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Dead Link Here Where I Stand at the Turning of the Years by minniequill - T

Discussion in 'The Alternates' started by Taure, Jun 19, 2007.

  1. Snarf

    Snarf Squanchin' Party Bro! ~ Prestige ~ DLP Supporter

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    Uhh, you all do know that it was the 'Reducio' curse, right? It 'reduces' and object's size, shrinking it down. That's why it gets harder to do as the object gets bigger. This has a rats ass to do with a reducto.
     
  2. Dasha

    Dasha Second Year DLP Supporter

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    I forgot one little thing: I don't remember you mentioning Slughorn and his club or Hagrid and his spider. Harry would have definitely noticed them.
     
  3. Lorelei of the Sea

    Lorelei of the Sea Unspeakable

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    Ehh. This may be my dislike of romance shining through, but this story just didn't capture my interest. Also, Harry called Ginny his ladylove and did not appear to be joking. I'll give it 3/5 for not using James anywhere in the name.
     
  4. Marie M

    Marie M Raptured to Hell

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    I liked it. Very much.
    Everything was rush, I think that it was the only problem fic had.
    4/5
     
  5. ulkser

    ulkser Groundskeeper

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    4/5. a rare pairing and the story is written well. but things happen fast and in an undetailed way. i would like more detail in this story.
     
  6. Dianeme

    Dianeme Guest

    I do like this story (not the best of Minniequill's) but good nonetheless. I agree completely that it's rushed (sorry, hun) and the writing is lacking in quite a few areas. More description is definitely needed, both to flesh out the story and to make the chapters longer as they are far too short. Perhaps combining a few chapters wouldn't be a bad idea as there is an annoying amount of cliff-hangers that simply aren't necessary. The grammar is also quite bad, and there is FAR too much Ginny angst.

    I agree with others that the job interview scene is too rushed and perhaps add in Hagrid and Slughorn as they were certainly around in this time-frame. Some more POV's wouldn't go astray either. Why does Tom Riddle dislike Minerva so much? Is it adolescent jealously, or something more? Also, Dumbledore would surely have figured out that something wasn't right with 'Jacob', so some stuff from his POV would be good too.

    Also on the time-frame aspect; it's not following canon. COS is set in 1992, and it was opened fifty years beforehand making it 1942, not 1945 as you've made it here. I think making it follow the canon timeline would add to the story.

    Just a few suggestions.
    Dianeme
     
  7. odainath

    odainath Squib

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    Hey, look I'm unsure if this is allowed (bloody tired, three jobs really is not the most healthy way of life) but if any of you could re-read what I've done (the whole story has been revamped, redone, re-outlined etc. etc.) and tell me what you think.

    The reviews on fanfiction.net are generally 'OMG, you should update' which, though lovely, aren't particularly helpful in the slightest. I've changed most of the story, except for the Harry/Minerva plotline which won't change, but rather be structured differently and less reminiscent of Harry's 'hey, Ginny's got pretty, I'm in love with her' in HBP (let's not even go into 'Deathly Hallows,' just when I thought Jo couldn't get any worse, she completely stuns me).

    It's also following canon now (a miracle indeed with my fics, I tend to ignore it for the most part.)

    So yes, help appreciated.
     
  8. Kardikek

    Kardikek Groundskeeper

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    Personally I think the first paragraph of the first chapter was a bit.. overdone. A few choice words would have fit the scene perfectly but I got a bit too overwhelmed with the (in my opinion) unnecessary description to feel the mood.

    Now apart from that, I see an overall improvement everywhere.
    The side characters are more fleshed out with relevant scenes for example. Some nipicking that were commented upon here were adjusted, Ginny for example.
    And the romance aspect isn't shoved down our throats. :) And it becomes more obvious that Minnie was effected more deeply by Marcus' death than anyone believes considering their apparent closeness. No positive sign of Mary-sue-ism too! Remember if a character gets away with all kinds of outlandish actions with no repercussions then chances are, it's a mary-sue! *cough*Ginny*cough*

    All in all, definetly library worthy.
    4/5 for now, probably higher depending on how you are thinking of continuing.
     
  9. odainath

    odainath Squib

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    No, I agree with you about that first paragraph. It makes me cringe when I read it. I'll get around to changing it soon-ish.

    As for where it's going ... I have an outline, but I tend never to stick with them as I get distracted by pretty much anything. It will follow the rest of Minerva's sixth year and possibly some of her seventh, though I'm unsure whether or not to let it eventually follow canon or just make it AU.

    One of the ideas was for Harry to stop the basilisk, eventually kill Tom, but then have a huge disaster (don't ask me what) where Minerva dies and he becomes very angsty and goes back (again) to save her, yada yada yada ... but that very quickly lost its appeal.

    Thank you, though. It was helpful.
     
  10. Dasha

    Dasha Second Year DLP Supporter

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    What was much much better. Great story. But I have a few questions:
    1) Why wasn't there any other applicants for job? It's not cursed yet and working at Hogwarts seemed like a good job to me (through this may be fanon influence), so why nobody wants it? It's not really important but I've never seen Harry having a competition, it would have been cool.
    2) I hope you know that there is no such thing as werewolf cub, right?:):)
    Please, if you are going to kill Riddle make it challeging. Let him put up some fight. Thanks.
     
