Why does he have to sell something? I mean yeah that would make him more Tony Starkish. But I thought it was more about Tony's character and personality rather than occupation.

 

The original post I was replying to was asking for ideas about a Harry that was obsessed with trying to make money during the war against Voldemort, and I based my reply around that.

I was more interested in a pre-Afghanistan Tony Stark specifically, who sold massively destructive weapons and was completely unashamed about it. His scene with the journalist interviewing him (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qvwHppI95K0) at the beginning of Iron Man 1 is essentially the character I was going for. So yeah, he kind of needs to sell something to go for the whole war profiteering angle.

 

Ah, I see.

One question I have thats somewhat related to Harry/Fleur.

In GoF during the tournament, the other two schools come to Hogwarts during the year. Both schools appear via some travelling method, and what seems like 20? or so students, but certainly not their whole school. Now my question is, how do these students "learn".

Only 1 of them actually competes and the rest are kind of just there. Do they attend classes at all? The French have those carriages that they stay in. Do they have some sort of special tutor that covers all their classes? Do they portkey back to the school for classes? Do they use the old Sirius Mirror McGuffin? (I've always hated that. We see a piece of magic that is essentially a skype video chat and it never appears anywhere else in the world.)

Maybe you write them as going to class at Hogwarts for the year, as part of the multicultural experience? Maybe you have them bring the entire school teachers included, then have them take classes inside the carriages/ship?

How do you guys write that sorta plot hole? Also on that note, how do you guys think the big ship got in the lake? and since I forgot; Do the foreign students eat their meals at hogwarts? I don't remember.

 

Going back a few posts, because I simply had to bring attention to this:

Ah, the language of love.

 

This is the most logical of the various methods that I've seen. While translation charms don't exist in canon per se, it's not unreasonable for them to exist, so they could simply sit in on equivalent classes with those up.

On the subject of Durmstrang's ship, there might be some sort of channel that feeds to/from the lake into the ocean, which they simply traveled up.

They do, although I'm not entirely sure if it's simply for occasions like the feast for when they got there, or they join the Hogwarts students for everyday meals as well.

 

Just remove the H It will be easier and everyone will fill in the rest as they imagined it. Their imagination will probably be wrong, but hey it doesn't really matter.

As for the accent...I think the english accent is sexier. Must be a french thing.

-----

As for money, I'm not quite sure of what you could do there. We don't have a lot of examples where one can make money in the wizarding world, so you'd actually need to develop some kind of economic system for that. The only thing I could think of is food, which can't be conjured. Or to actually make money into the muggle world and exchange it at Gringotts.

You could make Harry invent some kind of grenade/bomb which he sells to the muggle or any other kind of service actually (plastic surgery - transfiguration, drugs - potions, etc.). The product or services get popular and soon Harry is hailed as a genius/star/billionaire...but it also attracts the attention of the ICW who pursue Harry because he is going against the law and threatening the statute of secrecy.

 

Yeah, you can leave the 'Z's out... except that dropped 'H's are a part of many different accents; then, your brain makes the eventual connection to Hagrid's dropped 'H's.

Then, you start reading Fleur with Hagrid's accent. :fire

"Mon dieu! Yer a great wizard, 'Arry, but we shouldn't 'ave done this." Fleur groaned, fretfully scrubbing the fingers of one hand through her tousled hair, while attempting to retrieve her knickers from the chandelier with the other. "I 'ave a 'usband! If anyone finds out, we are skrewt!"
​

When you start reading Fleur with Hagrid's accent, you get drunk to kill the feeling of violation.

When you get drunk, you post something embarrassing on Dark Lord Potter and wake up, later, in a roadside ditch.

Don't wake up in a roadside ditch.

Edit:

Ginny undoubtedly agrees, which is why she directly references this when she accuses Harry of liking it when Fleur calls him, "'Arry."

 

And half the time they're just bullying the entire Slytherin house with no justification beyond that Malfoy is somewhat unpleasant, and not only does no one see anything even slightly wrong about that, the teachers even encourage it.

 

Calling Malfoy somewhat unpleasant is like saying a tornado destroying your house is somewhat inconvenient.

While the comparison is unfair, Malfoy's actions go beyond, in my opinion, schoolyard bullying/rivalry.

