That's wat Vorlorn does, but it's also a reason he's one of my fav writers. He takes shitty cliche's and gives ideas and makes them his own. His grammar, granted, sucks but hes not as bad as others who misspell word's in the first sentence of a story.

 

-split

 

Ok, it's been a long time since I've had a peeve strong enough to post here... so here it goes...

STUPID CHESS MATCHES

Is it just me or 99% of fanfic writers don't know a first thing about chess? I understand that the game isn't too popular in US (or is it?), but still, this is getting embarrassing. I can't count the number of times I've read utterly ridiculous and clueless descriptions of chess matches. Here's several examples off top of my head:

- Ron is thinking about his next move for about half an hour, analyzing the board. Suddenly, he's like AHA! He makes the move and... voila! It's instant check-mate. And Harry is all like: "WHOA! How did you do that?"

I mean really, retarded koala would have seen such a simple move ages ago... Stupid and ignorant!

- Ron beats Harry in 5-6 moves...

Yes, Harry is stupid and all, but you really have to be a world-class idiot to loose a game in 5 moves, especially after playing it for 4-5 years.

- Similar thing - Ron beats Harry without loosing a SINGLE figure... yeah right, like that is possible. Even a grandmaster would have to sacrifice something, everyone sane who'd seen a chess match knows that.

- This is one of my favorites - Ginny and Ron both loose all figures, leaving only two kings on the board. Then the author describes how they chase each other around the table for a while, until they start fighting and arguing with each other (!!!)... Thankfully, Hermione is there, with a brilliant solution - they can call it EVEN and play a rematch!

Wow, what a brilliant idea! I wonder how come generations upon generations of chess players haven't thought of something like that before... that's probably because THEY HAVE! IT'S CALLED DRAW BY INSUFFICIENT MATERIAL, you stupid ignorant bitch!

- I especially find it funny when authors start obsessing with chess figures - Harry looses lots of figures and gets depressed, gets yelled at by the king for his sacrifice, refuses to sacrifice his pawns, apologizes to figures that get taken etc... I mean, stupid bitches has to turn even a purely logical game into a fucking EMO fest.

Here's the latest one, the one which made me post this:

- Harry is being taught how to play chess by Salazar Slytherin. Harry BEATS Salazar, but he looses so many figures in the process, that his whole set is mad at him (!!!). He is then forced to ask Rowena to Oblivate his set, so they wouldn't hold a grudge against him in the future... WHAT.THE.FUCK!?

etc, etc...

Sigh... really, is it so hard to understand that chess is a game of LOGIC and STRATEGY? Even the worst player in the world learns to plan at least few moves ahead after few hundred matches. The way they describe it, everything is pretty much random, like monopoly or some shit like that...

I guess what I want to say is this - authors, either learn at least SOMETHING about chess or don't describe matches at all.

 

On the topic of chess matches I have to add these:

- Ron teh über-chess-master

Ron beats everybody and their russian cousin at chess. In the whole world. At the same time.
Except, of course, for Luna, who plays so inpredictably that Ron cannot use any strategy against her...

- Ron teh über-war-strategy-master

Granted, chess is a game of planning and logic, but just because your good at it doesn't make you a good war strategist. Whenever I see something involving an army, it's always directed by Ron. I mean, seriously, chess is by far not the same as war.

 

Well, archiac forms of chess/chinese were like war games for generals of feudal times. So, the idea of using chess to link to strategies isn't necessarily a bad idea. But writers could be a bit more original/put more thought in writing it out.

 

I dunno, that's actually pretty funny and creative.

But I think what IP82 is really pissed about is the lack of thorough fact in fanfiction, or at least as factual you can get in fanfiction.

Good Fiction is mostly Fact or Logic, unless the idea is illogial or fantasy in itself.

You cannot just make a whole lot of shit up, expect the reader to down it, and not puke.

The reader puts down his reign on reality for a bit, and meets you halfway. Just by reading, he is going to ignore some impossiblities such as magic. But, good fiction is believable. It must be that, should the premises be true, the rest will make sense.

Kind of like Tom Clancy or Michael Chrichton. The books are fiction, yes, but the authors do a shitload of research into things like Cars, and weapons, and nanotechnology. In the HP universe, this is kind of hard to do, but you get my point. If you are going to revamp the magic system, make believable, and stick to it. If you introduce chess, learn the rules. If you have Harry do Company takeovers, learn about how it is done, and write it. The end result is MUCH better.

ok, ok.

