Title: Harry Potter and the Combat Butler
Author: Andrew Joshua Talon
Rating: M
Genre: Humor
DLP Category: Humor/Parody
Pairing: Undecided, Not H/G or R/Hr
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: Crack! Alternate take on Harry's fifth year. What happens when the disowned, slightly insane Squib son of Lucius Malfoy agrees to come back to Wizarding Britain to serve as Harry's bodyguard? Not a self-insert. Rated for language and innuendo, no slash.
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4028690/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Combat_Butler

Well, here's the first story I've recommended here. It's crack and humor, plain and simple. Yes, an OC has a big role in it, but Castor is actually one of the more intresting characters I've read about.

Also, it seems that this story will, in no cases, have Harry/Ginny. Here's a direct excerpt:

I'll give it a 4.5/5.

EDIT: And I forgot to put the Author's Name and Story Rating in the title. Can someone change that?

 

I'd give it a 1/5 just for

 

This story has several annoying cliches, some lame attempts at humor (kicking Dursley's balls isn't funny), an OC which happens to be one of the two main characters... So tell me now, WHY THE FUCK do I keep on reading this?... What's wrong with me? :|

 

Sheez, you just can't stop bitching.

The story is average, but it has an certain appeal. It's just a shamed that he makes Castor (which is a completely stupid name) so politically correct. It just gave me the feeling that he doesn't assumed the so-called ambiguity of his character.

It's a descent read when you have nothing to do.

 

TripticWriter, did you lose your ability to speak coherent English? I speak out of curiosity. I guess your location being France has something to do with it, but the weird thing is that I couldn't tell that you weren't a native speaker with some of your earlier posts.

 

Eh, I suppose it's alright for a quick read. Nothing spectacular though

3/5

 

No lolz = no love

2/5, because the Giants won the Superbowl, and I'm still high off that.

 

I've seen the "looks like your mum" thing in a Harry/Hermione story before. Can't remember now, but it's not an innovative argument.

Somewhat innovative approach, but it has several points I dislike.

-A Malfoy that is not a haughty aristocrat and a Pureblood promoter, even if he has a good reason to be one or not is like a Cellphone using Voldemort. The two just don't mix.
-Castor has used the term "Dark Wankers" in the first chapter. It's these little things that piss me off. Insulting your enemy with childish taunts is idiotic and cartoon like. Speaking respectfully to and about your enemy shows maturity, elegance and respect.

"Messieurs les anglais, tirez les premiers!"

I would like to see that sort of respect, such as between two old enemies between Harry and the Dark Lord, not schoolyard insults.

-Last point sadly, it has Muggle Power!!!!. In my eyes, that has the potential for major failure. I know it is Squib Power, but it is in essence the same thing.

2/5, 3/5 if you like the genre.

 

Heh.

Lord Voldemort paced the massive chamber, wherein the Orb of Destiny, the Sword of Forever, and the Big Pointy Stick of Death lay. Instead of chanting some ritual, or perhaps preparing to crucio one of his underlings, he was frantically punching keys on a small device in his hands.

"Goddammit Wormtounge! I can't get any fucking reception!"

Meanwhile, Harry had suceeded in rescuing the three magical mcguffins, blown up the chamber, had a hot threesome with Fleur and her Mom, been witness to Hermione admitting to her homosexuality, and spearing Ginny and Ron with her ten-foot long dildo. Harry was extremely lucky that she had accepted his offer to share his bedchamber, even if she only fucked his whores. Sure beat wanking while thinking of that time he had accidentally caught his Aunt in the shower.

 

...

NFL is the National Fail League. Take off the pads, guys. D: Only women were pads.

(Note: Note, No I dont watch American Football. Its not interesting. Even Rugby, which I've seen a grand total of 20 minutes of, is more interesting.)

 

I grinned at a lot of it.
Albus has some depth: he isn't the manipulative-to-the-point-of-being-evil Headmaster that so many fanficcers use instead of character development. As the author pointed out - any character who has common sense and spine makes it to GaryStu in JKR's world. Snape had both, so JKR made him one of the most unpleasant jerks ever to be a Good Guy. Castor is fun.
It's billed as crackfic, and that's what is delivered.