 

I imagine there'd be some Slytherins being hit by pranks who hate Malfoy more than anyone in the school.He's such a giant asshole everyone lumps the Slytherins together.

 

*cough* Date rape drugs openly sold as 'love potions' in large displays at Weasley Wizard Wheezes. *cough*

Yeah; good question. Those kinds of pranks are almost always part and parcel of shitty storytelling, but if there's a bright side, it's that it is consistent with canon. Imperius = bad. Love potion that also robs you of your free will = good.

I could go on, but this Tarantallegra spell is making it a fucking bitch to type.

 

I would never write a prank story. But that's a culture problem. Here in Brazil we don't prank people, except when they are friends, and close ones. The closest thing we have here to school pranks are "trotes" something that the upperclassmen do to the freshmen when they are accepted in the university. But that shit is nasty, many don't want to be pranked but are obliged. The nicest things they do is painting someone hair and make them eat grass. The nastiest? People have to roll on animal shit and drink until pass out, and sometimes, people die.

Being myself a freshmen at Veterinary School I saw how scary is when people you don't know start pranking you, it can be terryfying. You don't know them, you can't trust them and who is gonna make them stop? Scary. I consider myself lucky because my upperclassmen were awesome and never made do anything. But I'm still really scared of what they could do.

While I do find the pranking thing amusing in the books and I love the Twins, to me prank in real life is teo steps behinf bullying. You can prank your friends, but pranking as revenge? That's low, really low.

 

hazing ≠ pranking

 

EDIT: Adopted Invitus' suggestions and criticisms.

I said before that I was going to attempt an alive James/Lily story. But when the idea of Harry being like Tony Stark popped up, inspiration came down like lightning and allowed me to write 1,500 words. What I've written up so far would be half the first chapter and I wanted to know what you guys think. Good, bad, terrible, has potential, suggestions, criticisms, etc. This is my first Harry Potter story so forgive me if I make a mistake regarding canon.

This is my view of Harry like Tony Stark with some future Harry/Fleur. I have some future plot points in mind, but I want to see the reception first. If it's promising, I'll post a wba threat and begin work on it.

Never the less, here goes. Chapter 1 of Zenith

Initus​

Floo Ingress Station, Ministry Atrium, June 15, 1994

One, click. Two, click. Three, click. Four, click.

Harry James Potter paid no attention to the irritated people staring at him, only focusing on the fascinating little device in front of him, created by himself of course. His bright green eyes were riveted on the inner complexities of his latest whim, analyzing the wooden surface for any cracks or malformations that may have developed during the manufacturing period.

Harry sighed as he turned his invention on, causing every light in the room to be collected inside his wooden Deluminator. His invention would have seemed to work to an untrained eye, but Harry could easily tell that the stresses of multiple light sources were proving too much for the wood to handle for any practical length of time. He shut the device off, sending the lights back to their original position.

“Testing indicates that the current material is not viable for mass-production. Sample E when placed under stress splits along the grain, dramatically shortening product life and amount yield.” Harry muttered to himself, ignoring the negative effect he was having on the people around him. “Derived conclusions reveal that using a coating ...”

“May you please stop, Mr. Potter?”

Harry's eyes flashed over to the speaker, a man with a red face and wearing a Ministry badge. Harry quickly sized the man up and turned back to his current curiosity, judging the man to be not worth the effort of being condescended to.

“ … of Spello-tape adhesive combined with a touch of powdered unicorn horn will prove to be the most effective solution as spells interfere with the sample's ability to hold multiple sources of light at once. Result: Null Deluminator remains viable, but requires further testing.”

“Mr. Potter!”

Harry sighed and looked at the same man, who had gotten closer to him in a futile effort to communicate with. Harry put his pet project away, straightened his green dress robes and replied, “Yes, Mr. … ?”

The man reddened even more as he replied, “Rivers. Andrew Rivers. Junior Auror, member of your security team while you are here at our Ministry.”

“Ah, yes, Mr. Rivers. I remember you. Tell me, what is so important that you so rudely interrupted me?” Harry asked lightly, looking at the man straight in the eye.

The auror replied, “You are making a disturbance and I must ask you to stop at once for the benefit of the rest of the guests.”