My Cliche Rant:

Twins, Charlie, and Bill are Ubercool and Understanding, especially in Azkaban fics.

BadAss!Assassin!Harry always gets dragged back to Hogwarts due to some dumbass fuckup that assassins don't make.

Underpowered DeathEaters, Dumbledore, and Voldemort - The Inner Circle are a collection of the meanest, most learnt, toughest, and powerful Dark Wizards around. How are they taken out by Harry after only 3 weeks of "training"? Dumbledore was/is the most powerful wizard alive. How come he is never living up to that? Voldemort was supposed to be back "more powerful than ever". In most PostOOTP fics, the Death Eaters are still some small terrorist organization. Voldemort is always int he background...right up until the final battle.

Narrow view of magic - When fighting, everyone treats the wands like guns, "throwing" spells, dodging "beams", and "returning fire". In OOTP, Voldemort and Dumbledore do transfiguration, etc. Wands are not guns. Nobody seems to use their surroundings either.

Pairings - Why do all authors feel an inexplicable need to pair EVERYONE UP! It's entirely possible that people don't find their soulmates at 16, or 17, 18, 19, 20, or even 21.

Corny Romance - I hate to say it, but decent slash authors write a better romance than het ones. Too many immature dimwits equate lust with love. Looks are fine, but if your girl starts acting like Ginny Weasley, you better go put on that powdered pimp glove...

Overuse of the Unforgivables- Fanfic authors use the unforgiveables so much, they lose their secrecy, myestriousness, and fearsomeness. People don't even react when they are used. If GoF, students were afraid to even say their names. I am guilty of this, however, especially in Chapter 4 of Temptations (I'm working on it! I swear!)

Not Enough Limitations of Magic - With the spells that authors use, entirely too much is possible without reprecussion. Glamours are used too half-hazardly. They should be incredibly draining, and shoudl use alot of concentration. Instead, random people put them on, looking liek different people and just walk around. Then what the hell are metamorphs?

Fanon Sources bleeding into Canon Research - I'm pretty sure "Magical Cores" are not canon. No where is it mentioned that wizards have an internal source of magic. It is entirely possible people draw it out from the surroundings. However, it has become such a good explanation, people take it for canon.

Hit-Wizards vs. Aurors - Hit-Wizards are for Criminals. Aurors are for DARK WIZARDS ONLY! In fanfiction, Aurors are called in for EVERYTHING. Hit-Wizards should be employed much more often. When Harry is "framed" for killing someone, hit-wizards should get him. He is a criminal. He is not a Dark-Wizard, (at the time of the "murder") so the Aurors should not be called in. Sirius, after supposedly killing 13 people, was arrested by Hit-Wizards.

Voldemort's and Death Eater incomptentness - Voldie is a genius. Thus, a 16 year wizard who has it all figured out shoudl not thwart them so easily. Death Eaters are portrayed waaaay to stupidly. They are unorganized, sloppy, and weak. They should have squadrons, teams, partners, plans of attack, etc.

Aurors are too weak - Auror training is ridiculously hard to get in and pass, with only one new Auror in three years. So why are the Aurors so disorganized, weak, and inneffective?

The Order of the Phoenix - The order is not comprised of just the Weasleys, Dumbles, Lupin, Emmeline Vance, Hestis Jones, Moody, Snape, Fletcher, and etc. Did you think Molly Weasley was gonna hold off Death Eaters? It should be a nationwide operation, with much more people.

Slash: What the hell is with the new indicator "Slashy"? They make it sound like some cute cuddly bear, or some delicous new flavor.

Ohh, there is so much more.

I'll stop for now.

 

Lol man thats a long one. I have agree with a lot of those points. Hit-wizards and Aurors... meh. I always thought of Hit-Wizs as being the lone assasin kindda thing. I mean come on Hit-man, Hit-wizard...

I agree most author (about 99.9%) can't do a proper fight scene, at least for magic. There are some cool fight scenes out there but all of the spells involve direct attack and damage, ie reducto, immobilus, stupify, etc. But I think that the ability to use the surroundings is the reason that Voldie and Dumbles are supreme dualers. I mean it's supposedly not easy to transfigure something on the fly unless you have a lot of practice. The same with charms. Most poeple in a battle are too busy trying to stay alive that they don't have the time to cast those spells that would animate a statue. My point is that unless you happen to be an advanced dualer then most of the stuff you would do in a battle is the simple easy to use stuff like Reductos.

