Good chapter. Can't wait to see how Harry will play the game with Snape and Malfoy.

 

Chapter 12 is up.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2869936/12/

The first time I tried to access it I got an error message, but I hit refresh and then it came up. Don't know what that was about.

Notes about the chapter:

I tried to keep everything with the press as realistic as I could. I think it's feasible that Dumbledore could keep the details about Harry and Row private, but not the fact that Harry is coming to Hogwarts. I also tried to keep Dumbledore and Lupin in character as far as trying to expose Harry to the positive aspects of the magical world while severly downplaying the negative ones.

I'm still not sure if the Diagon Alley scene was a good idea or not, but I figured that Row would want to show Harry off to her friends and also that Harry would see the benefits of being seen in public prior to going to school, so I let them go.

I'm sure everything on the Hogwarts express was pretty much expected by everybody. I think the dementor scene was realistic because although Harry has read about the patronus charm, he doesn't necessarily know he's facing a dementor, and he's never actually tried it against one. Also, I like the idea of Harry destroying things.

I'm hoping to have Chapter 13 up pretty soon as well, but my chapters seem to be getting longer for some reason so I'll have to see how it goes. As always, comments welcome.

-the Jack

 

I hadn't read a fic in three months, Jack, until I stumbled across your story (recommended by the Order of Stories). I think you read my constructive critisms on two of the earlier chapters and I've really liked it even more since. I'm currently on chapter 8 (slowly ploughing my way through) and this does deserve the positive feedback. Though I agree with nonjon, I'm not singing - yet.

The letters idea is a very good way to move the plot forward. I was wondering how the hell Row being at school was going to work but you pulled it off quite well.

Chapters being longer is a good sign, it means there's more detail going into them.

I'm glad to see OCs done well (even though I smell a whiff of Mary-Sue's perfume on Row and a touch of Gary-Stu/Ron on Jack). I'm also glad to see another author on dlp.

From experience: don't let the overwhelming positive feedback go to your head, be prepared to learn. I know I was getting very cocky last year until a good friend kicked my arse (figuratively) and I was able to learn from him. You see a lot of good, instantly popular authors with unbelievably huge egos that can't take criticism. Just a warning for the future (because I can seriously see you getting well over 2000 reviews by the end of this).

 

I liked the new chapter. The Diagon Alley scene was nothing special, but necessary I think. And it's good that you didn't made Harry powerful enough to defend against a Dementor. I also think that Dumbledore and Lupin were in character. Overall I thinks it's a very good story. And longer chapters are always good.

 

Another great and realistic chapter. The plot is moving at a nice, firm pace, the way it should (without big leaps or stupid mistakes).

It would be interesting to see whether Harry could learn to block out Dementors using Occlumency. Oh, and don't forget that Harry could use this incident to press Dumbledore further and maye wrench out some priviledge in return, like unrestricted access to the Library or something like that ("You said it is safe, and now I'm attacked by dementors and Sirius Black, it's all your fault..." etc)...

 

Good Stuff. I really wasn't that fond of the "Inquisition" that took place on the Hogwarts express, though. Why do these people get to question him? ANd will Harry make any friends of his own or just from Row's group? No male friends I guess? I still don't like Hermione or Ginny. Ginny you captured perfectly, but Hermione is annoying and pressuring. And now she has one over on Harry. He honestly shouldn't let these people get too close considering especially that they can 't protect their mind from Albus.

p.s. I agree with IP82

Anyway, great chapter. Update soon!!!

 

Great chapter, I'm guessing their is no sorting song since Harry will be in the hospital. I was really looking forward to it (Extreme Sarcasm)

Harry needs to remember to use his wand, funny scene with Row giving Harry's wand to him during the fight instead of reprimanding him or something.

I like how the story is moving along you skip to important points like learning of a spell then a b-day, a letter, then you're on to the train. It keeps the reader occupied with the different events.

 

Just finished chapter 12.

Yes, I agree, the way you move the plot forward is brilliant. I almost fall asleep when authors feel the need to describe in intricate detail the history and effect of every single spell that Harry learns.

I'm very wary of Ginny and Hermione but let's see if you can make me forget about my prejudice.

The chamber of secrets chapter was great and for your first action sequence ever, masterful . Well done indeed on that. You've improved a lot over the chapters.

However you do need a Beta and britpicker. Phrases like "gives me the creeps" annoy the shit out of me and the spelling mistakes stick out like a thorn (especially with characters such as Dumbledore speaking).

Other than that, very good. Keep progressing the plot forward.

 

im very happy in the way your progressing this story. Sirius is one of my fav. characters so i can't wait to see what you do with him. Im wondering what ships your going to sail but i read earlier it would be an uncommon one, whic im happy about. Keep up the good work.

 

Solid stuff. You story flows well. Sometimes I wished mine flowed better, but like Master Slytherin said don't let early success go to your head.

It will be interesting to see how angry Harry is after being attacked his first outing in the Wizarding world by things that are supposed to be protecting him from the evil Sirius Black. I'm guessing he won't be terribly impressed, though it should provide a good bonding point for Harry and Remus as he demands to be taught the patronus charm before the end of the welcoming feast.

I'd still like you to bring back Lockhart, I mean now that Harry Potter is there. Could his ego resist not being around. Perhaps he could be the guest instructor while Remus has his monthly visitor?