Harry chuckled and stood up, his five foot eleven frame looking small in comparison to Andrew's six foot one frame.

“Why, is that true, Mr. Rivers?” Harry replied, slapping the Junior Auror on the back.

The sixteen year old turned to the remaining inhabitants of the room and asked gently, “Am I truly being such a bother?”

Two other men and a woman glanced at each other, each having a silent conversation between each other. They were each wearing fancier robes than the average warlock, but they were nothing compared to Harry's.

“Well, Mr. Potter, your … discussions were interesting...” the first man began hesitantly, unsure of how to approach the issue and not annoy Harry who had the means to enact financial revenge on his company.

Harry's eyes brightened in good humor as he replied, “Why, thank you, Mr … what was it, ah, Maxwell. I was afraid that you would have said ramblings. After all, it would have been such a shame that a incredible mind such as mine would fall to ravages of time so soon. I still have seventy years left before I go barmy and I wish to live them to the fullest.” Harry chuckled in response to his own reply.

“What was the device you were working on?” the woman replied suddenly. Harry surmised in a second that she was a secretary to Mr. Maxwell due to her submissive nature to the man in question. “Is it another product that you are planning to sell in the near future?”

Harry continued to smile as he removed the prototype from his robes and replied, “This here is the prototype for a Deluminator that, although has the same capabilities as Albus Dumbledore's original one released to the public in 1987, is much cheaper than the metallic ones currently on the market. The reason? It's made of wood.”

“That's impressive” one of the security guards replied, not moving his sight from the single door in front of him. “Wood, despite its versatility, has its limits in regards to power. ”

“That's true” Harry replied triumphantly, glad that someone could recognize his brilliance. “Wood has served as an ideal catalyst for flux transfer, but its limits on power output has prevented Wizarding kind from fully reaching our magical potential. With this invention, it is possible that within my lifetime that we could overcome Yanglond's Power Rule of Wood.”

“In society, the Null Deluminator will cut down production costs and prices in the market. This will increase market efficiency and thus free up money to be used to develop new products that will help increase our standard of living.” Harry finished, holding up the Null Deluminator for the three people to see.

“Is it finished? It looks complete and it doesn't look that complicated.” the third man asked, looking at the Deluminator.

Harry sighed, yet another man who fails to see the magnitude of his accomplishments. “Unfortunately, no. More testing needs to be...”

The door opened behind the four businessmen, admitting a tall, blonde haired man wearing aristocratic robes and a small cane. His face was chiseled by his upper class upbringing and his grey eyes barely spared a glance at the middle class populace before setting his eyes on Harry.

Harry's eyes brightened as the new arrival entered, the last man the occupants were waiting for. “Lucius!” Harry exclaimed, completely ignoring the man he was just talking to. “It's good to see you again!”

Lucius nodded and replied, “It is good to see you again, Harry.” The man and the teenager extended their hands, shaking each other in greeting. “How goes your company?”

Harry grinned at the question. “Just splendid, Lucius. I'm about to reveal the latest version of my products and demand has never been higher. I'm having trouble supplying all of my customers on a timely basis.”

“That is a good sign, Harry. People want your product which means they want you.” Lucius stated, looking down at his feet, frowning. With a snap of his fingers, a ratty looking house elf appeared, trying his best to remain unthreatening.

“Dobby! Where are the documents I specifically requested for Mr. Potter?” Lucius harshly declared, looking at the house elf with contempt and anger.

“Dobby shall get documents for Master.” the house elf said croakedly, summoning the documents from Mr. Malfoy's study. With a tremble, the elf gave them to Lucius who looked through them before glancing back down at Dobby.

“Well, what are you waiting for? Get back home!” Lucius snarled. The house elf quickly followed his Master's orders, leaving the room free from his presence.

Harry looked at Lucius with a questioning gaze. “I though you got rid of him?” the teenager asked lightly as he accepted the documents from Lucius.

"I'm afraid that familial obligations prevented me from doing so." Lucius said lightly.

Harry hummed in agreement as he glanced through the documents detailing future corporate alliances with the House of Malfoy. “I was just stating my surprise. That Elf almost killed me during my last year at Durmstang with a rogue Bludger trying to 'protect me' from something or other. Like what, Voldemort?” Harry ignored the shiver that came from everyone around him except Lucius. “He's been dead for thirteen years. Despite what Dumbledore is trying to say.” Harry said darkly.