Getting off topic there. A cliche I found is house-elves. Why is it every time Harry hires a house-elf he has to give them pay and holidays againt their will? Why can't he just accept the servitude and be a kind master? No he has to pay them, an act that all house-elves, except Dobby, find insulting.

WHY?

 

i also agree with amerison on almost everything he said
especially underpowered aurors. i read many fics, some of them really good, but aurors there are just gunfodder. i mean, ok, some would freeze up if they encountered voldemort and thus be killed but after 3 years of training and probably a decade of service you could expect them to be a lot better than the average death eater

to magical cores: i actually like the idea of them because they are a means to destinuish the magical strength of an individual; if everybody could draw upon magic (channel it like in wheel of time) all would be equally powerful and never be magically exhausted. what i dont like are descriptions like 'as harry's saw his magical core he was amazed. while dumbledores was the size of a tennis ball his' filled his whole body'. but i think that has more to do with staying realistic than anything else.

here's another one: grunt death eaters throwing the ak like it's nothing. i meant if it is one of the strongest spells (unblockable, instant death, bla bla bla) then it must be draining like hell and thus only be used if you don't have to worry about being drained afterwards or being very desperate or having a clear shot so that you can be sure your opponent is dead afterwards or if you are exceptionally powerful.

harry being 'slytherin' and i dont mean the house. many authors describe harry as suddenly being sly and cunning but then the first battle or verbal confrontation starts and harry rushes off into the action without a plan or rants (at mostly dumbledore) and thereby most of the time showing his hand. while i do enjoy the bashing and action sequences i hate it when someone is first described being one thing then his actions characterizing him the complete opposite.

while it was already mentioned i think i have to say some words about voldemort, too. in canon he is described as a brilliant student, as manipulative, sly and ambitious even though he lost some sanity in his quest for immortality and through the dark arts. in fanfics he is mostly described as a totally insane dumbass that all day sits on his makeshift throne in a cave and holds death eater meatings where he has nothing better to do than crucio the shit out of his followers at every other spoken word and at the end of the meeting dispatch one or 2 of his followers to kill potter. surely one can assume that a) the man has some sense of style left b) he would learn from his mistakes c) he would use the cruciatus moderately so that his followers don't become used to this and to not drive them away from him. further questions: c) why does he always want to raze hogwarts: i mean if voldemort wants to establish his pureblood utopia then he still needs it and besides slaughtering a school full of children isn't the way to go if you want to rule their parents - too many people with grudges. d) why does he alwas go on killing sprees in the muggle world. surely the man is intelligent and he realizes that there are too many of them, besides it doesn't further his goal. in canon he specifically targets those who oppose him (and perhaps muggleborns; i don't think it's really mentioned in any of the books), in fandom he does just one stupid thing after the other. i doubt exposing the magical world is a goal of voldemort so i guess mass killing sprees are out...

 

What story did vorlorn write? can u please post here (or pm me) a link?
Edit:
Reading ip82's rant i thought how cool it would be to have a fanfiction in which ron actually sucks in chess, only harry sucks more ^^

 

You know what irritates me?
When they make Luna's mother into weird-ass freaky seer or\and empath.
Sure Luna is weird, her father too but do they have to make her mother complete nuts who sees Harry beating Vodemort in the future?!

 

Cruciatius cliches: one, that it is somehow not the worst pain imaginable, that it can be fought, that you can somehow bite back your screams. And two, that you can get a crucio or two at every meeting, and you'll still come back.

 

Indy!Harry inherits his family estate, and has numerous properties, like WTF, his parents lived in a cottage or something, sure they had alot of gold which is all we are told, but no where does it mention they are a massive wixarding family that owns half of britian, they might have a mansion a few little houses that they holiday in or something, but not to the extent I see around in fanfics.

Another one, Gringotts dealing with wills. They are a bank, banks do not deal with wills full stop. Gringotts hate wizards, they are jsut using them to make money off them full stop, sure they'd be a bit more kind and coutious if a wizard used his manners but wouldn't go divulging their secrests and treating Harry like a god.

 

Snakes just following Harry's orders because he can speak parseltongue.....If some tiger came up to you and could speak english would you follow its instructions?

 

If a tiger came up to me speaking english, I would pinch myself and wake up. OEM: That second paragraph is a good point. If anyone should be doing the wills, its the Ministry at the very least, and not Gringotts.