4/5 (Let's see if he keeps it interesting and unpredictable.)

 

1. National "Fail" League: I agree, American football isn't THE most interesting sport (that's soccer, or REAL football, IMO), but please never say that again - that was extremely gay.

2. The constant argument that people bring up on the 'validity' of rugby over American football is the lack of pads - so what? I think that playing American football with the level of padding that they wear, and still being able to cause extreme injury and perform at the speed/power that they do is admirable. There's nothing "weak" about wearing 20lbs worth of pads and still being able to run a 40 yrd. dash in the low 5's/high 4's range.

I'm done; back to the topic of Combat Butler....

 

Not to mention, the *reason* the US mandates full-head-and-face helmets is because of the season that NINETEEN professional football players were killed or paralyzed. In 1968 alone, 32 football fatalities were recorded in organized play - college and pro, across the country. Note the word "fatalities."
These rules aren't weak - they are SMART. Testosterone poisoning isn't a good excuse for stupidity. If you want a blood sport, and broken bones and major ligament damage doesn't satisfy you, try going down to the first turn at a Thoroughbred race track or hang out at the fences during a professional steeplechase event.
Of course, the jockeys wear helmets, too.

 

Meh? What's wrong with my sentences? Do tell, since it sounds right to me and I want to know the mistakes I did. I can see a few but nothing that should earn a comment like that. Maybe I am just too fucking tired.

And yes I am 100% French :banana: .

 

Here, mistakes spotted by a 75% Russian.
P.S. I dropped the story when I got to the sword-fighting. My cliche-alert can take only so much of that shit.
2/5

 

Has nothing to do with with being weak or not being "strong" or fast. Any two bit jock with a few grand can pump up on steroids and get that big and have it gone from their system before tests are needed.

NFL used to be worth watching, 10 or 15 years ago when there wasn't 6 minutes of game and 10 minutes of commercials. Bud's smeared its logo feces all over the game for decades. but the commercialism of it no longer makes it worth watching.

Also, the wait between waiting for one play to end and another to begin is annoying at best and enough to make me turn if off at worst. Ive yet to watch a game all season this year. But I still get to say this because its on every channel on TV:

Fuck, the Pats blew it didn't they? ^_^ Arrogant dicks got cocky at playing a team that started 0-2. Easy win, amirite?! ONOES! We lossed!

 

An is incorrect, you only use "an" when you have a vowel before the noun: an elephant, an egg, an hour [h is silent] otherwise it's always "a".

Shame (in this instance) is a noun, not a verb. You're saying, "It's just too bad" when you're saying, "It's just a shame"

You never conjugate the verb after does/do/didn't; it's always the infinitive of the second verb.

edit: After rereading this sentence, I'm going to have to raise my hand on this one. I can't make heads or tails of it.

"He doesn't assume the so-called ambiguity of his character." is wishy washy; I don't get what you mean. The character is ambiguous (but you don't think he is) and the author assumes that the character is ambiguous? What are you criticizing? Is the author writing his character as though it were more complex than it actually is?

Just a spelling goof (or unless you intentionally picked the wrong word). Decent. Descent is the noun for "a trip downward" ie:

"That book is a descent into hell."


Your English isn't bad though, common errors I see often. I probably would have never guessed your native language wasn't English (well, the "didn't assumed" is a glaring hint in that direction, but otherwise, nothing major).

 

I've been reading this since its inception over at The Fanfiction Forum (presumptive name for an invision.com board, amirite?). It's basically an inside joke that got put on ff.net. 2/5 because it wasn't as bad as the initial version.

 

Its alright. Made me laugh quite a few times. Only problem I got with it is its heading towards H/Hr *gag*. I'll give it a 3/5.

 

Reading this I was reminded of my earlier days in fanfiction.

Stories with empty environments, oh-so-clever in oh-so-typical way characters. One dimensional Sirius, ride-along Harry, etc etc etc.

A line here and there made me grin, but its like reading a frame of a story.

This is below average, and almost formulaic faniction in its category.

2/5 because there are much worse things out there, and that it really did make me grin once.