  11. Amerision

    Amerision Galactic Sheep Emperor DLP Supporter

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    It's definitely better this time around.

    Some issues:

    The first chapter is still kind of messy. I can't put my finger on it, but it still seems somehow disjointed and fragmented. I think what you did is add to the existing text with a new style.

    Don't say "Nazi" planes, refer to them as German planes. The Nazis are a party; referring to aircraft by them doesn't really work. On that note, try 'bombers' instead of just planes, and just 'Hitler' instead of Grindelwand AND Hiter. Grindelwald would not have commanded the bombers.

    I'm also uneasy about how you're using the same families in the government as in modern times. Although it does seem certain families stay in the same profession, try some variety. A Crouch and an Avery in the government 40 years before? It smells like the generalizations that people make of the Purebloods, where they always are serving the enemy.

    Another thing: Although it's perfectly possible, I don't think Albus Dumbledore will ever start reciting a muggle author. It's simply a stretch. Not because he dislikes them, but he's never had that kind of exposure.

    Imperious is a common misspelling. It is actually Imperius.

    Dippet says admirable twice within two lines, making a repetition. And another: "His references are excellent." What? He had no references.

    Too early, honestly, and too much of a standout.

    postures

    tommorow

    The first Minerva/Riddle dialogue is dry. It needs more description. It feels like a ping-pong match: back and forth, back and forth.

    Try to avoid parentheses. It looks amateurish. Integrate the interjection into the sentence instead.

    Description description description! In some places all I see is lines of, well, one-liners. Keep the atmosphere primed and ready to respond. Just because you have dialogue doesn't mean you can forget descriptions.

    Chillness sounds odd.

    I also really, really doubt a male Professor would ever make a female student wear a bathing suit and venture into a lake together. Alone. No matter how pure his intentions are.

    But above all, the thing that annoys me the most is the fucking Pony Tail.

    Otherwise, 4/5
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2007
  12. odainath

    odainath Squib

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    I'm in complete agreement there. I've tried editing it, but it just ends up irritating me so I'll leave it for the time being.

    Harry conjured fake references, I mentioned it in there somewhere.

    Pony-tail is a very common hair-style! Meh, it does sound rather stupid. I'll change it to braid later.

    Look in COS. You'll hear Riddle talk of Hagrid rearing werewolf cubs under his bed.

    Okay, cheers for all of that guys. It was very helpful. I'll fix up some of the stuff (I'll also keep some of the stuff though.)
     
  13. Amerision

    Amerision Galactic Sheep Emperor DLP Supporter

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    Braid? Eh, keep the ponytail then. I was hoping something more along the lines of...nothing. Just normal blonde hair.

    The only person who has ponytails in the entire HP series in Lucius Malfoy. I don't think anyone has braids.
     
  14. odainath

    odainath Squib

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    Okay, I'm with you now. I thought you were talking about Minerva. Sorry, had a blonde moment there. Hmm, you raise a good point. I saw a picture last night of the guy I'm basing 'Jacob' on and he had short hair. I admit, it looks better.

    Damn, you had to point that out didn't you? :)
     
  15. Amerision

    Amerision Galactic Sheep Emperor DLP Supporter

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    :)

    As for Minerva, well, braids actually do make sense. She seems no-nonsense, so a braid would be the best way to get rid of that "pesky hair".

    I'm also interested in whether we'll see more of Tom. That came out pretty well before, and it'd be nice if you could develop him more.
     
  16. odainath

    odainath Squib

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    There'll be lots more Tom. Trust me on that one.
     
  17. Ragon

    Ragon Dark Lord

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    Just mentioning it but doesnt Bill have a pony tail?

    I liked the new one better than the old one.

    I want to see Minerva and Tom go at it in a duel.

    Just how good is Minerva at this fic. Is it one of those where she is well deserving of being a teacher at one of the best schools in the world(she was in the previous verison right)? Or is it one of those where she is just slightly aboved average?
     
  18. odainath

    odainath Squib

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    She's well-deserving of being a teacher. If she took over from Dumbledore than it stands to reason she's far, far above average. She's described during the books as being 'particularly clever' and if, at 70, she can still run around a corner screaming 'CHARGE!!!" with an entourage of desks, then at 16, she's pretty bloody good.
     
  19. Ragon

    Ragon Dark Lord

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    Thank you. I hate it when people disregard the characters like Flitwick, Slughorn, and Minerva. I mean hell they are good enough to teach at Hogwarts they cant be that bad(even Snape). Im including Slughorn because if he can hide from the world(Dumbledore being the exception) he cant be that bad of wizard.
     
  20. Dasha

    Dasha Second Year DLP Supporter

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    :):):)I belive he was just making fun of Hagrid. Werewolfs are people and they have children, not cubs. Teddy Lupin is werewolf cub. I doubt Hagrid could rear him under the bed. Your medi-wizard said it too seriosly.
     
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