Title: Harry Potter and the Legend of the Frozen Staff
Author: Sierra6117
Rating: M
Genre: Adventure; Romance
Status: WIP (about 4000 words yet)
Library Category: Quest Fic
Pairings: Harry/Fleur; Hermione/Draco
Summary: Friends betrayed their secrets, but paranoia has a power of its own. Living with the Dursley's changed Harry, and not for the better...
Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/12682181/1/Harry-Potter-and-the-Legend-of-the-Frozen-Staff

New to this world. First Fanfiction. Be gentle. Please review.

 

I'd take a look at the various forum rules first and foremost. There simply isn't enough here to rate for entry in the library. You may be more interested in the WBA portion of the forum.

The Work By Author is the place for improvement and for critique and suggestions to improve the story. If you want help, as indicated in your author's note, I'd start there.


The story itself - I'm not even sure where to start. Suffice to say, it has numerous problems. For one, some of the prose reads like a robotic version of Donald Trump because of a lack of commas.

Example of it:

Almost the entire chapter is tell not show and all of the telling makes everything feel like an impersonal info dump of a chain of events. There is basically no dialogue going on, which is always a problem. What little Harry does actually say makes him sound much older than he is, as well as an asshole. His character is completely off from canon with no explanation. Changing his character is fine but if you are going to do it you need your opening sequencing of the new Harry to showcase it better as well as at least hinting at the reason for those changes.

There is a whole swathe of terrible Indy!Harry cliches thrown in. You have Harry learn sword fighting. From a Japanese auror that he calls sensei. Why?

There are quite a few basic writing errors like incorrect tenses, misspelled words, using 3 instead of three, etc. Little shit like that, which can be smoothed out with a beta. There are plenty of other issues but I'm not going to delve into them but this story so far definitely reads like somebody who jumped full tilt into the fanfiction world very recently. You are definitely at the Indy!Harry phase of your fanfic career. We've all been there.

 

I'm not entirely convinced this isn't a troll.

Edit: But if it isn't, I strongly suggest you begin reading. Not fanfiction, but actual well-written books. Hell, just reading the Harry Potter books should help you improve. Read and pay attention, to the grammar, to the story, to dialogue, to everything. This will help loads, because quite frankly, this is bad. Like really, really bad. This is just one of those times you need to self-improve first, because it's not a few specific things you need to improve on, it's literally everything. I don't say this to be rude.

But this is kind of like asking a random soccer coach how to play soccer when all you've done is play a few games of kickball, halfheartedly watched a high school soccer game, and didn't think to even google how certain things work. There's a certain amount you can do by yourself to improve before you should seek out help from specific individuals, especially from DLP.

 

Sorry but these forums are never gentle.

Edit....

There really isn't enough to rate here post some more chapters so people can have a real feel for the story not trying to be a story Nazi but anything less than 20,000 is hard for people to take seriously.