I think they've been deleted or something, I can no longer find them. One of them I didn't touch because the summary was like OmGz Plz ReAD, REwritEz of... you get the idea. The other one I read seemed to be pretty much the same as Silveraegis' but maybe not, I kinda forgot what happened in Aegis' version. They both seemed to have vanished, dunno why exactly, the one I read had been around for months.

 

Important question to ask: do you think Harry would help her to the utmost (becoming her crutch, so to speak) or do you think he'd be mature enough to consider the notion that she too needs to be tested by fire, as he was.

 

Would the forum generally prefer a full rewrite?

I've reread SilverAegis' version, and it is at 50,000 words, and it is at the First Task, so I think I would also be happier picking up the pace too.
On the plus side, Voldemort appears before the First Task, but as a baby, with Peter as his caretaker.

As for your forecast,

Spoiler

About the Cast-Iron Array, I don't want to make it a god item, so at most it'll account for one Horcrux. Even though I described it as being able to contain the magical equivalent of a nuclear explosion, (iron's negating effect on magic), the merchant that sold it to Harry wasn't entirely honest.

Is there a storm battering anyone else' frickin' window? Cause this one's lasted about 24 hours.

By all means, by all means. These rewrites will vary so wildly...

 

After reading through the two chapters, I strongly advise you to either get a beta or post the chapter up on the Work By Author subforum. There seems to be plenty of grammatical mistakes that I've noticed, and it kind of makes reading the fic quite difficult. Quite a far cry from the quality of writing I've seen in TDT. Perhaps you have been rushing through these two chapters?

Also, I don't know about you, but I don't really like the speed at which the romance is being developed. Having Lilith crushing on Harry so soon is reasonable enough, but I'm not too sure I like Harry beginning to have feelings for Lilith that quickly. I'd prefer it to be him liking her in the protective sibling sense and then gradually finding his feelings for her changing.

Similarly, I think it is also too soon for Harry to reveal his true self to Lilith. Given how stressed out she is, it isn't a good idea to suddenly have Harry tell her, "Hey, I'm actually YOU from an alternate universe!". While knowing that you have a blood relative who is totally supportive of you would be a comforting thought, suddenly finding out that this blood relative is actually you yourself in an alternate form would be highly unsettling, to say the least.

It also seems as if Harry is having things going too easy and smoothly. From his wandless magic (Is there really a purpose in him having this ability?) to him breaking into shops, stealing stuff and then knowing where to sell them for money, there is little wonder I get the feeling he is too omnipotent or overpowered. Perhaps it would be better to devote more paragraphs to describing the whole incident in greater detail and make Harry take some form of punishment or damage from it.

Edit:

I second this question. Harry, while providing comfort and some emotional support, should not be helping her too much this early. He needs to understand that it is the trials and tribulations he has experienced and overcame that made him as strong as he is today. Without putting Lilith through the crucible of fire, she would never be half as strong mentally or magically as she should rightfully be. Because of this, I also feel the whole mental connection spell is making things too easy for both of them.

 

if it comes to a vote, I'd say let him pass on what info sirius and Moody gave him, and perhaps give her a nudge in the right direction, but make her go to him after figuring out what she wanted to do. and if it's not what he did, then so be it. so long as it's a workable plan, more power to her.

Edit: Oh, and thanks for the answer to my question.

Edit2: Out of curiosity, can anyone tell me where the fannon fact that Iron negates (to an extent) magical force came from?

 

A battle scene... *drools*.

As for your assessment, it's unfortunately true. The parts that I worked on were good, but, damn I know I'll sound like a bastard, but I hadn't quite comprehended that I needed to work on every other sentence. I'll see to it that you have no cause for complaint there Lucculus. This would work well if I go for a complete rewrite. Then, I won't have any excuse for mistakes.

In the Great Hall, Lilith wondered how long Harry's apparent omniscience would last.

I was originally intending to have her put down her foot, but now I think that it would be better if Lilith didn't confront Harry and instead became more proactive on her own. Harry will be more than happy to help her where she needs.

As for Harry's superprowess, that is the correct thinking. I read CGB's post in the original's thread, and so Harry will have to increasingly fight hard to get things right, and even harder to make it appear like he's doing things with ease, until finally he can't keep up the pretense. I think that would be a good point for a resolution to the manipulations and coddling in their relationship. They divide their priorities, and set about fulfilling them.