“I'm surprised you're complaining about the venerable headmaster, Harry. His words help your profits.” Lucius replied lightly.

“His delusions have a negligible effect on my profits and only my own actions and your support have helped me reach the financial state I'm in now.” Harry replied, absently signing the documents before handing them back to Lucius. “Besides, there is no evidence for his claims except for isolated events that are easily explained away.”

Lucius opened his mouth to reply again, but Andrew Rivers beat him to it. “Gentlemen, it's time”

Harry and Lucius glared at the man for interrupting them, but complied, standing next to each other in front of the door leading out to the Ministry Atrium.

“You ready?” Harry replied, not looking at his original financial backer.

Lucius gave an imperceptible nod. "Of course. I've been doing this since your parents were born. You?"

Harry was silent for a moment. "Of course. I'm always ready."

The two men stepped out into the Ministry Atrium, the entrance way into the British Embassy. They were standing at one end of a very long and splendid hall with a highly polished, dark wood floor. The peacock-blue ceiling was inlaid with gleaming golden symbols that were continually moving and changing like some enormous heavenly notice board. The walls on each side were paneled in shiny dark wood and had many gilded fireplaces set into them. Normally, every few seconds a witch or wizard would emerge from one of the left-hand fireplaces with a soft whoosh; on the right-hand side, short queues of wizards would form before each fireplace, waiting to depart.

However, today, scores of wizards and witches crowded around a small empty aisle way free for the two business tycoons to travel through. Hundreds of signs were raised, each displaying various pictures of Harry or the symbol his company used as its trademark. A circle inscribed in a triangle which was bisected by a line.

Harry raised his hands and waved as he and Lucius walked through the crowd, smiling at all of his customers before him. The outrcy was tremendous. For in front of them was a prodigy, a genius who had done incredible things at such a young age.

Harry smirked and continued walking down the aisle way, soaking in all of the attention directed at him. He loved this, being at the heart of attention, being the man of the hour, he craved this. He had reached this point all by himself, with the only noticeable exception being Lucius's starting capital he had be given to start his company.

As he walked through the aisle, the crowd screamed questions at him.

“Mr. Potter, where do you think your company is heading to in the coming years?”

“Who would you credit for your successes in the business world?”

“What do you have to say about the ICW's efforts to restrict and regulate your company on grounds of international security?”

"What do you have to say about allegations accusing you of war profiteering?"

"What is your opinion on the rise of the Pureblood movement in Western Europe?"

"The thirteenth anniversary of your defeat of He Who Must Not Be Named is fast approaching. Do you have any words to say about this?"

Harry paid no attention to his roaring fans as he and Lucius reached the end of the line where two men waited for them. One of them was wearing relatively simple robes, but his body language screamed pompousness and arrogance. The man's beady little eyes looked at the two business tycoons, almost naked greed and pride gleaming in his gaze.

The second man was dressed in much more outlandish clothes, bright purple in color. His white hair and bread were long and the man's eyes twinkled in a way almost nobody could do. However, behind the man's blue eyes lay a veneer of seriousness, of concern and … regret?

Harry turned his smile towards the smaller, beady eye man and replied, “Thank you for the honor, Minister. I am grateful for your hospitality.”

Minister Fudge smiled back and replied, “It is no trouble, my boy, to honor such a well known and successful businessman such as yourself and Mister Malfoy.”

Lucius merely nodded and turned to Headmaster Dumbledore, “Albus, I did not expect to see you here today. What brings you out of Hogwarts?”

Dumbledore chuckled and replied lightly, “Oh, nothing at all. Merely the curiosity of an old man,"

Harry's eyes narrowed as he took the Headmaster in. Liar. Just a social visit wouldn't necessitate leaving his job at Hogwarts. He had to be on ICW business to be able to leave his school. And considering the event today... it was about his company and their attempts at restraining him. Damn it.

Harry's mind was torn from its thoughts when two hands grabbed his shoulders and guided him to a side seat. Harry glared at Dumbledore angrily and replied, “You didn't have to do that.”