Jim

 

I'm glad that people like the pace so far. I tried to spend enough time developing the personalities of the characters while at the same time not getting bogged down in detail before Harry even got to Hogwarts. I still feel like I could have done a better job, especially with Jack, but at this point I really don't want to go back and start over, so oh well, I guess.

Actually, I'm really nervous about the next couple chapters because I think it will be a real test of whether or not I've created a unique Harry character that people can identify with. It's true I've gotten a lot of positive reviews, but for the most part I think I'm still in the honeymoon phase of this fic. I mean, who doesn't like to see Harry use powerful wandless magic, beat the hell out of Vernon, embarrass Snape, and then put a hole in the basilisk's head? The real test of whether I've done a decent job with this story will come when I don't put Harry in Gryffindor and people realize that Harry's relationships with Hermione/Ginny/Ron and other canon characters aren't going to be same. For example, I've had a few reviewers who were happy that Hermione saw Harry doing wandless magic because they think it means that they are going to be immediate best friends. These people are not going to like the next chapter very much, so it will be a test to see if the story is good enough for them to keep reading.

Master Slytherin - I appreciate the honest advice. It didn't even occur to me that the skit in the first chapter might keep people from reading the rest of the fic, so I just cut it. I left the second one though, just because I think that one was actually funny.

ChuckDaTruck - Harry will not have close friends, at least not for a while. That's not to say he won't meet people that he will hang out with, it just means that I don't think his personality is conducive to making "best friend" type friends. I think you'll like the scene between Harry and Hermione in the next chapter.

jbern - I have a fuzzy idea involving Lockheart for later in the story, but I don't know if I'll work it in or not. It might end up being unnecessary clutter, but we'll see.

-the Jack

 

Keep the second one by all means as people love your story too much by then. However hide it more cleverly from the admin, they could delete the story and all your reviews if a hater complains. Trust me, it's happened to myself and a lot of my friends/decent writers.

 

Great chapter just don't go letting Hermi in on all of Harry's secrets and plans like most other fics, which suck. At least let Hermi in on things at a steady pace

 

It's nice to hear the author's thoughts on these things. Enjoying the fic bunches. Curious what's going to happen now after the Dementor incident. And actually that was one of the reasons I liked Row and Jack so much, is that with these best friends already, we won't see a Harry so desperate for caring and affection that he bonds as best friends with the first boy he meets.

But I too am curious about what happens to Jack now. He feels very much like a third wheel and, in the future, easy pickings target that will help give Harry more fierce anger and determination. Jack's not magical and by himself now, while Harry and Row are at a boarding school fulltime.

We could see some good insights, and you can use Jack for communication with the charmed paper, but it feels like the majority of his usefulness has passed.

I think we'll get a much clearer picture of this Harry once we see him stand-up to Dumbledore for something and however that first little head-to-head plays out. Keep the chapters coming for sure. More please.

 

Agreed, Jack was a problem waiting to happen ever since Row turned out magical and went to Hogwarts. With her and Harry away in wizarding world, he really seems like a third wheel and liability for the other two.

I think the best way to deal with Jack is to remove him from the equation... permanently. In other words, Malfoy Snr. misinterprets Snape's comment about finding a way to adopt Row and has Jack assasinated by some of his goons. Row and Harry are orphans again, so Snape moves in and petitions for guardianship over Row... Of course, the best thing here would be Harry's reaction, investigation and subsequent revenge against Malfoys, Snape and maybe even Dumbledore... Not to mention this would open up a place for pushing one of magical kids closer to Harry, to fill Jack's previous role.

 

ip82: On the flip side, it could push Harry into secluding himself even further. If he closed himself off from physical pain as a child, wouldn't he do the same with emotional pain?

It seems like there [will be] enough stuff going on with Harry at Hogwarts to keep Jack alive in the background for a while to come, anyway.

edit: [ ]

 

I think you should just kill Snivellus instead.

 

I agree about Jack being a liability. I assumed you would have him killed during a later year, but IP82's idea works and is better. He is essentially a sitting duck. And it makes sense. Need Snape to be a guardian? Remove the current one! It works REALLY well. You just have to be careful not to make Harry too Super. I know it works in your story as it is, but still, he can't be invulnerable. Afterall, if there are personal stakes or jeopardy, then what's the risk, and why doesn't he kick everyone's ass and do what he wants? This is not a concern yet, I'm just saying.

Also, up your rating to M. I would REALLY hate to see your story get deleted by the nazis over at fanfic. Its just too good. Keep a back-up copy as well. ALso, feel free to post here if you want. We have a "Work by Author" section designed for author's to post their work.

Anyway, good luck and...UPDATE SOON!!

 

yes, i was worriued about jack either dying or turning from harry from the beginning. I hope it doesn't happen, as it could break harry.
apart from that, am i only one to think that harry needs at least people to be friendly with at hogwart? While i really like independant harry, i can't help but think that ruthless!harry is boring in the long term, seeing that there is no point to harry s life anymore: being ruthless is an end into itself, if you get what i mean... On the other hand, if hermione seeing what harry did, and if she doesn't get obliviated, then harry could have some other goals in his life, like making sure the muggle born are well treated, and so on.....
just a thought

 

Yeah or he could kill her...*looks hopeful* Why not Imperio Jack into going against Harry? Or some other form of bewitchment.