Then, the Narcissus Flower will bloom. Hopefully it'll happen to be springtime.

 

Interesting thoughts. I think you'd do it better if you just used the original as a guideline for a complete re-write though. They made a valid point when they said that the romace is going along to fast.

 

The romance is moving along too quickly I think. That is my only real complaint.
And there is a big-ass storm in Portland that been going on since Saturday.

 

My biggest complaint so far, chapter one, is that Lilith is so accepting of this relative she meets out in the forest. She's a female Harry, right? Well, can you see Harry being so trusting as to believe some saying this (It's a big one):

Spoiler

“Harry Potter,” Harry said deciding to play it smooth and make himself an identity. “I’m your cousin, from your father’s side. I had always wanted to see you and I was not disappointed. It’s nice to meet you dear cousin.”

Apparently, the position of the Child-Who-Lived is already taken, he thought with good humor. He did not have to take it to extremes though. An elaborate alias was unecessary. All that he needed was to reinvent himself with some small tweaking of details.

“The resemblance between myself and your father exists because My father is in fact your father's older brother,” Harry lied smoothly.

Lilith continued to stare at him, perplexed.

“As for why you never heard of me, that’s because at an early age, my father was disowned by the Potters because he was discovered to be a squib. He was your father’s older brother.” Harry said enjoying the shocked, and delighted, expression on the girls face.

“But, what about your eyes, they’re green!” she exclaimed. “I never heard of any Potters with green eyes,” Lilith said hesitantly as his father’s background made painful sense. She had learned from Hermione about the pureblood tradition of disowning children when they displayed no magical aptitude.

“Like yours, from my mother’s side. Yes, I’m pretty sure my mother is not related to yours.”

Lilith stared at him in disbelief, and then with a lithe movement dashed to him and hugged him, bursting into sobs.

without more explanation, and a confirmation by something.. Anything is better than blindly trusting when she should be wary, knowing that someone is having some fun at her expense at least, and trying to hurt her at most.

More when I get through a few more chapters.
~Stal

 

Alright, apparently standards have risen since the original was accepted into the library. I've tried to dampened Lilith's trust in Harry by making it clear that most of what she told him was common knowledge.

Just to make it absolutely clear, the writing for the first two chapters were me in my warm up stage. In a sense, this fic was a buffer, so that when I moved onto TDT, my writing came out more refined. I've realized that I hadn't given this the treatment that a writer gives to his works, and so that'll change.

 

actually remember book 4, Harry was not NEARLY as jaded then as he appears in the later books. He trusted Moody to a point and frankly i'd be rather suspicious of ANY DaDA teacher after years 1 and 2.
And yes, standards have changed a lot since the site started and this fic was included into the library. If you look at the work of some of the longer writing authors you can easily see how much they have improved, practice and criticism makes perfection i guess.

 

Don't worry.
I'm sure your work will be loved.

 

That big-ass storm kept me on the road for four hours. Fucker. Fucking shit the fuck! Means staying up to twelve, if I'm lucky, and don't waste anymore time. The storm has finally abated, however, after raining for... 40 hours?

One more *F:banana: !! I would actually appreciate someone going onto FFnet, logging in, and giving the worst flame you can, so that I can use every curse word I know.

Now that the cursing is over, I found some insight in the most recent review:

My conscience is soothed.

 

I like the fic so far, actually better than the original. Good Job.

Also I don't know if you know this or even if it has any importance to you but someone else has also started a rewrite if this fic.

Here is the link to their page
http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1202959/Choronzon

 

That should end up in review too sometime. The author's got another chapter up in the Work By Author subforum.

 

Alright, I've done a lot of tweaking for the first chapter. I've taken care of the wandless magic by borrowing an idea from To Define Treachery, and removed everything beyond companionship except for the end.

I'll get to work on rewriting my rewrite of the second chapter.

 

I changed it to "Harry Potter & The Narcissus Flower" a week or two ago. It was waaay too much trouble than a rewrite was worth, so I went Choronzon's way. I originally rewrote it, but people here and on FFnet alike reviewed it as a story, not a rewrite.

I claim no responsibility for people posting stories with two chapters For Review. I think it might be better served if this thread was deleted entirely, since the comments aren't for the writing it was for.

 

Did anyone ever tell you that you're a wonderful human being?