"I heard there was a pussy-ass wizard named Harry in the States with only one dog? Fuck that shit, I got me 10."

 

This must be written.

Or if it already has, it must be linked.

 

Don't remember it being posted before, so...

 

http://i.imgur.com/A5zR9HV.jpg

The first thing that came to mind was DLP's Annual Ginny Kill-off of yesteryear.

 

Calls from Hogwarts?

 

Megitech mirrors.

 

So his son somehow doesn't know about Fred?

 

Dat last one. So sad.

 

(What started as a mere funny pic turned into something else. Hope you enjoy.)

Harry and Ron stood back-to-back, terrified as they were surrounded on all sides and above by the Acromantulas. And yet they did not advance, keeping their distance, and with a start Harry realized they were waiting. And from the shadows came their progenitor, blind, ancient Aragog.

Ron whimpered, his wand dropped to the forest floor, his body followed a second later as he curled into the fetal position. Harry looked up; beyond the branches and leaves he could catch the dim rays of the moon and the faint glow of stars. Trees. Stars. The moon. He was not even thirteen. There was still so much he had not seen in the world, but he would die tonight. It was so unfair.

"Young friend of Hagrid."

Harry turned, his wand raised for his defiant last stand. Futile as it might be, he snarled, a spell flewing off his wand even as Aragog leapt at him. His Disarming Spell found its mark, but was too weak against the hide of the giant spider, who pinned Harry to the ground.

"Have spirit... like snakes. Slither... and hiss... like snakes." Aragog said, words somehow forming out of its horrible maw. Harry thought he detected a hint of emotion in the spider's words. "Snakes... we do not like."

Harry looked into Aragog's milk-white eyes. It was fleeting, but Harry thought he detected a hint of emotion in the spider's words, and it wasn't mere dislike; it was stronger. Something like disgust? No, even stronger - anger? No, more powerful - hatred? Close, but not it -

Fear.

It was fear.

"You are afraid." The words were but a whisper, but had the desired effect as Aragog froze. Thoughts, images connected with one another, like a flash flood that blasted through all the little dams in its way in Harry's mind. "You are afraid of snakes. No; you are afraid of a snake. The snake. Parseltongue. Of course - Slytherin was a parseltongue - what else would his monster be but a snake? One so powerful that even Acromantulas fled it from terror-"

Aragog pressed, and Harry couldn't breathe, let along speak. "Be silent." The spider said. Suddenly he clicked his fangs, and clicking exploded all around them - it dawned on Harry that Aragog's brethren were having a conversation in spider language.

Or an argument.

The ancient Acromantula clicked loudly, and the surrounding spiders turned quiet, submitting. Aragog turned its milk-white eyes back on Harry, as if somehow still able to see, and was studying him.

"Friend of Hagrid, listen with care. Will spare you and your friend in return for task." Harry stared at Aragog with disbelief. "That thing in the castle. That which slithers and strikes from the dark. It must be stopped."

"You want me to stop it? Me?" Harry asked.

The spider grew silent, contemplative. "You are wizard. Snake-like, but friend of Hagrid." It rose on its legs, and stepped away from Harry. "I must trust."

The smart thing was to just agree and get out of the Forest, Harry knew, but he couldn't help himself. "Look - I want it stopped, too, but what can I possibly do?"

"Survive. Will be strong enough."

"Suvive whar-"

And Aragog bit into his neck.


"...And that's how I become the Amazing Spider-man." Harry Potter said, lifting his mask and beaming at his stunned audience.

"You. Harry Potter. Is. Spider-man." The reporter - Peter something, Harry couldn't see his name tag - said slowly.

"The Amazing Spider-man." Harry corrected seriously. "Why, was that so hard to believe?"

 

I preface this by saying I'm crap at editing photos. However, this picture idea wouldn't leave me alone.

 

For some reason, the idea of a smart-alecky, buddy-cop style team up between Harry Potter and Voldemort in like say, Dresden Files or Twilight makes me giggle.

 

You thought it's bad? Things will get even worse next year.