“Why of course I did, my boy. You wouldn't have wanted to miss the introduction to your own Order of Merlin Third Class now would you?” Dumbledore replied grandfatherly, gesturing to an open seat in between Lucius and Dumbledore's own. Harry accepted the seat grudgingly and leaned back as another man walked up to the podium to begin the presentation.

Fin​

And there is the end point of what I have written. So, thoughts? Suggestions? Criticisms?

Thanks!

 

Hey like I said, culture diferences. I had no idea what hazing mean. And really, while the "trote" isn't mereley pranking, it's not pure hazing. A mix o fboth, since many people like it. But to us here, is the closest we get to pranking.

"commoners"
Nagh, reminds too much of racial problem. Even peasants is better.

"a man red in the face and wearing average clothes and a Ministry badge "
Bad. Better: a man with red face wearing a Ministry badge

"but those eyes, despite how bright they were, contained an inner darkness and amorality that you shouldn't find in someone so young."
Are we in Dresden Files? Eyes are expressive, but you can't see someones soul like. And the way you wrote is like fom a really bad fic. Cut it.

"If I am, that would be terribly rude of me"
Change it.

"Mr. Potter" "Mr.Malfoy" and then out of the blue: "Lucius" "Harry". If you wanted to show they are close, don't star with last names and simply change it for no reason.

"I would have if Draco hadn't been so stupid as to insult the owner of the main House Elf provider in Britain.” Lucius answered bitterly, no doubt annoyed with his son's actions, “Now I can't get one until the owner sees fit to allow me back!”
So OOC that mey eyes hurt.

"You ready, old man? Wouldn't want your pimp cane to do all the work”
Really? Insult banter after so much dialogie with none? Again, be more consistent.

"I bet your wife is as well in bed. Tell me, how far can she bend?”
That's not friendly insult, that's freaking heavy. And again, why? Consistency problem. This one should be cut. And also, Tony isn't vulgar, why should Harry be? A vulgar Harry can be good, but you didn't write him like that.

"He could distinctly hear several girls moan at his body and how they wished that he would show his bare chest"
Freaky and horrible. Cut it.

“Is it true that you slept with Quidditch star Melinda Barns?”
A reporte can't ask that to a 16 year old ina damn press coference. That's fucked up.

“Oh, nothing really Lucius. I merely wanted to see the young prodigy again.”
Not heavy OOC, but it's definitely not old Dumbles dialogue.

I would give it a 3, after the changes 3,5. Definitely needs polishing. You are grasping Tony personakity quite well, a little more and he would be a great character. But the others are bad, realky bad. Work on them before everything else. And like O said, consistency. Ypu are really lacking.

 

Fuck you for ruining head-Fleur for me, Warlocke! Now that shit's going to haunt me.

On the accent:

Do a mix of both; keep some key words, such as Harry's name (as "'Arry'") as phonetically written, throw in a few obvious French words such as "Oui" and "Non" over yes and no, and just plop in the narrative text that he loves the way she rolls her r's, or something.

"Oui, 'Arry," Fleur said, grinning toothily. "Kinky sex in ze garden shed sounds good, non?"

 

@Invictus: As I said, this is my first time writing Harry Potter and I frankly expected that score. I don't have the characters down yet. I'll edit it when I get the chance (on my phone right now).

I'm still interested in continuing this. Thank you for the suggestions. Any more help would be appreciated.

EDIT: I've edited the story. Go take a look.

 

An much better. Without a doubt at least a 3,5. The story is too short to have a real feeling but you certainly can write a good story. Looking forward for more.

 

Just a problem with your timeline, Samus (unless your AU has mixed up some of the dates): Harry Potter was born in 1980, yet you said he's sixteen and it's only 1994. Also you said the 13th anniversary of his defeat of Voldemort was coming, so he should be about 14 (which fits with it being 1994).

Anyway I think what you have is pretty good. One problem is that tone isn't conveyed very well through text so your Harry comes off a bit overly formal. Using words like "splendid" probably didn't help. Maybe just work on your phrasing.

Also, your character is arrogant and narcissistic like Tony Stark, but it isn't coming off as well. Stark does it in a kind of mocking way, whereas when you write about how Harry craves the attention of the cheering crowd it kind of comes off more like mini-Lockhart.

I don't know if I properly expressed what I meant but regardless I'm hoping to see more (especially your take on Fleur).