I understand that this can be long-winded in places, very much so. But some of the places where I go into detail are not filler, they are integral to the main plot. There really isn't that much filler in the last few chapters, and there's even less in chapter five. I have a complex main plot that requires many hints to be laid down, a good majority of them are extremely hard to see (so much so that I don't think anybody but me knows their there yet), these should become clearer once the plot progresses further, but some won't even be made clear until the very end of the story. A good majority of these 'hints' have to be placed pre-Hogwarts, and I guess that being fifty thousands words into a HP story with no end of summer in sight can make a story seem long-winded.

But I will take this on board and try to speed things along where it's possible. There isn't much more I need to do before I can get Harry back at school, once I've done this things will start to speed up.

Characterisation is something that I have tried extremely hard to get right in this story. I didn't want to change Harry's character right from the word go, I wanted people to see Harry change over time. I introduce some OCs later in the story (there's not so many of them that they become overbearing though) and I have spent hours detailing everything about them so that they don't seem like two dimensional characters. Each one has their own backstory and a reason for being where they are. I have so much background info on them that I could probably write a fic just about them

I have - at least I think - an original plot with some twists and turns along the way. There's side plot in there as well that leads to something I haven't seen done before, this one definitely will not be made clear until the end of the plot as it sets up the plot for a sequel should I decide to write one (though it is looking increasingly likely that I will). I have worked hard on the plot and I'm glad that it shows, I always like a story with a well thought out and original plot.

It took me ages to get that Harry/Dumbledore scene just the way I wanted it. Even now I think that it could be done better. I'm trying to achieve something different than what I've seen in other fics, in that Dumbledore won't be this shining beacon of light or a manipulative evil bastard. He and Harry will work together in places, yet in others Harry will just ignore the old bastard and his advice. There's a lot in this scene and the one before it that come into play later.

The main plot of this story is designed to keep people guessing about what is going to happen next. I purposely wrote it that way so as to get people to sort of interact with the story. I am a firm believer that you should not be able to guess where a good plot is leading, rather the plot should lead you to the answers.

Thanks for the review, it's the most detailed one I have received so far. I will make a conscious effort to speed things along where I can, though I will undoubtedly go into detail in places. A critical review is always welcomed by me and I always take anything mentioned and try to improve upon it.

PS. This is the longest post I've ever made on the Internet. Jesus Christ it took me a long time.

 

Finally I have read your fic all five chapters with no regrets. Great story a bit slow but great. I just hope no matter how far you have the story planned out in your head, you end up putting it into words and posting.
update soon

 

I have absolutely no plans to abandon the story... of course I could get hit by one of those double decker busses and bleed to death on the pavement.

I have a new beta for this story and he's currently going over the first four chapters to help me remove some of the unneeded filler and repetative information. Hopefully once this is completed the story should run more fluidly.

There is now a beta read chapter five uploaded which my new beta reader has looked over. It's over one thousand words shorter than the version I previously had up so once all the chapters have been looked at the word count should decrease.

An update shouldn't be too long away now. I have the next chapter nearing completion and it should be sent to beta in the next couple of days.

 

There's a new chapter up over at ff.net. This one is a little smaller than the others but I'd achieved everything that was needed. The story also starts to speed up from this point.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2578484/6/

Any comments (or questions) whatsoever are welcome. Though I can't guarantee I'll answers some questions (Can't spoil any of the surprises I have planned can I?)

 

Another good chapter.

I find it interesting how this story don't have much fluctuations up and down in terms of quality and dynamics - the plot is being developed steadily and confidently forward, with small hints and foreshadowings constantly being sneaking in.

I like this story more and more with each chapter, but I bet it will truly shine only once it's completed and can be read in continuity from beggining to end. I already see this will be one of those things that are more than just sum of their parts.

 

I actually like that your taking it slow rather then have Harry kicking ass halfway through summer. You sped up summer but at the same time you took your time, and you also didn't go into too much detail regarding the trial. I hate when authors write trials as if it's an episode of Law and order. Its a fic there is no need for bombarding law details. I thought you did that very well.

Pro's:

Excellent use of forshadowing with Firenze, must writers never think to use him as a useful plot device, and if they do it is usually done poorly. You delivered it well.

You characterizations are spot on i.m.o, it shows the effort you put in it. I also like how you didn't have Harry in the never ending summer syndrome. I was beginning to worry a bit, but your explanation on how time flew by was believable.

