Title: Harry Potter and the Hero's Path
Author: Blindhealer87
Rating: M
Genre: Adventure/Romance
DLP Category: Independent Harry
Pairing: H/Hr
Status: Work in Progress
Summary: At the age of seven, Harry learns that he is a wizard and grows to become the hero that the wizarding world needs. No slash! Cheers!

Link: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3943812/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Heros_Path

I'm new with this forum and with writting fanfictions, but I would like help if anyone feels up to it.

 

Not the best grammar, a few cliché, nothing spectacular though entertaining. But definitely not worthy of the DLP library.

2/5

Edit: And this post is in the wrong forum...

 

I read the first two chapters which were alright. Some of the grammar really hurts the flow of the story.

Having Griphook show up just screams cliche, even if he is not very important. If you change to a different goblin, you can avoid people rolling their eyes at the story in the first chapter.

Seven year old Harry's can be hard to write without making them cheesy, so be careful about that.

For some reason, I get an error when I try to navigate to your third chapter, so I will try later and continue the story.

Basically, from the two chapters I read, I was intrigued enough to continue, but you can make the story much better by trying to improve the spelling and the grammar instead of just leaving it as is with a warning about your writing.

 

If a chapter doesn't work when it should, try adding a '0' before the chapter number in the URL...

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3943812/03/Harry_Potter_and_the_Heros_Path

... and magically it works.

 

Harry Potter and the Hero's Path? Independent Harry?
...

Whoa, I was afraid that I would have to rip you a new one for stealing Jack of Diamonds' stuff...

 

What are you talking about? I made this myself.

 

You obviously either lying or have only recently got a intrest in HP fanfiction. There is another fanfic with the same name as yours it is much older and much better , also it is the same genere.

Edit=
Here the link http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2869936/1/Harry_Potter_and_the_Heros_Path
2,6k reviews on that site alone.
Published: 03-31-06 also I think I saw it on a different site before that.

Edit 2: <offtopic> FF.net fucking up for anybody else? Giving this error

HTML:

FanFiction.Net ErrorAn exception error has occurred while processing your request.

 

Just sent JackofDiamonds an email. Yeah, I've read a few fanfictions, but I've never heard of his before.

 

Follow what Inky said and put a 0 in front of the chapter number. It worked for me.

 

Son of a bitch, I thought this was a new chapter of Jack's story. -_-

 

MOVED to For Review.

Blindhealer87, the "Work by Author" section is where you would post actual text of chapters for feedback and assistance in polishing your chapters. Or to simply post the content of your story on our site. "For review" is where people will give you feedback on the content and quality of your story. As well as determine whether it's up to the standards of the DLP library.

Additionally, you might be better familiarizing yourself with the forums here and seeing just what sort of criticisms and opinions you'll be getting here prior to posting indiscriminately as you may get responses you're unprepared for. (That's my nice way of saying: warning - your story very well may suck and you won't hear the end of how much it sucks.) I've not read this yet, so I've no comment for now.

 

I got two chapters in, and you asked for crit so I'll try give some. It seems like you've got a potentially interesting direction you want to head in, but the execution's pretty poor. Reading, it feels like either you're very new to the HP fandom and don't recognise well-established themes or have done like everyone does when they first start writing and follow the cliches.

In this case, that'd be the Gringotts goblins having anything to do with issues that aren't money-related, Vernon beating Harry, and Harry essentially becoming emancipated. On top of that, your goblins are quite the epitome of moral goodness. At the very least, as a different race they should have different/incomprehensible morals, but instead they're saying it's a pity for Harry's relatives to give him a bad outlook on Muggles.

However, what's really obviously missing is <i>conflict</i>. As it stands, bad stuff happened to Harry and now he's getting his due by discovering magic and being adopted by sugar-sweet goblins. No one has any agendas, the wizarding world hasn't got any flaws apart from perhaps some vague bigotry, and Harry seems disturbingly untroubled by scepticism or mistrust after being suddenly whisked away. Conflict is what will make a story engaging, because if the characters don't have to struggle to achieve anything then they're no more likeable than spoiled children.

Also, it's probably a good idea to change the title. Hero's Path is a pretty popular story, and most people are going to assume you're jacking ideas from it or trying to hitch a ride on its success.

2/5

 

Newer fanfic authors do exist who haven't read all possible fics in existance. Coupled with the fact that Jack has been inactive for quite some time. Besides, this story has nothing to do with Jack's story plotwise.

That said yeah, you fall into the trap of newer authors. The kind that tends to personify themselves as the character they're writing. The only action you consider are that of the main character's. It makes for gratifying writing but for some shit reading. Everybody has a reason why they do what they do.

For example, ask yourself, why would the goblins even consider helping Harry? Also consider that there is a big trust issue between goblins and wizards. And on a personal note, I don't believe any race that handles the finances of the entire wizarding world to be anything but profit driven, meaning they'll milk Harry for all that he's worth and then chew him out.

 

As a new author you're running into many of the problems that are, well, standard to the neophyte.

The first problem that pops out to me are the cliches. When writing a fic, try to have a purpose when writing and remember (though you do not wholly have to follow), canon Harry Potter. Goblins are known to be aloof creatures that have simply manage finances, they're not in charge of going beyond to tutor or even propose family plans. The cliche of the phoenix is also drastically overused. In canon, there are two known phoenixes that are "domesticated", one being Fawkes, the other being the Moutohara Macaw's mascot phoenix. His name is Sparky.

The idea of Harry as a Hufflepuff irked me, but that's more of a personal vendetta than anything against the literature itself.

If you don't have a beta, review your own works. Proofreading, that is. You have several grammatical errors that should be addressed (your/you're). Another thing that drove me up a fence and down the field was the repetative use of the word 'twat'. Yes, it's a commonly used British slang but from Harry Potter I wouldn't expect it. Calling Draco Malfoy a vaginal cavity may seem fitting for some, but I don't see an 11-year old stating that.

The idea of a goblin tutor also is a bit...strange for me. Goblins in fanon are highly used as the 'force of power', offering the ever cliched 'bloodline test' or the 'magical heir power potions'. In this case, you use a goblin to instruct Harry in the ways of wizarding magic, yet I assume that magic is different between all species (Goblins can ward vaults expertly, House elves can pass through wards).

Not a bad start for a beginning reader, just try to look back and take a step away. View your fic as a reader, not always as the writer.

2/5

 

This really is a terrible story. I mean I only got up to chapter 4 last time before leaving you a bad review (I think you only had 4 chapter out then) but then you come and advertise it here (in the wrong section) and so I skip most of the first 4 just to familiarize myself with it before reading the rest (up to chapter 8 is out at the moment).

And it gets even worse. Gryphindor? what the fuck?

The style of writing isn't too good and the speech is horrible.

There are just to many things for me to go back and find/quote to show you just how bad.

1/5 from me.

 

By the way, I never said it was a copy, merely that I feared that it was upon first glance.

First thing I see when I open up the first chapter, is a long outburst all in capital letters...

 

A thought on the title... the Hero's path is usually dark -or at the very least not that bright. Batman got his parents killed, lived with rats and bats before he became a Hero. He didn't get his ass pampered and spoiled by Goblins.