Allow me to be the first to say, Awww Yeah.

Besides that, which cousin is Lara talking about?

 

Perhaps Lara was referring to Madeline?

Nice work Jon, good shit as usual.

5/5

 

I wasn't sure if it was her, or her brother.

 

It's unlikely to be Madrigal since we know Inari dislikes him.

 

I think this is perhaps the fanfiction equivalent of the Force Unleashed really. great idea,poor execution. Jon seems to be stuck between writing a smut fic and a real plot heavy story and he eventually fails at both.

To start off , it's been a while since I read the beginning of the fic but I find myself disturbed by how easily Harry allowed himself to be blackmailed into protecting Inari, now I know Harry will do anything for his friends but...really. He gets a few smooches and a "Dont-Make-Daddy-Mad" speech from Lara and he's a White Court slave basically. I mean he doesn't even really consider resistance not once, even later on. This is not the boy who stood up to Voldemort all those times.If this was a smut fic I could let it go, but considering the direction you're going in, no way.

Another serious problem is the actual plot of your fic. It seems to be more a loose series
of events and interactions than a linear storyline.Harry goes somewhere,Harry fights, Harry apparates away. Then Harry spends the next chapter cuddling a Raith or completing some inane task before he cuddles. Considering the space of your updates it's fairly frustrating.You hinted at something with the gun so I don't know whether you're working up to it but still. It's just a thin veneer of plot around constant cock-teasing. And my cock is not amused, Jon, not at all.

On the topic of cuddling Raiths: you portrayal of the White Court is great like the rest of your writing but they are so damned toothless.Jim butcher never hesistated to show us just what we were dealing with: evil predators who would suck your soul out while you scream in ecstasy.It's what made Dresden's interaction with them all the more suspenseful. Is he gonna- no, will she?but there's no sense of jeopardy to these vampires, kinda like Twilight.I can understand them trying to hide it from Harry, nut you can only hide your nature for so long. I mean, Lord Raith is at the head still but I just can't imagine Lara being so docile in his absence, especially when there's fresh food hanging right before her. I don't know about you but I can't remember seeing a predator sleep in the same bed as prey and not take at least a small bite, especially when the prey puts up the smallest and most inconsistent of resistance. Man the fuck up HP!

This really seems to be going in no real direction. If this was HP only it would probably be down there but the lack of good Dresden fics means this is the pick off the litter. But it's got lots of potential and the basic language is splendid and some of the character interactions did make me smile.

3/5. Potential for 5/5 if something actually happens.

 

How so? It felt good to get off my chest.

 

Can I send you booze? y'know as motivation? Or if you need something stronger I know this Jamaican guy-

 

Don't go playing with my heart, dude.

 

For a while there, I was really confused. Last I read this story, you ended on a cliff hanger with Harry in an elevator.

And then he is suddenly talking with Inari on a love seat back at Raith mansion.

I was very confused.

I went backwards in the thread (here at DLP) and made sure I didn't miss a post, as it had been a while since I had made it to DLP.

But no, it seemed I didn't. I was all set to begin writing a review on how disappointed I was about not finding out the Duchess's reaction to Harry playing with fire.

And then I had the bright idea to click on the Fanfiction.net link that was posted earlier in this thread. And low and behold, the missing scene is posted there.

Now, after reading the scene I was missing, I am somewhat satisfied with the chapter conclusion. I still can't decide if the Duchess knew what happened or not, but I assume you will reveal that later. For some reason, I find the Duchess an interesting character, even though she hasn't been that important of a character yet, possibly because I don't know her intentions.

Also, when I originally read the part on how Harry survived the elevator, I thought that someone else had saved him. The way it was worded gave me that impression. Having re-read that section for comprehension, it seems more like he did it himself, though he doesn't know how.

Or that bloody kiss on his hand is more then what it seems. I got the impression that the strange power mentioned at the end of chapter 6 was something Harry didn't know about, and is either the power he used to defeat Voldermort, or some strange power that the Duchess put into her bloody kiss. Since it doesn't say which hand he was looking at, I can only speculate, but the mention in the new scenes that the bloody kiss still isn't gone away raises my suspicions.

I might just be reading to much into it though. As I never read the last Harry Potter book, I have no idea what The Power He Knows Not was like.

Not much to say about the two new scenes, besides that I found both entertaining and the first cute. I especially liked the end of Harry's conversation with Madeline. Both scenes seemed for more characterization then plot, which is fine. I tend to be more plot focused (or speculating on potential plot).

I look foreword to seeing how this story continues to develop. I am going to have to make sure I don't go weeks without visiting DLP again. I feel like I missed a lot, even though it doesn't look like it.

 

Bitch got served. :mrgreen: Also, I feel as if a smutty version of this would not go amiss....:awesome

Edit: Fuck how did I miss that?

 

Jon, you may be pure evil, but your story is light and frothy good times. I hate that chick (she deserves everything she gets). I'm glad Harry is still able to cut her off. Show her a lesson. And stop writing omakes just because the fanboys are out of fap material. It only contributes to their shame.

 

THIS IS A STORY ONLY THREAD!!!

 

Let the Mods/Admins/Jon handle this lanceavalon.

 

Embarrassingly, I hadn't even noticed that the review threads had been moved.

So, now I feel stupid.