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WIP Harry & The Mysterious Curse of the Girl-Who-Lived by Jeram - T

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by Nuhuh, Oct 15, 2010.

  1. scaryisntit

    scaryisntit Death Eater

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    At the moment, this stands as a humorous idea yet to be fully developed. It was a reasonable read, but even in the second chapter I was tiring of the PS rehash. This really needs to diverge a little more from canon to earn more than 4.

    Also, it's still too early to tell how this'll turn out. Unless it ends at the end of first year (which would be disappointing), we've got a long way to go and three (?) chapters isn't much to go on.

    Tentative 3/5, with a lot of potential to rise.
     
  2. Rin

    Rin Oberstgruppenführer DLP Supporter

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    I think Nuhuh prematurely recc'ed the fic - not that I think anything's wrong with the fic as it stands, but generally, we should wait until there's a solid foundation upon which to build our judgment of a fic, rather than two or three chapters.

    5/5 from me, either way.
     
  3. Jeram

    Jeram Elder of Zion ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Well, it's not actually a crackfic. And the later chapters regurgitate a lot less than the original book's words, but I guess I wasn't sure how to avoid that without just summarizing those initial scenes.

    What exactly are your stylistic complaints? How might I improve?

    Well, the "whatever it is" not affecting muggles is, oddly enough, entirely intentional and not just an oversight or mistake. I'm not sure that your idea could really be done that well, because after the initial "Oh, I guess Harry's really a boy", what could you really do other than try to figure out why people were mistaken. But please feel free to write your own version of such a thing. I don't know when you stopped reading, but perhaps you'd like the later chapters more.

    I am trying to emulate JKR's style a bit, but I wouldn't say it doesn't incorporate some of my initial style - also the story is only two months into school, so I'm not sure how much really COULD change.

    Thanks for the notes, and I will try to get rid of that minutiae issue.

    However, when you said: "his dialogue is patchy, his prose tends to get a bit cluttered, and frankly, I find it extremely difficult to avoid skipping sections of text entirely" - would you mind explaining what you mean by patchy and cluttered, and why you want to skip sections? Thanks again.

    Thanks... but I'm not sure comparing the story favorably to MY IMMORTAL is as much as a compliment as perhaps you thought.

    Do you mind explaining what you mean by "windy" and "ironing out"?

    Thanks, that is something that is very changed in later chapters. The last one, which had 10000 words or so, less than 500 were quotes from canon. And the next one should have even fewer, if any at all.

    And for those who've asked, the story does not end at the end of first year.

    Thanks for all the feedback.
     
  4. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    Ya, I'd kinda guessed that. Just doesn't impress me so much. I'm guessing that your version of Voldimort had the same thing happen which is what drove him evil.
    Think more along the lines of 'There are two of them? where's your sister?'
    No... just... no...
    End of chapter 3.

    I'll give it another shot but frankly from what I've already read, it doesn't seem worth the effort.
     
    Last edited: Oct 18, 2010
  5. Kai Shek

    Kai Shek Supreme Mugwump

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    Although decent writing, I don't really think a simple plot bunny of "What if everyone saw Harry as female" is enough to keep a rehash of the first book interesting, and since it's not a huge AU change, it isn't going to change the first book enough to keep it interesting.

    It could work as a one shot, but I just don't think there's enough AU in that idea to keep my attention.

    I left after Harry got sorted, so I dunno just how far I got in, but it seemed like a rehash up to that point. I guess if you made this Harry even 'think' differently than in canon, it would be a little more interesting to read, but it's the same old Harry.

    I didn't read more than a few chapters, so I won't rate it.
     
  6. Andro

    Andro Master of Death DLP Supporter

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    Jeram's a great writer, and it's literally been a decade since I read Philosopher's Stone, so the fact this seems to be a retread surprisingly isn't objectionable to me. I say 4/5.

    Ultimately though, I guess I'm apathetic to all the clever and witty short stories and one-shots you're putting out, since I don't go to HP fanfiction for humor. I guess that's how most people on the forum are familiar with your writing, but I for one still remember The Ten Plagues and wish you'd get back to that, which deserves to be completed a lot more than this fic.
     
  7. Howdy

    Howdy Dark Lord

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    This last chapter really disappointed me, to be frank.

    I was getting ready to settle in with a bitch!Hermione and Lavender and Parvati as close friends to Harry, but somehow Jeram managed to bend everything back to a canon rehash (poorly, I might add) which just isn't good enough these days.
     
  8. Manatheron

    Manatheron Headmaster

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    Sorry J, still not impressed. It's not bad per say, but it's not the be-all end-all it's being made out as. I think Kai Shek hit on on the head, it's just to much of a straight up re-hash.

    Sorry man, but I just don't think it's library worthy. I'll give ya .4 for the effort though.

