Yes and no. Ending is great and before there are both good and bad parts. Plus entire thing should be significantly trimmed.

https://www.google.pl/search?q=%22Neville+closed+his+eyes+and+raised+his+head+to+the+enchanted+ceiling+of+the+Great+Hall,+waiting+for+what+he+knew+would+come.%22&hl=en&noj=1&filter=0&biw=1366&bih=551

found

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3819197/16/Embers-of-Loyalty

link to the first chapter: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3819197/1/Embers-of-Loyalty (story is abandoned)

 

I noticed the story was marked as complete so I finally picked it up and I just got to the end of Chapter 36.

- "Albeit" is grossly overused, and always awkwardly if not outright incorrectly. I expect it to preface a brief contrasting quality ("It was a good idea, albeit a strange one"), not substituted wholesale for every "however" or "though" or even just a simple "but."
- Idioms that are supposed to use the word "worse" always seem to use "worst" in this story.
- I appreciate that "definitively" can sound cooler than "definitely" sometimes, but not all the time.

Those are the most egregious grammatical issues I can think of off the top of my head. There are others that aren't as annoying (I just read a sentence that used "breath" when it should be "breathe").

As for the story, for the most part I like it. I'm okay with the mystery going on despite it being quite confusing, but Harry's erratic behavior is making me start to skim. In an author's note it says it will be explained, which is good, but that doesn't make it enjoyable to read. I'll have to put it down and come back to it.

 

I don't like this story. Shadenight123's prose and storytelling lends itself far better to his Bioshock story, Sometimes, than it does to this story. His sense of mystery is weird and confusing. He throws too many plots and schemes into the air and as a reader it's really difficult to remember all of those. I kept wondering when things would be explained, only to realize far later that they already had been, not to say if I had forgotten them instead.

Since I liked Sometimes I managed to read up to chapter 40 or so, before I gave up on this giant clusterfuck. When your story needs a guide, you know you're doing something wrong.

I decided to rate the story a 2/5 because it did keep me hooked for long time. Had his prose been better, I think I would have liked it much more. One of the things I really liked about the story were his take on the Nice!Dursleys.

 

The story is not bad.

My biggest gripe: Is it necessary to give Harry every magical item possible? He gets excalibur and then a couple chapters later he gets Merlin's staff. People just give him stuff. Add magical animals and locations (etc.) it gets too ridiculous.

 

I got to a certain point in the story and my fucking jaw dropped. I was so damn confused. The army of inferi on viking ships I want to know how the fuck that came about I'm still confused. 2/5. He's not a bad authour this story is just a god damn clusteruck of fuckery.