 

The snake thing. I think it is believable that Parselmouths have some control over snakes. That the basilisk actually did as Riddle said (I doubt he was polite) is evidence of that. Also, if you saw a talking animal, and it ordered you to do something, I bet you'd do it.

 

True story that tiger analogy was brilliant i cracked up so hard lol.

I hate the underestimation of the cruciatus curse. Its unforgivable becuase the the most painful tprture spell known. Put the longbottomsin the loony hopsital in no time at all. Yet for some reason Harry seems to have super magical transformation at 16 whitch feel like a thousand cruciatus' for hours on end.
BULLSHIT THAT MOTHER WOULD CREAM HIS PANTS AND FALL OVER DEAD.

 

Exactly! Longbottoms: "one of the greatest witches and wizards of the time", Harry = barely average but somehow he survives but they don't.

 

Cliches, hmmm. I could probably rant off an essay here, but I'll try and keep it short instead.

My current peeve-of-the-moment:

Harry forgiving Draco as soon as he forgoes the Dark Mark. I've seen it plenty of times before, in fact in every fic where Draco doesn't become a DE that I've read. He decides he won't join Voldie, runs to Potter and tells him he doesn't want to spend his life kneeling and bobbing for old Toadywarts and all of a sudden him and Harry are best friends. I mean what gives? From the moment the two met Malfoy's been pissing Harry off (I'm not kidding here, remember waaaay back when Malfoy casually dismissed Harry's parents deaths in Madam Malkins). In first year, before anyone even had proof that Voldemort was still around, Malfoy was pissing Harry off, picking on the Gryffindors in general and Harry's friends in particular. Just because Malfoy's too cowardly to sign on with Voldie doesn't change that; I mean Harry knows Snape's a spy, but that doesn't change his attitude towards the man. Malfoy's been making his life hell for no reason from the word go, and doing the same for all of Harry's friends, and that's not gonna change overnight.

Other peeves:

MagicallyGifted!Luna

I know this has kinda been touched on before, but why do so many authors seem to feel the need to explain Luna's randomness away as the side effect of some sort of magical thing? I've seen her being a seer, and thus not focused entirely in the present, as a seer confused because she needs to take a potion to not go insane, as a child of Gaia, as an elf and everything else under the sun. The whole thing just strikes me as a cheap gimmick, whereas I've always liked Luna's weirdness for its being something normal; she saw her mother die, at a fairly young age. She presumably had few or no friends growing up, and definitely has virtually none in Hogwarts. Is it any surprise that she turned out very eccentric? To my mind the authors who write a good Luna are ones who come up with plausible excuses for her randomness, or just accept it's part of who she is; fics like Nonjon's Lovegood, Boobs Gooder, where for the most part she's weird because of repeated droppings on the head (Yeah she swallowed a time-turner as a baby, but it didn't give her the miraculous ability to be driven barmy by visions of the future), or Ruskbyte's Backwards Compatible, or even Jbern's Bungle in the Jungle in which Looney is something of a mask to hide the real Luna. These characters have depth, rather than a random plot device.

Sorry, I'm not done yet.

Gun-totin' Harry

I know this really falls under the category of Britpicking, but it's something that really pisses me off when I see it in a story. Harry Potter is set in England and Scotland. In these countries it is illegal to sell, buy or own firearms. I know there are some exceptions to this generalisation, but effectively for nearly every resident of the UK, guns are illegal. I don't mind the idea of Harry getting a gun either illegally in the UK or from somewhere else in the world (It's a damn good idea), but the fics where, for example, Harry grabs Vernon's pistol, or worse rifle, to fight off the Death Eaters invading, or some random muggle(s) are toting guns just reek of poor quality. I mean what does it say about your fic that you don't even do that little background research?

One more for the road:

Manipulative!Dumbledore is an idiot

This was actually best summed up by Jbern in a review reply; "Apparently in most stories Dumbledore enters senility just as Harry is entering his 6th year. All his clever machinations that no one else could discover collapse like a house of cards." Seriously, in most of these fics Dumbles has been pulling strings since Voldie was disincorporated, in many even longer than that. Why, then, do all his carefully laid plans get thrown off course by a form letter from Gringotts to Harry?

Well, I'll leave it here for now, though I imagine I'll probably dig up a couple more next time I go fic hunting. I expect most if not all of these have been covered before, but it's nice to get them off my chest so I don't much care.