Con's:

While I like that your taking your time with the story I would of liked to see a bit more practical spellwork in the story and perhaps a tad bit more of action. I understand that your probably gonna kick it up once school starts, but I am just criticizing what I've seen so far. Don't take offense because it is actually quite hard to find flaws in your writing it is trully well done. I commend you on it.

I would like to question though if your going to include Fenrir Greyback in your fic, because although the sixth book sucked something fierce i did find the only ray of light on an otherwise crappy book to be the cannibal werewolf. Don't really care either way because I understand it is your fic and i don't want to suggest anything, but I would like to know if you plan on including him. I'll still read it avidly even if you don't.

 

I'll check this one again, because I never really gave it a chance. The first two chapters are Pussy!Idiot!Dumblesbitch!Harry. The first thing out of his mouth when he regains conciousness is him asking if the Dursleys are ok? What the fuck? THEY KEPT YOU IN A BLOODY CUPBOARD FOR 10 YEARS. Anyway, I'll check it out, I believe I stopped after chap 2.

 

I don't like the way most people handle trials myself, which is why I set out with firm intentions to gloss over the whole matter. Perhaps the reason that it doesn't read feel like your being bombarding with law detail is because I have no clue about law in reality. I would have completely left the trial out if there wasn't a reason for it being there.

I used Firenze because I haven't seen him portrayed particularly well in the fandom, and so wanted to show people that he can be written well. I'm planning on using some other less used characters as well in the future, hopefully I can write them well too.

I'm not going to say much more about Firenze, you no doubt noticed the foreshadowing in that portion and I don't want to spoil it.

As far as action goes it will be in the fic. Up until this point, though, I've really had my hands full with placing the pre-hogwarts plot points. And the truth of the matter is that action hasn't really been needed yet to further the plot. Spellwork to will get a bit more time in the limelight, as well as the subject the illustrious headmaster is famous for. We'll get there eventually so don't worry.

Fenrir... I really don't know about him. I'm not sure there is anywhere I can put him. Perhaps, but not a definite yes.

 

Good job Cervsu
This was a good character, but I didnt understand why Dumbles let the guard uncatched. After all its a huge advantage to have information on every wand that entered the ministry.
The centuries guy will it be OC?
Cause its sound like Flamel or Albus.
Proda!!!

 

Yeh i got the smae thought about it being Albus as well Shnitzel but then i hightly doubt Cervus will do something so obvious? am i wrong Cervus? Anyway i liked the update, good development with his knowledge and skills as well as the story overall, i find my understanding growing with each new...installment . Whats the relationship going to be with the Mudblood and Weasel? oh and Weaselette?

 

The Mudblood and the Weasel won't really factor into the story much. There won't be some huge betrayal or anything like that, more like friends drifting apart.

Ginny?... No comment.

Centuries?... I know you can guess what I'm going to say here. And for those of you that can't I'll embellish.

NO COMMENT!

 

I DUG IT!!

One thing about the trial, JKR has said that Veritaserum can be duped through OCclumency, Transfigured into Something, or someone can use Magic, to change their larynx and physically change what sounds come out. According to her, Veritas is best used on someone who doesn't expect it. Remember, Barty JR, had just been stunned, and then woke up already under its influence/

 

Oopsie

Wrong toppic

 

It worked fine for me about two minutes after uploading it. Something similar to this happened the other night where a shit load of chapters disappeared for awhile. I just checked the link in my post again and it seems to be working fine now... at least for a little while anyway.

 

Sorry I didn't reply to this earlier, I only just noticed it was here.

As far as what JK says I lost track along time ago. This is something that I knew and forgot. In my defense Harry hasn't mastered the art of occlumency yet and so couldn't counter the serum by clearing his mind. He can't transfigure anything because he's outside of Hogwarts and thus susceptible to the underage magic law. And, well, he wasn't trying to fight the serum so it worked normally. You'll see that at one point Harry did fight the serum and actually prevented himself from saying Sirius' name by bending his words.

Thanks for pointing that out anyway, it was something I forgot about and could easily have made bigger mistakes with. I'll be double checking anything to do with potions in the future :!:

 

She left a big hole though which hasn't been explained. A pensieve is THE TRUTH according to her. Veritaserum is fallilble. If a Pensieve IS infallible, why don't they use memories from those? I think it might be because a pensieve is dependent on the person giving the CORRECT memory. I'm not sure though. SHe left this as a loop hole.


Anyway, UPDATE!!!