    As it stands. 2.4/5 Recycle maybe, but not library worthy
     
  9. Skykes

    Skykes Minister of Magic DLP Supporter

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    The story is only 2 months into first year, hard to change it that much, sure he probably could have mixed up the troll event a bit, but I think it's fine.

    Harry is acting differnt, see; studying the potions text before class and being able to attempt answering Snape's questions.
     
  10. Anarchy

    Anarchy Half-Blood Prince DLP Supporter

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    Read this over in the WBA thread at the end of last week, I thought I replied to it, but I guess I forgot to hit post or something.

    The story is fairly boring to be honest. There are some entertaining parts, but it quickly got old and stale real fast.

    The story would probably be much better off as a oneshot of sorts. The idea simply doesn't have enough depth to it to be interesting enough for a whole rehash.
    3/5
     
  11. evilchaos

    evilchaos Squib

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    That is a fair point. I can only go based on what you've written though. A few people were right when they said that this fic was recommended a bit early. From what you've written so far, you've re-wrote the first book with the addition of one joke. I didn't find the joke to be that humorous either (although that's just personal taste).

    I would not rely on any of Rowling's style if you're writing an AU fic that is primarily a rewrite of the first book. As you said, not much can change in the first few chapters due to the nature of the fic. Therefore, something needs to change in order to motivate the reader to read past the beginning. Using your own style would make the beginning seem different instead of causing the reader to feel like they're re-reading The Sorcerer's Stone with the addition of a simple joke. I also don't see how Rowling's style is really compatible with a humor fic. I think emulating her style will only hold you back.
     
  12. Random Shinobi

    Random Shinobi Unspeakable DLP Supporter

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    And you know this how? The plot has barely started and we know hardly anything about the curse other than it being a "legendary phantasm."

    I will wait at least a few chapters more before rating, but if I had to vote now, I would give it four stars.
     
  13. Fiat

    Fiat The Chosen One DLP Supporter

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    Nuhuh really shouldn't have recommended this so early.

    There really isn't enough to rate on, but considering everyone else is, I gave it a 5/5 because I really like it and believe that it belongs in the library. It will get better.
     
  14. PinstripedPajamas

    PinstripedPajamas Sixth Year DLP Supporter

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    ^This.

    The 'I'm a boy dammit!' joke works well for a while, but it gets old.

    With a one-shot you sidestep that issue entirely, especially when aside that joke not much else is happening.

    I'm half-way through chapter 5, and I strain to think of anything worthwhile that has changed. Small things have been modified for sure, but as a whole the basic plot of PS is followed quite rigidly. We've all read the books, and we've all read a fair bit Harry Potter fanfiction. We don't need to read it again with a few minor changes.

    That, and I find that a 'whodoneit' story (which is what PS is) only works when there is a level of mystery involved. We all know who is after the stone, so where is the suspense? Instead, I would rather if you took focus off of the stone, and put it onto the cause of his ladyparts problem or some other fresh plot.

    I'll withhold a rating for now, but if I were to rate what I've read so far I'd give it a 3/5.

    Of course, most of what I've said here has already been stated, but then again the same could be said about what's written in your story.

    -PinstripedPajamas

    PS. It's been almost forty thousand words, make something happen for Christ sake!
     
  15. Nuhuh

    Nuhuh Dastardly Shadow Admin Retired Staff

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    I posted at just the sweetest time to get you guys along for the ride for what is fast becoming a very interesting divergence. Judgmental bozos.

    And, latest updates are showing a departure from canon. More character development vis a vis Harry's odd curse. Unexpected reveal about the nature of the curse - all is not what seems on the surface - quite enjoying the curve ball Jeram threw.

    The 11 year olds are sounding a bit old. Hermione and Padma I can understand, since they are shown as egg heads, but when Ron or Parvati pull an 8 letter word it's slightly jarring.

    Anyway, read the updates, they finally show the direction the story is taking. And, yes, it's in the small cues not the big ones.
     
  16. Blaise

    Blaise Golden Patronus

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    Can you eat a dick and die? <--Can you make that happen?

    And should anyone get on your case for not making that happen?
     
  17. enembee

    enembee The Nicromancer DLP Supporter

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    FYI, blindly insulting someone for having a legitimate opinion on Jeram's fic is a dick move.

    Author can fight his own battles should the need arise.

    <3
     
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2010
  18. Nuhuh

    Nuhuh Dastardly Shadow Admin Retired Staff

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    FYI, presuming to backseat mod is a dick move.

    Tinn can fight her own battles.

    <3
    couldn't resist:p
     
  19. Blaise

    Blaise Golden Patronus

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    FYI, I've been white-knighting legit authors since '07

    <3
     
  20. enembee

    enembee The Nicromancer DLP Supporter

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    Nuhuh, I am going to dribble on your Vick's Vaporub face.

    So nyeh.
     
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