowed flawless? No, but what is? Is it excellent? You can bet your five stars it is. I haven't enjoyed a fanfic this much since What You Leave Behind.

    5/5, would bang

    Shinysavage, I tip my hat to you sir.
     
    Last edited: May 16, 2016
  14. amethystrei

    amethystrei Squib

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    This is a pretty huge pet-peeve of mine, tbh. Authors: writing het does not exempt you from the responsibility of stating your (primary) ships at the beginning of a fic. Or at the very least stating whether it's going to be het, femme/slash, or gen.

    If I'm reading a fic that doesn't indicate a pairing I'm going to assume it's gen, and there's nothing that's more irrirating than going in expecting one thing only for it to be something else entirely. Just consider for a moment that you're reading a good fic only for it to suddenly start veering in the direction of, say, Harry/Crabbe. Not nice, no?

    This has been a public service announcement.



    Anyway--I'm not exactly keen on the idea of HP/LT but I'll give this a shot since the premise sounds pretty interesting. Thanks for the rec.
     
  15. ScottPress

    ScottPress The Horny Sovereign Prestige

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    You wot mate? Since when is that a responsibility? Is that a rule in The Official Fanfiction Rulebook I don't know about? Stating or not stating ships is entirely at the author's discretion. It may be a peeve, but it's not breaking any rules.

    You give off the vibe of a person who thinks pairings are the hugest deal in any story where one is featured. That's a tiny pet peeve of mine. No hard feelings, but your post really made me go "waaaaaaaaaaaat....?"
     
  16. Odran

    Odran Prisoner

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    If the fanfic revolved around the pairing, i.e. if this was a romance story, I'd say that stating the pairing in the character tags would be necessary, but otherwise who gives a shit? Well, other than you, amethystrei.
     
  17. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box Prestige

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    To be fair, I've seen plenty of people on DLP bitch about a fic not stating it's slash and then springing it on you once you've been 'lured' in; I assume that amethystrei's point about responsibility is that you shouldn't bitch about one thing and not the other, related to things like straight privilege etc etc etc, which is incredibly picky but not wrong.

    The implication that I haven't tagged it because it's het and I think that has special privileges as opposed to it just being simple forgetfulness is a little irritating, mind.
     
  18. amethystrei

    amethystrei Squib

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    It's common courtesy, is what it is. Let's be realistic here--if an author published a fic, makes absolutely no indications that there would be a pairing, and then suddenly goes: "Surprise! It's slash!" most of the readers would go batshit insane and accuse the author of "luring them in" and "leading them on." They'd throw a hissy fit regardless how minor a presence the pairing had. It's practically forbidden for slash authors to do this, but het authors are rarely held to the same standards despite the fact that there are plenty of people who don't like romance, or het, or perhaps wish to avoid a particular pairing--which they should be able to do.

    Perhaps my use of "responsibility" was a bit extreme but I won't back down from my stance. Stating whether or not your fic will contain romance, and what type of romance it will be (het/slash), is the decent thing to do.

    ---------- Post automerged at 02:14 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:04 PM ----------

    Then you'd be totally okay with reading a fic that the author led you to believe was gen, only to discover later on that it was a slash fic, right?

    And FYI, an extremely large portion of fandom "gives a shit" about the (primary) relationships that are featured in a story. I, for instance, do not like Ginny/Harry, do not want to read Ginny/Harry in any form, and would be utterly pissed if a story I was reading suddenly veered in that direction without so much as a forewarning.

    We can't all be like you, Odran, who apparently has no issue with any HP pairing in existence.

    ---------- Post automerged at 02:21 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:14 PM ----------


    I apologize for that. This is something I encouter too often (particularly in the HP fandom) so I responded more rashly than I should have. I shouldn't have been so quick to assume.
     
  19. Quiddity

    Quiddity Auror

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    Given some things I remember from the WBA, I'm pretty sure Shinysavage didn't decide the pairing until many chapters in. That, and the fact that the pairing hardly dominates the story - as Odran said, it's not a romance - means I think its inappropriate to expect tagging. After all, the attention paid to that relationship thus far is less than tertiary relationships in many fics, which are impossible to tag.

    And I have read fics which have a primary slash relationship appear later on untagged. Those are fine. What's not fine is when a relationship appears several chapters in and then dominates the story, normally in a bad way as the author has an affectation for it. So long as the relationship isn't the point of the story I don't think it needs tagging - though the author is perfectly at discretion to.
     
  20. Shinysavage

    Shinysavage Madman With A Box Prestige

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    No biggie. Like I say, I understand your point, even if I think it's over-zealous. I've edited the summary on ff.net.

    Lol. I didn't decide it until literally five minutes before I wrote it.
     
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