Can anyone please give me some feed back on this chapter, like is the plot heading to the right direction or is it to rushed.

 

I think the story is going in the right direction, the slow corruption of harry. Things are happening in the right amount of time, harry is learning from voldemort but not to fast and he also does not just give in to voldemorts wishes but wants to know why and questions voldemorts advice even if he is slowly changing.

 

the plot is on the right direction. it is just your last update was way short.


i wish you made 4000-5000 words for a chapter and updated every week or once in five days.


i am looking forward to see harry meeting daphne and other slytherin guys. i know you won't make harry hating ron and hermione but please keep the amount of passage harry being with them as small as possible. i just hate them.


by the way i hope you won't create another trio with slytherin guys. i mean like harry, daphne, blaise and such. in the original fics harry is with ron and hermione every second and he does nothing without them. he is too dependent on their presence.


so harry should be close friends with his new crew but not in the way of a "golden trio".

 

I'm looking for a beta and someone to help me fix plot holes. Please contact me if you are interested. Thank you.

 

Pending were you wanna go, better make him befriend a few Ravenclaws or Hufflepuffs like Cho, Padma, Ernie or one of the other Minor characters.

Since to get most anywhere in government in the wizarding world, you need to not be pure Slytherin.

Pure Slytherin=Voldemort= no where in life, IF your Harry is gonna stay on the "Barely" Good side then your gonna need a few Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff friends, if not, then ignore my suggestion.

Well he could still make other friends in other houses, just either manage to recruit them... or betray and kill them.. if your Harry is gonna be Evil.

Great fic btw, nice to see an orginal idea.

Btw, I can Beta if needed, it's not exactly a bother... that and I find betaing for people funner then writing my own works :lol:

 

I have put this in a SHORT hiatus, enough so I can work on another fic. I'm not enjoying writing this fic much, but I promise to do it becauase I have people who are reading it.

 

No. Not Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. It is too much.
And I like Hufflepuffs that are weaklings.

Ok, maybe a Ravenclaw or two, but it sucks when he friends with everyone.

 

Nice fic. Although I find your triple or double postings mildly annoying I could care less as I am unfortunately guilty of it too.

Whoo, that was a nice sentance...

 

I will be posting the next chapter next week. It will be 10,000 words long, I will just finish the first chapter for another fic first.

Can a experienced fanfiction writer give me feedback on this story please, so I can become a better writer?

 

Let's jump to it. Problem: You have supposedly a villain as one of the main characters who reads like a teenager superhero. Whatever he is, he's not evil.

Take one small instance.

Here, the second part about Harry was fine. But saying something like "oh yeah, so and so genocidal meglomaniac kicked ass" so casually and cavalierly doesn't portay the image you want to portray. If you wanted him to be read by readers as evil. You need to portray him as such: like

I get the feeling you want LV to chill the spines of the readers, but it's not really happening. He just acts too dumb, sharing too much information. Evil characters should have layers to them. Like say LV want to push Harry away from the light. Let him feel sorry for say allowing Crouch to attack him in 4th year...and then wonder aloud why Dumbledore catch him. It shouldn't be more direct than that.

I don't really know how to describe this really well...it's more of a feel to a character. I think that for something like this the very way a character move, the way he breaths, the way he looks...almost needs to have that feeling. What could you do about it? I actually don't think you can do much more than what you have done. But I would suggest watching SW episode 3 or whatever a couple of times. Try to emulate as much as possible Darth Sidious/Palepatine. He's a pretty good evil guy to copy. Otherwise, just keep writing. The more you write the more you'll be able to see these things and be able to form your own impressions of them.

PS: I'm assuming this is you wanted LV and presumably Harry to be dark/evil rather than the weak dark but not evil kind or what not.

 

i agree Mrriddler about LV sharing too much information with harry.

 

Thank you Mr. Riddler for the feedback. Can you tell me what is good in this story so far?

 

Most of the ideas are good/interesting. Soul sharing was interesting, LV's take on Lily dying. I like Daphne and your idea of giving him a whole new group of friends, especially I'm doing that as well and also have Daphne included. I'm assuming you'll gradually have Harry's friends break from him. That I like as well. Not a fan of Harry suddenly going beserk on his friends. Again it's not the ideas...it's the execution that just seems off. It's like you got great ideas but is in such a hurry to show your hand that everything comes out a bit forced. (On the other hand, I think that happens to all writers.)

 

Since Midknight spoke of cleaning out the library, I thought to speak up. I thought that this was remarkably bad.

I mean, really really bad.

There goes the creditable villain.

The writer gave no explanation for why Harry used his touch o' doom to burn Quirrel. In the first of the books, Harry went by trial and error. The grammar is off in several instances.

 

I'm with Andromalius, I read this just now and frankly, it sucked, get it at least in the trash bin, if not deleted.

 

This quote, the first line in the story proper, demonstrates what's wrong with this story:

Well gee! I looked defiantly at the inhuman red-'x' symbol at the top of my browser!

 

Kinda boring............3/5