Title: Harry Potter and The Goblet of Ice
Author: Yunaine
Rating: T
Genre: General
DLP Category: Time Travel Fic's
Pairing: Harry/Fem!Harry
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: Even when Harry is betrayed by those he called friends, he manages to defeat Voldemort. With his destiny fulfilled he is finally free... but fate is not done with Harry Potter yet. AU HarryFem!Harry Complete Rewrite from SilverAegis' Story
Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3994668/1/Harry_Potter_and_The_Goblet_of_Ice

I don't know if authors themselves place links here, so I hope this isn't frowned upon. I would love some critical reviews so I can either adjust the story or completely remove it, depending on how bad it is .
Only question I have is concerning the Rating, I put on "T" because that should be ok, but I see that some people with similar stories used "M" for some weird reason. Should I change or are those with similar stories wrong? Or is it just because of the Harry/Fem!Harry that the rating "M" should be used?

Thanks for any reviews/comments that are placed, I'll dig my way through them and adjust if necessary.

Note: Changed story title and corrected spelling mistakes etc. New link is up, fanfiction still displayes the old link in the profile though

 

My god, this story is becoming like the severitus challenge, considering how many rewrites I've seen of it of late. Clearly, it's because Fem!Harry is just that sexy.

 

This is like the third re-write of this I've seen in like 2 weeks, lol.

Anyways no, the M rating for the others isn't because of the pairing. Its because of the violence and or sex. So unless your story is pretty graphic in violence or sex scenes, you can use a T rating.

 

The story shouldn't be too graphic about voilence. The amount of violence will be about the same as in chapter one, repeated perhaps in one or two chapters after that in the entire story.
Sex might be insinuated but definitely no written scenes. I'm sure the lemon cutters can write up some scenes for their own imagination, but they won't come in the story.

As for the amount of re-writes of that story. It is probably because there aren't a lot of stories about that pairing. Combine that with the fact that not a single of those stories is finished and almost nobody seems to update them then it doesn't really matter how many re-writes there are.
Currently there is one other author that is also adjusting the universe to his own imagination and I believe another one that is cleaning up SilverAegis' story and will continue that one.
I could pick another one of SilverAegis' stories (yes, they intrigue me and definitely in combination with other stories) but this one seemed the most fun to begin with. I could of course make another wonderfull Harry/Ginny pairing with lots of twinkly Dumbledore and shouting of the fiery little -annoying- redhead? But for some reason I don't think I would survive writing even 100 words...

 

Maybe if at least someone thought of a new title ...

 

It seemed like a pretty good start. The dialogue was a little stilted in places. Try livening it up a little with some more colloquial speech patterns. I'd go back and check for spelling and grammar errors.

 

A few cliche ideas from the beginning (betrayal, money stealing etc), but it's almost impossible nowdays to come up with something original...

However... using "where" instead of "were" constantly, having friendly goblins ... oh, and this elaborated will punishing all those betrayers....

well, so far 2/5

 

I could change the title to something different of course. My sincere apologies to try and keep the same title so that at least some credit is given to where the idea came from?
I also keep in consideration that people might search for stories on fanfiction. One of those searches that I have used myself is "Girl Who Lived" to find all of those relevant stories. Should I change it to "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Narcissus" or something? As I stated in the first post, advice is appreciated, which is why I made this post. Remarks on fanfiction.net are almost always positive and only ask for updates.

Thank you for the reply Xiph and I will be rewriting the chapter to remove the mistakes. A beta would indeed be preferred but I have not a clue where to look for one. And I would not even know if the beta himself/herself would be any good.
English is my second language and mistakes are made indeed. That is the reason, again, that I have posted it here so I can remove them.

Cliche idea's were pretty unavoidable. If you see how many stories there currently are on fanfiction in the category of Harry Potter, then it would be a miracle to make a complete original story.

Edit: Updated the story to remove the mistakes pointed out by Xiph. All of the where/were errors should be gone too.

