I'm getting the feeling that the rewrite should probably be The Dark Arts and not The Alternates. Anyway, any problems?

 

I remember reading this a long time ago and enjoying it, so thought I'd try the rewrite. I've just finished the first chapter and love it. I'll give a better review later when I've actually got into the meat of the story but I can already tell I'm going to really enjoy this story.

Your description of the summoning and the entity were fantastic.

 

So update, I want to unch Lily in the face... I forgot how to use spoiler tag so I wont comment on why.

 

Er, ok, that's an interesting reaction I didn't expect.

 

I figured tossing Death as a name everywhere would get real old quickly for me personally. I keep a lot of elements from the original, but it is a major rewrite. IRC did not steer you wrong, I prefer my second try.

 

I was pretty confused by the last chapter. Don't have a clue about what happened in the scene with Thana.

 

If you are able to identify problem spots, please do so. I certainly don't mind editing my chapters for a better quality.

EDIT: Russ, You don't have the slightest idea? Well, that's worrying.

 

Went back and reread that part. Are we supposed to know what Tartarus is within story? Or is it something you are supposed to know out of Greek Mythos, because I didn't recognize the name. Also is Harry supposed to know what that is? If he is then you could of said Tartarus the land of the dead or something for clarity.

The loud scream and the "something dying." Is that the girl he was attached to in the hospital dying? If so I wouldn't know that until after reading the latter scenes.

I have trouble telling time periods and locations in this story because you pick up in the middle of a scene within the head of a character whose thoughts are surreal. For example at the start of this chapter for some reason I thought Lily was in a flashback scene to Halloweenish talking about her wand, because of the immediate accompanying James scene. Then we go back to the present with Dumbledore but it takes me a while to tell that it's actually in the present again.

Since I find it hard to follow I'm always annoyed when authors don't let me know which character I'm reading about at the very start of a scene. If it's meant to be a shrouded figure who we aren't sure of the identity of its fine, but if it reveals it mid scene I'd rather have just known all along and not wandered along confused.

I have to reorient myself every scene change in this story, which is fine to a small degree, but sometimes it takes longer then I'd like.

 

I'm enjoying this quite a bit; I'm not sure what's going on, but I have a few guesses. That said, I'm excitedly waiting for the big reveal, as I'm quite enjoying the story so far

 

Harry doesn't know, if the reader does more power to them but it isn't expected, and yes, not knowing until the later scenes is intended. What isn't intended is the chapter frame setting causing problems with clarity :/

 

I don't think it does. It is a bit more obscure than your run of the mill straightforward fanfiction but is that a bad thing? I found the chapter mildly confusing, because I read it as a new chapter on ff.net at first (I quit at 1/5th or something). It was not suited as a read before work. Then, when I reread it later as a piece of original fiction it was quite enjoyable and very clear. Harry, Lily and Dumbledore are all very "in character" so to speak.
Nothing made me suspect that it was a retrospection or something similar. Do not suit your fic to please all the readers, please.

 

It's just that its the same issue that caused the massively polarizing reviews of the original version, I kind of wanted to avoid having half my readers going :dafuq? So I'm a bit sensitive about falling back into old "breadcrumb" habits.

 

The old version has almost nothing to do with this one. This is a horror or a mystery, the other was high fantasy (yes, I would classify it as such, it was all too "clean" and orderly for me, though still decent it was not as good as this).

The rewrite should have it own thread, I think. It has so little to do with the original, apart from the premise, that it should not be connected with it, it should stand on its own two feet, as the saying goes.

 

Starting to feel the same, if only just because The Dark Arts subforum fits it much better. Live and learn.

 

make a new thread. had about 3 paragraph of 5 line each explaining my tought on the story, lost it all when I pressed backspace and it closed the damn tab, twice. too mad to do it again, wait till tomorow. maybe then I wont have to deal with this shitty laptop. had it for 2 year and I still cant use its keyboard without fuckingmyself over 3-4 time a day

 

Post it in it's brand spanking new Review thread.