Ps: This is my first fanfiction, so you can keep calling me a newbie. At least I'm learning at the moment and I would gladly keep taking in changes. I could of course only read fanfiction comments and get a big head but I think everyone here knows that those replies can be generally ignored over there.
The chapter should have been around 6.000 words but since I eventually wrote out conversations instead of quick reviews and annoying flashbacks it finally became 12.000 words. All next chapters should be of a lower quantity. I wanted to keep the 'original universe' down to one chapter instead of more chapters.

 

Frankly I'm just tired of people hopping over to DLP on a whim and whoring their shitty stories without following board guidelines or rules.

If you're going to write in English, learn the language.

If you aren't fluent in the language, find a beta who is.

And post a fucking introduction so we can judge you on your personality, otherwise you'll just be another whore with a shat story.

 

Changed storytitle and link has been modified:
http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3994668/1/Harry_Potter_and_The_Goblet_of_Ice

Profile-page is still linking to the old-version. It probably takes some time before they update those pages.

The entire chapter has also passed through a spellings-checker from the U.K. My apologies for not doing this before I posted it here or even on fanfiction.

Napoleon, you might be tired but I assure you that I really don't care how tired someone like you is. I accept criticism and I will make changes where needed. Your note might have some information, but I can say that at least my personality isn't as arrogant as yours.
"hop over to DLP on a whim" - I've read a lot on DLP; I just never bothered posting because most things where stated in previous posts.
"whore their shitte stories" - If you can write more easily than me, congratulations to you. Do you need a party to go with that?
"post a fucking introduction" - I followed the board rules with the post here, no introduction is required. I would rather not make an introduction to someone like you.
If you can 'lash out', then you can expect it straight back. Now go to the care-board and go complain in general instead of moaning here.

 

Newbie seems to have a good attitude, and is taking help. Give 'em a chance maybe?

To the OP:~ You might want to post your chapters in Work By Author for help. As long as you don't spam the section, there are always people willing to point out what can be improved.

Will read and review in a bit.

 

I'm glad you didn't have Narcissus in the title - I've already used it.

I like the concept of an Ice Mage, but much of the rest is cliched. You've taken the whole veelacharm resistant Harry cliche to the extreme with his encounter with Fleur - and there's no need.

Your writing itself is simplistic, and not always in a good way. There's a lot of redundancy.

And then there's the whole issue of Harry "snapping" and realizing why the Dursleys have hated him.

I do like his straightforward manner in dealing with the goblins. Again, this could be inherent of the simplicity of your writing, but hey, it's fine.

The passive voice is practically all there is, ie. "Sitting at the table were most of the Weasleys". Try using less "to be" verbs, and it'll read much better.

As it is, I'll give it a 2/5.

 

If the topic belongs in 'Work by Author', would it be possible for an admin to move the tread then? Recreating a second tread would possible pop a vein with Napoleon.

The snapping part was more of a 'spur of the moment', it would be best removed since he already knew that after Hagrid had come to get him from the Dursleys the first time.

And if you have any suggestions to a nice book to read which has information on decent English writing then I would be more than happy to read it.
I had a decent teacher for a couple of years but the last two years of English class were a complete waste of time by a teacher that couldn't even spreak the language in any correct way. She could speak English the way I could speak French... by butchering the entire language.

 

Check FanFic Discussion... there were a few topics about improving your writing style....

 

To a certain extent Xiph0 is right: good grammar is needed.

However, there comes a point in writing when correct grammar is no longer the be-all and end-all of writing. Authors are allowed to break the rules in favour of style. Now, some rules are simply unbreakable and breaking then would result in utter incomprehensibility. But smaller rules can be bent or broken. Stuff like starting sentences with "and" or "but", or missing out the subject, provided the sentence is preceded by another sentence that makes the subject clear.

But you've got to pick your battles. Before you break rules, you've got to know them inside out so that you know what to break and when, and when to stick to the correct usage.

And I get the feeling from this story that you don't know that, so Xiph0 is right.

On a non-grammatical note, there was nothing about this story that stood out at me. It was not actively terrible, but it wasn't something I'd read either, even to waste some time.

2/5

 

Just because it isn't original doesn't make it a cliche. There is a huge difference.